Pregnant but partner wants to terminate

[emilyhelp]

Hoping to get some advice if possible, a little bit frightened to learn that I'm pregnant accidently despite wanting a family. Ironically, my partner of 4 years and I almost broke up two months ago over differences on having a family. He doesn't want a baby for at least two more years until we're more settled. Im 37 this year and so this was a big ask to wait but I decided this is what I'd do as our lives together so far has been brilliant and I can honestly say Id like to spend the rest of my life with him. Im only a week pregnant and given the situation the timing is awful. He's basically saying that the best thing to do is terminate and we'll try again in a couple of years. He's a full time student right now so not earning and I wouldn't want to disrespect his feelings either and push him in to something that he's not ready for financially or emotionally. The alternative is that I keep the baby and go it alone. Living in very expensive city I have no idea how I would even begin to afford this and as im prone to depression my worse case scenario terrifies me. If i move somewhere cheaper i wouldnt have the support network id need. All this said, I can't imagine terminating. I cant imagine losing my partner either. Any advice most welcome. Im so anxious I cant sleep and feel terrified :(

[22honey]

'In fact, my point is that fertility issues aren't an age-related thing, but society seems to act like it is and they are leaving younger women who cannot have the family size they desire without support at times. Which is a problem for them. How is this ageist? Saying all women should get support regardless of age?'

My saying you were being ageist had nothing to do with you stating this obvious fact, which I was already well aware of (yet the 'tone' of your post suggests you believe I don't know anything about fertility), it was to do with your obvious presumption I am clueless and naive purely because of my age. You know nothing about me or what life experiences I may have had. I have said this before, many children in this world have had more relevant life experiences and struggles to climb through than plenty of middle class 30 odd year old's who have lived ivory tower, cosseted and privileged existences.

[itsbetterthanabox]

I think if you want to have the baby you should. It is your body so 100% your choice. You are it pushing your partner into anything, he got you pregnant. He sounds very unsupportive and I think it is wrong for him to tell you to terminate.
If you want to have the baby then have it. He will have to pay and hopefully he will want to act like father.

[squizita]

22Honey and you don't know me outside of mumsnet, so debating who has had the most life experience is a bit pointless.

Your name rings a bell though and I have got to wondering why you're reacting like this, getting so distressed, accusing ageism, acting like I'm trying to trip you up or something, coming back again and again.
Were you on a thread about when to plan kids where you gave your opinion, same as here, and some people disagreed (similar points as on here) but- not like here- they did get rude with you at times and used words like 'shit'? You had a really hard time from them - though you did retaliate with similar things to here.

At no point have I stooped to the rudeness of that thread. I read that thread and did not join in. But your reactions are in the same tone. Do you think I was carrying that on? I wasn't: I have simply tried to explain why many women find the view that having kids mid-20s is 'the key' (which the media often suggests it is) isn't that simple.
I am hiding this thread now.

[TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals]

In your shoes I could only terminate if my inability to conceive in 2 years time wasn't going to be an issue. Otherwise I'd rather carry on regardless.

[MadameLeBean]

Your partner sounds like an arse. There is no way he cannot know that it will be much harder to conceive at 39. If you are in a stable relationship, he is being v unreasonable to ask you to wait 2 years because of circumstances. And I would say that even if you were not currently pregnant. But you are, and he is even asking you to terminate?!!
I would keep the baby and leave HIM

[Casmama]

Perhaps, squizita and 22honey, you could consider whether your discussion is likely to be beneficial in any way to the OP.

[alita7]

squiz and honey,

I don't want to intrude but it sounds like there has been a misunderstanding yet you both seem to agree - that fertility declines with age, that being young doesn't guarantee fertility will easy but that you do have a better chance of discovering any problems if you start trying earlier rather than later, and therefore a better chance of being able to have more children if that's what you want.
anyway I think the point is clear for the op, you never know what will happen, right now you have a chance of mother hood and you have no idea if or when you will get this chance again, fertility is certainly never a given!

[Sharaluck]

Hi op

To be honest I think if your dp wants to end the relationship because you don't want to terminate and then try again in 2 years, I would very much doubt that he would want to ttc in 2 years anyway.

He is either being ignorant or just ignoring the fact that women's fertility declines (and miscarriage rates increase) in your age group. And I don't think that is fair to you at all.

