Dealing with gender disappointment - sorry for another thread

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Really sorry for another gender disappointment thread; I know these create mixed emotions really just need to get thoughts down in writing and talk to others as a way of moving forward.

So I already have an amazing DS who I brought up originally as a single mum and is my world. Now married (different dad) and DH & I are expecting. Found out yday at scan that baby is healthy and another boy.

DH is ecstatic as are his family - for them it's all about carrying on the family name. DS not really interested (he's 4) but mildly pleased that he guessed the correct gender. Lots of well meaning friends & family messaging me how sorry they are for me as everybody knew I had my heart set on a girl.

I really really did. I feel so alone in my family of boys sometimes - even the dog is a boy. Of course I love them, but I can't get excited about boy games, toys and tv programmes. In fact, all the trains and cars and fighting figures all over my pretty little house drive me insane. I'm not the sporty type, don't want to be getting dirty and play fighting. They mess everywhere up and don't care, make the toilets smelly, hate shopping and couldn't care less about watching any girly programmes or having pamper time.

My MIL messaged me when we found out saying at least il get "me" time now & to make sure DH takes them out lots to do boy things. But that's precisely what I didn't want...I feel so alone and like im grieving for the princess I'd imagined, named and planned life with.

I know boys are super affectionate. DS tells me lovely things regularly. That's part of the issue too - I can't imagine loving another boy as much as him: I've already got my little man.

I know this will anger some people but I can't help how I feel. I've cried almost constantly since we found out yesterday and haven't been able to sleep all night. Dreading going into work and facing everyone.

I need some ways to cope. I'm not convinced by the logic that when baby pops out everything will change and il adore him too. I didn't even overly want another baby - I did it for DH because he's taken on me and DS and desperately wanted one of his own. Now I feel so empty. I can't bond with the thought or with any names. Please tell me this will get better

[yamsareyammy]

Are you quite wealthy op?

[yamsareyammy]

You dont have to answer that if you dont want to.
I have seen threads like this before, and often the ops are wealthy.
They are used to a certain amount of control in thier lives, and it comes as a bit of a shock to discover that in such a major thing as this, they cant control the situation.

[Thurlow]

I always imagined having boys. I found at the gender at 20w because if it was a girl, I felt I needed time to get rid of those years of imaginings of my future family. I was so scared of finding out when I gave birth and having a disappointed reaction then, silly as that sounds.

We had a girl. As others have said, she is her own person and that is what you fall in love with, not a gender. Now I can't imagine having a son! And really, you can't tell the difference between a girl and a boy as a baby other than how you wipe after a nappy

It's good that you can acknowledge these feelings now. Just take your time and start thinking about your new son, start thinking of his name, and time will help this disappointment pass. But you're never wrong to feel how you feel. Better to acknowledge this and face up to it than to mull over it to the extent that it could affect your relationship when you son is born.

[harryhausen]

Fobbly is so right. Pearlywhites, I haven't seen all the 'really nasty posters on this thread'.

Just one person said the OP should consider herself lucky. Everyone else has tried to reassure and in a small way help the OP.

???

[harryhausen]

Or even the "extremely nasty posters on this thread".

[MaryKatharine]

It's all very well to tell the OP that she is stereotyping but its disingenuous to say that boys and girls and the parenting of them is the same. It simply isn't. I have 2 of each and I can categorically say that although they are all different from each other, there is still a difference between daughters and sons and it is true, no denying it, that girls do tend to stay closer to their others as they get older. YY,I'm sure lots of people will try and counter my post by saying that they have never been close to their other or that their DH is very close to his but, statistically, it is daughters who maintain that very close relationship into adulthood.
Both my mother and my MIL are dead now but when both were alive, I had lots of contact with them. My eldest saw them regularly but it was my own mother that I called 'just to chat' and it was my own mother that I went out just for a cuppa with. It was my own mother that came wedding dress shopping with me etc.

I know I'll get flamed for this and I'm sorry if it doesn't help you, OP! I'm not in any way thing to be cruel but just feel its importan to counter all this ' they are no different' bull as that is not remotely helpful to you right now. Neither is tough love and telling you to get over it. All that will help is time because in time this 'pbaby in your belly will become your son who will smile lovingly at you and run to you for cuddles when he trip over and call mama in the night when he wakes from a bad dream. You WILL love him. It will just take time.

[Bluemonkeyspots]

Why is it always boys that people are disappointed with? You never hear of people being sad they are having little girls.

