So apparently my DD needs some tough love..

[buckyou]

I always leave the in laws feeling quite pissed off / stressed / upset. Basically, my DD doesn't like them and shows up terribly whenever we are in their company. We've been there all weekend, I think she can cope for so long but then it gets too much for her and she just wants to get away and have her own space. It comes out as tantrums though not being upset as such. She's 20 months.

Anyway MIL completely ignored her so on the last day and I heard her mutter under her breath that she needed some 'tough love'. What exactly am I meant to do!?

I do try to avoid confrontation with her when she's like that and try and keep the peace because it's embarrassing! But I follow through with things and don't let her get her way of she's kicking off.

I don't know what I'm meant to do, or how tough love (whatever that is) will make her any more comfortable with the in laws? Any ideas? I have a newborn as well and finding her behaviour and people's reaction to it quite difficult.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

I'm sure she will be lovely :) all we can do is keep demonstrating that overtly antisocial behaviour (e.g. yelling) is not acceptable, and keep praising the good stuff. The problem is, many people (e.g. PILs) have far stricter ideas of what constitutes overt antisocial behaviour (dirty looks?!) and so would have you punishing the child every minute of the day. Not a good look.

I had faint hope for the discourage bad/encourage good tactic with DS1 initially, but now he's 5.5 and his little face just lights up when I praise him for good behaviour - it's remarkable how it motivates him. I feel good about it because I've consistently been doing the same thing for 5 years and he suddenly Gets It. FINALLY

Besides, I am privately of the opinion that the most angelic child on earth will become a right dick for the first month of a new sibling's life and then settle down. Wait and see!

[Thatextrainch]

My dd is the same age and acts the same at pil. The problem for her is that she gets overwhelmed at pil. Whenever we go each of dps siblings will attend with their partners and children so at a minimum there is 10 adults and 6 children in an average size living room. Dd is always exceptionally grumpy and just constantly whines. She's been like this since birth, she didn't like the pass the parcel of everyone wanting to hold her but if just pil come to ours on their own she is a delight. It really doesn't help that her cousins are much more jolly and laid back so she appears even more grumpy and difficult in comparison.

We can only manage it but taking her out in the garden when we visit or encouraging everyone to go out for a walk to the park. At Xmas period we lied and said she was ill as it was chucking down with rain and we couldn't face the prospect of us all crammed into the living room for hours with Dd getting wound up. She's very much like me and needs some peace and quiet.

In terms of dirty looks dd can pull an epic 'wtf?!' face.

Have you asked Mil for her advice about how to deal with dd? It's all very well saying she needs tough live but what is that? If she's the expert she'll obviously be able to advise you

[buckyou]

Thank you lacont. It gives me hope that she might be a nice child eventually!

It's made me feel better that I'm not totally bonkers with my slightly softer version of parenting.

Hopefully things will improve soon! My DS is showing promise for being much more chilled anyway.

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Not sure I made it clear in my post, but the upshot is that I think your MIL is being childish herself in expecting adult behaviour from a child and that she may well regret her choices. Your DD is being completely normal. Grumpy but normal

[LaContessaDiPlump]

Yep, sounds like appropriate discipline to me.

I do think that it's human nature to prefer those people who are less hard work; I used to prefer the happy smiley kids in my family to the scowling grumpy ones, frankly.

The difference is, I've got my own kids now and am aware that it is my responsibility as the adult to respond to the child's cues, not vice versa, and not to expect them to dance around and please me. In fact they may have no idea what correct social behaviour is, so to expect it from them would be ludicrous. I'm much more of a grown-up in how I respond to grumpy kids these days, but I do secretly still prefer the ones that are easy to be with.

The plus side is, many kids go from being difficult as toddlers to delightful young people; my own DS was brutally hard work as a toddler but is really quite nice to be with now (if he's not tired/bored/hungry of course). So it's quite possible that your MIL will reap the reward of not being kind to her DGC by having that DGC not be at all interested in her later on. One to watch....

[buckyou]

She's probably worse when they come here.

[ZombieApocalips]

Your dd can probably sense that her gp don't like her (or you) much. Toddlers can sense their parent's anxiety and often act worse for it. Is she better when PIL visit your house? Can you go for shorter visits next time?

My oldest couldn't be taken to restaurants until he was 3 or 4. No way at 20 months. 😂

Ignore the advice about tough love. She's 20 months old and you sound like you are disciplining here appropriately.

[buckyou]

It is a villa. Quite a big one. We would have our own car.

I guess best course of action is to plough on, try not to be too sensitive and hope it gets better as DD gets older!?