Good luck

[ohthegoats]

I'm 40, my partner is 37. I wanted to be with him, but I knew he wanted children. He had no plans to have children soon when I met him 2 years ago, and liked being with me partly because I didn't really want them soon either. Fast forward 18 months, we realise we want to be together and have decided to give the baby thing a go because otherwise he won't get the chance with me. In all honesty I'm still a bit on the fence about them, but being a couple is about compromise, and sometimes that has to involve taking external factors into consideration. In yours and our cases, age.

If I were you I'd keep it. If he comes round, great. If not, then you'll be fine.

oh, and we're choosing one child. A family of 3 in plenty - and environmentally friendly

[differentnameforthis]

squizita and 22honey, the op posted for support, not to watch you two fight, Either quit it & return to helping the op or take it off thread.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I agree.

OP please come back.

[RalphRecklessCardew]

Sorry 22Honey, was being prickly.

[bakingtins]

Hi emily adding another voice to say if children are in your life plan this may be your only chance. You say you are only 1 week pregnant (assume you mean 5 weeks from your last period) so there is no need to rush a decision. Your partner hasn't had much time to come to terms with it and work through the practicalities, he may come round, but even if it means going it alone I think you should at least seriously consider that option.
39 is leaving it very very late to start TTC, you would really be risking not being able to have a baby at all. I've been TTC my third child (had 2 without problems in my early 30s) since I was 37, it took me a year to get pregnant at first then I had 3 miscarriages, I am now due to have a baby in June when I'll be nearly 40. It's harder to get pregnant, risks of chromosome abnormalities gets higher and miscarriage rates rise as you get towards 40. Your partner must be made aware of this, if he isn't already I would make sure he understands there is a real risk that waiting until then means you won't be able to have children.
Babies are born into less than ideal circumstances all the time and people manage. I agree with the others that if on reflection (rather than an initial panic response) he is still saying he doesn't want to keep this baby, he is effectively saying he doesn't want kids with you at all and you need to think about whether a childless future with him is what you want. I'd also worry how the relationship could continue if he bullies you into terminating a pregnancy when you want a child - would you still love him despite that?

[itsbetterthanabox]

I don't think this should be about if/when you have kids in the future. It's about this pregnancy, now. If you want to continue THIS pregnancy then do.

[meditrina]

You say in OP that you cannot imagine terminating.

Then don't. It is not necessarily right for every woman all the time. And if you are in E/W, the law is framed around your well-being, not your partner's ideas of convenience (and definitely not those when you do not share them).

You can't imagine life without him? No partner is ever 'yours', as death can intervene and break ups happen. This phrasing sounds more like shock and panic (which you and he are both going through). Yes, you may well need to go this alone - but if you want children, your partner is a not a good prospect, and the promise of 'jam tomorrow' is not one on which to make the decision about your current pg.

[SolomanDaisy]

A man who wants to put off trying until you're 39 doesn't want a child. He is stringing you along, wasting your last years of fertility. Are you ok with that? Is he worth losing the chance to have a child? If not, you need to go ahead with this pregnancy.

[nkf]

I would say he doesn't really want children. Or at least not very much. I would also say you are taking a bit of a risk to terminate at the age of 37 if you want a baby. So, it was an accident but it could turn out very well for you. How about thinking through what it would be like to be a single mother? How would you support yourself? Work? Live?

[Wuxiapian]

I would keep the baby and lose him!

You'll never regret having the baby, but will regret terminating for a relationship that's already problematic.

[Southsearocks]

Keep the baby OP! You won't regret it. I had mine at 40 and can't have any more now despite desperately wanting another. I am so happy to have had the opportunity to have a beautiful child. If I was in your shoes and terminated I think I would regret it for the rest of my life.

If you do decide to keep this baby it will all work out, don't worry

[alizeeod]

Keep the baby, don't pass the chance to be a mom for a man. He'll probably be smitten once the baby is there, if he isn't then that says a lot about him. I think it's not cool when a man gets a woman pregnant and then asks her to terminate! You should keep your baby.

[mathanxiety]

Have you booked in for an official pregnancy test and signed up for prenatal care? If you do, you may be able to get a referral to counselling to help with your anxiety.

[Viviennemary]

There is absolutely no guarantee you will conceive again in two years time. Fertility for a lot of women does decline steeply as they approach 40. Don't be pushed into a termination by your partner. Hope things are sorted out soon.