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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

How to cope with my family member who thinks having one child is akin to having none?

26 replies

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 12:47

When this family member had one child, she had said child looked after by GP's from Friday night to Saturday night and many a visit was spent by me sympathising with her many difficulties with the child - feeding, sleeping, behaviour etc etc etc

Now I have one child and this family member has two, and she has completely and utterly forgotten how hard she found having one

Can I just say at this point that I totally agree that having one child is easier in many ways than having two. Having two is more, and harder work and I have never said otherwise and never would.

But what can I do and say to this woman, who thinks I do no parenting because I only have one? She is at home 5 days and works 2 and was REALLY complaining about how she would cope with cleaning her house with only 3 days a week at home when the kids are out at school. I now work full time and was saying "Yes, I must admit it is hard to keep on top of the house and I find it really hard having no time at all to do it except weekends when we're all in" - this was met with a remark about "but I have to try and give quality time to TWO children"...

I just find this so frustrating. No matter what I say, it's dismissed because I only have one. I work full time and any tiredness or difficulties I have (such as getting ds taken care of when he's ill and still getting to work) are dismissed because I only have one to deal with and she has two

What can I say to her? Is there any point? Why do I let her opinions get to me? Is she being as annoying as I think she is?

I wonder if I give the impression that I don't understand how hard it is having two what can I say to make clear I do understand - but that doesn't mean that as a parent of one, you don't experience pretty much the same sort of issues?

OP posts:

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Porpoise · 15/02/2008 12:52

I don't know if there's anything you can say, really. She sounds like the sort who's convinced her lot is always worse than anybody else's.

I bet that, even if you had another child, her life would STILL be more difficult because her dcs were more challenging - or something.

colditz · 15/02/2008 12:53

I think, HG, that if you had two and she had one, having one would be so much harder because "at least when you have two they can play with each other"

She is one of those that has to win, full stop.

colditz · 15/02/2008 12:53

xpost porpoise!

scattyspice · 15/02/2008 12:54

Oh for heavens sake, some people just like a moan. In my experience two is easier than one as they play together. Thus freeing up time to read a mag clean the house.

I bet when hers are Teens she'll be saying how much harder Teens are compared to a younger child.

mumblechum · 15/02/2008 12:54

As Bob Marley used to say, "every man thinks his burden is the heaviest"

Ignore her.

thequietone · 15/02/2008 12:55

I know how you feel, but it's my MIL who does this. When I was having DS it was unwanted advice ALL the time. I'm having another baby but of course I'm completely naive, have no idea how to cope with having two etc etc. and whatever I say to sound like I feel confident, I get pushed down. I've now realised the only way this is ever going to stop is if I have more children than she had, and a girl (she had all boys). Sigh...

Twiglett · 15/02/2008 12:56

cock head sympathetically on one side, and say empathetically "yes, you've always found it so difficult having children haven't you? I'm so sorry, I wish there was something I could do help you enjoy it more"

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 12:56

oh thanks guys.

You know when someone goes on and on and you start to doubt yourself....

but god, what you say is SO true - if she had one and I had two, it WOULD be harder to have one - that is so true!!!!!

And yes, yes, if I had FIVE kids, her two would still be more challenging

You are starting to restore my sanity, thank you guys

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Twiglett · 15/02/2008 12:57

2 is easier than 1 in many respects btw

Porpoise · 15/02/2008 12:57

lol, Twiglet

gingerninja · 15/02/2008 12:57

I don't think there's any point trying to explain it, just sympathise and seek out other first timers to share your parenting woes with. My only local friend has two children and had totally forgotten how hard it was adjusting to this new way of life that she just kept saying, ah well wait until you have two. irritating. More annoying when you get the 'you won't care about that when it's your second' patronising nonsense.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 12:58

Twig, I like that

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cory · 15/02/2008 12:58

Ha, I had a friend like this. When I finally had my second, I thought I would have climbed into the league of "real parents". But of course, by that time, she'd had her third....

Just rest assured that if you had 15 children and she had 16, it wouldn't make any difference. She'd still have to win.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 13:00

Yes, I think having one can be a little labour-intensive as the child looks to you to be playmate as well as everything else.

Which I love, and wouldn't ever complain about (and wouldn't say to this family member in a million years!)

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HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 13:01

ok, this has been very calming - and thank you for quick responses! I will try to get a little more perspective on this woman.

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Lomond · 15/02/2008 13:07

Agree with what everyone else has said, you will never win with her!

IME adjusting to having two isn't as hard as becoming a parent for the first time so don't let her moans put you off from ever having any more

Fennel · 15/02/2008 13:08

I have 3 children but I still get comments like (from friend with 3 boys) "mothers of girls haven't really experienced parenthood" (she was joking, luckily, but she was quoting someone who thought it) and "oh but you've got girls of course it's not as hard for you" (those ones aren't joking.

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2008 13:13

haha I was going to say something very like twiglett
we are sister bitches
I would probably say something like : oh I am sorry you find it such a struggle
then change the subject

HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 13:17

Harpsi I am learning from you and Twig I will let you know how the ever-so-caring-but-bitchy approach goes

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NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 13:19

Don't waste anymore time. She is the strange one.

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 15/02/2008 13:20

When a friend and I talk about difficulties and I say I don't know how she manages the house being kept nice and working practically ful time she always reminds me she only has 1 child and I have 3!!

harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2008 14:19

I agree, actually, that two is often easier than one

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HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 14:32

well, sometimes that thought has crossed my mind harpsi, usually when i am careering round the house with a lightsabre having to act out VERBATIM (and woe bedide me if I get it wrong) certain scenes from Star Wars

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HonoriaGlossop · 15/02/2008 14:33

oops Betide, not bedide

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harpsichordcarrier · 15/02/2008 15:50

exactly
they will at least play together for a while, before they start killing each other

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