27 weeks pregnant with our third child and husband still doest want it

[Summ3r]

So basically I fell unexpectedly pregnant with baby #3. We already have two kids 11 and 8 and were done having anymore. We were using condoms and were very careful but somehow I managed to fall pregnant again. My husband was horrified and demanded I have an abortion. I was shocked at the fact I was pregnant but it never would have entered my mind to do such a thing. Anyway we fought for weeks and I've never cried so much in my life. I couldn't go through with it. I couldn't live with the guilt of killing a wee innocent baby. He even threatened to leave me. I told him I wasn't getting an abortion and that was that so eventually he said, 'look one of us is not going to get what we want and it might as well be me' so fast forward to now. I'm 27 weeks pregnant. He's been to both scans (it took a lot of coaxing and tears from me for him to go), he was the one to tell the kids about this baby, he even participates in baby naming convos with the kids and I but other than that he completely ignores the fact I'm pregnant. He hasn't once asked me how I am or felt the baby move. He never speaks about this child and goes to all costs to avoid touching anywhere near my belly. I know he still doesn't want this baby and it's scaring me that he won't want it when he/she is here. I've enjoyed every wee milestone of this pregnancy silently on my own because he doesn't want to know. It's breaking my heart that he's like this. I feel guilty that I've 'forced' him to be a father again when clearly he doesn't want to be but I don't think I could have stayed with him if he made me get an abortion not to mention the impact it would have had on my mental health. So I guess I'm just looking support and advice for someone. Have any of you been in this situation and your husband has fallen in love with ur baby once it's born? Should I find out the sex next week at my last scan to help him bond or would it be better as a surprise in the delivery room ? Hubby won't even be at next scan (growth scan) as he wont take anymore time of work and clearly doesn't want to be there anyway. Any advice would be great thank u

[Summ3r]

Thank u Strokethefurrywall I hope he does come to accept our baby once he/she is born and our family will be fine. It's all I want

[Summ3r]

Uve hit the nail on the head CityMole we r from Northern Ireland and if it's one think he or our 11 year old son can't do is talk about their feelings. Everything just gets bottled up usually and it's very frustrating as a wife and mother. Sometimes I just don't know what is going on inside his head and that at the minute scares the hell out of me. I will not resent him for wanting me to have an abortion as I understand his reasons behind it but I'm scared he's going to resent me for keepin the baby.

[BathtimeFunkster]

The fact that abortion is illegal in some countries is an abomination- not something to be used as a stick to beat the OP's husband with.

It is an abomination. I'm from one of those countries. I've had an abortion.

It is worse to bully a woman into an abortion in a place where she is likely to feel massive shame for doing it and have to do it overseas.

It is not OK for him to be angry with his pregnant wife for being pregnant.

That is not her fault. She doesn't owe him an abortion.

Fine to be shocked and upset about a baby he didn't want, but there is no excuse for bullying a woman into an abortion.

Which he did - he threatened to leave her and their other children if she didn't do as he wanted.

That is totally unacceptable.

As is continuing to punish her for not doing what he wanted.

[Hannahs83]

What a difficult situation, you have my sympathy.

Just to add my 2 cents' worth, I accidentally fell pregnant a couple of years ago. I was on the pill but, you know, these things just happen.

My BF was set against going through with it...he told me he'd support me whatever I chose but that, being honest, he wasn't ready to be a father, he didn't want a baby and he thought having a child would destroy our relationship. It wasn't a threat, it was a fact.

I hated the thought of having an abortion but hated even more the thought that I would bring a child into a world in which it wasn't wanted by both of its parents and would more than likely end up in a broken home. I also couldn't bear the thought of losing my bf and being a single mum. So I had the abortion.

In the end, though, I was so devastated by what I'd done that I got very depressed, gained weight, stopped taking care of myself and basically just checked out of our relationship, although I didn't realise it, and still loved him. BF couldn't understand why I was so low - after a couple of months he'd just forgotten all about it, and 18 months later it came as a huge surprise when I told him how much i'd been struggling - he was just oblivious, and I think that's a big problem for us women... men don't have that immediate bond so they don't understand.

In the end we broke up anyway. He resented me for 'letting myself go' and I resented him for not supporting me and recognising that I was struggling. As it happened I found out two weeks after we eventually called it a day (after months of torturing ourselves and each other) that I am pregnant again. This time, he's fully on board, and hasn't even mentioned the A word.

My point is, if abortion isn't right for you, you have done absolutely the right thing - it would probably have caused irrevocable damage to your relationship - and I'm sure your husband will come around and see that in the end, at least when the baby is born. Some people take longer than others to process and come to rational conclusions.

