Giving advice to first time mother on Gina Ford routine and comforting

[speedymama]

My friend gave birth 12 days ago to her first baby. She had telephoned me for advice because like with all first time mothers, she wants to do her best.

The first issue is to do with getting the baby into a routine. She is trying to do the GF method but baby is still waking up at night for its feed (when she called me the baby was 8 days old). I told her that she needs to give it time and that it could take several weeks to establish a routine (it took me about 4 months with my twins).

Secondly, the baby is using her breast as a comforter. The baby tries to put her thumb in her mouth but always misses. The mother does not want baby to suck its thumb because she'll have trouble stopping when she is older. I told her that if that is the way the baby will receive its comfort, then let her suck her thumb and help her by putting her thumb in her mouth. DT1 is a thumb sucker and I use to put his thumb in his mouth when he could not do it.

This is the first time I have given advice to a RL new mother and I hope my advice will help her rather than create problems for her in the future. What do you think?

[goingfor3]

I realsie I sound as if I'm saying she doesn't love her baby which I'm not. she just sounds like a first time mum who hasn't got a clue and needs someone to show her what to do. With time and patience she will learn what her baby's crys mean.

[krang]

GF absolutely does not recommend any kind of cc for babies this young, nor does she say your baby should be sleeping through the night at 12 days. She emphasises that the routine is NOT about getting the baby to sleep through as soon as possible, it is about establishing sensible feed times and bed times so the baby doesn't get hungry or overtired and the mother has some time to sleep and rest. As I remember the routines (don't have the book to hand) you are more or less feeding three-hourly round the clock at this very young age. She should also be VERY sure that the baby is putting on weight - GF emphasises this before you start any routine.

I started the GF routines at two months and found them incredibly useful. I would not have found them useful at 12 days as I was a screeching wreck and felt I could do nothing right. My advice to your friend would be to put the books away for a few weeks, get to know her baby, feed and cuddle him loads, give him a dummy or his thumb if he wants and not to worry too much about the future. Good luck speedymama, you sound like you are being a good mate.

[foxybrown]

We've all been there - I think thats where GF book is great, it tells you exactly what to do like a manual, but IME I think you you need to work up to the full routine over time.

It does sound like she needs to go back to the book, she must've been wrecked by listening to her baby cry for that time, poor thing! Is she being hard on herself do you think?

[CatIsSleepy]

she definitely needs to go a bit easier on herself...and perhaps put the book away for a few weeks, she can always come back to it if she wants...

[speedymama]

My friend sounds as if she is trying too much too soon. I can't work out what help her mother has given. She has been reading a lot of books prior to the birth and I think she is trying to put too many things into practice too early.

Hopefully, my visit will help her to relax, to stop fretting and prompt her to get to know her baby before she worries about routines etc.

Thanks for all the advice and if you have anymore, it will be appreciated.

[Angeliz]

Leaving a 12 day old baby to cry for one and a half hours is disgraceful and wrong.
You should tell her that the baby will probably feed in the night for months because that's what they do! That's what they NEED to do.
I think you need to have a serious chat with her about what is best for the baby. As someone said, swaddling may help, dummy? or co-sleeping (which i adore).

Very very sad to read about someone letting a baby cry for that long. Poor baby!

[Mumpbump]

I would say the mother leaving a 12 day old baby to cry is misguided, not disgraceful or wrong! The poor mother is obviously misinformed about cc, but there is a lot of confusing information out there - which I why I would tend to agree with those who say throw away the books for the first few weeks at least!!

[foxybrown]

Agree with Cat, tell her to put the book ,away for a month and come back to it when they have gotten to know each other.

Its incredibly hard, we all want to do our best but the fact of the matter is, we don't have a clue! I remember so well how I felt first time. Tell her not to try too hard and there is lots of support for her on here! Good luck

[paulaplumpbottom]

At 12 days I would have thought she should still be feeding on demand. A schedule is too much whne they are so little

[Angeliz]

I would still say disgraceful and wrong.
I think some mothers have forgetten or are to scared to actually have any maternal instinct at all lest they stray from the rules of a book! I actually couldn't leave anyone elses baby to cry for an hour and a half let alone mine.
I'm not perfect by any means but i have strong views in this one. I hope she changes for the baby's sake and hers. Her life will be so nicer shen she adpts to the baby rather than the other way round.

