Dealing with gender disappointment - sorry for another thread

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Really sorry for another gender disappointment thread; I know these create mixed emotions really just need to get thoughts down in writing and talk to others as a way of moving forward.

So I already have an amazing DS who I brought up originally as a single mum and is my world. Now married (different dad) and DH & I are expecting. Found out yday at scan that baby is healthy and another boy.

DH is ecstatic as are his family - for them it's all about carrying on the family name. DS not really interested (he's 4) but mildly pleased that he guessed the correct gender. Lots of well meaning friends & family messaging me how sorry they are for me as everybody knew I had my heart set on a girl.

I really really did. I feel so alone in my family of boys sometimes - even the dog is a boy. Of course I love them, but I can't get excited about boy games, toys and tv programmes. In fact, all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time.

My MIL messaged me when we found out saying at least il get "me" time now & to make sure DH takes them out lots to do boy things. But that's precisely what I didn't want...I feel so alone and like im grieving for the princess I'd imagined, named and planned life with.

I know boys are super affectionate. DS tells me lovely things regularly. That's part of the issue too - I can't imagine loving another boy as much as him: I've already got my little man.

I know this will anger some people but I can't help how I feel. I've cried almost constantly since we found out yesterday and haven't been able to sleep all night. Dreading going into work and facing everyone.

I need some ways to cope. I'm not convinced by the logic that when baby pops out everything will change and il adore him too. I didn't even overly want another baby - I did it for DH because he's taken on me and DS and desperately wanted one of his own. Now I feel so empty. I can't bond with the thought or with any names. Please tell me this will get better

[ch1134]

I am from a family of girls and always imagined that I wanted a big family with at least one girl, because I wanted to one day have a teenaged daughter... but the minute I found out I was pregnant (with no.1 now)I felt differently. I felt overwhelmingly that I didn't want to find out the gender as it just didn't matter. This baby is a person and will be who it is, and love who it loves. I don't care if my baby is a boy, girl, straight, gay, and whatever they enjoy doing, or whatever path they want to follow, I intend to encourage them...

I'm not sure how finding out the gender in advance of birth is helpful, and as a girl from a family of girls, gender stereotyping does annoy me. Girls are still at a disadvantage globally and considered the weaker sex... I don't think it helps to think of them as 'precious'. I would hope, if I have a girl, that as she grows up she does not feel pressured to wear make-up and shave off all her natural body hair... and that if she wants to go into politics or mechanics, she feels she can... but she wants to do things which I currently feel aren't quite right, I guess I'll just have to let her be herself...

[TobyLerone]

This is why I don't want to find out what this baby is before it's born. I have a slight preference for a boy, and I would hate for any part of its life to be tainted by my disappointment (however slight and fleeting) if it were a girl.

Nobody feels disappointment at the birth of a healthy newborn, so whatever it is we will only feel joy.

There was a ridiculous woman at a scan I had recently, who came out of the scan room and burst into loud tears in the waiting room. Her DH was comforting her and everyone waiting was shuffling around awkwardly, as she'd clearly had some bad news. She was inconsolable to the point where she told her DH he had to wait for her notes/the photo while she waited outside. It turned out it was because she was having a boy and she'd 'had her heart set' on a girl
I felt so sorry for her DH, who just kept reminding her that the baby was perfect and healthy. He was clearly thrilled. She was totally spoiling it for him, and also for herself. She'll never be able to get that time back :(

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

Toby are you pregnant? Congrats! :)

[TobyLerone]

Yep. I've kept it pretty quiet so far, except for on this board! Thank you :o

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

[EldritchCleavage]

Yay, Toby, congratulations!

[crazyhead]

I found out a few weeks ago I was expecting my second boy and felt similarly upset, but I do feel the feelings are calming down a little and I expect they will for you. I was quite surprised at my reaction, I hadn't been thinking about gender. But I can now see that I've always carried an idea of a daughter around with me, and basically, that won't happen now.

