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Parenting

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Original poster

why do people expect new mothers to DO anything at all in those first few fragile weeks?

86 replies

oranges · 19/06/2007 14:21

There have been a lot of threads about whether new mothers should drive, sail yachts, receive unwanted visitors, go to supermarkets, and I just don't get why someone who has had a baby can do exactly what she feels like, till the lochia dries up, breastfeeding is established, stiches heal and she gets a few hours unbroken sleep. It may be unfair, irrational, or hurt some feelings but to be honest, so what?

OP posts:

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Set a reminder

mistypeaks · 19/06/2007 14:45

A mw said something similar at parentcraft (so long ago . . . it seemed simpler then!!) "There are no medals for doing everything, we don't keep score. And by the way if you keep a stiff upper lip have a natural birth without pain relief we don't say ooh clever girl and produce a better, cuter etc baby!!!" She was ace. Sadly she wasn't there at the actual birth.

Booboobedoo · 19/06/2007 14:55

Bobsyouruncle: I probably think that because my BF (lovely though she is) is a Competetive Parent, and breezily says things like 'newborns are easy' and 'I reckon it only takes a few days to recover from birth'.

I love her very much, but reading the above, it's hitting home just how aggravating she can be!

Anyway, I agree with the OP.

Original poster

oranges · 19/06/2007 14:56

I think in the normal world, people forget how horrendous those first few months are, which is why mother in laws, who MUST have had children themselves, can be so thoughtless. But here on mumsnet we just keep on reminding each other.

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redtoenails · 19/06/2007 14:58

when my mum had me and my sister in the early 70s you stayed in hospital for a week!

NineUnlikelyTales · 19/06/2007 15:00

The NHS conspires too. How many bloody appointments was I scheduled to go to in the first couple of weeks after DS was born? About 100, it felt like. I had only just got out of hospital, having been there for 2 weeks, when the first ones came in...for a week hence. Bah.

MerryMarigold · 19/06/2007 15:00

oh gosh, being on a ward with other screaming babies for a whole week would be enough to do you in for a month afterwards!

jinxed · 19/06/2007 15:03

My grandmother was mortified I was up and about and doing things within 12 hours of DD1 being born, kept saying how she was on complete bed-rest in hospital when she had my mum and aunt.

Admittedly, i didnt do much for the first 2 weeks, but went for a walk each day and helped around the house.

My mum then died when Jessica was 2 weeks old so was running around like a headless chicken, didnt affect me physically, but emotionally i was a wreck. Ended up on Antidepressants and didnt bond as well with DD1 as I have with DD2

MerryMarigold · 19/06/2007 15:03

Very true NUT. I had to go to A & E for my ds a week after he was born (and only 3 days after I was out of hospital) followed by a trip to the maternity ward to have my third degree stitches re-stitched! Well, we were hanging around for ages, and I ended up crying, tears just rolling down my face couldn't stop them, it was horrendous and very embarassing.

Original poster

oranges · 19/06/2007 15:03

My mother cried when she came to visit a few hours after I gave birth and saw I was expected to manage alone on the post natal ward with no overnight visitors and one incredibly bad tempered midwife for 12 women.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 19/06/2007 15:05

I blame, in my case, Sheila Kitzinger. That's right, the Birth Guru herself. Because it says in her pregnancy book how oh lots of women - the ones for whom birth has been this fabulous sex-type event, I assume - are up and about straight away and oh the six week check is just an arbitrary one set by Evil Male Doctors and so on and so forth...

...so when I was lying there, flattened as by a steamroller after a vicious last-minute episiotomy and ventouse I realised that, yet again, I'd failed.

Oblomov · 19/06/2007 15:14

I never felt presurrised to do anything. I felt proud to answer the door in my dressing gown - yes, that's why I am called Oblomov) with my hair in a state. Who gives a sh*t. Not me.

bumperlicious · 19/06/2007 15:36

Can someone have this conversation with my mother?!

Though, the mw said at antenatal classes if she comes round and we are dressed and in full make up she is going to be more worried than if she comes round at 2pm and we are still in bed!

Enid · 19/06/2007 15:40

agree oranges

bobsyouruncle · 19/06/2007 16:15

Oh people definitely forget how hard it is, it must be nature's way of ensuring we have more babies...

kels666 · 19/06/2007 17:18

Depends on the delivery though. with my second I left hospital immediately and had a house full of guests. Didn't bother me in the slightest as I had no after affects whatsoever. If there had been a field to plough, I'm sure I could've managed! My first labour was a different story

TrinityRhino · 19/06/2007 17:20

I nbever stopped after having Gecko, I was doing the school run the next day with (26 hours after delivery)

now 4 and 1/2 months later I feel like I have been run over by a bus

goingfor3 · 19/06/2007 17:20

With DD2 I got back into my normal routine within a few days. I didn't feel the need to do nothing. It does depend on your delivery and also what sort of person you are.

MaloryTowers · 19/06/2007 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 19/06/2007 17:28

They expect them to because there's a pretence abroad that having a new born baby in the house is very nearly the same as not having one.

Pruners · 19/06/2007 17:31

Message withdrawn

suedonim · 19/06/2007 17:34

Totally agree with you, Oranges. Imo, a bit of 'mothering the mother' doesn't go amiss. When I had my last baby, 9 yrs after the previous dd, I was horrified to read in the latest hospital book that after the birth I'd be expected to get up off the deliver bed, have a shower and put on daytime clothes!!!!!!! There was no way I was going to do that so I 'forgot' to pack any day clothes in my bag. As it was, I was quite ill after dd2 was born so confined to bed anyway. But then no one brought me any food.....

When my mum had my bro at home in the 1950's she had a free home help for six weeks afterwards, who did the housework, took the other dc to school and made the meals. It was standard practice then - those were the days.

Original poster

oranges · 19/06/2007 17:36

I just don't think we should be expected to be rational and fair at the time, so I am perfectly entitled to see a friend who brings champagne, and be too tired to visit in laws and.

OP posts:

Original poster

oranges · 19/06/2007 17:37

listen to how they can take over now the baby is born,

OP posts:

Original poster

oranges · 19/06/2007 17:40

To be fair, my in laws went a bit bonkers too, insisting they HAD to come over and HAD to name the baby THAT INSTANT OR THEY WOULD CRY. They calmed down and we now get on fine, which makes me think they were hormonal too.

OP posts:

GibbonInARibbon · 19/06/2007 17:40

here here

People tried to make me feel bad for putting off their visits and staying at home.

I honestly didn't care what they thought to be honest, I was too busy reeling from the shock of motherhood.

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