27 weeks pregnant with our third child and husband still doest want it

[Summ3r]

So basically I fell unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3. We already have two kids 11 and 8 and were done having anymore. We were using condoms and were very careful but somehow I managed to fall pregnant again. My husband was horrified and demanded I have an abortion. I was shocked at the fact I was pregnant but it never would have entered my mind to do such a thing. Anyway we fought for weeks and I've never cried so much in my life. I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't live with the guilt of killing a wee innocent baby. He even threatened to leave me. I told him I wasn't getting an abortion and that was that so eventually he said, 'look one of us is not going to get what we want and it might as well be me' so fast forward to now. I'm 27 weeks pregnant. He's been to both scans (it took a lot of coaxing and tears from me for him to go), he was the one to tell the kids about this baby, he even participates in baby naming convos with the kids and I but other than that he completely ignores the fact I'm pregnant. He hasn't once asked me how I am or felt the baby move. He never speaks about this child and goes to all costs to avoid touching anywhere near my belly. I know he still doesn't want this baby and it's scaring me that he won't want it when he/she is here. I've enjoyed every wee milestone of this pregnancy silently on my own because he doesn't want to know. It's breaking my heart that he's like this. I feel guilty that I've 'forced' him to be a father again when clearly he doesn't want to be but I don't think I could have stayed with him if he made me get an abortion not to mention the impact it would have had on my mental health. So I guess I'm just looking support and advice for someone. Have any of you been in this situation and your husband has fallen in love with ur baby once it's born? Should I find out the sex next week at my last scan to help him bond or would it be better as a surprise in the delivery room ? Hubby won't even be at next scan (growth scan) as he wont take anymore time of work and clearly doesn't want to be there anyway. Any advice would be great thank u

[NickiFury]

He sounds like an absolute arsehole to be quite frank and I would be thinking practically about how to leave him.

[Summ3r]

The kids squeeled* not squeezed

[mrsjskelton]

I hate that many folk men seem to think that abortion is some quick fix and "hey presto" it's all taken care of. You both have a responsibility to this child and so far only you are holding up to this. You're so right that your mental health is paramount here. I worry that your constant seeking for his approval of this child isn't healthy for you or the baby. I can't offer advice but I offer you my sincerest hopes and prayers that he will come around when baby arrives

[HelsBels3000]

Summ3er I don't know why the face was necessary. I doubt that sterilisation has much to do with age and more to do with whether you feel your family is complete or not - I was sterilised after DC3, at age 30. But your reply suggests you have never asked for that option. Have you?

[3littlefrogs]

summ3r

I had been a SAHM when my first 2 DC were small. I was doing a variety of part time stuff once they were at school, but we were managing ok.

When DC3 was 1 year old I had to find a job that paid more. I retrained (literally walked into the local job centre and asked), went back to work 4 days a week and found a childminder. It was a very different experience and not easy in my 40s. I have never been so tired as in that first couple of years back at work. But it got easier and I am so glad I did it.

I have continued to work and have earned more in this job than in any previous one.

Take things a step at a time. I am sure you will find a way through.

[3littlefrogs]

The mirena coil is as effective as sterilization.

Most doctors are loathe to offer sterilization to anyone under 30.

Vasectomy is quicker and easier than tubal ligation - neither are without risk.

I am sure OP and her DH will explore all the options once this baby is born.

[Summ3r]

HelsBels3000 Ur commit was not helpful at all and I found it quite rude. Yes we did asked about sterilisation 3 yrs ago and I was told no as I was far too young and unless it benefited my health it would not be done as they cannot guarantee I would be with the same man in 10 yrs. in their eyes things and peoples opinions change. So where I am from a then 26 yr old with 2 kids was not a candidate for such an op.

[Summ3r]

Thank u 3littlefrogs I will be going to night classes in tech when this one is a yr old or so and I'm able to leave baby with his mum so I can go until he gets home from work (he works late) if that is we r still together and he accepts the baby I have thought about the coil and will look into that once this one is born. I cannot take the pill as I got a blood clot in my leg and I've tried the injection and mini pull but I bleed very heavily for 3 months and it triggered my migraines off bad so mabey the coil might work for me ?

[Summ3r]

Thank u for ur support and prayers mrsjskelton x

[LuckyChicken]

I could have written this post. In fact I did (name changed since)
Our 3rd DC was unplanned, husband was awful, we went to abortion clinic three times but I couldn't go through with it.
He shouted, threatened to leave, then ignored me. He came to first two scans but I went to the rest on my own. Wouldn't touch my belly or acknowledge the baby in anyway.
Fast forward to now, baby is almost 2. Husband is the most adoring doting dad you could imagine, did a complete u turn after the birth.