I think that imagining having a child of the same sex as you can be tied up with all sorts of things, including in a way with imagining seeing yourself go through life again. It is quite complex - I have never, ever been a girly girl so for me I don't think it is tied up much with gender assumptions exactly.

I don't think you should feel guilty about feeling sad, I think you should let yourself grieve it. I don't think anyone on this thread or in your real life has a right to comment on what you should or shouldn't grieve. All sorts of assumptions about your life - the man you thought you'd land up with, what job you thought you'd do, how long you thought you'd have your parents around, can confound you and knock you for six. It's fair enough to find it hard when your deep-held ideas of the life you thought you'd have basically turn out not to be the case. Feel as sad as you want and don't worry about some meta guilt, let your sub conscious do the processing.

The only thing it's worth remembering in my view is that often the stuff that turned out to make you happiest in life isn't the stuff you thought you'd needed, and conversely sometimes the stuff you thought you really wanted doesn't work at all. Whatever your reaction means, I don't think it will predict your happiness or relationship with your son xxx

[EldritchCleavage]

That's a lovely post, crazy.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Thank you so much crazy, that really is a lovely post. It's great to hear you're feeling better about it - I'm already feeling a little bit more accepting this morning - and your point that it's often not what you expect to make you happiest in life which does is wonderful. Thank you x

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful]

Great post crazy

I experienced gender disappointment at the 20 week scan with dd. I wanted boys, I am a bit of a Tom boy and have no time at all for shopping or pink stuff. I cried the day I found out she was a girl but I did rapidly get my head round it, I am sure you will too.

[wordyBird]

OP, I also wondered if there was a more to this than gender disappointment.
You mentioned a messy house, and sounded very sad and frustrated about it. Also, that you wouldn't have chosen to have a baby in any way, shape or form ( an emphatic expression). You mentioned divorce/disappointed husband/have child anyway as your three options. That sounds hard.

It seems sad, too, that you're not having your way about the child's name at present.

So I wondered if a one-off counselling session would help. So you could look at these complex feelings in a safe place - rather than try to get over them, change them, whatever. I feel as if your wishes and your voice need to be heard, somewhere.

[workingonitagain]

I remember when we found out our second is going to be a boy I felt bad as although I never said it, deep down I think I was hoping for a girl only because I though by having another boy, he was going to be the same and was hoping for a different experience
but it is so not! my ds2 is so much more affectionate and has great empathy even at his age and it's so wonderful to see what different personalities they are becoming and very exciting at the same time. You will probably have to find this out for yourself to realise this. Good luck to you and enjoy x

[Inthebeginning]

I'm infertile. I'm grieving for the child I'm never going to have. Full stop.
You need to look at what you will have 2 lovely children. Yes you wont have a girl but you will have cuddled and love and hugs and baking and art and picking flowers etc. Just like I will eventually have children but will just have missed the birth and early months/years.
It's shit, its not what you ideally want. But you have to make the best out of it. X

[babylove789]

you should unconditionally love any child you are blessed enough to have. Think of those who don't have the chance/opportunity to have any children and how you yourself are extreamly lucky to have any gender child you are given

[DaveMccave]

I'm 5 weeks till due date and didn't find out the sex. I was desperate for a boy when I had my dd (also has a different father) 6 years ago. I didn't find out this time because I knew I'd be disappointed with a girl, and I remember we'll the guilt
That comes with gender disappointment. I hoped if I do have another girl then when she is just born I'll just be happy to have my baby.

I told everyone this time I really don't mind, but I'd slightly prefer a boy. This was a lie and I've been very anxious about having a girl and terrified I'll struggle to bond.

Something's changed in the last few weeks though. I had a dream I had a girl, she was beautiful, looked like my dp, had some of his features that dd doesnt have and it just felt totally right. Now I really don't mind because I've built on positive imaginations, what the poster said about imagination v will power is very true.

