2 young children - feel completely out of my depth, annoyed and trapped

[Luckystar1]

I have 2 young children, DS just turned 3 and DD almost 18 months. I am feeling so overwhelmed, upset and frankly trapped by the children/life and I need help to move forward.

My DH and I have recently separated as a result of his affair, although we are attempting to work through it. That has added another dimension but ultimately my feelings in relation to life with the children etc is the same.

I am from overseas so I have no family support and DH’s parents are 7 hours drive away. We are alone.

Since DS was born I have not had a night ‘off’ (overnight). I am absolutely exhausted.

The children are extremely full on. They are up (screaming) from around 5.15am daily. The days consist of basically one or other of them crying all day. They will not play, I HAVE to be there. I can’t sit down or the baby climbs on my demanding to be fed (this is literally constantly all day). I can’t put the television on as the 3 year old starts to get completely unmanageable if he watches tv.

We go out, but increasingly they are unmanageable outside of the house. If we walk, the older one cries to be carried so I end up having to push a massive double buggy then the youngest one goes ballistic to walk which is impossible while pushing the older one. If they both walk they run off in opposite directions.

Every single day, one or both of them has a massive tantrum while we are out, it is exhausting and embarrassing (and I am not easily embarrassed!)

The older one has also, since about Sept, taken to come in beside me during the night. I am too exhausted to stop him but I hate it as he fidgets and sniffs and coughs etc etc. Then up at ridiculous o’clock daily.

I feel so upset as this weekend I went out with friends on Sat night just to a comedy thing. I had to leave early and didn’t drink as I knew I’d be up stupidly early. Even in doing that I was exhausted yesterday. I feel so trapped by it all. I cannot have anything resembling a ‘normal’ life. All of my friends with similar aged children are starting to come out the other side and we are still knee deep in shit.

I really thought it would be getting better by now but it’s not at all.

DH comes every evening to put the children to bed, and stays here at the weekends to help. I am a SAHM.

DS goes to nursery 2 mornings a week so that provides some relief. But everything else just feels so overwhelming all the time. The crying/screaming/no sleeping/no time at all to myself/no time for our marriage etc etc etc.

Any advice? Tips? Experience?

[Janetjanetjanet]

Well the kids are basically at that rampant age where they don't listen and will just want to run around all day. So all the stupid comments above about control etc are to be taken with a pinch of salt really.

You're doing great getting them outside loads... Burn them out. And if it takes an hour to get to the park and an hour back it's fine - with toddlers it's the journey not the destination!

Definitely get your H more involved : ideally he should be having them for one week, you the next week, his week, your week etc. Bedtime simply isn't enough tbh.

Don't feel guilty about them being at nursery either, you need your sanity, woman!

[Lollipop30]

You just sound knackered! Anything can seem like a battle when you’re sleep deprived.
Sort one thing at a time, get some sleep first, so fix bedtime and you’ll see all the other things more rationally too.

[SheGotBetteDavisEyes]

OP, mine is a quick reply as dashing off, but honestly, despite my patience (I have a lot of it), at THAT age, with an age gap of 18 months, I was on my knees. I'm a very positive person generally, and get immense joy from my young DC but at THAT age...with 18 months between my eldest, it was very, very hard.

But I promise, get through this bit, and the rewards are incredible. It gets so so much easier. And that age gap that is a killer now will be such a blessing as the children get older.

[archersfan3]

That sounds really tough - I have a 3 year old and a baby and the 3 year old has times of being a complete nightmare so it must be much harder with an older second one who has a will of their own too.

I just wanted to say that if you don't want to wean completely (though obviously do that if that's what works for you), I would do what you have done and stick to feeding at specified times eg morning and evening - at all other times offer cow's milk. Maybe put on a different, not very accessible top as a sign to toddler that milk isn't available at other times? If you're only feeding at home you can always take it off to do the feeds at home. Buy a new 'big girl' sippy cup to give cow's milk in instead?
It doesn't have to be a choice between either stop completely or feed whenever toddler feels like it!

I hope things get easier for you.

[minipie]

3 and 1 is the worst worst worst especially if they don't sleep.

4 and 2 will be better I promise!!

Crucial immediate thing is for you to get more rest. Then other things begin to be possible.

So, first steps:

• Get the DC in nursery as much as you can afford. 3yo should be entitled to more than 2 mornings free right?
  
• Get your H to take them for a few hours at the weekend so you get some sleep.
  
• Use the double buggy and don't feel bad about it.
  
• Keep going with withdrawing BF.
  

Then (once you have a bit more energy)

• focus on 3yo staying in his bed. Reward chart, gro clock maybe, plus repeated returning him. Special toy to keep him company.
  

Other ideas

• Maybe white noise would help them sleep through each other being noisy in the night?
  

Good luck. It will get better!