I really don't know what to do. I'm almost at my wit's end.
DS (9) keeps stealing sweets and savoury snacks. He then hides the evidence so we don't always discover if and when he's done it so he's self-rewarding (i.e. he gets away with it for some time until we've found the wrappers or realised it's gone missing). This has been going on and off for the best part of the last two years but more so this year.
What makes us despair is the sneakiness. He's incredibly creative in finding ways to get the stuff from cupboards. Doesn't matter how high or well hidden it is, he'll find it. I cannot watch him 24/7 as I work from home so sometimes I may be in a meeting or I'll need to cook dinner, feed the cat and dog or go to the loo. At this age, I shouldn't have to watch him 24/7.
He then hides it in his bedroom. Then he either eats it at night (so I worry about his teeth also) or he feigns excuses to go to his room and eats it then. Or he'll say he's going to the loo for a number two. The evidence is then disposed of in creative ways. I have found them under his bed, hidden under rarely worn clothes in his drawer, under the sofa, in the shoe cupboard, thrown outside the window into the back garden, kept in pockets then discreetly into the bin 😢. If we ask him if he's done it once we've found stuff missing, he will always admit it if that makes a difference.
To be really clear. We do not ban sweets and snacks in the house as we don't want them to become illicit. The kids do get them but we try to be balanced about it and they know the importance of eating healthily. This is not about having too much (we don't think it's a sugar addiction) or not having enough. The issue we feel is that DS has no impulse control. We have seen this sneakiness with other stuff that he wants, including the laptop (required for school) or he fixates on an idea and has to do it. It's just that sweets and snacks are the main focus now as the laptop now has the WiFi password disabled permanently.
It's having a detrimental impact on family life. DH and I are extremely frustrated with the sneakiness. His sibling also gets upset as he steals her stuff. When she's little sweets from end of term at school or from a party bag etc, she'll put it away in her tin to eat later but he has always found a way to find it and eat it only for it to be discovered missing days later. Recently, he opened a couple of doors from her advent calendar and ate the chocolate even though he has his own. He did this last year too. He also went through my bedside table and found a hidden bag of jelly beans which was part of his siblibg's birthday present and ate that. We realised as he dropped a jelly bean on the floor which we found. The empty packet still hasn't been found.
Things we have tried:
- he understands it's a poor choice and the consequences and impact on others. We talk about it a lot. He feels genuine remorse afterwards and often cries as he feels sad but I'm not sure if this is at being caught, remorse at his own behaviour or sad because I'm cross with him. He gets away with it enough that I think it's worth the risk in his head. I cannot weigh and stock check every food item in the cupboard nor do I want to.
- we don't keep lots of sweets in the house but like to think we're like most family households in this regard. We have snacks in the cupboard as the kids need to take their own snack to school for after school club. So we're talking things like oat biscuits, Ryvita bars, yoghurt bars or popcorn. He'll take these as well as savoury snacks (mini cheddars e.g.) as well as sweet stuff (mini celebrations, haribos etc) that we get from trick or treating, parties, school fairs etc.
- we have stopped buying as much but the kids still snacks for school and DH needs it for his packed lunch for work. Also, I'd rather DS not steal than completely deprive the entire household of any snacks in the house and I feel this wouldn't work anyway as it would make them illicit.
- we make it clear that he does get snacks/sweets when it's appropriate and as part of a healthy balanced meal. I should say that he's not hungry. He eats well otherwise and is at a perfect weight for his height. We also have a fruit bowl and a fridge full of fruit and Greek yoghurt which he's welcome to anytime if he wants a little snack) and he often likes a glass of milk as a snack. We know it isn't hunger motivated.
To avoid drip feeding, it is possible DS has ADHD. We are in the process of having him assessed but we are at the start of our journey. We have been he presents "flavours of ADHD and possible ODD" but he's possibly on the edge of the spectrum or very high functioning. He is bright (above average) but it isn't channelled in the right way (school frequently reports that he's bright but not engaged at all and doesn't listen, focus or try his best in lessons).
DH is at the point where he's exasperated but doesn't know what to say or do anymore as nothing makes a difference to DS. The behaviour continues. I worry a lot that DS will grow up and this will escalate to drinks, drugs and other anti social behaviour as he doesn't have self control. It's less the sweets but more the sneakiness and lack of impulse control we find frustrating and worrying. His sibling also gets quite stressed and upset because she's exactly the opposite (naturally compliant and all about doing the right thing) and feels he "gets away with it" all the time.
Please be gentle. We are at our wits end. Once Xmas is over we plan to stop buying any nice snacks at all in the house. Any sweets can be eaten there and then e.g. those they get from party bags, from school at the summer fair end of term etc. This isn't forever but I feel we need to set him up for success and see what happens when there's nothing at all to take. If we need snacks, I'll buy them on the go in single packets on the way to school and do it that way. To be clear, he would never steal from a shop and has never done this nor do I think he would ever do this. It's just in our house.
Does anyone have any advice? It makes me so upset this behaviour. We try our best as parents. We have routines, boundaries and communicate a lot with the kids. We are engaged etc so this isn't DS not being supervised. We have another child who is the exact opposite and we worry also as she's getting fed up with her brother's sneakiness and it's impacting their relationship (they don't get on as well as they used to in part because of this). We also get so cross and exasperated with him and I worry it's harming out relationship with DS. Nothing we have ever said or done seems to make a difference. As I said, once DS fixates on an idea he has to do it.
Or if anyone has ideas as to how we can reframe this in our minds so we don't get as frustrated with DS, that would also be helpful. We feel like the worst and most ineffective parents when he does this. DH doesn't but I feel a lot of guilt and anxiety that it must be because I'm doing a rubbish job though the logical part of me knows this can't be true. I just don't know how to approach this in a way that DS responds to.
