Do you ever wish you had stuck with one child?

[OrmIrian]

I do.

Don't misunderstand. I love all my DC equally and it isn't that I want my eldest child more than any of the others - it's the idea of just having one, rather than the idea of only having him iyswim. But I do look back with fondness at the times it was just him and me. When he was little. And I often wonder what sort of relationship we'd have had -it's already very close but having other children around makes things fraught at times.

Life would have been so much calmer and easier - I seem to live in the centre of a maelstrom of noise and chaos. Nothing is straightforward and I feel we have all missed out on the calm space of a one-to-one relationship.

Does anyone else understand that at all.

[cory]

Not in my case. Dc1 has a tendency to fill the horizon anyway: occasionally I do need a break from the intensity of it all. Dc 2 is a welcome distraction.

[Millie3030]

I feel exactly the same, not sure whether to have another. The constant to and fro in my mind drives me crazy!

I constantly think -
• I would want them to be able to play with each other so maybe there shouldn't be a big age gap?
• But if the first one was in nursery/school I would have more time to give the new baby.
• what about bedtime with two kids, bathing and stories how do you be in two places at once?
• What if I had twins?!
• On trips out, husband and I would have 1 child each to look after, so does that mean less hubby/wifey time and conversations? Where as if you only have one do you have more time with your DH?
•. When one goes down for a sleep/nap the other one may be awake and wanting to play, so how do you get a little tea break - ever??

I wish I had a crystal ball..... X

[toomuchtooold]

I had twins by IVF after recurrent miscarriage that was caused by a chromosomal abnormality that I inherited from my mother, and was the cause of her recurrent miscarriage and the reason I have no brothers or sisters. So it's fair to say I was pretty pleased to have the two girls, but even for me I really appreciate the times I get with them one to one. When DD2 was ill with a chest infection in November she basically slept on me for three days and although of course she remembers nothing about it, for me I felt so much closer to her after that.

[findingherfeet]

My second child is only a month old (so I'm still hormonal and emotional) but so far I love having two. My daughter has (and still is) the light of mine and husbands life, total PFB, in a way I think having a sibling puts less focus and pressure on her and I think she will benefit from this (she's only two and a half right now but I mean as she grows and learns to share etc) husband and I were surprised to find we love our little boy so much and so easily, it hasn't taken away from our girl, it's just different.

2nd time round, I'm less anxious/stressed/overwhelmed and can just enjoy my baby.

My daughter is so gorgeously affectionate and happy to have a brother it melts my heart. When other children go to look at him, she's straight there announcing 'that's MY brother' and this too makes me feel we've made the right decision because we are all benefitting from his arrival. Gush gush.

However, I'm glad I didn't leave it much later, birth/breastfeeding and sleepless nights are relatively fresh in my mind so it's not such a shock to the system to be back in baby mode....but man it sure is tiring! And just when I'd got back to having some me time, I fear now with two I'll never go out again!!

[nldm1]

No. Our two DC are 18 months apart in age and we are very fortunate that they (mostly) get on very well and care for each other dearly.
I can't imagine having denied our DS the relationship he has with his sister and all that her being here has added to our joy and contentment.
Personally, we would love to have three but have been very cruly denied that oppertunity so far having had two devasting losses. We have hopes of a rainbow for the future, but either way, I think we'll always feel that the more children we have, the more joy, love and fun we also have.

[glastocat]

New mum, can I ask why you would rather have had none than one? Seems odd to me ( but then it would as I am a (happy) only with a happy only!

[glastocat]

I stuck at one and I'm very glad I did, we are a very happy little family. I was very ill with my first pregnancy and birth and while I could have had more children I decided not to risk it. I am also an only child, although I was never lonely, I loved it, and my son says he does too. It does make life easier and cheaper in some ways, we emigrated last year which was hugely expensive, not sure we could have managed it with more children.

[imip]

newmum dh was really resistant to dd4. He wanted to stop at three. It was with some convincing that we decided to have her. I was four months off 40 and I said we would try for four months and thankfully I fell pregnant before that time.