Good luck

[3littlefrogs]

OP - you have the same age gap that I have between my DC.
DC3 was a complete shock and the result of a contraception failure.

The difference is that I was 42 when DC3 was born.
To say that DH and I were shell shocked would be a massive understatement. However, abortion was absolutely not an option for me either.
DH was supportive, but the whole situation was very stressful.

In the end, it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to our family and we have no regrets. Yes it was hard work and extra expense, but none of that matters in the long run.

You are both young enough to take this in your stride.

I do think that once the baby is here, your DH will love him/her.

You didn't get pregnant all by yourself. Contraception isn't 100% effective. these things happen.

Try to hang in there. Your existing DC will adore the baby and hopefully DH will come round.

[Canyouforgiveher]

Fine to be shocked and upset about a baby he didn't want, but there is no excuse for bullying a woman into an abortion.

He DIDN'T bully her into an abortion - she is 27 weeks pregnant. He said "we both can't get what we want so you get what you want". He accepted the pregnancy after advocating for an abortion.

OP, I think you should let things lie until the baby is born. I suspect things will be easier to talk about then.

[DangerMouth]

bathtime you have a way of twisting OP and getting so angry/defensive. It is Ok for her dh to be angry that she's pregnant. He asked for her to abort, she said no and now he's dealing with it. Maybe not the happy happy joy joy the OP would like. But he's hardly bullying her.

[HelsBels3000]

You could also have been sterilised after DC2 - you could now be sterilised after DC3. Just saying - there wouldn't be any more accidents then.

[whatevva]

He said "we both can't get what we want so you get what you want". He accepted the pregnancy after advocating for an abortion.

No he's not accepting it. He is sulking and milking it for all its worth whilst playing happy dad in front of the other children.

If he had accepted it, he would realise that you can't undo what has been done and would be looking for the best way forward.

[BathtimeFunkster]

He asked for her to abort, she said no and now he's dealing with it. Maybe not the happy happy joy joy the OP would like. But he's hardly bullying her.



He threatened to leave her if she didn't have an abortion.

On what planet is giving that kind of ultimatum to a pregnant woman not bullying?

Seriously.

I'm amazed I'm the only one who thinks that. It's not a very controversial view on MN.

[Alb1]

Oh OP I feel so sad for you that after 12 years and 2 children he's struggling so much with this. It's aweful that he's letting you go through so much alone right now but hopefully he's just playing along with the kids and keeping his head down cos he knows deep down that once the baby is here hel love it just as much as the other two, and so he doesn't want to argue about it anymore or make it any worse when he can't change his feelings right now. Maybe he's focussing on trying not to think about it until the baby's here to try and put those thoughts out of his head. Don't get me wrong, whatever's happening he's being horribly selfish, but I'm sure there's still a good chance hel love this baby once it's born. Don't feel bad for not having an abortion, you and your children clearly already love this baby so you've clearly made the right choice

[DangerMouth]

Only on planet NN would it be considered bullying.

[DangerMouth]

*MN

[BathtimeFunkster]

Hmm, I think I'd rather live on a planet where threatening to walk out on your family if your wife doesn't have an abortion she doesn't want is considered bad behaviour.

Weird to find out both my grandfathers would have lived on Planet MN.

[Postchildrenpregranny]

I don't know your reasons for stopping at two DCs OP? If they were financial and your DH is the sole breadwinner perhaps he is a bit scared at the idea of another month to feed?
Did you perhaps have some difficult early years with your children?
Our first child was wanted and planned but DH admitted later he had had reservations...He says he drove home from hospital after she was born thinking (happily ) 'it's going to be fine' That instinctive love had rushed in.
As you say your DH is a good and loving dad I think you should try and 'park'everything until baby no 3 arrives But I'd also start investigating sterilisation for either you or him .I was done 6 weeks after DD2 (two miscarriages in between,I get pregnant very easily) and it was no big deal You could both be done-even Stevens
I'm not excusing his behaviour . I would want to explore why he is so anti the idea of a third child

[sepa]

OP, just wanted to say that my mum was in this situation with my little sister. She was on antibiotics and contraception failed (25 yrs ago so I'm not sure if the were as clued up as the pill failing on some antibiotics)

Anyway, my dad was dead against having my sister but apparently as soon as she was born he was over the moon that my mum didn't get an abortion. My dad is a tosser so I can see that he probably spent the whole of the pregnancy being an absolute a-hole to my mum.

I feel saddened that you and your OH are in this situation but I think it is a good sign that he is engaging with your other children so not to rub any of his feelings off.

