The age old question - how do you do it all working mums!

[LubiLooLoo]

I cannot be the only mum out there who has a child, a job and a commute. I cannot be!

But yet I can't seem to see a good and healthy work/life balance after my maternity leave. So how do you super women (and men) do it?

I have a career I am very proud of, and an almost 10 month old DS that I'm even more proud of. Ecstatically so! My DH is military, so we are relatively limited where we can live, both because of his work and because of finance. So I live a committable distance from work.

I have recently 'done the maths' as far as me getting back to work goes and I've had the horrid realisation that I'm going to get home from work after my DS goes to bed, and my DH has to take him to nursery because I have to leave too early in the morning. We have no family nearby, no chance of working from home, and not enough money for me to work part-time... and the thought of not seeing his lovely little face all week hurts.

Men in similar fields to be, talk fondly of local Nursery's that their children go to, but when I ask what the pick up time is it's always too early, and who really wants their child to spend from 7 to 7 at a nursery every day?

How do you guys do it? Is there a trick I'm missing? Do I need to adorn a red cape and wear my underwear on top my sensible trouser suit and learn to fly as the speed of a train?

[MiddleAgedMother]

Returning after DC1, I negotiated 7am to 5pm then back on from 8pm.
Later DH changed roles so could start later so I did 730 to 530pm and again post 8pm.
Was a joke with DH that phone would ring T 801pm!
But we had a full time nanny.
And when I travelled she did overtime and DH came home just in time for 7pm bath!
It was hard and I basically worked for my pension as my salary post tax was spent on child care.
But being home for DCs tea, chat and bed was so good.
Better than stressed starts to day.
It got easier with DC3.
But an employer who trusts you to work at home is huge.
Also short commute!
I now have long commute and still trying to get it to work.
Good luck.

[MiddleAgedMother]

Sorry. Hours wrong. It was 7-5/530 outside house.
I worked 730 to 430/5 as 15 mins commute.
Huge huge benefit in commute!

[MiddleAgedMother]

Hence 8pm plus from home as extra work, calls, emails etc.

[dinodiva]

I went back to work full time last September when my mat leave ended - I love my job and always planned to go back. London based so 45mins - 1 hour commute each way.

DD's nursery hours are 0745-1800 and she's usually in from the start and picked up around 1730. DH and I share drop offs/pick ups as far as possible. My work offers flexi time so if DH drops off I get in as early as I can to bank the hours. We have a cleaner, internet shop, quick dinners etc and on the whole it's manageable. I'm very lucky that DH is incredibly supportive of my career and we share all the household stuff - teamwork is what makes it work for us. I do go to bed early to help with the 6am starts (easy to get up and sorted before DD) and our weekends are generally pretty low key.

I'm going to ask about WFH one day per week, just because of the constant rushing. I don't have much time for myself and I worry that I don't do enough exercise (I was pretty good pre DD) but I can't do everything.

The judgy people do annoy me though - sympathetic and horrified looks when I say that I work full time so find myself having to point out constantly that it's my choice.

[LubiLooLoo]

It really lovely to hear (or read) all the routines!

In answer to a few questions, we really can't afford a nanny, and we have only just got our current mortgage, so there's not extending that!

I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to give it 6 months and see how bad going back is.

I double checked and there is no working from home (against compliance) and I just don't see the cash adding up if I go to part-time, especially as it would damage my career quite substantially!

Maybe freelancing and being my own boss is the way to go? We shall see!

[KCpip]

I mostly do self employed work and am just taking up a temporary post 2 days a week. For me there's been a big adjustment from enjoying a big focus on my work/career to now doing what I need to to bring in enough money with the plan to return to something full time when my daughter is older. I'm also trying to be more open to change and if something isn't working for our family I need to change my work rather than prioritising work. It does mean money is a bit tight but I definitely won't look back and feel I missed time with my daughter which is important. Oh, I have also seriously relaxed my cleaning standards. I'm amazed to hear everyone's routines with cleaning and cleaners! Our house now gets cleaned a LOT less regularly and at top speed! (Usually before visitors!)

