Unhappy about Dd fasting for lent

[JamNittyGritty]

Dd 13, has recently become interested in religion and has decided she is Christian / Catholic. Rest of us are not religious.

i have been trying to be supportive, bought her a bible, talked openly etc.

However she has now decided to fast for lent, not just give up something like most do, but fully fast except for water from sunrise to sunset. I have explained that it’s not necessary and many people choose to give something up and full fast is not required as an expression of faith, but she is adamant.

I am really uncomfortable with this - first she’s only 13, she small and slim and can’t afford to lose weight, she went through a phase of highly restrictive eating / eating disorder about a year ago that lasted a few months and i just think kids need to eat! She is currently on her period and I know in Islam women don’t fast during Ramadan on their period but she’s still going to fast.

Am I being unsupportive and unreasonable? Can anyone who is Christian please help me guide her / share info that I can discuss with her so that she does a less restrictive fast?

I am really quite stressed about this!

[TheProvincialLady]

This is eating disorder and not Christianity. You need to tackle it as such. I’m really sorry.

[Sarah28x]

I wouldn't like it either considering she's had issues with food and eating in the past, you're not unreasonable

[Sarah28x]

@TheProvincialLady

This is eating disorder and not Christianity. You need to tackle it as such. I’m really sorry.

I agree with this!

[Winterstormm]

It sounds like she never recovered from her eating disorder and fasting for Lent is an excuse. Please take her back to the psych.

[Newyearoldhair]

I am Catholic and concur that there is absolutely no reason to fast. Gently, I think your daughter is using this to hide disordered eating.

[ElevenSeven]

@Sarah28x

I agree with this!

Thirded. This is the kind of excuse I used to use.

[Sodndashitall]

Do you know if she's part of a group or if there's someone supporting this religious interest? Because it's very unlikely that she'll take religious advice from you given you are not. You need to see if you can get the leader or priest etc to tell her that this is not necessary or advisable.
And as you know this is absolutely not advisable for her given her history.

[BananaSpanner]

Agree with all the other posts and it sounds like she needs specialist MH support. In the interim though could you enlist the help of the church and ask a local priest to talk to her about why fasting is not necessary. Although her ED is real, her faith might be also and could be a support.

[TheProvincialLady]

Sorry, posted before I meant to.

I am Christian and have never heard of anyone doing anything like this. There is certainly no requirement or encouragement. Most Anglicans I know will give up sugar or alcohol or social media or something else for Lent, or else will take up a practice eg more prayer, bible reading, volunteering or something like that.

Fasting according to Islamic practice because of a desire - whether admitted or not - to lose weight or punish one self has nothing to do with Christianity and is the very opposite of the intention of Lent. I have a long history of eating disorders and have had to give up giving up things for Lent precisely because of this.

[JamNittyGritty]

Thank you for your replies. I have been very open with herabout my concern about this being a part of her eating disorder. She refutes this (as she would).

She did have therapy at the time of the eating disorder and has for the last 6 months eaten really normally and well. Now she is fasting she is getting up and eating first thing (this morning has had two slices of thick toast, a full fat yoghurt, fruit) and ate a full dinner plus snacks last night.

In the end I can’t physically force her to eat and as I am not religious she doesn’t give much weight to my telling her a full fast is not necessary.
Hence looking for anything I can use to help her see. Or maybe I should be focusing more on her understanding it’s a part of her disordered eating?

[JamNittyGritty]

@Sodndashitall

Do you know if she's part of a group or if there's someone supporting this religious interest? Because it's very unlikely that she'll take religious advice from you given you are not. You need to see if you can get the leader or priest etc to tell her that this is not necessary or advisable.
And as you know this is absolutely not advisable for her given her history.

Not part of a group but she has a friend at school who is catholic and I am sure lots of social media around this.

Great suggestion about talking to a priest / vocation and asking them to talk to get. Will see if I can contact any from local churches. Thank you

[HellersK]

Absolutely talk to a priest. There are rules around fasting, a minimum
age of 14 I think depending on the decisions of the bishops in various countries. Also only Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are fast days, the other days of Lent are days of abstainace (abstaining from whatever you are giving up, chocolate, etc) not a strict fast.

[Sodndashitall]

So if she's fasting, I'd add in a protein smoothie in the morning or eggs on the toast. She really needs more protein daily and there's not much in the breakfast. If she struggles with quantity then put the fruit and yoghurt in a smoothie and add either protein powder or some peanut butter.
I am no expert on eating disorders but was brought up Catholic and never heard of this level of abstinence for Lent. Wikipedia has a good bit of info on this
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fasting_and_abstinence_in_the_Catholic_Church#:~:text=On%20Ash%20Wednesday%2C%20Good%20Friday%2C%20and%20all%20Fridays%20of%20Lent,to%20usually%20a%20medical%20reason.

[erinaceus]

I think it might be helpful to have a three-way meeting with her, you and a religious leader - I would caution against her meeting with the priest alone for this because I suspect an eating disorder mindset might twist the conversation.

If she has a friend who is Catholic, you could ask the friend’s parents how approachable their priest is, or whether there is someone else in the church who could help e.g. a youth worker or other leader. I am mindful you might feel more comfortable talking with a woman. You could get in touch, explain the situation, and ask whether he would have a pastoral conversation with the three of you.

Alternatively her school is likely to know of a priest (either Catholic or Anglican) locally with whom they have some sort of connection.