I have four girls and really don't get the big deal about having girls at all, obviously I love them all to bits and could not imagine them being any different than the lovely gorgeous happy little people they are but that's because they are mine and dh's children not because they are girls rather than boys.

Plus as someone up thread said its amazing how 4dc of the same sex with the same parents and upbringing can be so wildly different.

[TimidLivid]

I had this and was upset as dc2 was a girl as I had a horrible relationship with my mum and didn't want that and as I am not girly. She was wonderful then I cried that dc3 wasn't a girl and I was getting ds1 again who was difficult but I adored. There is no sense to it but the sad feeling is terrible. But babies are lovely I loved them both so much. And ds2 is like DS1 he's worse if u will but I completely adore him he fills me up. I know how sad u get but as times passes I don't feel it anymore and hopefully it will be that way for you.

[Ipp3]

I think fantasising about your perfect child often leads to disappointment. Children are their own people. You might have had a tomboy girl, not a princess's one who wanted pamper time with you. My goddaughter vehemently hates all things girly! My little boy is certainly not the contented baby I imagined but I don't love him the less for it.

[WinkyWinkola]

Wise words, TalkativeJim. And you do being up interesting points.

I really dislike the pov that I've had it very much harder than you so stop feeling the way you do.

Yes, disappointment over the sex of your baby is perhaps indulgent.

But it exists and in order to mitigate any long term effects, it's often better to air these feelings on MN without the simplistic "Oh get over it." That is a bullshit response. And not helpful.

[harryhausen]

BlueMonkeyspots, I have heard people say they really want boys. A few women in my antenatal class were very vocal about it.
My dsis had 3 girls. She was told repeatedly on the birth of her 3rd girl how 'disappointing ' it must be. Her Dmil has never quite got over it.

All her girls are older now. All amazing girls and couldn't be more different.

I don't really understand it all either.

[EldritchCleavage]

I am sorry you're struggling with this. All I can say is, imagine a different way of doing things. You don't have to do the conventional 'boy' things, and don't let yourself be the odd one out in your family.

Your boys will love and adore their mummy and be happy to do things that are more your bag. It's partly about making fewer assumptions based on gender, but also partly about asserting yourself within the family.

[WinkyWinkola]

Most of my friends wanted and got boys. A couple of them said they remembered how vile they were as teens and didn't want to live that with dds. And another one said she had always admired her older brother and his friends and wanted that in her life.

All still fantasy stuff but I certainly don't think women just want girls at all.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Yams - no we're not particularly wealthy, distinctly average actually.

Still think its interesting how people firmly believe having children is purely the woman's choice ie 'don't have one if you wouldn't be happy either way'. In a situation like mine there are 3 options: 1)divorce husband you love very much 2)no child, husband loses a life dream & key priority 3)have child and accept whatever you get / having a child when you wouldn't otherwise. I decided that I'd rather compromise and I repeat yet again - I WILL love my baby. There's no question of that. We've got a perfectly good home life to offer the baby. I just need time to 'grieve' and get my head round this for the next 20 weeks until he's actually here in front of me.

Of course i know how lucky I am baby's healthy. Despite my gender feelings, I still lay there with baited breath throughout the scan that anything was wrong, especially when i had to go for a walk so they could check his heart again - that was far and away the most important thing. But it can't change my feelings, however much I don't want to have them.

I think some other posters have explained it much better than me. It's NOT all purely about pink, sparkles and shopping - that's just part of the fantasy I created that is now gone. It's about feeling I identify more with girls, and not feeling so left out in a house full of boys when I don't enjoy all the things they do. Of course I take an interest. Of course I adore my son/s...but you can't force yourself to connect if you don't. It's even partially at a silly level that I had a name we really loved. & every single time I see a little girl or am in the girls clothes sections in shops I feel a 'pang': I can't help that.

There have been a few really helpful suggestions on here. Im going to have a 4d scan. Im going to try visualisation. I'm going to get all DS' old clothes out and sort through them to remind me how cute they were. & I'm trying to persuade DH to let me name DS2 after my beloved dad who died as this would mean the world to me but at the moment he's having none of it people at work are really helping too - they know me well & know these feelings are unlike me. I just can't help it but it will pass.

