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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you ever wish you had stuck with one child?

68 replies

OrmIrian · 07/01/2010 13:54

I do.

Don't misunderstand. I love all my DC equally and it isn't that I want my eldest child more than any of the others - it's the idea of just having one, rather than the idea of only having him iyswim. But I do look back with fondness at the times it was just him and me. When he was little. And I often wonder what sort of relationship we'd have had -it's already very close but having other children around makes things fraught at times.

Life would have been so much calmer and easier - I seem to live in the centre of a maelstrom of noise and chaos. Nothing is straightforward and I feel we have all missed out on the calm space of a one-to-one relationship.

Does anyone else understand that at all.

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bellissima · 08/01/2010 10:51

Am sometimes rather jealous of the mum of one (Italian - so not unusual) in DD2s class who can take her (and pay for!) all those activities/holidays/trips without having to drag along another reluctant child or put up with squabbling all holidays (and snow days). It is HARD having two - from the moment DC2 is born and you can't just sleep when the baby sleeps, to the point when, as a friend told me years before I had children "Every day can be a re-enactment of the Lord of the Flies"! On the other hand they are upstairs now entertaining each other so I can come on here (before the squabbling starts) and they do love each other - some of the time!

ToffeeCrumble · 08/01/2010 11:09

Yes I do know what you mean. I don't regret having my second, because i wanted the eldest to have a sib and obviously can't imagine not having the younger one now she is here, but i look back on my 2.9 years with the eldest with such fondness. It was an idyllic time really. She was a very easy, lovely baby and toddler. The younger one was a nightmare baby and having her had such a huge impact on everything and spoiled things tbh. It was so stressful and yes, much more chaos and fighting now. But then I would have been sad not to have had 2 kids and i hope they will appreciate each other as they grow older, even if they do annoy each other silly a lot of the time at present!

nickytwotimes · 08/01/2010 11:17

I am expecting number 2 ad still swithering about whether it was the right thing or not.

I dread him/her coming along tbh.

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MegBusset · 08/01/2010 11:20

No, not for a single second (have 2.10yo and 8mo). I did give a lot of thought to having no.2 but ultimately broodiness took over and I'm so glad it did. I still find a bit of one-on-one time when DS1 is at preschool or DS2 is napping, but imo as important now is the time they play together. I think long-term I would have found the only child/parent relationship a bit too intense.

Of course it is harder to get out and about with two but I keep telling myself that in two years it will be easier.

Still, DS1 was my nightmare non-sleeping, colicky, refluxy baby and DS2 has been a doddle, maybe if it had been the other way round I'd feel differently!

NOT having any more though!!

GingerbreadFolk · 08/01/2010 11:22

I only have one and have no plans for more at the moment. DD is 2.7 and I adore parenting more and more as time goes on. The idea of returning to nappies and constant feeding makes my blood run cold.

From an emotional point of view, I am firm on not having another but there's the rational and practical side of me that just doesn't know. I am still bfing dd so I think I'm more attached to her as a 'baby' who needs me iyswim. I haven't let go of her babyhood yet. I also have PTSD following the birth and know logically that this must inform my feelings.

There are three things that could and may induce me to have another. DH wants one (a big consideration). DD would probably benefit from a sibling. And I worry about when dd is grown up, she would feel perhaps a sole responsibility for us with no sibling to share it with.

I know this isn't what you asked OP, but I know a couple of people in rl who think they perhaps should have stopped at one (though they wouldn't go back given the choice now they have the others iyswim) and it makes me wonder if my desire to have an only is actually okay and I can be a 'better' parent this way.

I certainly couldn't have more feeling as anti as I do atm, or I'd be wracked with guilt.

Mellin · 08/01/2010 11:39

My very wise MIL (who has two sons) told me that when her sons were babies, having two seemed too many. But now that are grown up, two children doesn't seem like enough!

It is hard when they are young, but tis for such a short period of time in the scheme of things.

For most of your life as a parent your children will be independant and have their own lives and interests. Having a bigger family means that as you get older, you will be able to share the joy of three lives, rather than one.

quixote · 08/01/2010 11:41

only when i want some sleep and to be able to simply walk out the door without locating buggy, nappies, change of clothes etc etc etc....

Original poster

OrmIrian · 08/01/2010 11:43

mellin - my eldest is 13 so not babies by any means. And I do love watching the interaction between the 3 of them (when they aren't bashing lumps out of each other).

OP posts:

honeynutloops · 08/01/2010 11:51

Never for a second! I have three dd's aged 7,5 and 1. They can be full on but I never even considered stopping at one. I love the chaos (most of the time) and the older two are best friends. The little one adores her big sisters and is never bored. I think that it would be a nightmare with school shut and one bored child at home. We are contemplating dc4!!

I always wanted to have a big family with people coming and going and big family meals and I am so lucky that we can do it!

Pitchounette · 08/01/2010 12:04

Message withdrawn

Clayhead · 08/01/2010 12:16

No! Mine are 6 and 8 and play together loads. They squabble a bit too but nothing too much. I can't imagine just the one but dd was only 20 months when ds was born so I feel like we've always been the three of us (dh works away loads).

In fact, if one of them is out, I hate how quiet the house is!

peskykitty · 08/01/2010 12:16

Orm, have definitely felt like this at times. Have a 9 year old DS and 6 year old DTD's and often remember when it was 'just the two of us'...just me and my boy.

I absolutely love my DTD's, would not and could not be without them but it doesn't stop me thinking how things would be if I only had the one.

Having 3 is hard...especially as I'm a single parent.

The one thing that pulls me out of it is this. One of the reasons I wanted a sibling for my DS is because I am an only child myself. Although it didn't bother me much as a kid, I found that into my teens, twenties, now even, I so wish I had a brother or sister, someone who 'shares' my history, someone I can reminisce(sp?) with about the past, someone who 'gets me' and has been where I have been, someone who can validate things.