I was extremely morning sick (no different to other pregnancies). At times he got pissed off with me for getting 'my way'. And while generally supportive, work was a huge pressure for him and sometimes I did wonder what I had done. Also after the birth, when it all got too much, he'd have a whinge.

This stopped after about six months. He dotes on dd4, loves her to pieces. She is def our last, and I feel quite sad now passing on the baby things to new family's and seeing our babies all grow up. He is also quite sad and emotional about it.

He says he agreed to dd4 because he knows it would have had a detrimental impact on our marriage, something we may never recover from. He was right. And a couple of years on, with the hard work done, it was the right thing to do.

If I understand your post and dd1 is only 6 months, maybe the baby haze is still there and you may need to sit a few months to broach the topic again???

[imip]

I have 4 dds born within 5 years and 2 months. My eldest daughter was stillborn 11 months before my first surviving dd1 came along. I fell pregnant after infertility and was told after my first child died that I may never have another child. I may fall pregnant, but I may always have very premature babies who didnt survive.

Living that life of the 'next' pregnancy to me was pure torment, not knowing if I'd ever have a family. Having only one child never entered my stream of consciousness. As soon as dd1 was here, safe and healthy; my focus was on getting pregnant again. There is a 19, 20 and 22 month gap between my girls.

It's only in the past year or so that I wonder what life would have been like with only 1. Dd1 is a delightful child, very clingy, very different to all my other dds. But I remember that moment when the older child started interacting with their next sibling - it starts at around 6 months when they start smiling and laughing at them; and it is just bliss!

I must admit, as someone upthread mentioned, having a 'larger family' to me never meant how many babies I had, but more how many children I wanted when I was older. It is much harder work than I ever imagined. I am a sahm, so sacrificed a lot to stay home at them. i had a decent career. When I think of the baby years over and of them as adults, for me, I couldn't imagine having stopped at one....

[Newmum0113]

I'm sitting here crying my eyes out as I read this. I want another so badly (not right away!) but DH refuses to discuss anymore we always talked about several, agreed on 2 (I wanted more) but after dd born (6mth) he said no more.

I haven't told anyone in RL but I had a miscarriage at 9-10 weeks in January and it has left me feeling empty inside.

I never wanted an only child - tbh I would rather have had none than only one. I just worry that if I 'get my way' it will be a complete disaster, he'll resent the new baby and hate me, and maybe even leave me.

I am currently enjoying tearing my hair out on sleepless night number 12, thinking that I don't like this bit but it's the company they'll have together later that matters.

What do I do?

[lottieandmia]

No, never. I was a lonely only. I am very glad I had three and they are good company.

[Sukie1971]

Im sorry if you've misinterpreted my thread pooexplosions But I dont think I told anyone else how to feel, instead I was stating how I feel.
Im sorry if it came across that way, that was not how it was meant. Sorry if unintended offence was caused.

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

sukie

we are really not wishing away our younger children, truly we're not

This discussion is v interesting

[BendyBob]

I struggled with 3 under 3yrs. I felt I was drowning.

But now they're older it's excellent and I'm glad we did it. I was an only child and my dc have much more fun together than I did alone.

[FimbleHobbs]

I love having 2 DC. I do enjoy having one to one time with them though. Then I feel a bit guilty when they are reunited as they definately prefer each other's company to mine!!!

[pooexplosions]

Thats sad for you Sukie, but it doesn't mean the feelings of others are not valid also, you don't get to tell other people how they should feel.

I never felt like that when I had 2, but I've thought it quite a lot now I have 3. I'm finding it very very hard and think how easy my life would be with one. I wouldn't give them back for anything, but its so bloody hard lately. Mine are 5, 2 and 14 weeks and I feel my life is about juggling and compromise at the moment, and there isn't enough to go around. That said, they all adore each other and are wonderful children and I can't wait until they are a little older and they are thier own ready made gang....

