2 young children - feel completely out of my depth, annoyed and trapped

[Luckystar1]

I have 2 young children, DS just turned 3 and DD almost 18 months. I am feeling so overwhelmed, upset and frankly trapped by the children/life and I need help to move forward.

My DH and I have recently separated as a result of his affair, although we are attempting to work through it. That has added another dimension but ultimately my feelings in relation to life with the children etc is the same.

I am from overseas so I have no family support and DH’s parents are 7 hours drive away. We are alone.

Since DS was born I have not had a night ‘off’ (overnight). I am absolutely exhausted.

The children are extremely full on. They are up (screaming) from around 5.15am daily. The days consist of basically one or other of them crying all day. They will not play, I HAVE to be there. I can’t sit down or the baby climbs on my demanding to be fed (this is literally constantly all day). I can’t put the television on as the 3 year old starts to get completely unmanageable if he watches tv.

We go out, but increasingly they are unmanageable outside of the house. If we walk, the older one cries to be carried so I end up having to push a massive double buggy then the youngest one goes ballistic to walk which is impossible while pushing the older one. If they both walk they run off in opposite directions.

Every single day, one or both of them has a massive tantrum while we are out, it is exhausting and embarrassing (and I am not easily embarrassed!)

The older one has also, since about Sept, taken to come in beside me during the night. I am too exhausted to stop him but I hate it as he fidgets and sniffs and coughs etc etc. Then up at ridiculous o’clock daily.

I feel so upset as this weekend I went out with friends on Sat night just to a comedy thing. I had to leave early and didn’t drink as I knew I’d be up stupidly early. Even in doing that I was exhausted yesterday. I feel so trapped by it all. I cannot have anything resembling a ‘normal’ life. All of my friends with similar aged children are starting to come out the other side and we are still knee deep in shit.

I really thought it would be getting better by now but it’s not at all.

DH comes every evening to put the children to bed, and stays here at the weekends to help. I am a SAHM.

DS goes to nursery 2 mornings a week so that provides some relief. But everything else just feels so overwhelming all the time. The crying/screaming/no sleeping/no time at all to myself/no time for our marriage etc etc etc.

Any advice? Tips? Experience?

[SprogletsMum]

It sounds really tough. I've been there with the breastfeeding thing. What worked for me was to put nail biting stuff on my nipples. Dd attempted to latch once, it tasted awful and she never wanted to feed again. She was over 2 though and I wanted to wean completely.

[chiaseeddisapointmentagain]

Their best behaviour would suggest that they are not fine OP.
Go back to basics and make strict boundaries.

3yr old climbs in your bed and keeps you awake? Put them in their own bed. Repeatedly. Until they learn.

They run off in different directions?
Reigns. Always. Never mind tantrums. Until they learn.

Etc etc

[Marcine]

I would definitely try to make things easier for yourself - more nursery, wean the youngest. I have a lively 3 year old and a baby and the 3 year old does 4 days 9-3 at preschool.
Can your dh have them every other weekend so you can rest and recharge?

[SandSnakeofDorne]

chiaseeds, I’m sorry your real life is so miserable that you need to enjoy yourself making strangers on the internet feel bad.

[Blackteadrinker77]

Chiaseed- The sign of a decent human being is that they pick up others as they fall.

OP, take a breath. Pick one behaviour at a time that you want to work on. Which one stresses you the most?
There is light at the end of the tunnel but you have to keep working toward it.

[Nicolamarlow1]

Chiaseeds that was unnecessary and unkind. OP, I'm sorry I don't have any other practical solutions, but agreed with other posters about routine and reins. My DD are now grown up but I still remember the sleepless nights with DD1, it was horrendous, but it gets so much easier as they grow up a little. Hugs and

[KalaLaka]

OP I've felt like this many times!

Could you afford another nursery day or even an au pair to help and to play with the kids?

you're doing so well. Mine were also very demanding and it's crushing!!

