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Pregnancy

URM -- why do people impose extra stress on pregnant women?

48 replies

clemsterdarcy · 26/09/2006 23:06

So

Apparently I have grossly offended my MIL by requesting radio silence for a few days before labour and a few days after adapting to being a family before visits. Message of 'I'm scared now and anxious being centre of attention with such an important task and tales of labour freaking me out' has been met by claims that I have snubbed her and inconsolable tears.

You try to be honest and tell people what you need ..

Makes me think ... why do people go around stating that pregnant women ARE more emotional and vulnerable ... and yet never actually make allowances for that nor adapt/soften their behaviours/increase their understanding?

Infact, it seems to me that pregancy is an open invitation for everyone to treat you like an icubator, dump their emotional woes and impose their opinions on you ...

Urm -- who is the prgnant one?

Anyone had similar experiences?

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SherlockLGJ · 26/09/2006 23:13

Well yes and no.................I was adamant I wanted reduced contact from most people before DS was born, and stuck to a few people, Mum, brother, sister, best friend. That was fine...

But when he was born, I wanted the whole world to see my gorgeous boy,however I did not want them to stay long and I made this very clear all were welcome but in 10 minute slots.

It worked well for us.

edam · 26/09/2006 23:18

Oh yes, following my ante-natal teacher's advice and asking various family members for specific help/visits at particular times really backfired on me. Grim.

Skribble · 26/09/2006 23:22

Found it all a bit much, wished I could have had reduced contact too. MIL and DH ok (very close to MIL) but DH's aunts and uncles were overwhelming and felt to uncomfortable to feed in front of them (OK when established but not at first).

Felt bad asking them to leave room when they had only just arrived from other side of the country, but screaming baby and me leaking not good.

accessorizequeen · 27/09/2006 12:57

Absolutely, my dp's aunt is still funny with me nearly 3 years later. I had an emergency section & was extremely emotional & in pain as I hadn't got proper meds sorted, she arrived at hospital with dp's mum & demanded to be let in to see me & ds. I said absolutely not, could barely deal with dp's mum much less anyone else seeing me in that state. She didn't get to meet ds until he was 4 or 5 months and has made comments every time I see her which is thank god not v.often.
Then dp invited his mum & her partner to be there when I finally got out of hospital - they were waiting outside the house when we got home with new baby so never had the opportunity to show ds round etc. This time round (due in december) I shall be quite clear about what I want & don't want, I'm the one having the baby after all! If they get offended, that's their problem. Better than missing out on bonding with my baby, and rest when I need it most.

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 27/09/2006 13:03

I have a photo of me sat on the sofa in tears when I got home with Ds2. Sat all around me is mil, fil, my neices ages 4 and 2, ds1 and H

They played pass the parcel with the baby and I was so tired and hormonal that I burst into tears and ran off upstairs.

They stayed all day.

beckybrastraps · 27/09/2006 13:07

I can totally understand about radio silence before hand. I just didn't answer the phone the first time. But afterwards, my parents and ILs naturally wanted to meet their new grandchild. And they were welcome(ish). They are part of the family too. My only worry was MIL's ominous promise to stay "as long as she was needed". So obviously, I had to show that that wasn't for very long!

KTeepee · 27/09/2006 13:08

I think it took my MIL quite some time to forgive me when she wanted to jump on a plane and come to stay as soon as dd was born and I said no. We stuck to our guns and she got the hump and went away on holidays instead. My mum came after a couple of weeks but MIL didn't see dd until we took her to visit when she was 7 weeks old.

Having said that, with each baby I've been in hospital afterwards longer than planned and always wished I had more visitors (no family in this country and dh crap at phoning friends to say bay has arrived)

KTeepee · 27/09/2006 13:09

I think it took my MIL quite some time to forgive me when she wanted to jump on a plane and come to stay as soon as dd was born and I said no. We stuck to our guns and she got the hump and went away on holidays instead. My mum came after a couple of weeks but MIL didn't see dd until we took her to visit when she was 7 weeks old.

Having said that, with each baby I've been in hospital afterwards longer than planned and always wished I had more visitors (no family in this country and dh crap at phoning friends to say baby has arrived)

anniediv · 27/09/2006 13:11

Can I be totally dense here and ask what is 'URM'? Am I missing something?

Skribble · 27/09/2006 13:58

Ther is a picture of me in hospital surrounded by visitors, I am turned towards MIL trying to hold myself together with tears in my eyes. I was exausted and tramatised. Last thing I needed was to have to entertain visitors I hardly knew myself. DS was born 2 weeks before CHristmas, so just when I should have been settleing in they all had the excuse to come over again.

