Pregnant but partner wants to terminate

[emilyhelp]

Hoping to get some advice if possible, a little bit frightened to learn that I'm pregnant accidently despite wanting a family. Ironically, my partner of 4 years and I almost broke up two months ago over differences on having a family. He doesn't want a baby for at least two more years until we're more settled. Im 37 this year and so this was a big ask to wait but I decided this is what I'd do as our lives together so far has been brilliant and I can honestly say Id like to spend the rest of my life with him. Im only a week pregnant and given the situation the timing is awful. He's basically saying that the best thing to do is terminate and we'll try again in a couple of years. He's a full time student right now so not earning and I wouldn't want to disrespect his feelings either and push him in to something that he's not ready for financially or emotionally. The alternative is that I keep the baby and go it alone. Living in very expensive city I have no idea how I would even begin to afford this and as im prone to depression my worse case scenario terrifies me. If i move somewhere cheaper i wouldnt have the support network id need. All this said, I can't imagine terminating. I cant imagine losing my partner either. Any advice most welcome. Im so anxious I cant sleep and feel terrified :(

[HopefulHamster]

It's not even about the risk of trying to conceive at 39 - you only have his say-so that he will do it then. Chances are you could terminate, wait to 39, only for him to say a) I'm not ready b) I'm not that into you, farewell (with him possibly moving onto a younger model when he is ready) or c) let's think about it in two years.

I would be seriously concerned about any long-term partner putting a two year 'let's wait' stipulation on a 37 year old woman.

I know the alternative is potentially single parenthood, but wouldn't you resent someone who had played his part in getting you pregnant, wanted children eventually (possibly), then forced you to abort?

[squizita]

Armadale off-topic but have you had tests? 5 losses would be extreme even for someone starting to TTC at 40. Just in case GP has put it down to age (I know some can).
Fertility drops off at 35, but the MC rate doesn't shoot up until 40+ and even then it is extremely rare to get more than 2 in a row.

[mathanxiety]

If he didn't want a baby then there are ways and means for him to make sure that doesn't happen.

You are going to find it very difficult to conceive at 39.
By that time he may or may not have changed his mind about a baby. How would you feel about your relationship if he turned to you at 39 and said 'You know what? I don't feel ready for a baby.'

If you want a baby, if you want to be a mother, then go ahead with this pregnancy. The bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. There are no guarantees in life.

[squizita]

I wanted a family (ie atleast 2 DC) not just a child.



Non age related but: this is a really thoughtless thing to say. Never heard the like of it and I'm from a Catholic big-family culture. Incredibly upsetting to those who ony have 1 child for many reasons (usually NOT age!! Divorce, disability, infertility, health, finances...or just wanting one).

22Honey sadly you are giving away the over confidence of youth, and sounding judgemental.

Many families have one child AN ONLY CHILD FAMILY IS A FAMILY... for whatever reason. And very naive to think that starting at 22 guarantees a larger family in any way.

[purpleroses]

Being a single parent really isn't bad. It can be fun. And in the long term you may meet Mr right in 5 or 10 years time. Better to have your baby now as you won't be conceiving it with Mr right in 5-10 years time.

Of your long term partner would leave you now at 37 when he's got you pregnant then he is not someone you want to stay with.

[squizita]

What Purple says... say you conceive quickly in 2 years time, even so, you will always know he put his desires ahead of yours and your childs. Not a great basis for a life partner. :( And would he be able to handle the time TTC may take at that age? Or would he find someone else.

You're a woman with a life to live, not just something to be convenient to his needs: you want a child, you're mid 30s, go for it. If he loves and respects you, 2 years won't matter.

[DinoSnores]

"Many families have one child AN ONLY CHILD FAMILY IS A FAMILY"

I would take that further. When we got married and people asked when we were thinking of starting a family, we said we did on the day we got married. Even though we wanted children (and lots of them), we might have never been able to have them but that wouldn't make us any less of a family. Some families have no children.

[dreamofwhitehorses]

If you want a family this is your chance and you need to carry on with this pregnancy because it's highly likely this maybe your only chance. Thats it I'm afraid other than your partner sounds like an arse, but that's for another thread

[22honey]

Squiza I already posted about that after someone else took offence, I phrased what I meant rather badly. Of course one child is a family, I meant when I hear people say they 'want a family' they usually mean they want several children in my experience. Not that a one child family isnt a family IYSYIM.

Trust me I am not overconfident in the slightest especially given my age. What do I sound judgemental about? The way I phrase things might not be the best sometimes (don't ask why, I don't know) but I am definately not judgemental about any of the issues mentioned on this thread. I was merely trying to give some advice and any input, but I suppose my age means I'm not qualified?

Its odd how some people take offence when a young person talks about older age related issues, a common pattern I've noticed is for them to then use the person's younger age against them, usually trying to make them sound stupid or lacking in knowledge and life experience. Its common on threads regarding fertility, like some people take declining fertility with age personally and get sarky with younger women mentioning it. Believe it or not age related problems are something a young person has to take into account aswell, they will be older one day.

[22honey]

I also considered me, DP the cats and dog :P a family before any thought of children so nope, I don't think one child doesn't equal family!

[puffylovett]

Keep it.

