To not tell my family I'm cohabitating

[aroomofherown]

I'm 41 and never married. Six months ago I met a fabulous man and have just shacked up with him. I live abroad from my very conservative religious family, and I don't want to tell them that I'm 'living in sin', seeing as they don't actually need to know.
However, I hate lying and would rather live honestly. He problem is that my parents and most of my siblings will heartily disapprove, and there will be grave disappointment and even tears as they believe this decision is a sign that I've rejected God and will therefore go to hell. I have a strong aversion to my family's strict religion because of the mental and moral control they had over me all my childhood (and clearly still do).

I love this guy, but am torn up in guilt. Am I being unreasonable?

[NonnoMum]

Best of luck! Enjoy your life.
I'm sure you are a lovely, liberated good person no matter what your family may say. Just remember that.

Oh - and if they want to go all Biblical on you, do the women in your family always cover their hair? (just an example of how God's rules and regulations as laid down in the the Bible have been reinterpreted and adapt with life as we continue to go forward as a society...) And you are going forward by making your own decisions about your adult relationship...

[aroomofherown]

NonnoMum thank you.

I love that example you gave of interpreting Scripture to suit you. Especially as they are fundamentalists and wouldn't think for a minute that that's what they are doing - but you are right, that's exactly what they are doing.

I'm having a lot of fun since I have accepted this might mean estrangement (at least temporarily) from my family

[NonnoMum]

all the best...

[OliviaMMumsnet]

Hello OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread out of AIBU into relationships or indeed philosophy/religion
Best of luck with it all
Thanks
MNHQ

[CookieB]

You are 41. Enjoy your life however you see fit! I am 29 and had to remind my dm of this fact considering Im a mum of two now.

[OliviaMMumsnet]

We've moved this for you OP

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, I'm afraid that you can't make your family happy. All you can do is be true to yourself. Tell them, it may be uncomfortable for a while. They might cut you off.

Either way, you will be freer than you are now to enjoy your relationship and your life.

[aroomofherown]

Thank you Olivia

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

The thread has landed!

It sounds like you are in a really difficult place. The culture clash between your family abroad and the culture here is a tricky one to navigate and religion is part of that, but probably not all. I hope some of the lovely posters in this part of mumsnet can offer you their wisdom.

[Branleuse]

its none of their business.
they dont need to know, and you arent hurting anyone. x

[specialsubject]

their religion only makes them unhappy. No reason it should make you unhappy too.

tell them if you want, but if there's no need, don't bother.

[aroomofherown]

So now my aunty is trying to get hold of me and I'm avoiding her calls. She is very religious and believes his told her not to marry a non Christian or she would never have a relationship with God. I really love her but she preaches at me every time she talks to me and although she doesn't know about my relationship, I feel it is going to become awkward.

Would appreciate any advice from Christians, or people married to a Christian.

[aroomofherown]

God, not his

[DioneTheDiabolist]

OP, what are you avoiding by not talking to your aunt? Are you avoiding talking about religion or your partner?

[aroomofherown]

That's a good question. I think I'm avoiding hearing the religious stuff because it makes me feel incredibly guilty for having my relationship. I wouldn't have the guts to tell her about my relationship - at this stage at least.

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

The religious stuff is complicated but the bit about Christians marrying non Chrisitans comes down to a verse in the second letter of Paul to the Corinthians 'Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers' (chapter 6 v 14 King James Version) but, if Paul meant for Christians not to marry Christians, he was blunt enough to say this. The unequally yoked is more nuanced and is aimed at the culture of the times. This doesn't stop people taking the verse to mean what they want it to mean.

Today in the UK you find Christians living with their partners before they get married and you find lots of marriages/partnerships where one partner is Christian and other is not. It is not the same culture as the one where your family lives which is as you say more conservative.

In the past it was marriage or ruin as women could not work and thus needed a husband to provide for her. Anyone who did not marry and shacked up with a man was either fast or putting herself in a great deal of danger as she had no security when she became pregnant or found herself seen as tainted goods having lost her virginity and no 'decent' man would marry her. These attitudes are a long time in dying out and it may be that this is what is at the heart of your aunt's concern or it could be that she is taking a literal view of the passage from 2 Corinthains. Or a mixture of the two. So I suspect that the religious and the socially conservative views are getting muddled up which doesn't really help I'm afraid. It sounds like they care but whether they can hear 'I'm in a relationship with a nice man, be happy for me' is something only you can judge and realistically it might take a bit of time.

[aroomofherown]

Thanks for your response. It definitely is due to the verse from Paul about being unequally yoked. But in the end it is largely about my family being culturally conservative as well as religiously and they hide behind the religious to support their own natural conservatism.

I think they are acting out of concern and care, but actually it comes across as controlling and dictatorial. My father has said things in the past like he would disown me if I ever played keyboard in a band (rock and roll music is of the devil), I can't study history or psychology as I'd be too influenced by liberal leftist academics and psych messes with your thinking and therefore is a risk to my faith etc - I can see how all of this is plain personal conservatism and not Chrisitianity but I know he'll cry when (if) he discovers that I'm in this relationship, because he's "worried about my salvation". Happiness comes second to God.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

What do you believe wrt your relationship and your salvation?

[thegreenheartofmanyroundabouts]

Wow that it is conservative. There might be a couple of Brethren groups in this country that are that conservative but it really is an exception here so I can see how big a culture clash you have going on.

The light in the fog is that he does care which is a foundation to build on. Prayers anyway [']

[HeadsDownThumbsUp]

I think I'm avoiding hearing the religious stuff because it makes me feel incredibly guilty for having my relationship.

Then you are avoiding it for a good reason. Trust your instincts.

I know he'll cry when (if) he discovers that I'm in this relationship, because he's "worried about my salvation

Then let him cry. You can't control other people's responses to your decisions, and you are not responsible for them.

[aroomofherown]

Wrt my salvation and this relationship I sometimes believe that this relationship means that I'll be turned from God forever, and sometimes I think it is just a good thing, and we will muddle our way to (or not) God together.

But frankly it would be hypocritical for a Christian to have a relationship with me as I am not a practising Christian anyway! But committing to a relationship seems to make my rebellion more 'set in stone', or confirmed, as though I'm closing that door forever.

Everything is so black and white according to my family.

[aroomofherown]

Heads down that's what I'm trying to reconcile. I've always felt emotionally responsible for my dad in particular so this feels like a mean thing to do. But I know I can never please him, because he is fundamentally unpleasantly in terms of morals.

[aroomofherown]

Gah, unpleasable, not unpleasantly

[MrsCosmopilite]

Surely the concept of partnership is older than the concept of christianity? How did people 'formalise' their relationships before the church got involved?
In your opinion, would the relationship be any different if you had made vows in a public place/before witnesses? You'd still be living together....

[HeadsDownThumbsUp]

I know. I can understand that it will feel like a mean thing to do. But you know that you're not doing anything deliberately to hurt him. If he will experience real difficulty in coming to terms with your choices there is very little you can do about that, except feel a bit sorry for him (you are allowed to feel sorry for him).

If you know that he is fundamentally unpleasable then you also know that there is little point in trying to please him.