[LubiLooLoo]

Does anyone else think it sucks more than a little that it seems to be mainly women making all the changes in their careers and the men seems to be relatively unchanged?

My husband is army, so there's not much we can do about his career. But I fought tooth and nail to get my job in a very competitive and mainly me industry, and I love it! I always want to be a mum first, but I can't help but feel very frustrated that it is me that HAS to be the one who lets their career go. I'm bloody brilliant at what I do and love it and I have the potential to way out earn my husband in a few years.

I wish I could do both

[LubiLooLoo]

That was meant to say 'male' industry... not me industry! I hate phones

[NapQueen]

Could you compromise with dh and say once your earnings surpass his he has to go PT? Can you be PT in the military? Can he look for an alternative career?

[KCpip]

Yes Lubilooloo I often feel like I'm the one doing a lot of compromising when it comes to work/career

[thenoisytimetravelstudent]

I have 2 dds and teach an hour away. Dd2 is 11 months and I've been back to work since January. It's so hard!
I feel like I had time to work and be a good mum to one child but 2 children is just another ball game.
I feel like I need to be working harder to make sure I'm a good mum. I'm tired and don't cope the best when I'm like that. poor dd1 gets the brunt of it at times because I'm a bit hard on her. The plan this weekend is to re evaluate how I'm parenting her, she is 3 and I need to make sure that I'm not giving her issues

[LubiLooLoo]

I'm afraid the military doesn't really work like that. You are give work for a set number of years, I think my husbands next chance he can leave is 8 years or so away. You are assigned your job and your location of work. That's why there's military housing, because often you don't get a say where you live.

[LubiLooLoo]

We have to live in Hampshire, we both have to work full time to afford where we live, I have to work in London because there's not a lot of editing to do in Hampshire and it's the commute that will stop me seeing my DS during the week.

I wish my employer would let me work from home!

I feel your pain (minus one child) time travel. I hope you find a balence!

[sanityisamyth]

I'm a single mum and work 5.5 days per week, 8- 4.30 3 days, 8-6 2 days and 8.30-12.30 on Saturday. I have a 3yo DS and no family support. Luckily I work term time and DS goes to the nursery connected to my work. It's seriously hard work but I cope by online shopping, making the most of Saturday afternoon and Sunday together and wine!

[43percentburnt]

What about a nanny share?

My husband is at home with the children. I think often it is the woman who decides to change her career post children. When I returned after having twins I regularly was asked if I'm part time. It's just assumed I'd give up my (very established) career. However as a family it would have been crazy for me to reduce my hours or stay at home.

I know people who use a nursery near work, however think carefully about this as it makes you fully responsible for drop off and pick up, a habit you may not want to get into.

What's your longer term plan, will he leave the army when his 8 years are up?

[LubiLooLoo]

A nanny share maybe an idea once we know people here; I've only just moved. I guess we are in panic mode, and need to look at a 3-6 month solution now, not the long term.

The original (and slightly crazy) plan was DS was going to commute with me to a nursery by my work. But we've just moved, and the commute is longer, and by the time I'm home he should be in bed, so I don't think to continue with that plan would be fair.

We aren't sure how we are going to afford a nursery, so the idea of paying a nanny is scary. Hopefully we will find a similarly positioned family around here to share a nanny with... i will have to check that childcare app!

DH has been in the army since he was 16, he doesn't have any experience or skills in anything else. I think he is interested in doing a degree while working (which the military funds so its soldiers have prospects once the leave) but he hasn't settled on what to study yet. So he may extend with the military or not.

Phew! Mums are so busy!

[TheOldestCat]

I'm an editor too - with a long commute. I have 2 DC now but what worked for me after DC1 was working at home (at one point I did two days in the office, three a top home). DC still at nursery or childminder (we had a combination) but I could Ben flexible with hours and saw them in the morning and evening when WFH. You say your employer won't allow it but is this a perception or reality? You could apply for flexible working and see if it works for all?