Our relationship is kind of ok. I find it hard to forget all the horrible things he said back then and in a way wish he'd just gone through with his threats and left. I think we'd all be happier.
So although it's all come good with the baby, I'm not sure our relationship will ever recover.
Good luck, I hope it all works out better for you xxx

[3littlefrogs]

Are you being monitored carefully and given injections to prevent blood clots?

If you had a clot when on oral contraception you are at high risk while pregnant.

Mirena coil is safe for people who cannot take hormonal contraception.

You poor thing - I am sorry you are having such a hard time.

[Summ3r]

Lucky chicken thank u for sharing. It's made me hopeful that he will love this baby as him rejecting him/her is my worst fear. I'm so happy for u and that ur husband. accepted ur baby but my heart breaks that ur relationship is ruined because of it. Even tho it was very hurtful that my husband was pushing me for an abortion and threatened to leave me at the start I still think we would be OK if he accepted this baby as I would just be thankful for that. I understand y he got on like that and totally respect his feelings in all of this. I just wish I knew what he was thinking now. Was ur husband at the birth?

[Summ3r]

3littlefrogs yes I'm being very well monitored and feel like a pin cushion between that and my rhesus negative blood. They are also watching my blood pressure as its too low and a few weeks back my sight went all blurry and I collapsed because of it. So I'm definitely well looked after

[ToastedOrFresh]

But you have foisted this baby on him whether he likes it or not. Now he's every bastard in the world for daring to have an opinion.

You have strong armed into fatherhood again and he's got no right to be angry ? How is that fair ?

As a PP pointed out. What if you didn't want this baby and he was preventing you from having an abortion ? How would that sit with you ?

[Summ3r]

Hold I a wee min toastedorfresh when did I ever say he's got no right to be angry ? He is not a bastard and not once have I dissed him in anyway. This is my first post on this and I only joined today coz I thought mums net would be somewhere I could vent and get some support as I have no one else to talk to. Not once did I think I would have to deal with ignorant people like u. Is it any wonder people bottle things up and don't seek help

[BathtimeFunkster]

you have foisted this baby on him whether he likes it or not. Now he's every bastard in the world for daring to have an opinion.

WTAF?!

The baby was "foisted" on both of them. By an accidental contraceptive failure.

It was "foisted" far more on the person whose body is taken over gestating than it was on him, who was able to make threats about leaving.

What if you didn't want this baby and he was preventing you from having an abortion ? How would that sit with you ?

If you think think a woman choosing not to have an abortion is equivalent to a forced pregnancy, then there is something deeply wrong with you.

The OP didn't choose this.

You have to really hate women to see pregnancy as something they do to men.

FFS

[Chocolatteaddict1]

ODFOD Toasted what a wanky misoginistic comment.

Ultimately it's the woman that gets the last day as its her body - either way.

[mathanxiety]

She is not forcing him to do anything with his body. His body contributed in the most significant way possible to her pregnancy.

She is not foisting a baby on him. He got her pregnant. If he was so completely adamant he didn't want a baby after they had two then he should have had the snip. He is well off -- well off enough to just pay some doctor to do it.

Toasted: If she didn't want the baby/if she wanted this baby, and he had a different opinion -- either way, it would be bullying to threaten to leave if she didn't do as he told her, which is what he did.

And he is sulking now, making himself emotionally unavailable to her when she needs him, presumably to teach her her place, which is both spiteful and immature.

[ToastedOrFresh]

And he is sulking now, making himself emotionally unavailable to her when she needs him, presumably to teach her her place, which is both spiteful and immature.

He's denied any sort of response or right to reply isn't he ? Women really need to look in the mirror sometimes.

Oh, and when it comes to misogyny, MN has it in spades.

[expatinscotland]

'Oh, and when it comes to misogyny, MN has it in spades.'

Starting with you . . .

[LuckyChicken]

Yes my husband did come to the birth, most likely because he thought that was expected, he wasn't a great deal of use. He's not great with that type of thing anyway.
When 3rd dc was born he wasn't breathing and had to be resuscitated. Whether that shocked him into realising he did actually love him I don't know.
Think it's more likely that it's harder for dads to bond until baby actually arrives. Honestly, this time dc3 has him wrapped around his little finger and he is far more hands on than he was with the older two.

[mathanxiety]

He is denied the right to a prolonged sulk. Or even a short one. This is emotional and psychological abuse of his wife.

Clearly he is a functioning adult. He doesn't have the right to behave like a spoiled teenager.