Comments about my DC and nappies

[Wetnappies]

I mentioned to my mum yesterday about how I can't believe I've got to hand in DD2's school application in a few months when she's just turned 3 in Aug. She used the opportunity to say how "worried" she is that she might be in nappies still. And will the school accept her if she is... I said that that was an overreaction and that it's nearly a whole year until she starts and I'm sure she'll get to grips with it soon.

She then added "Well DD1 is still in nappies at night and I just worry about them." I asked what is she worried about? She said she's worried about me being judged. She was offended when I said that I feel like she's the only one judging me; especially when no one probably knows that DD1 is in pull ups at night but her because it's not something that pops up in convo with others!

AIBU to feel really annoyed about her comments.

Just because my siblings and I were all out of nappies completely by age 3 doesn't mean that that is the norm and anything longer is "worrying" right?

[Grasspigeons]

Start at 2 finish at 3, start at 3 finish at 3. (Thats what my health visitor said)
The nightime thing - well as pp said, there is the hormone issue which is a big one, but that isnt actually the only reason for night wettting and i think people are waiting too late to investigate. One reason is sleeping too deeply and another is not drinking enough in the day. So when i finally got to the enurisis clinic we were given an alarm and told to remove the night nappy, and it worked in 3 nights, my best friend was given a chart and her child had to drink water (and remove night nappy) and that worked in a week. We'd both been holding off waiting for this hormone to kick in and our children actually had different issues that could have tackled earlier. The clinic nurse said doctors arent refering until 7 and that actually breaches NICE gudelines which was 5 or 6. But 4.5 is still very young so i'd not worry just yet.

[Wetnappies]

Nappy off first thing. Potty in living room and she's encouraged to use toilet. She likes sitting on them but doesn't really go. It's only when she's been sitting on it for ages that she does use it. I work three days a week and more often than not I pick her up from preschool and she's had to have a clothes change because she's had an accident.

On my two days off we usually head out in the morning which is usually fine because I give her a while to use the toilet before we go and also because she's not a big morning drinker so doesn't really need to go during the couple of hours that we're out iyswim. I think preschool aren't giving her enough time to go and so I'm really hoping that when she has two weeks off this month we can crack it once and for all.

I just felt my mother's comments were dramatic when she's already making progress, even if it does take a while.

I should have been clearer in my initial post about that.

As for DD2 I stop her having a drink a while before bed time and she uses the toilet before bed. It's not enough and maybe I should just whip away her nappy and hope for the best and accept some accidents. Admittedly I have been putting this off because I struggle to have a decent nights sleep as it is and the thought of having to get up to change pjs and sheets in the middle of the night, or to wake her and take her to the toilet, knowing I'll be wide awake afterwards isn't very appealing! But I guess I just need to do it rather than waiting for signs that she'll be "ready when she's ready".

[Karwomannghia]

If you have free weekends I would stay in all weekend and make sure she gets on a potty regularly and every single time she starts to wee even if you only catch the last second. Sounds like she needs the input of training not just nappies off and hope for the best.

[Karwomannghia]

Agreed you mum’s comments are unhelpful. Try not to take them personally and just say oh I’m sorry you feel like that, try not to worry mum!

[SoyDora]

Start at 2 finish at 3, start at 3 finish at 3. (Thats what my health visitor said)

Well with DD1 we started at 2, finished at 2 and 2 weeks. DD2 started at 20 months, finished by 20 months and 3 days! Neither have had an accident since. What do you know, they’re all different!

Having said that, it’s irrelevant to the OP when my children were toilet trained, as they are all different. I do think 3 is the late side, but if it’s not clicking then it’s not clicking. I do recommend the ‘Oh Crap!’ book though, it really worked for us.
Night time dryness is a different issue. Both mine were dry at night before 2.5, but both have plenty of friends who are still in pull ups at night (they’re 5 and 4 now).

[Spinderellacutituponetime]

The best advice I was ever given was tackle the nighttime at the same time as you are potty training through the day. Both mine were dry in a week, day and night, but you have to bite the bullet and be prepared for lots of bed changing...

[Sparrowlegs248]

@Spinderellacutituponetime Ds1 was dry in the day in 2 days, and dry at night within about a week although I hadn't expected it at night and had carried on using nappies. I stopped them at night after about 3 weeks of dryness. He was dry at night for over 6 months, then started wetting occasionally. It got worse, and he's back in pull ups now as I found it exhausting having to get up in the middle of the night. I'm not sure what the best way forward is really, I put it down to tiredness to start and he us tired having started school this year at only just 4. But his pull up is wet every day, he doesn't ever wake for a wee. I'm not sure whether to take them off and hope he starts waking, maybe he's aware he can wee in the pull up?

[TheJoxter]

Start at 2 finish at 3, start at 3 finish at 3. (Thats what my health visitor said)

With my second I started at 18 months finished at 19 months.

With my first I started at 2, ‘finished’ just before 3, but he had regular accidents til he was almost 6 and still wets the bed sometimes at almost 8

[TheJoxter]

My point being that all kids are different! One day it will just ‘click’ and she’ll get it.