I find WFH ideal for editing.

Now my two DC are in school I work 4 days a week - 2 in the office and 2 at home. I do compressed hours so one of those home days is within school hours. When I do go to London I start late so I can drop kids off at breakfast club (does mean I work late so they are asleep when I get home but it's only twice a week).

I Ann lucky to have a manager that is very pro flexible working. But previous managers haven't been and my organisation isn't always so groovy. I just demonstrated it worked.

Are you at an agency? What about going in house?

[TheOldestCat]

Sorry for all the typos! I am a good editor when not typing on a crappy phone!

[LubiLooLoo]

I think it's an editor trait to be bad at typing!

Nope, definitely no working from home. My employer says creativity is a team effort, and doesn't feel working from home is a good way of being part of that team. Also a lot of the stuff we do is quite sensitive, and we have really locked down systems, so I would be hugely limited to what I could take home and everything would have to go through a compliance team and be signed off by the client!

Haha it sounds mad, but is all very sensible really.

Nice to find another editor! I am currently in house, and have wondering if freelance may give me more flexibility? My work are very pro flexi-time, but I think because the nature of post (and because they've only ever had men in the role) they aren't sure how to manage it with me. Understandabley, as you know, you're on the clients hours, and they are less understanding

It's just good to know I'm not alone in this challenge! I'm sure it'll get sorted as we go. But I like planning, and my plans don't sound all that fun at the moment!

[Newmother8668]

To be fair, I'm choosing to want to work part time anyway with baby. I think I'm at a different stage than others as I already felt I achieved everything I wanted professionally before my baby and was happy to find a less demanding role and be a mother. My age has helped to, as I'm 40 now with my 4 1/2 month old and first child, so I'm just happy to relax after 25 years working so hard!

[JellyWitch]

I do compressed hours to give me a day at home. The kids stay up until 8-8.30 so we all at least get bedtime together. We make the most of the weekends. And we cosleep so catch up snuggles at night.

It's really hard when they are little but IMO worth it for the long term career.

[Gillian1980]

It's hard and something that affected our timing for starting a family - we waited until we were 35 and 39 but before that we weren't in a position to afford childcare or make changes in our work.

I went p/t after maternity leave. My days are 9-5 and I work from home a lot and book my meetings to fit in with finishing in good time. Nursery is on the route my husband walks to work, so he usually does the morning drop off. We usually try to meet at nursery after work to collect dd together.

Dh looked into reducing or compressing hours at work but it would have been a bit tricky and I really wanted to be the one at home so he agreed with that.

We're waiting until dd is 3 before we try again as we simply cannot manage financially to do it again before then. Childcare would be too expensive and I can't afford (and don't want) to give up work.

[waterrat]

I couldn't do a job with no control over my hours . I can only cope by knowing I will be able to leave st 5 and I work part time. That has impacted on my career but we only get one life and the kids are only small for a few years. I would find a new job rather than not see them all week.

[Newmother8668]

Me too.. My DH and I have had to really simplify our life a lot and there are no big luxuries, but I'll be going back to four days a week and then lower it again in just six months to three days a week for good. I want to be there for my son and my family. However, I'm not sure what my mindset would have been in my late 20s or 30s, as I would have had a lot more to do. I also retired in professional sports, so it's easier for me to feel I can kick back a bit. Watching my baby and hubby sleep now makes me happier than doing anything else!!

[pinkcardi]

Could you get a nanny instead of nursery? Depending on where you live the cost might not be too different?

The advantage is that you cut all the getting ready to and nursery faff in the morning. If he baby is sick you don't need to take time off. You can also come home to a baby that's been calmed down for bed rather than a rush across town and hurried bedtime with a fractious child.

Our nanny will hang out washing, take in food deliveries, generally ease the running of the home.

I now work 4 days, doing around 36hrs a week, plus some at home if I need to. Work have responded well and promoted me whilst on my part time hours, so they're happy. I find that this is a decent balance, although it's never perfect.