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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

So apparently my DD needs some tough love..

36 replies

buckyou · 27/03/2017 09:47

I always leave the in laws feeling quite pissed off / stressed / upset. Basically, my DD doesn't like them and shows up terribly whenever we are in their company. We've been there all weekend, I think she can cope for so long but then it gets too much for her and she just wants to get away and have her own space. It comes out as tantrums though not being upset as such. She's 20 months.

Anyway MIL completely ignored her so on the last day and I heard her mutter under her breath that she needed some 'tough love'. What exactly am I meant to do!?

I do try to avoid confrontation with her when she's like that and try and keep the peace because it's embarrassing! But I follow through with things and don't let her get her way of she's kicking off.

I don't know what I'm meant to do, or how tough love (whatever that is) will make her any more comfortable with the in laws? Any ideas? I have a newborn as well and finding her behaviour and people's reaction to it quite difficult.

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rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 27/03/2017 11:57

In the extended family we have three toddlers and an older couple who are not so great with children in practice although very loving, interested and well intentioned, and can unintentionally be a bit.... overbearing to a young child. (following them around, constantly picking them up whether or not they want it, can't read their facial expressions or clues to back off/distract/cut something short, inappropriate expectations for their age and so on)

One of the children can't stand the being messed with, stands his ground, and kicks off constantly. They don't like him much.

The second more or less ignores them as much as possible, is very quiet around them and does the nod, smile, do your own thing approach with them.

The third deals with them by taking over and dictating their every move, I think on the theory that if she's keeping them busy on her terms they get less time to annoy her. 'Put that there. No, THERE. Sit down. Over there. Give me that. Go and get dinner now.'

Three totally different personalities, three different ways of coping.

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PickAChew · 27/03/2017 12:14

I'd have laughed in her face when she complained about getting dirty looks.

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AssassinatedBeauty · 27/03/2017 12:36

It's very poor for them to have "given up" on a 20 month old toddler because they're harder work than your other grandchildren! It's really disappointing from them tbh.

When you go on holiday with them, will you have your own space or are you sharing all facilities with them?

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buckyou · 27/03/2017 12:43

It is a villa. Quite a big one. We would have our own car.

I guess best course of action is to plough on, try not to be too sensitive and hope it gets better as DD gets older!?

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ZombieApocalips · 27/03/2017 12:45

Your dd can probably sense that her gp don't like her (or you) much. Toddlers can sense their parent's anxiety and often act worse for it. Is she better when PIL visit your house? Can you go for shorter visits next time?

My oldest couldn't be taken to restaurants until he was 3 or 4. No way at 20 months. 😂

Ignore the advice about tough love. She's 20 months old and you sound like you are disciplining here appropriately.

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buckyou · 27/03/2017 12:54

She's probably worse when they come here.

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LaContessaDiPlump · 27/03/2017 13:06

Yep, sounds like appropriate discipline to me.

I do think that it's human nature to prefer those people who are less hard work; I used to prefer the happy smiley kids in my family to the scowling grumpy ones, frankly.

The difference is, I've got my own kids now and am aware that it is my responsibility as the adult to respond to the child's cues, not vice versa, and not to expect them to dance around and please me. In fact they may have no idea what correct social behaviour is, so to expect it from them would be ludicrous. I'm much more of a grown-up in how I respond to grumpy kids these days, but I do secretly still prefer the ones that are easy to be with.

The plus side is, many kids go from being difficult as toddlers to delightful young people; my own DS was brutally hard work as a toddler but is really quite nice to be with now (if he's not tired/bored/hungry of course). So it's quite possible that your MIL will reap the reward of not being kind to her DGC by having that DGC not be at all interested in her later on. One to watch....

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LaContessaDiPlump · 27/03/2017 13:08

Not sure I made it clear in my post, but the upshot is that I think your MIL is being childish herself in expecting adult behaviour from a child and that she may well regret her choices. Your DD is being completely normal. Grumpy but normal

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buckyou · 27/03/2017 13:17

Thank you lacont. It gives me hope that she might be a nice child eventually!

It's made me feel better that I'm not totally bonkers with my slightly softer version of parenting.

Hopefully things will improve soon! My DS is showing promise for being much more chilled anyway.

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Thatextrainch · 27/03/2017 13:25

My dd is the same age and acts the same at pil. The problem for her is that she gets overwhelmed at pil. Whenever we go each of dps siblings will attend with their partners and children so at a minimum there is 10 adults and 6 children in an average size living room. Dd is always exceptionally grumpy and just constantly whines. She's been like this since birth, she didn't like the pass the parcel of everyone wanting to hold her but if just pil come to ours on their own she is a delight. It really doesn't help that her cousins are much more jolly and laid back so she appears even more grumpy and difficult in comparison.

We can only manage it but taking her out in the garden when we visit or encouraging everyone to go out for a walk to the park. At Xmas period we lied and said she was ill as it was chucking down with rain and we couldn't face the prospect of us all crammed into the living room for hours with Dd getting wound up. She's very much like me and needs some peace and quiet.

In terms of dirty looks dd can pull an epic 'wtf?!' face.

Have you asked Mil for her advice about how to deal with dd? It's all very well saying she needs tough live but what is that? If she's the expert she'll obviously be able to advise you

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LaContessaDiPlump · 27/03/2017 13:26

I'm sure she will be lovely :) all we can do is keep demonstrating that overtly antisocial behaviour (e.g. yelling) is not acceptable, and keep praising the good stuff. The problem is, many people (e.g. PILs) have far stricter ideas of what constitutes overt antisocial behaviour (dirty looks?!) and so would have you punishing the child every minute of the day. Not a good look.

I had faint hope for the discourage bad/encourage good tactic with DS1 initially, but now he's 5.5 and his little face just lights up when I praise him for good behaviour - it's remarkable how it motivates him. I feel good about it because I've consistently been doing the same thing for 5 years and he suddenly Gets It. FINALLY

Besides, I am privately of the opinion that the most angelic child on earth will become a right dick for the first month of a new sibling's life and then settle down. Wait and see!