It is the future I think about, the fact they will all have each other, hopefully they will lean on each other in times of troubles etc, there will be no pressure on just the one to deal with it all, like there was with me.

I also think of all the aunts, uncles, cousins, grandchildren etc that will be created by my having 3 children....and it gives me a warm glow .

HTH

Original poster

OrmIrian · 08/01/2010 12:24

"someone who 'shares' my history,"

I agree with that pesky. Now my parents are getting older I can see a day when there is only DB who can remember things that I can. A bit chunk of my life that no-one else experienced.

OP posts:

sandyballs · 08/01/2010 12:28

We thought we would have only one but it turned out not to be an option as first pregnancy was twins. Big shock but wouldn't change it for the world now when I see them playing together and looking out for each other at school.

Sukie1971 · 08/01/2010 12:29

From someone who has been unable to fall pregnant a 2nd time, I feel upset that any of you could feel that way when there are lots of people like me who would do anything for another child, or indeed a child of their own at all.
Children are a blessing, and I'd give anything not to have a quiet life

Original poster

OrmIrian · 08/01/2010 12:31

Sorry you are upset sukey

OP posts:

fillybuster · 08/01/2010 12:36

Never. Honestly. Even though it was theoretically 'easier' with just 1, I actually find life calmer and more fun with 2 (and am looking forward to number 3 arriving in June). They keep each other amused, which means a lot less demands for me to drop everything and play all the time and its been good for ds to learn to share etc. He has been much much happier since dd was born 2 years ago, and now they find it hysterical when they can gang up and get into trouble together. DS, in particular, is incredibly excited about dc3 and that there will be a) more children than grownups and b) he will have someone else to boss around

PacificDogwood · 08/01/2010 12:47

No, I never wished I'd stuck with one when I think about my general idea of what kind of a family I would like to have.

However, there are situations I would happily part company with one or the other of my darling DSs... Having time with only one of them is special and precious and with increasing number of children harder of course.
It is the interaction between them that I cherish when I see them together, and like you said, OrmIrian, the joint history they are going to have. I have clear memories of my brother and I having a feeling of "them" against "us" when one or the other of us was told off for something/not allowed something/generally felt unfairly treated .

Sukie, I am very sorry the 2nd child has not happened for you - yet, I hope.

TheRoyalty · 08/01/2010 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

peskykitty · 08/01/2010 13:00

Sukie, of course, you are so right. So sorry you you are feeling upset by this thread.

All children are blessings. I will never, ever take that for granted.

I count myself lucky every day and realise how blessed and priveliged I am to have 3 wonderful, healthy children.

It does not stop me, though, from wondering, thinking aloud and pondering on the what ifs of life, all aspects, not just the children, the what might have beens, the what could have beens and so on.

Orm, since my mum died end of 2007, I really feel strongly about that aspect. I now have nobody on earth who I can relive my memories with, who experienced my growing up with me.

StarExpat · 08/01/2010 13:10

DS is 15 months. I'm staying with one. There are many reasons. Terrified of giving birth again is one. But financial reasons is a big one. . If DH and/or I start earning more money (both teachers) and can sell our 1 bed flat and buy a bigger place and ds is in school and not needing childcare anymore... maybe we could consider it (but even then, I'd have to be promised a c section- I know every birth is different, but I cannot go through it again).

StarExpat · 08/01/2010 13:16

"financial reasons is a big one".... My apologies for the poor grammar I give myself an F for the day... I'm on snow day 3 anyway

chopsache · 08/01/2010 13:35

I have 3 kids - DD1 (4) & DTs (19 months). I do think my life has been much more difficult since I had the twins. Getting out of the house and doing ordinary things becomes nigh on impossible with the 3 of them. Plus the twins seem to need me nearly all the time at the mo, so I feel guilty about not doing enough with my eldest.

However, in answer to your question Orm, I definitely would not have stopped at 1. I love them all so much and, playing the long game, I hope (I'm not completely deluded am I?) that they will be good company for each other when they are older.

dollyparting · 08/01/2010 13:46

for Sukie. But this is the wonderfulness of mn. Nowhere else can we share the kind of thoughts that are on here. Honest, raw and controversial.

Before I had any dc, I was planning on 5 - the wonderful, chaotic happy family life [fantasy emoticon]. Reality then hit: pregnancy - awful; birth - traumatic; early weeks - devastating; sleep deprivation - unimaginably awful. It took 3 years before I would even consider another child, and then some time before it happened.

Then exdh and I split up. God, I wish I'd stuck with one.

Then teenage years with dd1 (nightmare) and it was fabulous to have dd2 who was a bundle of delightful, skipping, smiling energy. Kept us sane and gave all of us something to live for in the dark moments.

To those of you who are contemplating another dc, I'd say: there is no perfect number, and no perfect age gap. Whatever you have will have pro's and con's. Don't beat yourself up about it. One is fine. Two are fine..... Six are fine.. Just know that occasionally it will be the wrong number or the wrong gap.

BristolIrishGirl · 08/01/2010 14:08

DD1 is 3y 4 m and DD2 is 14m and we want to have another one, hopefully with the same sort of age gap.

They have now started to play with each other and really interact. Both DH and I work full time so life is busy and chaotic and I am fairly knackered most of the time.

But never for a second do I regret having more than one. DD2 is a complete pleasure and has if anything made us even more of a complete family than anything else.

I come from a family of five children and again, although it was chaos, it's great to have siblings, especially when you are older and I don't feel that I have missed out.

But I agree with DollyParting - every situation will have it's pros and cons - you just need to decide which situation is the best for you.

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