I terminated for a man when I was 24. I adored him. We stayed together for another 7 years, but ultimately I never forgave him and always resented him and we wound up in a totally destructive relationship. I wish wish wish I hadn't terminated

[22honey]

And oh my god, WHERE did I say starting a family at 22 guarantees a large family??!! Talk about twisting words to suit your agenda! Really, really rude! If you want my actual opinion on that statement of yours (seeing as its one I've not made myself) I would probably agree if asked that starting to have children in your early 20s would improve your chances of having a large family if thats what you want, purely because you have an extra 10-15 years of childbearing, not that I intend to spend the next 20 years being pregnant and giving birth nor have I said such a thing on this thread.

Some people are so bloody touchy, I really don't think theres any need to twist someone's words so much!

[dreamofwhitehorses]

22honey people on here can be awful about one child families and not being a family is the sort of thing some seem to genuinely think. So thats why we can bw a bit sensitive, but appreciate that wasn't your intended meaning

[22honey]

You also twisted my words by editing what I put to 'I wanted a family (ie 2 DC) not a child' - when I didn't even write that! I wasn't even referring to myself!

Really, desperately sneaky that one.

[squizita]

22Honey ...because (and it may be a phrasing thing here) you still think having one child is a mainly age related thing?
" Its common on threads regarding fertility, like some people take declining fertility with age personally and get sarky with younger women mentioning it. Believe it or not age related problems are something a young person has to take into account aswell..."
Reduced fertility at 37-40 is something which happens to those lucky enough to have been able to have kids before then. Many women have health, relationship, financial etc' issues which mean they will have their only child at 18, 20, 22... or indeed no children if they are unlucky.

For example my ability to have kids shot up recently, though I am in my 30s. Why? Because the treatment for the blood condition causing almost 100% risk of miscarriage untreated was perfected on the NHS. My consultant categorically said to me, had I tried at "19" I still would have failed without treatment. It might take me 3 months not 1 to get pregnant (ironically I am hyper fertile) but the medication to keep me pregnant wasn't around 10 years ago.

Likewise PCOS can strike at any age etc'. Too many younger people assume gynie issues 'appear' in your 30s (which can be a dangerous as well as incorrect assumption) and are something to worry about next decade. Too many heartbroken 20-something women without kids are ignored because they have 'plenty of time' when it isn't time-related at all.

It's just your tone does sound like you have fertility and family all figured out, which (and again this might be a phrasing thing) makes you sound defensive and a bit younger than you are at times. You sound like anyone disagreeing (perhaps with either life experience or expertise in the field) is taking it 'personally' and getting 'sarky'.

[22honey]

dream thankyou I know and that was not my intention I had already wrote a post to correct it after someone was offended yet still got people commenting about it being rather snarky and ageist to boot! Aswell as twisting everything I said, that seems to be really common on Mumsnet in general?

I'm off this thread now as I am too young to comment without offending people, I hope the OP comes back to see all the support she has got.

[22honey]

Squizita, I am not stupid, my friend had her only son at 20 and then had two huge cysts and lost both her ovaries. I am well aware that starting young doesnt guarantee lots of children. Stop being so ageist.

[22honey]

My 'tone' makes you think I believe I have fertility and family sorted out? So not anything I actually said then?

Ha.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

At 37 you'd be crazy to terminate and try again in two years. Just don't do it. You will regret it all your life if it turns out you can't conceive in two years, or you split up, or any other obstacle gets in the way.

[squizita]

22Honey I cut and pasted that quote. Honestly I did. Anything not in bold or quote marks would be my words.

You are now sounding very defensive and arrogant and slightly ranting.

You said something unintentionally hurtful, you admit this sometimes happens. You feel I've shown this up in a way which makes you look bad. It seems this angers you.

I have done nothing sneaky: if anything the way I phrase things is blunt and I avoid euphemism.

[squizita]

"Stop being so ageist."

In fact, my point is that fertility issues aren't an age-related thing, but society seems to act like it is and they are leaving younger women who cannot have the family size they desire without support at times. Which is a problem for them. How is this ageist? Saying all women should get support regardless of age?

I have mentioned your writing style, but that is because you mentioned phrasing yourself.

[FeckinNC]

I rarely post but felt I had to add another voice. You should keep the baby. There is no guarantee you will be able to conceive again in your late 30s. I would definitely question the commitment and desire for children of a man who was asking me to wait until my late 30s to conceive. Is your DH aware of exactly what that may mean? I'm 35 and have been trying for my first baby for 7 months having presumed getting pregnant would be easy. It's not. If you want a child you should proceed with this pregnancy.

[TestingTestingWonTooFree]

OP I agree with others that if you want to be a mum terminating this pregnancy with a view to trying in two years is a massive risk. I also agree that you might find it very difficult to live with yourself/your partner if you terminate when you don't really want to.

What has he actually said?

[angryangryyoungwoman]

I'm sorry that you are in this position. You must do what is best for you. No one else's opinions matter as you will be the one dealing with the consequences. Either a baby or a termination. You may not be in a relationship with him in the future and he forgoed any say when he made you pregnant.. If he didn't want a baby, he should have ensured it couldn't happen. Decide what you want and don't feel guilty about your choice. Your body, your choice. And please remember that there is never a perfect time to have a baby, you can make either option work for you.