[AssassinatedBeauty]

It's very poor for them to have "given up" on a 20 month old toddler because they're harder work than your other grandchildren! It's really disappointing from them tbh.

When you go on holiday with them, will you have your own space or are you sharing all facilities with them?

[PickAChew]

I'd have laughed in her face when she complained about getting dirty looks.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

In the extended family we have three toddlers and an older couple who are not so great with children in practice although very loving, interested and well intentioned, and can unintentionally be a bit.... overbearing to a young child. (following them around, constantly picking them up whether or not they want it, can't read their facial expressions or clues to back off/distract/cut something short, inappropriate expectations for their age and so on)

One of the children can't stand the being messed with, stands his ground, and kicks off constantly. They don't like him much.

The second more or less ignores them as much as possible, is very quiet around them and does the nod, smile, do your own thing approach with them.

The third deals with them by taking over and dictating their every move, I think on the theory that if she's keeping them busy on her terms they get less time to annoy her. 'Put that there. No, THERE. Sit down. Over there. Give me that. Go and get dinner now.'

Three totally different personalities, three different ways of coping.

[buckyou]

I don't think it's really intentional or in a nasty way but I suppose if you try with a kid and they don't respond favourably then you will be more drawn to the 'nicer' ones. But it's not DDs fault she just struggles with people a bit.

We are supposed to be going away with them in September but I'm dreading it. Can see will cause drama and make things worse if i say we aren't going!?

[buckyou]

I think they've just given up on her a bit now they have friendlier GC who live nearer!😔

[AssassinatedBeauty]

They're fools if they don't understand that children are different and have different personalities and reactions to things.

If your ILs are not warm and friendly towards your DD then that really isn't going to help.

[buckyou]

Smack even! I think they generally think I'm a bit too soft - we should let her CIO or making a rod for our backs, don't cuddle baby too much or we will spoil him etc.

I do take her out of the situation but I think they think that's letting her get her own way.

My niece is the same age and was also visiting and she is a completely different kettle of fish. She loves them and never really kicks off. So I think my DD is compared to DN a lot.

[buckyou]

I'm not sure what tough love means! Be stricter with her I guess, I don't think she meant to snack her but hard to say.

[MsGameandWatch]

My parents were like this to me and my child when he was around that age. They made little effort but complained an awful lot. I stopped taking my child there. I suggest you do the same.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

I suspect as you say by day 3 it was all a bit too much having to be on "best" "don't touch" behaviour. If you are stressed by the fact she may touch their ornaments DD is probably picking up on it too.

Are you able to afford to stay nearby at a hotel (B&B or travellodge). We used to do that and it became infinitely more bearable.

Maybe the ils have forgotten what toddlers are like? Is the tough love they mean just removing her from the situation? Because actually sometimes that little time out away from what is happening can work. I'd take her from the room and sit on the stairs myself and let her have the tantrum and then when it was over take her back in.

If tough love means they expect you to smack her then they can jog on!

[AssassinatedBeauty]

How does a 20 month old give a dirty look, and even if they did, why would an adult be upset by it! How ridiculous.

Does your MIL mean that you should have smacked her? I don't really know what "tough love" really means.

[buckyou]

Apparently she was giving MIL dirty looks if she tried to interact when she was otherwise happy?

I think the tough love comment has come because I took her away when she was kicking off at lunch but I wasn't going to sit there listening to her kick off and spoil everyone's lunch.

[AssassinatedBeauty]

I think next time you see them, plan the time with your DH as to what you're going to do, bearing in mind what your DD can cope with and what the baby's needs are. Decide in advance who is going to be responsible for each child at each point, and agree a strategy for if your DD has had enough. In an environment where you have adults who don't help with the children and actively make things worse, then you and DH need to be on the same page and be organised about what you're going to do.

It doesn't matter what they think about your parenting, their opinion isn't one that I think you should hold highly. They're not helping and neither is your DH, you are doing really well to put up with it and manage despite all that. Try just to let it wash over you and don't take it to heart.

[buckyou]

I'm not MILs biggest fan but I'm not sure it's me. We had a right laugh when she'd gone to bed! There's not an atmosphere or anything.

DD is funny with some people it's just how she is. She's never liked my best friend either. She's just a funny onion! They had a house full not just us visiting and I think it all just gets a bit much for DD. They have a very large house and she just kept trying to run to the quiet end to play!

Tantrums were because of things like having to take her wellies off, not being able to play with ornaments, not wanting to sit down for Sunday lunch. That kind of thing. She was perfect on day one, not bad day two and terrible day 3!

I can see why in laws take it to heart but don't know why they can't see I need a bit of support, not criticism!