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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

7 months pregnant & the father has left me! :(

32 replies

Mummy2014 · 10/10/2013 10:53

I honestly have no idea where to start. Me & my fiancé had planned this baby, I fell pregnant very quickly after having in implant out it other than that we were both so excited. Fast forward 7 months & over a facebook message he tells me he's my happy& doesn't think we should be together.

We are meant to be moving house tomorrow, which is still going ahead - I'm making him at least pay for a house for me & his child.

I begged him to give it a chance, I haven't been the easiest of people to be around, I honestly don't feel like pregnancy suits me, I've had 1 I'll was after another which has got me down. He spends most of his time at the pub which is when I start moaning at him.

I just wanted to hear if others have gone through the same & how you coped? Right now my heart is breaking & honestly don't know if adoption would be the best thing for this child :(

Would love to hear from you.

OP posts:

Report

LightTripper · 13/10/2013 17:28

OK. Glad you've talked. Do remember though, it's not an option for him to just opt in to the bits he fancies. If he wants to be part time you can't stop him, but (a) he still shares financial responsibility and (b) it has to be shared responsibility in a way that suits you both, not just him.

Hang on in there. There'll be good days and bad days I'm sure, but you can do it.

Mummy2014 · 13/10/2013 16:46

Thank you all for your kind words.

It's been an odd day, he's been round today to talk, he wouldn't talk about us only baby & how we'll arrange things. He said we're better off working together than fighting each other, which I do agree with but it doesn't stop the hurt.

He wants to be there for me throughout the rest of the pregnancy, and spending time as friends :-/ which I don't think I can manage, but on the other hand why shouldn't he be there & going through it all too.

He's now been texting me, just friendly banter - after barely talking to him the weekend - which is odd but I have to admit I miss out friendship element. Maybe he's just playing on that fact, who knows!

I know for a fact I can do this on my own, I will be rearranging the flat, and planning everything ready for baby & if he's around then great, if he isn't then I get my baby all to myself :)

Xx

OP posts:

addictedtolatte · 13/10/2013 05:39

Op how are you today? Hope you've had some rest. It really will be ok am a changed person since this happened to me but in a positive way. Your child only needs one committed parent if that's how it ends up. Take care and don't blame yourself for any of this. Take care and hope all turns out well

LightTripper · 11/10/2013 18:18

Totally agree with omu. This is not your failure. And you'll be totally fine in a one bed, try not to worry. Babies are small and don't move around much or need that much stuff! My friend was in a 1 bed and did fine (oh, and did I mention her OH stayed in their house but stopped paying the mortgage, leaving the Building Society chasing her for the negative equity after he did his disappearing act?). But honestly she has a lovely life, and gave her daughter a lovely babyhood and toddlerhood on her own. She even managed to go to Uni when she was unable to afford the child care to work, and trained as a teacher, which is not something she ever thought she would do ( and probably wouldn't have done if her husband hadn't buggered if). As for her daughter you never saw a smilier little person! Cheeky of course, and energetic (taking after Mum!), but happy! And you never know what doors will open for you in the future!

Don't feel a failure. It's not a failure to fall in love, or be passionate, or make a mistake. Actually it takes a lot of guts to do those things (guts I haven't had, for what it's worth) and you should feel proud of yourself for being brave enough to achieve everything you already have done. Lots of people who would dearly love to will never fall in love, or bring a child into the world. Things don't always work out. They are not failures and neither are you!!

Can you organise something nice for the weekend? Maybe invite a girlfriend over for a pizza pig out?!

omuwalamulungi · 11/10/2013 17:37

The failure is not yours.

I would think anyone who he may be slagging you off to will be thinking he is an utter loser for leaving a pregnant woman.

Could you co-sleep? It saves a lot of space :) You won't need a buggy straight away, you could try a sling for the first months?

I know it is hard, believe me, but you don't need him. You may want him immensely but you do not need him. I think he really has shown his true colours and I would be thinking very carefully about allowing him back even if he decides it is what he suddenly wants.

Of course none of us know him better than you and I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but it's so easy to get sucked in by someone and stop believing that you can manage alone. It is far better to be alone than be with someone who you'll be worrying will up and leave if it gets too hard.

Hope you start feeling better soon.

Mummy2014 · 11/10/2013 17:27

Thank you, I just feel such a failure & completely embarrassed that Ive been left on my own. I worry far too much what people think of me & thinking that he going to be slagging me off as a hormonal bitch down the pub, when I wish they all knew the truth!

I'm now stuck in a 1 bedroom flat trying to create room for all the babies things, because I can't afford to move. He has said all he is willing to contribute is £100 towards the rent & then csa payments when baby is here.

I am hoping & praying he has a change of heart & decides he wants this after all, but will it be too little too late? I hope he sees sense but what's to say he won't go off again?!

Stupidly I asked if we could see each other tonight & he is busy - so there is me now thinking he's moved on already (bloody hormones!)