I've explored why I wanted a boy so much. (Very poor childhood relationship with mother and sister, strong with brothers and father. I've never been at all girly myself) and also because I clash strongly with my dd. I love her but I don't relate to her well. I am shy and not girly. She is very confident, very strong willed girly girl who has a lot of personality features of her father who was abusive to me. This dream I had of my potential daughter made me realise there is no way I will have another daughter exactly the same. It would actually be really interesting to have another girl and see the similarities/differences with her sister.

It's taken me nearly all pregnancy but I really don't mind now. I didn't think I'd get to this point. I hope you get there too.

[Skashow11]

Im 26 weeks with son #2 and im going through the same kinds of emotions. I'll briefly explain; i have 2 girls aged 7&8 with an ex, i met and married my hubby who has 2 boys with an ex, he has full custody. He never made a secret of the fact he always longed for a daughter even going as far as picking a name out! We had our 1st son whos now 3 and things were really good, we decided 5 children between us were enough! Now im unexpectedly expecting again with another boy and he couldn't be less interested! Im hoping it will change when he holds his forth son but im really not too sure. All i know is i love my son just the same as my other children and i wouldnt change them for the world!! Just goes to show its not just women who experience gender disappointment.
Chin up,things will get better!!

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Thanks again everyone. I am definitely feeling a little better. Really want to start 'doing' things to help me bond with this baby now - like getting on with the nursery but DH is away today to help shift furniture. I do think if we could get the name issue sorted i'd feel better too so I can start talking to him as a named person, not just 'it'. We had a girls name all picked out but simply can't agree for a boy.

He's quiet though - even though the scan showed all totally fine, I rarely feel him move. & I was thinking yesterday "please stay, I do want you" so that's good...not that I ever really doubted I want him now he's here, just that in my 'ideal' world things would be a bit different x

For those who've been through this and got over it - does there come a point that seeing others with little girls / looking at all the lovely clothes and things for girls stops hurting so much?

[May09Bump]

sorry really don't get this level of disappointment - I understand your wish for a girl, but the girl may not be the girl you wanted anyway in personality etc.

I was upset that my little one had a birthmark on his face (I didn't care), but knew would face medical treatment, possible bullying etc until we walked through great ormand street hospital - I have never felt so humbled in light of what other children face.

Count your blessings and move on, maybe look at other avenues of having that female contact.

[WinkyWinkola]

Boymeetsworld,it isn't about not wanting your baby boy.

I still get pangs when I see all the beautiful girls clothes because my dd will not wear anything like girls stuff. She wears her brothers clothes.

So I dress my lot very brightly coloured cheerful stuff.

[Willabywallaby]

Sorry I've not read all the posts, but I think your reaction to knowing makes me think it's best not to find out.

I have 2 boys, my second birth was unplanned homebirth with me feeling underneath to 'see' what we had while DH let the midwife in. I felt a bit 'ah, I thought I'd get another boy', but in no way disappointed because he was in my arms safe and well.

I hope your feelings of disappointment reduce and you enjoy your newborn cuddles when he arrives.

[Cravingdairy]

It's healthy to express your feelings and it can be hard to do that in real life so I'm glad you feel a bit better OP. To those who rush to judgment - have you never had an emotion you weren't proud of?

[Wuxiapian]

Be grateful for what you have!

[sheeplikessleep]

Just to say we are expecting ds3 and felt similar at 20 week scan. I guess I envisaged always having a daughter at some point, I grew up with two sisters and just 'get' girls more. However, time really does help. I am due in a few weeks and cannot wait for my third and final little boy. I think it just takes time to get your head around a new family structure. If my new baby boy is as gorgeous and scrumptious as my first two, I feel so lucky and blessed.
i just wanted to say that time does change feelings. Don't be hard on yourself. Maybe you will always have a little yearning to have had a daughter, but I bet in time, you wouldn't change that little boy growing inside you for the world.
the time i knew i was over it, was when someone said 'what a shame' when they found out my dc3 was a boy. I felt so protective and defensive towards him and this lioness anger at this woman. How dare she show disappointment at my baby inside me. I didn't, but i felt this primal urge to push her to the ground!!
congrats by the way