[BoyMeetsWorld]

Also thanks for the great post from the poster who suggested alternative boys toys ie Tree Fu Tom and shops etc. this was always my plan with DS but despite efforts he's never been interested in anything but swords, guns, ninjas and trains: possibly because both his dad and my DH are very blokey blokes who definitely encourage him to be like that

[chocolatecrispies]

I have a little boy whose favourite colors are pink and yellow, who loves nice clothes and having his nails painted and whose favourite thing to do is dance and put on shows. He has always loved sparkly things and chooses pink options if given the choice. I give him the choice. I do know where you are coming from but please don't restrict your child's chance to express their individuality because of their gender - life is too short. If you like pink, buy pink!

[yamsareyammy]

My own disappointment lasted all of 30 minutes. [had girls later on]
For me it was about I now had a lovely baby person, full of possibilities, not a baby gender iykwim.
And I am naturally inquisitive, so I thought, ok, now I am going to learn a lot more about the world of boys and men. No bad thing, imo.

Maybe part of the problem, for you personally is, that the men in your family sort of take over?

You may yet get a girl btw.

[Phantomteadrinker]

I have 2 very different boys and, I'm ashamed to say massively shocked myself as i had similar feelings when I found out I was having a boy, not so much because he was a boy but because I wanted a little girl as well if that makes sense. I didn't expect those feelings and I was pretty disgusted with myself but couldn't help it at the same time. But, I had a word with myself and reminded myself that I was incredibly lucky to be having a beautiful healthy baby and that I had no right to be disappointed and rob my baby or myself of enjoying my pregnancy,planning and getting excited for his arrival.

From the minute ds2 was born, I've adored him and can honestly say that I've never ever had those feelings again and he is my beautiful, stroppy, funny little monkey who I wouldn't change for the world. The relationship 2 brothers have is really special, my 2 have the same age gap as yours (now 4 and 10mths) and I love watching them together with the littlest getting slightly more naughty every day and his hero worship of the biggest. its just the best and there is certainly nothing missing in our house, not really how a girl would fit in actually!

[EldritchCleavage]

his dad and my DH are very blokey blokes who definitely encourage him to be like that

Maybe this is partly then about the wider family dynamic? I do get that. I had DS then was worried about having a girl 2nd time around because of the bizarre girl-favouritism in DH's family (SIL is golden child, DH was quite badly bullied by family). I was also worried about having a boy, because PIL would be disappointed with another boy and would probably ignore him. In the end, I had a girl, MIL died and FIL ignores us all anyway. Ho hum.

It's understandable, but that is why you have to fight for your own space where you interact with them how you want. My sister has 2 boys and was very firm about not just being the person who did their laundry but also had fun with them, influenced them and was looked up to by them in the same way as their father. It's not about competing with your DH but having the status and influence with your kids that you want to have.

[pommedechocolat]

Hmm. When I found out dd2 was indeed dd2 I was a bit upset. I wanted one of each very much.

When I think about having a third I imagine a ds.

dd2 is amazing, I love her to bits, glad she's here. I would like a son though. For me dd2 hasnt taken away a desire for a son but it has become a separate subject to having a second child.

I am a bit jealous of friends with one of each (they're always the ones who say gender is unimportant...). I never tell anyone I feel like this, but dh and I both talk about wanting a son still.

Your emotions will calm down into something less raw and more bearable as you know. Just ride this out as best you can.

[SoupDragon]

Actually soupdragon I do know what an emotional response is

I suspect you misunderstood. I meant that it is a response that comes up and takes you by surprise - it's not expected and just how your emotions have manifested in the way that all emotions are unbidden. Not simply feeling distressed at a distressing situation.

So posts like the OPs really piss me off because she doesn't realise how fucking lucky she is when all she's complaining about is not being able to buy dresses and go to nail bars!

That's utter nonsense though. Leaving the OP out because I can't speak for her. I can say that I was well aware how "fucking lucky" I was to be having a child. I couldn't be certain he would be healthy as the late scan showed up a kidney problem but I still new how lucky I was. However, I was still upset he was a boy. Just like I was upset when DD spoilt my boy gang.

The point is, they were both passing emotional responses about children who would not exist (ie mythical girl and then mythical boy) and had no impact on what I felt for the actual child.

[SoupDragon]

Gender disappointment is only an issue when it carries on once the baby is born.

[SadPander]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I'm hoping for a boy myself (1st baby) and if at the scan it turns out to be a girl i think it will take some getting used to. However, I will get used to it and I'm sure I will be thrilled provided I have a happy, healthy baby. Perhaps you just need some time to imagine this baby as a boy and get used to the idea?

As others have said there was always a 50% chance this baby would be a boy, not very helpful to point out i know, but you can't have not considered that this might happen!