My baby is a planned baby and my OH has only just within the last 6ish weeks started to rub my belly (I'm 38 weeks) and I think has only felt the baby move a handful of times. I bonded instantly with this baby because I can feel it all the time. It took my Oh a lot longer (and he still isn't fully bonded I don't think) I think he has found it hard and this is for one we planned. I can't imagine what he would be like if we had an oopsy baby

I'm sorry your OH has been subject to some nasty comments on here it appears that some people on here like to judge guys they have never met I think he sounds like a guy who is struggling and has been honest. It's much better than he is honest with you so you can talk through any potential issues after baby is here rather than him holding it in and leaving you without notice with 3 kiddies (I'm not saying he will leave but if he built up resentment and didn't feel like he could talk then I think it more likely to happen)

[Chocolatteaddict1]

Yep he is an arse.

It's not ok what he is doing.

[Tiggeryoubastard]

I know a couple that went through this, but it's not what you are going to want to hear, I hope it is different for you.
She had the baby, but their marriage ended with him resenting her. He still does, but tries his best. He's great with the child concerned, loves them to bits, but still resents his ex wife although they are civil.

[temporaryusername]

I think your DH did have some choice here. Anyone (within limits but obviously including your DH) who has sex knows that pregnancy can result, even with contraception. So deciding to have sex is deciding to risk a pregnancy. If you had previously discussed the situation and agreed that you would not go through with an accidental pregnancy that would be a little different, but not much since obviously you cannot predict how you will respond when the situation arises. It sounds like that is the opposite of the case anyway, ie. would have been clear to him that you would not want to terminate.

I think he needs to decide whether he overcome his resentment and bitterness about the circumstances he is in. If he can't, it could be a difficult road ahead.

[Xmasbaby11]

I do think he'll come round when the baby's born, but he needs to accept the reality before them. I wouldn't push the emotional side but focus on the practicalities.

It would be worth finding out what his reasons are for not wanting a third child to alleviate his worries. Financial? Change in lifestyle going back to the baby years again? I do feel for him because you didn't even consider abortion - not thst you should be bullied at all - but did he know the strength of your feelings? If so between you you might have chosen more reliable contraception.

You are both young enough to adapt to another child and you sound like you will be a wonderful mother. I wish you all the best.

[BathtimeFunkster]

I do feel for him because you didn't even consider abortion

Abortion is illegal where they live.

It's not something you get to presume is an option.

I mean, no man ever should.

But in a context of illegality, the idea that there is any expectation that it will be considered is bizarre.

It's not really an option unless you go to extraordinary lengths.

You don't get to just pop to a clinic and take some pills.

[Summ3r]

HelsBels3000 I was 20 yrs old when I had my 2nd child. Do u think the hospital would have sterilised me or gave my hubby the snip at 21 ???? I don't think so. But thank u for ur replay

[BennyTheBall]

All you can do is hope he comes round once your baby is born. I hope he does.

It's a horrible situation for you both for different reasons.

[Summ3r]

We decided on 2 children because of financial reasons, not because we couldn't afford another one but because we see it more like having to spread out money out between more people and these two wouldn't be as spoilt basically... but mostly because my husband only wanted 2 kids and I was happy at that and thankful for what we have. He works full time and I work part time although I'm off at the min with very low blood pressure and blurry vision and will not be returning once I leave before the baby is born as we couldn't afford childcare for 3 kids until this one is in school. I do not make much money waitressing anyway. my husband is in a very good job and we definitely won't struggle. He also knew my views about abortion as I've always been so set against it. Where as he sees just cells at the start of a pregnancy I see an already growing developing baby. (I get too attached too easily) as I said in my earlier post yes I did consider having an abortion for my husband and phoned the clinic to talk about the 'procedure' and had to come if the phone for throwing up rings round me as it made me physically sick to even think about it. I even priced flights to England. I tried to change my thoughts and think like my husband that it was only a bunch of cells. After all if I could have thought like him life would have been 'fixed' and back to normal in no time but 2 weeks later and I still felt the same. When he told our kids they were getting a baby brother or sister they where soo happy they squeezed and were jumping up and down so excited. They could the sleeps down and cannot wait for this baby so that brings me joy and I know my husband loves to see that too even tho he wouldn't say...

[Scarydinosaurs]

When I fell pregnant months earlier than I intended with my second child, my husband's reaction was not what I expected. He was similar to your husband in that, he just didn't mention my pregnancy. He never did the pressure for an abortion thing, but he was irritable and just didn't want to discuss it.

I was very upset and told him so- it is a very different situation to yours in that we knew we did want another, it was just much earlier than planned. However, by my scan he was very much on board and supportive.

I hope your husband comes round soon, and I would 100% investigate the options of sterilisation, it would be worth it for the peace of mind of knowing this cannot happen again.