[speedymama]

I must admit I was left speechless when she told me that she had left the baby crying for 1.5hours. It would have been longer but she could not take it anymore.

I think saying it is disgraceful and wrong is rather harsh because like all of us, she is new to this and has imbibed so much informatin, I don't think she knows whether she is going or coming, especially as she is sleep deprived.

She is an intelliegent woman (degree and Msc in Biochemistry) but I think she needs to trust her instincts more and realise that babies do not follow rule books.

[CatIsSleepy]

and is she is obviously desperate for a routine! do you think she is panicking now that if she doesn't instil it right away then it will never come? then maybe you can set her mind at rest that the first few weeks are always mad but things will settle down and she can try for a routine when the baby's a bit bigger.

[foxybrown]

I don't think she should be judged, but obviously she needs help (as we all do). Not everyone trusts their instincts, there's a lot of information to take on and pressure to do things a certain way.

You often have to learn to trust your instincts, and it might not come naturally to have the courage of your convictions. Encourage her to do that and reinforce it. She's lucky to have a good friend to help her.

[Angeliz]

just to calrfy, i wouldn't tell her that it's disgraceful as that would probably stress her more. I did suggest a few things further down (dummy and swaddling) i didn't come on here just to judge. Just saddens me to hear fo babies crying.

[Angeliz]

clarify

[amateurarsedoctor]

Poor little baby. That's very sad. Poor Mummy to come think of it. She obviously needs lots of guidance.

I think far too much emphasis is put on what various "gurus" and books say we must do to achieve a happy baby. No one seems to listen to the baby anymore. A large dose of common sense wouldn't go amis here.

Can she speak to her midwife/Health Visitor?
Her own Mum perhaps? Unless she comes from the "your going to ruin that child" camp of child care too!

[Blu]

Swaddling helps (some babies) because they have no control over waving thier arms about and are not used to being so mobile(having been squashed up 'in utero', and they actually wake themselves up.

She won't leave her baby to cry for 1.5 hours between now an Thursday, will she? It sounds as if she definitely needs someone to tell her it's ok to go with the flow.

If she's into books, do you know if she has read Penelope leach? Who is good on what newborns ned and why - imo!

But do tell her asap that neither cc ,nor sleeping through the night, are expected at this early age, even in TCLBB!

[speedymama]

I appeciate your advice Angeliz.

[speedymama]

I did ask about midwives/HV but she is not receiving much support. For example, nobody has shown her how to breastfeed. She says that she knows she is doing it correctly because she read it in a book.

[Angeliz]

[Sakura]

Yes, I agree with Angeliz. You couldnt listen to a <span class="italic">neighbours baby cry for an hour and a half without getting upset, but to be able to listen to your own baby do that!?! I just dont understand. Thats not misguided, its just plain weird. <span class="italic">How?</span> <span class="italic">Why?</span>. Again, I dont understand.

[Sakura]

Okay, I just read the previous post saying that shes not getting much support. Well that puts a different slant on the whole thing. That means shes desperate and probably depressed? THat would explain how she could leave her baby. In the first post it sounded like she was just doing it to get teh baby in a routine because the book said so.
ANyway, for what my advice is worth, please tell her to forget about the books because they dont fit babies anyway, especially if youre breastfeeding. Well done her for establishing breastfeeding by herself though!

[speedymama]

I'm worried about PND setting in if she does not get more support. I don't think her mother has been round yet. It is her first grandchild!

[CatIsSleepy]

your poor friend, she definitely needs some help. any particular reason why her mother hasn't been over? do they not get on? (sorry if I sound horribly nosy). my mother stayed for 3 weeks after dd was born and although i came close to throttling her a few times (and so did dh) she also was a tremendous help and i was really grateful to her.

[speedymama]

No they do get on so I'm confused.