I just do not get this competitive parenting malarky

[Yorkshirepudding]

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[RosaTransylvania]

I am supportive
You are competitive
She is a momzilla

[moonstruck]

I agree with evenhope and Niecie - sometimes people think you are pushy when your child is just good at something. I have a friend who was always comparing my dd with her own as they were the same age. My dd just happened to talk really well at a very young age and this mum would make snidy comments to me as if i was constantly pushing her (prob did a bit- first child and all that). Luckily things calmed down when the girls got older, but then we had ds's at the same time, mine walked at 8 months and it all began again! you can end up playing down your dc's achievements so that you don't appear pushy but then I guess that's not the same as being competitive

[lljkk]

Mmmm... I wonder if sometimes people are too keen to "see" competitive parent when sometimes it's something else completely.... just being chatty when you ask other parents how their child did at SATs, or making sure I don't waste money on music lessons, wanting a child to progress at swimming for their own safety, etc.

Standing at the side of footie and screaming to tell your 7yo what to do until you're hoarse, that's probably excessive, admittedly.

[thebecster]

My parents never came to my parents evening when I was at school or read my school report, they just signed it without looking. I did really well at school and was always trying to get their approval for it, but they didn't care or see it as valuable. They valued other things. Unfortunately the things they valued were things I wasn't good at... My DS is only 16 mths but maybe when he's at school I get labelled as a 'pushy mum' because I'll be so keen for him to know that I value his achievements. I hope I never come out with something like the "props" BS though! Mind you, I'm quite awkward socially, so I can imagine saying something like that, then walking down the street kicking myself all the way home...

[paulaplumpbottom]

You may be right about the cakes but be careful. One snotty mummy claimed that I ouldn't have possibly made my dd's cake, but luckily I had the pics to prove it. Maybe its about making their kids party special not about being competitive

[miobombino]

The thing about ubercompetitive parents is, I find, that they are just so uncool, making everyone aware of their dc's latest triumph or ongoing genius.

I mean, a truly starry child will stand out regardless of what their parents do/say, given a minimal baseline of ordinary support.

[Elibean]

Proud Mummy boasts are one thing, competition is another, IMO.

I think it wouldn't occur to me to look, unless my LO was struggling and/or I'd heard other Mums comparing their kids' reading levels...then, my answer would probably be b) because I'd be anxious. Its all about anxiety, isn't it?

I don't feel at all competitive, generally, except when I'm in competitive company - then, tbh, I find its almost catching: v annoying

[Niecie]

So when does discussion become competition?As Evenhope says, if you child did something early or is very good at something, it doesn't matter if you just state the bare facts, somebody is going to take it the wrong way sometimes and assume you are bragging. But surely that becomes their problem, if they always want to be one better than you and your DC and can't simply accept their children for what they are.

I like discussing the achievements and failings of my children and other people's but I am not doing it see if I can give my children the advantage as such, it isn't a race for my children to beat other children at. It is just a case of me being interested in the way that children develop. Isn't that what Mumsnet is all about - sharing experiences? For example, if somebody can share with me a way of helping me teach my DC their times tables, I could take that as them bragging about their children being good at their tables or I could simply take it on board as useful advice.

I suppose it is often a question of perception. But then in other cases like, Morning Glory's cake example, where somebody is literally lying to look good then you have to ask what is the point? Why does it matter so much?

[Evenhope]

It's quite hard though if you have a baby who does stuff early. However much you try to play it down you can guarantee you are putting someone's nose out of joint.

DD1 crawled early, walked early and talked early. My "friend" couldn't help crowing when her DD (slower to do everything) was out of nappies at 2.5 and mine was still in them at over 3.

DS2 crawled backwards at 4 months and pulled himself up to stand at 5 months- it was awful!

Luckily DD2 seems to be quite average

[morningglory]

I'm willfully suppressing the urges to competitive parent because my mother was one, and it made my life miserable. I truly don't care how well my child does, as long as he tries.

However, I'm surrounded by competitive parents. It's not necessarily limited to bragging about what their kids are doing...in fact, most people don't really do this. I find the competition to be more subversive...example, birthday parties: some of the cakes which some mums claim to have made themselves are of such professional quality, that I sometimes have sniggering doubts that they really made them themselves.

[Niecie]

I would have a look. I know that my DS1 is trying hard at school but it is good if he is doing better than average. He has mild SN and some of the stuff at school is difficult for him. It is good for his self-esteem if he is a better reader than most of the class as he quite often says he is no good at anything and I like to be able to say that it isn't true.

That said I wouldn't then go to the other child's mother and strike up a conversation about reading just so I could let her know that my DS was better than hers. That is where the competition comes in. Competition is not the same as wanting my DS to do well at something for his sake.

[sugarplumfairy]

Did look once in book bag and the mother had written pages and pages in the reading record book which made me feel quite inadequate, she is very competitive and child is quite annoying, so I'm obviously nothing like them I was just being nosy. Have never done it again though.

[hellish]

feel bad now, nobody else would look!
BTW I wouldn't admit to looking in RL (so have still got friends).

[OrmIrian]

b I think. I would resist with every atom of my being. Mind you IME if a child is doing really well you'll normally hear about from mum anyway And if they are struggling you'll probably hear about how cr*p the school is. So it's probably safe to assume that if you don't know he/she is muddling around in the middle somewhere.

[Yorkshirepudding]

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[nimnom]

I am very competitive myself as is dh and ds1 and ds2 is shaping up that way too. However, when it comes to ds1 at school the only thing I'm interested is that he's trying his hardest. I don't care what reading level the rest of the class are on as long as he is progressing as he should be.

[newgirl]

i dont think im competitive because i KNOW my kids are the most intelligent, best looking, most popular!!

only joking

surely the really competitive parents dont have any friends left?!

[ChasingSquirrels]

not shocked by the thought i mean, just not interested enough to care.

[ChasingSquirrels]

e. wouldn't occur to me to look, but am not shocked by it.

[hellish]

a
I have to admit, that's exactly what I would do.

[seeker]

OK - this is the clincher.

You LO has a friend home for tea after school. They are safely out in the garden playing. The friend's book bag is on the kitchen table. Do you:

a. Have a look to see what reading level he's on

b. Think about doing a. but resist.

c. a. would never have occurred to you and you are genuinely shocked at the thought

d. a. would never have occurred to you, but now it has......?

[Yorkshirepudding]

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[ElenyaTuesday]

LOL, OrmIrian!!! Join the club!

[Yorkshirepudding]

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[OrmIrian]

If I'm honest I think I could be competitive if I had any material to work with ...