Need to try & get some food down me & not make contact with him, lets see if he even gets in touch :-/

Xx

OP posts:

LightTripper · 11/10/2013 16:55

I think you need to let yourself do that. Of course you will miss him! That is totally natural!! And maybe he will at some point grow up and see sense and decide to be a proper supportive partner again, rather than bailing because things get rough for "a few weeks"... But in the end you can't force him to do it, and you can't change your behaviour to fix things. If he can't handle a slightly moody pregnant lady, he is not going to be able to handle a colicky baby or a grumpy 2 year old! If he really cannot handle a little bit of rough with the smooth then things were always going to go wrong some time. Nothing you can do about it.

So I think you need to firstly just give yourself some time to come to terms with the shock and the hurt. And then start to plan to cope on your own. And that will take time. You will probably not feel ok next week or the week after. But soon you will have your lovely baby in your arms and all your family around you. And if he doesn't manage to man up, that's very sad, but you will be FINE. And if he does see the light and beg you to take him back, and IF you then decide that's a good idea, then that's a nice bonus. But always remember that the baseline is you and your gorgeous baby, supported by your family, and that is more than enough if it has to be.

I just wish there was a fast forward button through all this shitty bit. Sending you hugs and a big cushion in the shape of something cute to hug, or kick, as appropriate (probably a bit of both, while crying, I would imagine)

Xxx

Mummy2014 · 11/10/2013 16:31

No further improvements today, I keep breaking down & sobbing, it's hard because I've started missing him now.
Stupidly I'm thinking if I just change & let him have his nights out & try to be a better fiancé maybe he'll stay with me, when in reality hormones & a bit of moaning shouldn't matter, that's normal in pregnancy.

Oh and to top it off, I have had slight bleeding - called MW & as it's only a little have to keep an eye on it & get checked out of it worsens.

At the moment I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. :(

OP posts:

brettgirl2 · 11/10/2013 07:24

You have loads to offer baby, love being the most important, a wonderful family.

No direct experience but I know several people who have basically been single since babies were born, it's really common place.

It will be tough but you can do it. The hardest situ I think is getting stuck with a manchild who expects everything done for him without helping in any way. At least if you are on your own routines are all yours and you know where you are.

addictedtolatte · 10/10/2013 21:09

Glad your feeling a bit more positive. Your lucky to have supportive family as I did and it was a godsend. I wouldn't waste anymore time on this man he knows where you are so let him come to you if he has anything to say.
My ex didn't want commitment either it took him 16 years and 2 dc to come to that conclusion men are strange creatures. Take care

SadPander · 10/10/2013 21:01

No experience, but just wanted to say I'm so sorry he is being such a dick at the time you feel you need him the most. As others have said though, I'm sure you CAN do this by yourself if you want to. You don't have to if its not what you want but please know that you can. It does sound like he wants to have his cake and eat it. Obviously its great if he still wants to be involved in the babies life, but I'm not sure it would be great for you to have him over feeling your bump then upping and leaving when he's had enough. I imagine that would make it harder for you to move on from this?

omuwalamulungi · 10/10/2013 20:45

You're right, it will be tough, but it's so worth it. I can spend hours (sometimes!) trying to get my DS to sleep but when he wakes up in the morning all playful and happy I just forget all about it.

He doesn't get to pick and choose which bits he wants to do, that's not how it works.

Let people help you where they can and try to face the challenges with a smile. Keep talking here if it helps.

I really feel for you. Try to have a nice night.

Mummy2014 · 10/10/2013 20:23

Thank you all for your kind words, it does mean so much. He hasn't even the decency to answer the phone to me so I went to his mums to confront him & he was like I don't know what you want me to say, we haven't been getting on for a few weeks I don't even know why your with me, all I do is annoy you. Then he's like, I still want to see you & be there for you, I'll come in the evenings & feel baby kicking & help as much as I can.

That says to me, he's wants his cake & to eat it. All the fun parts of a family but no commitment.

My family & friends have been amazing, I'm starting to think maybe I can do this on my own, I just know I'm in for a few tough months ahead :-/

Xx

OP posts:

YomAsalYomBasal · 10/10/2013 17:54

I was in your situation a few years ago. I was distraught and thought life would never get better. Things were actually easier once the baby was born as I had a focus and a reason to get out of bed each day. Several years on I am happily married to a lovely new man, who adores my child. Life has a way of sorting itself out, honestly.

LightTripper · 10/10/2013 17:51

Just saw your family is supporting you, which is brilliant. Do let them help you and support you. They will want to do that more than anything. Don't feel a burden, this is what families are for. Let them support you and all will be well, it really will xx

addictedtolatte · 10/10/2013 17:47

Op I was you 3 years ago and I did it. I live in a tiny 2 bedroom flat and my children are so happy. I felt like you but all they need is love and encouragement not material things. Sounds like you have a good support network. Take care and be kind to yourself xx

LightTripper · 10/10/2013 17:47

So sorry you have been so badly let down.