[jellycat1]

OP I have exactly the same age gap as you except they're 3 months older than yours. 3.3 and 21 months. It's bloody hard and I agree with Posh's content although not her tone.
You need to get TOUGH. A few short sharp shocks for them of Mum taking control. I find with mine that most habits / behaviours take a few days of gruelling determination on my part to break. Be consistent and let them know who's boss. It does work.
Also I would quit the bfeeding and certainly not feed on demand. You need that like a fucking hole in the head.
Also take heart - at this age even a few months can make a difference. Mine are already a lot easier than they were 3 months ago. It'll be worth it.

[ItsInTheDogsMouth]

Gosh, it sounds tough OP. I think you need to factor in the fact that you and your husband have recently split up, so the children will be picking up on all the trauma surrounding this and may be playing up as a result. I am not a fan of the classic MN advice of toughening up and disciplining them for 'bad' behaviour. If you follow a 'gentle parenting' approach, then changing your parenting approach will be even more stressful for you all. I would be looking for the need behind the behaviour, perhaps they need MORE quality time with you to reassure them after the split with their father. I would allow the co sleeping, extended breast feeding etc. Just cut down on your other expectations and go with what they need right now. Remember, this too shall pass, and you will come out with a strong bond if you can ride the wave with them. Maybe do fewer of the stressful trips, can you drive them to a park where they can burn off energy. Of just do more in the garden with them...football, hide n seek etc. Look for ways to make your life easier right now - possibly employ a cleaner, prepare easier food, get it delivered so you don't have to go to a shop, go to bed earlier yourself, etc.

[Poshindevon]

sandsnakeofdorne who are you to report my post the forum snitch.
My post was not abusive or rude in any way. Just because you did not like the way it was written. Get over yourself.

[jellycat1]

posh don't worry there was nothing reportable about your post.** That's a very odd thing for someone to do...

[10FingersOnTheFender]

@Poshindevon I agree with Jellycat...i was staggered that anyone would think your post worthy of being reported!!

[pallasathena]

Check out your local library, they often have baby and toddler sessions as do many local churches. I am in the North West and we have loads of cheap to free activity groups for tinies, a neighbour of mine is out with her toddler twins three mornings a week to these and it costs her just a pound each time for a coffee and a biscuit and plenty of play/reading/craft time for her tots.
Check out your local authority website for information too, you need to get out and about, exhaust them with walks and activities and this will create a proper routine you and the children can slot into. When mine were that age, we used to have 'puddle days', this time of year. Go for a walk, find some big puddles, have a proper jump in them in our wellies. Magic!

[SandSnakeofDorne]

Mumsnet as a forum works by people reporting posts which they think aren’t acceptable. I thought yours was very rude indeed. I can’t say my opinion of you has improved much after your use of the word snitch. Clearly your post was within the guidelines as it hadn’t been deleted. Well done.

[Reallytired17]

It clearly was within the guidelines! I’m supporting devonon this, sorry. Yes, it was more strongly worded than I would have gone for but ultimately the advice in it was bang on, IMHO.

[Brandnewstart]

Gosh poor you OP. My ex left after an affair when the children were 8 and 6. I often think that I wouldn't have been able to cope if they had been younger as they were both rubbish sleepers.
Honestly? I would use an iPad in the morning to keep them distracted, or put a tv and DVD player in my room so you can doze in bed whilst they watch. Or bring a duvet downstairs and do the same (making sure room is childproof). I would get as much done in the evening as possible so it's easier in the morning e.g. Laying out clothes, having my shower. I still so this as I find mornings really hard since ex left.
If you do plan to stop breastfeeding I found the easiest way was to drop the night feed first and my final feed was the morning one.
Just remember this will pass I promise.

[Brandnewstart]

Also I second getting them out every day in some way. Trip to the ducks, baby group etc. I also found mid afternoon baths broke up the day - for them not you!