I stayed at MIL's afterwards and as she is such a gem I didn't want to home, it was such a scary thought.

julezboo · 27/09/2006 14:12

Yes Yes!!! I often ask this myself!! And it was my MIL that imposed al of the stress, i was 8 weeks pregnant, already had been bleeding for 2 weeks and it conituned till weeks 14, due to cirumstances we moved into her home (which is now ours) because she was leaving the country, she turned into a cow from hell, i still catn get over some of the things she said to me, she had me in tears most nights!!!

you have my sympathy, now i just need to get dp to agree to her not flying back over for at least 3 weeks after the birth!!

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 27/09/2006 14:13

Annie, i took it too mean 'umm' or 'erm' type thing

divastrop · 27/09/2006 14:49

i'm lucky as my family all live many miles away,so i just get left to my own devices afterwards.
i remember when i had just had ds2,the woman in the bed opposit me who'd had her baby the night before had about 11 people round her bed,and one of them started talking to me.he asked how old my baby was so i said'2 hours.go away!' and shut the curtain.the poor woman was in floods of tears when they left,i cant blame her.

Frederique · 27/09/2006 14:59

It took me until baby number 3 to have the guts to impose a ban on family until a few days after the birth. What did it was when Number 2 was a day old, all my in laws were there and my MIL pulled her off my breast mid-suction because they hadn't come all this way to watch me breast feeding...Be strong, it is your baby and your emotions that matter.

twocatsonthebed · 27/09/2006 15:03

Frederique, that is absolutely eye-poppingly mad. What on earth did you say or do?!?

thelittlestboho · 27/09/2006 15:03

OMG! That's absolutely shocking!! Who do these people think they are?? Shakes head in disbelief Most of our family fear my wrath, I have made it so. She who must be obeyed, lol.

Daisymoo · 27/09/2006 15:05

I remember my (now) in-laws (2 bils, 1 sil, mil and fil) all turning up when ds1 was a week old. These people have virtually no social skills at all. Small talk is an alien concept to them. We literally sat in one room for 8 f*ing hours looking at each other until I grabbed dh and told him to make them leave NOW. I actually feel ill just thinking about it, I'm sure it contributed to my PND.

Skribble · 27/09/2006 15:06

My advise is to make arrangements and rules beforehand, you can be much more tactful about it. Most relatives are desperate to see the baby, but most considerate ones should understand you don't want to be swamped. Discuss visiting times with them and what you would like to do. Explain how you might feel, and that you might need a little time to get sorted out.

Skribble · 27/09/2006 15:08

Perhaps also arrange a signal with DH, so he knows when you have had enough and can make the excuses for you and usher them out. Particulalry in hospital when you might want rid of them so you can go to the loo or feed with out bareing all. I had a private room off the ward so visitors were free to ignore the proper visiting times .

Frederique · 27/09/2006 15:29

Well, littlestboho, I am ashamed to say I did nothing at all. I am fairly outspoken and strongwilled, and people don't usually mess with me :0 LOL and yet I was so emotional that I couldn't react in any other way than desperately trying not to cry. And that is why it is indeed so crucial to give your conditions before the baby is born or you'll get swamped and feel helpless, or else react in a very emotional way which might get ignored and dismissed by family as "hormones".

oranges · 27/09/2006 15:48

After a third degree tear, my in laws turned up eight hours late - at 9pm!! And then made baby cry by taking lots of phots. When dh took him into the other room to calm him down, they followed, then FIL came back to tell me my job was done and they could take over from here! I promptly burst into tears, and have still not forgiven him really.

clemsterdarcy · 27/09/2006 15:51

And other stresses that are unacceptable ...

An aunt of DH on hearing the name we have chosen for our daughter (am currently 6 days overdue BTW!) ...

"Oh that has to be a joke. They're just saying that and will tell you the proper name when the baby is actually born."

Nice. Very sensitive.

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clemsterdarcy · 27/09/2006 15:53

Middle aged guy in the carpark of the local supermarket when I politely asked him if he could just move his car over a little as at 9 months pregnant I needed a couple of extra inches to get back into mine ...

"You can just get in the passenger seat and climb over..."

And his wife actually stood there and didn't correct him ...

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clemsterdarcy · 27/09/2006 15:55

Oranges ... that is diabolical.

I am aghast.

Give me his address and I'll persinally wallop him for you right now!

Sorry if he is dear to you ... but what a wanker of a thing to say.

Much love to you x

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clemsterdarcy · 27/09/2006 15:59

And so it continues ...

Stranger in shopping centre who asked me when due ... when told September ... shook and shook her head and told me how horrible it was having a baby in the Summer.

Helpful thanks ... whaddya want me to do -- press a gestation pause button ...

After I smiled sweetly and said, 'yes it is hot and tiring, still at least I can waddle around in flipflops and eat ice cream...' she actually followed me around a store insisting I acknowledge how dreadful it was likely to be ...

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