This happened to one of my best friends when she was 20. They had actually been trying for a while and had a couple of miscarriages, but her husband still decided late in the pregnancy he couldn't handle the responsibility and left (and basically disappeared and claimed benefits, so no child support, nothing).

Obviously it was very very tough. BUT I can tell you she got through, and her daughter is now a gorgeous 18 year old, about to go off to uni, and a doting big sister to her little brother who is 10. My friend is very happily married to her sons father, who is a great stepdad and general all round good bloke.

So please don't feel that this has to be a sad ending. Obviously you have to do what's right for you. But my friend had really nothing financially and no support from her hub at all (I think he gave her a 20 mother care voucher or something equally rubbish) and things still came right in time.

Do you have a good friend or family you can talk to? What you need now is lots of hugs and somebody to cry on. You don't have to make any decisions now. Do your move, settle yourself in, give yourself a massive hug and take things a day at a time.

Wishing you all the best xx

HopeS01 · 10/10/2013 17:31

Mummy, I'm sorry you're hurting .
You can do this! It sounds like you have a great support network and you will do a brilliant job.
Try not to stress too much. Just play it by ear for now, try to have a relaxing evening and don't overthink. Things will work out.
More hugs x

BummyMummy77 · 10/10/2013 16:59

I agree. You have EVERYTHING to offer. As I said before, it's your decision and nobody will judge you but you CAN do this. If you have friends and family you are far from alone.

Look at all the women who have their partners around them just to be shitty Dads and a drain and negative effect on Mum's life and emotions. You'll have none of that. No trying to please anyone, you can do it your way.

If he's an dick enough to up and leave now then he probably wouldn't have been much support anyway.

My Mum raised 6 kids on her own, all close together and two of who were autistic, one severely (can't be left alone due to self harm etc). Being a Mummy is THE strongest force on earth. Don't ever forget that.

Lots of hugs.

omuwalamulungi · 10/10/2013 16:31

You have everything to offer. Please don't ever think that you're not enough for your baby.

Babies need love, food and warmth and if your family are supportive there is no reason why you can't do this.

I know it may not feel like it now, but it is his loss. The best thing you can do now is leave him to it.

Sending my best wishes to you.

Mummy2014 · 10/10/2013 16:22

Well there is no going back. Now, he isn't even willing to have the house together as planned, he will give me "some"money towards a house but not the full amount.

I am so hurt & angry, I can't believe I'm in this alone.
My family have been amazing & constantly tell me I can do this, but do I want to? Do I want to bring a child I to the world when I have nothing to offer it.

Sending you all hugs

Xx

OP posts:

BummyMummy77 · 10/10/2013 14:18

I'm so sorry. I hope you can sort it out but a little advice, don't trip over yourself to 'make things perfect' so he'll stay. I know that's what I'd do but after a baby is born things don't get any easier and can be a tremendous strain on the best of relationships.

Don't walk around on tiptoes trying to be perfect now, he has to take you or leave you the way things really are.

And PLEASE don't even think about blaming yourself or saying things like "I've not been easy, I moan a lot". Big deal. He's a big man with a brain of his own. I've been utter hell to live with during this pregnancy and I'm surprised my husband hasn't upped and left to be honest but he hasn't because he's developed coping mechanisms and has the compassion and understanding to see it's been out of my control.

I was in this situation 10 years ago. Planned pregnancy, fiancee left me (I found out he was actually already married with a wife living across London half the time) and had an abortion. It's something a regret almost everyday. Whatever decision you make regarding adoption is totally yours but take some time to think.

If you don't have the support of family or friends then there is still support out there. Don't be afraid of doing this on your own if it comes down to it. Millions of Mummies do and it's not easy but I think most agree it's worth it.

Do something nice for yourself today and keep telling yourself how strong you are (even if you don't feel it!).

Thinking of you and sending you positive vibes.

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honey86 · 10/10/2013 14:17

sorry to here that op im single again too after abusive behaviour from my ex since i got preg. im 37 weeks tomorrow. hang in there, focus your mind on other things, and use whatever support you can access, practical and emotion. focus on bubba, that got me through xx

kelly21 · 10/10/2013 14:09

hi i am in the same situation 24 weeks and single again :( theres no chance of us getting back together and its broke me this is the second time i have been dumped in both my pregnacys thats what hurts the most i havent had good pregnancys and i probably never will :(

addictedtolatte · 10/10/2013 13:27

Hi the same thing happened to me 3 years ago 2 year old ds and 6 months pregnant due to move into new home. He disappeared changed locks on home ect....... I just focused on my child and the one I was carrying. To be honest it was a blessing it happened whilst I was pregnant as it gave me something to focus on instead of my broken heart I did go through a roller coaster 2 years but 3 years on I've never been happier. Mine wasn't a fairy tale ending but being a single parent does have some benefits good luck op stay strong and I hope it all works out. And believe in KARMA it worked for me

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