Why do i feel like this?

[Chrisii1991]

Last week i gave birth to a beautiful and healthy baby girl who i have wanted for so long but i do not feel happy. I feel i cannot bond with her even though i love her so much. I had a difficult la st couple of months of pregnancy where i was in pain where she had engaged. Labour was also traumatic. I had the bloody show on the 4th march then soon after i was having constant contractions. I visited the hospital 3 times because i could not sit or lie down due to the pain. Whenever i went to the toilet i wanted to push what i thought was poo but actually was my baby. The hospital gave me different pai n killers and none worked. I went for four days with no sleep. On the 9th in the early hours my waters finally broke. I was finally admitted given pethodone and put on antibiotics for strep b. By 8am the contractions grew even stronger and 11:53 am she was born. But i had to be cut because i had grown exhausted a nd she distressed. I lost 1.2 litres of blood but i had a healthy daughter that i knew i wanted. We had to stay in until the next day because of the strep and my iron levels. But when we got home i felt so useless. I could not do much because of the soreness and hemoroid i also have.I feel robbed of those early bonding moments that her dad has had. I keep crying and want to run away.Why is this happening??

[SparkleUK]

Hope you're doing okay OP.

I had baby 5 weeks ago and I felt horrendous from days after birth once the adrenaline went away and the lack of sleep/my partner having to go back to work 3 days after birth hit. Its something you should get told far more about! I couldn't BF either and had the hospital wanting to keep me in so they could watch me but were never there which stressed me out even more.

I knew I adored my baby but constantly panicked to the point I'd done something in my novice FTM state that would hurt him, that would circle into hurtful thoughts like I must be so rubbish and days where I'd literally just cry all day from feeling overwhelmed and scared. I never thought I'd get to a point where I'd feel normal again and dreaded having the thought of each day as the sole carer for him without OH to help. I'd literally cry and beg him not to go to work when really, that rationally wasn't an option!

Basically, you're not alone in feeling this way. Please be kind to yourself and remember, your life has not been the same for 9 months, if not before and won't be again (in the best way). You've gone through a trauma which, whilst giving you an amazing gift, needs time to process and heal from. I'm only now starting to feel myself so please don't rush to think you should feel a certain way and please speak to your MW etc if you feel you can.

[Lizzieee2727]

Sorry hadn't finished.
It got to the point where I realised I really wasn't bonding with my daughter and it felt more like I was babysitting not looking after OUR child. Culminating in floods of tears at lidl, my husband made an appointment with the GP and I'm now on setraline. I spoke to the health visitor too and she was really helpful too.
Baby is now 3 months old and things are getting better, it's still hard and I still get peed off at adverts with lovely births and happy breastfeeding but I have to keep telling myself that she is fed and happy which is the main thing. The early stage is HARD and you really need to be kind to yourself. All the feelings you have I think are completely normal after what you've gone through. Please talk to people you trust, there is help out there and you will feel better. X

[Lizzieee2727]

I genuinely feel for you. I had a frankly awful time too but things are getting better.

I had a crappy pregnancy and had SPD from 24 weeks, late GD diagnosis and multiple bouts of low movements. I ended up being admitted at 37+4 to be induced with pessaries but owing to a tilted cervix it literally felt like her whole arm was up there. 4 pessaries later I had no dilation but 3 days of contractions so ended up with a C section which I really didn't want. The section took 5 attempts at a spinal before one worked.
All this meant that I was completely out of it when she was born and couldn't hold her for 3 hours or so and didn't get the proper skin to skin contact as my right arm was numb from trying to get cannulas in.
I desperately wanted to breastfeed and like you think my large boobs had something to do with the struggles latching (38JJ/K) and once my milk started to come in, there just wasn't enough and I was heartbroken seeing her trying to latch on.
I felt massively cheated by the whole thing. I was desperate to be pregnant and was actually looking forward to the labour process. Then with breastfeeding, it was something on my terms and could do the best for my daughter but it just didn't work. I genuinely feel frightened about ever falling pregnant again.

[Noneedtocry]

Just wanted to come on here and say "hang in there". Post birth is an absolute shit show that no one tells you about. Life changes completely, tons of hormones flying around and often significant physical issues from the birth. I felt the same after both of mine, the difference with number 2 was I "knew" everything was fine, but the hormones still threw me way off kilter.

Don't worry about the bonding experiences you feel you have missed either. You're going to be there, again and again, taking care of your little one in the coming months and years - tough, tiring but magical. Be kind to yourself and don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help.

[Chrisii1991]

And the breastfeeding did not work out due to my breasts being too large, another bonding activity i have been denied.