[fartingrainbows]

I find the whole toilet training discussion baffling. Any other "skill" that children are late to learn EG walking, sleeping, making friends, writing their name..... people are full of sympathy and "she'll do it in her own time op" comments. But toilet training, if your kid can't grasp this is time then you're automatically a bad parent who isn't even trying.
My ds has always struggled in this area and at 7 is still a little bit unreliable in this area. We've read the books, made endless food/drink/toilet diaries, met the professionals tried every trick recommended and it's still an uphill battle.
Op, try not to let people's comments (especially your mum's) put too much pressure on you both. Stay calm, keep working on it and she will improve by the time she starts school. If she doesn't then you'll go in and explain where you're up to and they'll work with you for the best outcome if your child.

[HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall]

Start at 2 finish at 3, start at 3 finish at 3. (Thats what my health visitor said)

I started at 18&21 months, I finished at 18&21 months. Except overnight where both were 2yrs3 months..

[Grasspigeons]

I think my health visitor was just trying to make me feel better!

[Wetnappies]

Grasspigeons

[onlyoneoftheregimentinstep]

In my experience trying too soon just drags out the process. When my DC were small we were advised to start at age two - it took us months of hard work and very frequent 'accidents'. My DGD was just over three when potty training started and was reliably clean and dry within days.

[BeanBag7]

Any other "skill" that children are late to learn EG walking, sleeping, making friends, writing their name..... people are full of sympathy and "she'll do it in her own time op" comments. But toilet training, if your kid can't grasp this is time then you're automatically a bad parent who isn't even trying.

I disagree. I said I would judge someone whose child wasn't trained by age 3, because they hadn't even tried to potty train them. If they have tried and failed, then fair enough perhaps the child wasnt ready. I would also judge someone whose child couldn't write their name, if their parents had never attempted to help or teach them to do so. Just saying "they aren't ready" without actually trying at that age just seems lazy to me.

[AMAM8916]

My son will be 3 in a few weeks and is in nappy pants and not being toilet trained as the paediatrician said not to start yet as he's non verbal (being assessed for ASC).



He currently attends playgroup 2 hours a morning 4 days a week and until recently, never needed changed there as he was changed right before he went and after he got back and never pooped there. Now he is pooping there most sessions! So they have to change them but it's not an issue.



He starts school nursery in January which will be 3 hours every afternoon. We've been told he will definitely be main stream but may need 'assistance', especially at first as he can't talk.



Will the nursery really be ok with him being in nappy pants? They will most likely need to change him each day as it's 3 hours and right after lunch time so he's likely to poop/pee a lot, well pee enough to need changed. I will of course change him right before we leave the house to head there.


The paediatrician said really not to worry about and it would be 'pointless' to try and get a child to understand using a potty or toilet when he can't talk or ask questions or really 100% understand (there's some understanding issues as well). He can walk, eat, play etc totally fine. He understands tig and tag, hide and seek etc, it's really his speech and language that is an issue as he socialises and plays with other kids totally fine. He has some sensory issues but not many.



Sorry to high jack but will I be judged do you think? To the OP, I wouldn't judge as I know how you feel totally

[Wetnappies]

That's ok AMAM8916

I'm not sure what the school nursery policies are but if they require non nappy wearers then perhaps you could get a supporting doctor's note from the paediatrician to inform them?

[AMAM8916]

Thanks wetnappies. We have to sign off for a child psychologist to observe him at playgroup and in a few speech therapy sessions and from what I understand, this person will relay to the nursery what his needs are? Then the nursery will have the choice if they can accommodate him or not. The pediatrician said that she has seen quite a few children going through the same process as my DS, some with higher needs and the nursery he is going to has always accepted them bar two children that were very low functioning. She said my DS is high functioning and will be mainstream from what she can tell at the moment.



We're still at that stage of 'does he doesn't he' have additional needs as to me, he seems to just have a speech delay but the paediatrician thinks he does have a high functioning type of ASC (previously called aspergers) but she doesn't want to jump the gun and wait until he has been through speech therapy and has settled into nursery before giving a formal diagnosis.



I'm just dreading that whole thing of she's a lazy parent. I think NT or not, a child in nappies at 3 isn't a big deal. Some kids walk at 10 months (my son did) and others at 18 months. Some talk at 18 months, others at 2 and a half. There's a scale and I think these days, being dry in the day by 4 seems to be the acceptance. Being dry at night can sometimes take a lot longer. I think I just need to not be bothered by it and you too OP. Hard when it's your own mum though

[LauraMipsum]

AMAM8916 honestly don't worry about it. My DD has ASD and has really struggled to toilet train. At nursery they were fine with her in pull ups. She's in night nappies and is wearing thick training pants to school - the school have been very sensitive about changing her when she has frequent accidents and we are discussing going back to pull ups as she still has no idea when she needs to wee. The school will be ok with that if she needs them.

I'd query what your paediatrician said about it being pointless to try though, if he can follow games and so on. I know non-verbal children with ASD who are much better with self-care (toileting / hand washing / dressing) than DD who is entirely verbal but has serious sensory differences.

[somanyquestions19]

Most schools/nurseries now are very flexible. They're not going to stop a child attending if they're struggling with toilet training.

My daughter is also an August baby and she started nursery at school just after her third birthday. She was out of nappies (just) but went through bags of clothes a day as she wouldn't go to the toilet.

I was beside myself and the school called me in to discuss it. The top and bottom of it was that it turned out she was not the only one by a long shot. You can't force them and no school will say they can't attend.

What happens if they're wetting themselves until they're 10! Are they going to say that have to stay home until then.

Honestly don't worry, it'll all come good in the end.