I am a Christian and had an eating disorder as a teen (although I wasn’t a practicing Christian back then) and this definitely sounds more eating disorder than religious. I would clamp down on it hard so that the thoughts and behaviours do not entrench themselves. I wouldn’t even entertain a milder version of fasting, there are other Lenten practices which make more sense (read a book written for this time of the year a common one, or donate to charity).

[Winterstormm]

@JamNittyGritty

Thank you for your replies. I have been very open with herabout my concern about this being a part of her eating disorder. She refutes this (as she would).

She did have therapy at the time of the eating disorder and has for the last 6 months eaten really normally and well. Now she is fasting she is getting up and eating first thing (this morning has had two slices of thick toast, a full fat yoghurt, fruit) and ate a full dinner plus snacks last night.

In the end I can’t physically force her to eat and as I am not religious she doesn’t give much weight to my telling her a full fast is not necessary.
Hence looking for anything I can use to help her see. Or maybe I should be focusing more on her understanding it’s a part of her disordered eating?

That doesn't sound like enough calories for a 13 year old, especially an underweight one. Depends on how large the dinner portion was. Has her period returned and is it regular? If not then that's a sign that she isn't well (although you can be anorexic and still get your period).

Maybe she could have a high calorie protein shake (see link) but don't show her the calories. If she refuses then she's probably panicking about calories and still has an ED. Maybe numbers 1, 5, 7, 9.

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/protein-shake-weight-gain#1.-Chocolate-peanut-butter-shake-with-Greek-yogurt

[JamNittyGritty]

Thanks all, I have found a church not too far away with a female rector (who looks young and smiley) so have emailed to see if they can help.

Have also tried talking to dd again about my concerns, apparently 4 of her friends are doing it too. She is very annoyed at me for expressing my worries and by my reasoning. She is probably also going to be annoyed at me contacting the church!

[JanglyBeads]

I'd guess eating disorder helplines would have experience with this kind of scenarios, try ringing one for advice? Or their websites.

[MissyB1]

@JamNittyGritty

Thanks all, I have found a church not too far away with a female rector (who looks young and smiley) so have emailed to see if they can help.

Have also tried talking to dd again about my concerns, apparently 4 of her friends are doing it too. She is very annoyed at me for expressing my worries and by my reasoning. She is probably also going to be annoyed at me contacting the church!

4 of her friends are doing it too? Aaah peer pressure may be a part of this then. They will be competitive about it, teen girls can be very competitive about what they eat and amounts of food. I work in schools sadly this kind of pressure around food is common.

[pyrocantha]

@HellersK

Absolutely talk to a priest. There are rules around fasting, a minimum
age of 14 I think depending on the decisions of the bishops in various countries. Also only Ash Wednesday and Good Friday are fast days, the other days of Lent are days of abstainace (abstaining from whatever you are giving up, chocolate, etc) not a strict fast.

Edited

And even then I think that you get Sundays "off" from the abstinence

[Namechangedasouting987]

Hi OP
My DD is a recovered AN sufferer and I am afraid all the 'professional' advice in the world won't make one iota of difference. My DD was convinced she had to over exercise and cut down on food for her sport. I got her in front of her coach, the physio at her club and school PE teachers who all said she didn't need to do as much as she was (and who were also woefully under prepared to deal with a teen with ED and so actually in part validated her restrictive eating (as they deemed it 'healthy')). Despite all the professional advice about the extra training not being necessary she ignored it.
Because its nothing to do with that and all to do with the ED.
I would be so wary going down the vicar route.
And yes actually you can and must 'physically' force her to eat. She is essentially missing a meal and prob 2 snacks a day. So she is under eating and will be losing weight. Also going more than 4 hours without food as an AN sufferer is shown to exacerbate the disease. We were always told DD had to eat at least 4 hourly in a day.
Please sit her down and explain that what she is proposing is dangerous and that as her mother you cannot agree to it. Then if you believe she will not eat in school take her out until she does.
You can join the teen ED thread which is full.of very knowledgeable people who will help you het her to eat etc. Look on ED board. I think they are on thread 11 and they will welcome you.
And btw protein is not so much the issue. Energy is. Any calories. Wherever they come from. And in whatever form.
And talk to school safeguarding officer if 4 girls are involved. I am also a Christian and fasting for lent is not a thing.

[PurBal]

Children shouldn’t be fasting.

[Meshka]

I'm catholic

When getting my ashes yesterday the priest was VERY CLEAR about fasting

In his eyes therefore the church viewpoint is it's about maybe skipping a meal, breakfast OR lunch OR dinner and donating that money to charity

Or simply eat a bit less...still have your meals but not gluttony


This is starving herself it's not what the church has asked at all,

[BonzoGates]

Sorry to hear this OP and hope you get through to her somehow. Lent is not about starving yourself.

[whyhere]

@JamNittyGritty

Thanks all, I have found a church not too far away with a female rector (who looks young and smiley) so have emailed to see if they can help.

Have also tried talking to dd again about my concerns, apparently 4 of her friends are doing it too. She is very annoyed at me for expressing my worries and by my reasoning. She is probably also going to be annoyed at me contacting the church!

I doubt that this will convince your daughter, sadly, as if the incumbent is female it is not a Roman Catholic church!

[WaitingForMojo]

This Is definitely ED.

Tell her this: someone with an ED history is exempt from fasting. That is because it is taking her further from God, not closer. She needs to choose something non food related otherwise the devil will use this to damage her relationship with God.

Fastibg is about denying ourselves something we rely on in order to bring our reliance back to God. This is doing the opposite.

I appreciate that this probably isn’t what you believe, but as a Catholic argument it works.