[cory]

Not sure tbh. I look at my brother's and SIL's relationship to my nephew who is an only, and it seems quite a different relationship, more intense, more like three grownups together. I can see that it has its own charm and no doubt if that had been the card I had been handed I could have been very happy. But as things are I'm not sure I would be prepared to give up the less stable, more fluctuating, less ordered life that you get with more than one child in the family. My SIl cares intensely about every little aspect of my nephew's life, sometimes to the point where he has to ward her off; I have to spread myself more thinly, which can be a bit of a blessing. Though two children needing the wheelchair at the same time is a pain.

[ihearthuckabees]

dollyparting speaks sense.
And Sukie, I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me. I used to get very annoyed with a friend of mine who always went on about how great it was that her 3 kids were so close in age, and how she'd planned it that way so that they would be close. (She did this knowing that I was trying for no.2 without success!). Her 3 seem to constantly knock lumps out of each other (and everyone else) and are a total handful - it's difficult to not think 'serves you right' sometimes. That sounds awful doesn't it?
We all have days full of regret, and days when we're relieved about how life's turned out. I have more of the latter now that I'm a few years on from finding out my DS would (barring a miracle) stay an only.
(Sorry if this is a bit of a hijack)

[BristolIrishGirl]

DD1 is 3y 4 m and DD2 is 14m and we want to have another one, hopefully with the same sort of age gap.

They have now started to play with each other and really interact. Both DH and I work full time so life is busy and chaotic and I am fairly knackered most of the time.

But never for a second do I regret having more than one. DD2 is a complete pleasure and has if anything made us even more of a complete family than anything else.

I come from a family of five children and again, although it was chaos, it's great to have siblings, especially when you are older and I don't feel that I have missed out.

But I agree with DollyParting - every situation will have it's pros and cons - you just need to decide which situation is the best for you.

[dollyparting]

for Sukie. But this is the wonderfulness of mn. Nowhere else can we share the kind of thoughts that are on here. Honest, raw and controversial.

Before I had any dc, I was planning on 5 - the wonderful, chaotic happy family life [fantasy emoticon]. Reality then hit: pregnancy - awful; birth - traumatic; early weeks - devastating; sleep deprivation - unimaginably awful. It took 3 years before I would even consider another child, and then some time before it happened.

Then exdh and I split up. God, I wish I'd stuck with one.

Then teenage years with dd1 (nightmare) and it was fabulous to have dd2 who was a bundle of delightful, skipping, smiling energy. Kept us sane and gave all of us something to live for in the dark moments.

To those of you who are contemplating another dc, I'd say: there is no perfect number, and no perfect age gap. Whatever you have will have pro's and con's. Don't beat yourself up about it. One is fine. Two are fine..... Six are fine.. Just know that occasionally it will be the wrong number or the wrong gap.

[chopsache]

I have 3 kids - DD1 (4) & DTs (19 months). I do think my life has been much more difficult since I had the twins. Getting out of the house and doing ordinary things becomes nigh on impossible with the 3 of them. Plus the twins seem to need me nearly all the time at the mo, so I feel guilty about not doing enough with my eldest.

However, in answer to your question Orm, I definitely would not have stopped at 1. I love them all so much and, playing the long game, I hope (I'm not completely deluded am I?) that they will be good company for each other when they are older.

[StarExpat]

"financial reasons is a big one".... My apologies for the poor grammar I give myself an F for the day... I'm on snow day 3 anyway

[StarExpat]

DS is 15 months. I'm staying with one. There are many reasons. Terrified of giving birth again is one. But financial reasons is a big one. . If DH and/or I start earning more money (both teachers) and can sell our 1 bed flat and buy a bigger place and ds is in school and not needing childcare anymore... maybe we could consider it (but even then, I'd have to be promised a c section- I know every birth is different, but I cannot go through it again).

[peskykitty]

Sukie, of course, you are so right. So sorry you you are feeling upset by this thread.

All children are blessings. I will never, ever take that for granted.

I count myself lucky every day and realise how blessed and priveliged I am to have 3 wonderful, healthy children.

It does not stop me, though, from wondering, thinking aloud and pondering on the what ifs of life, all aspects, not just the children, the what might have beens, the what could have beens and so on.

Orm, since my mum died end of 2007, I really feel strongly about that aspect. I now have nobody on earth who I can relive my memories with, who experienced my growing up with me.