[Ecureuil]

Really helpful chiaseeddisapointmentagain. The OP is exhausted, struggling and her DH has had an affair. Really fucking compassionate.

OP I had a similar age gap and even though my DC are ‘easy’ children it was really bloody hard. I ended up ditching the pushchair completely when DC2 was 16 months old as I couldn’t cope with one walking/one in the pushchair or both walking and me pushing a pushchair etc. They soon got used to it not being an option!
Agree with increasing nursery hours and potentially putting DD in nursery for a few hours too. You need some headspace.

[Luckystar1]

Thank you all!

We do go out daily, it just feels like more and more of a mission, but maybe I should just ditch the pram, get the reins on the baby and power on!

I think if they slept a bit later with consistency I’d find it a bit easier.

I only fed the baby twice today! Morning and night! Woohoo! I used cows milk for her nap. Progress.

Tomorrow I will make a picnic, drive somewhere and wear them the he’ll out!

My next biggest issue is the baby’s afternoon nap. Usually about 2 hours if at home. But shit if in the car etc. So I try and get home but we then up lingering about the house all afternoon while I go mad.... how do we go about afternoons?! Today I did singing/musical instruments, reading and them playing but Christ it’s a long time to while away!

[m0therofdragons]

Op in my opinion those are really tough ages. I had a toddler and twins (this doesn't make me superwoman, I didn't have a choice and I bloody love them). Do you know what I love most now? That they dress themselves, help empty the dishwasher and the eldest makes me coffee (9 and 6). It gets easier but challenging in different ways. The all consuming need for you to do everything will not be forever. Hang on in their op and on bad days shove on peppa pig and throw biscuits in their direction, some days it's about getting to bedtime with the least amount of blood / tears as possible!

[Brandnewstart]

I don't know if this tip will help but I used to dress my youngest in his coat and put him in the buggy by the door at nap time. He would fall asleep and I could take the eldest out (didn't drive at the time).
Well done on cutting down the feeding. Will ex have them overnight when she does? It's horrible being away from them but one lie in a week will make a big difference x

[Brandnewstart]

*does stop I meant.

[Gaudeamus]

You sound absolutely heroic but it's no wonder things are hellish. Either the marriage crisis or those ages or being a SAHP or being a single parent would have most people's head in their hands at some point - you're dealing with it all. You must be under immense stress and feeling totally overwhelmed.

That is way, way more than most people have to cope with (of course there are others struggling more too), and taking shortcuts and asking for help in those circumstances is without a doubt the most rational thing to do.

Do you think it would be possible to get a babysitter to come and help say one afternoon or morning a week so you get a few hours off? You could go back to bed. It might be useful for your two to get to know and trust someone you could call on at short notice in case you feel close to burn-out in future.

If you have decided to work further on your marriage, do you think couselling would be of help? Someone with professional experience might be able to bring out the issues clearly and help communication so you have the best chance of reaching a healthy solution. I'm sure the uncertainty in your relationship isn't helping your state of mind one bit.

If you would now be considered a lone parent you might qualify for benefits or other types of help. There's a charity called Gingerbread for single-parent families that could advise or support you, as well as the CAB.

Good luck OP.

[Gaudeamus]

Also, even though your family are far away, is there a chance they could support you more emotionally? Maybe a weekly Skype from home would help you feel that at least you have people on your side who know what's going on. Good luck again.

[SleepingStandingUp]

You need some time out. Husband works weekdays? Then Saturday he cpmes5and takes them out. Youngest can have cows milk. You can do whatever the hell you want. Whether you get back with him PR seperate formally it will do all 4 of you good to have that time set apart.

Could he take them for an overnight and try a hard wean on DD2?

Would a slightly later bedtime keep them down longer? We start bed rputone at 7 for 8 pm sleeps for the 2.5 yo so he sleeps through a little later.


Has their behaviour changed since the split or is it pretty much the same?