The age old question - how do you do it all working mums!

[LubiLooLoo]

I cannot be the only mum out there who has a child, a job and a commute. I cannot be!

But yet I can't seem to see a good and healthy work/life balance after my maternity leave. So how do you super women (and men) do it?

I have a career I am very proud of, and an almost 10 month old DS that I'm even more proud of. Ecstatically so! My DH is military, so we are relatively limited where we can live, both because of his work and because of finance. So I live a committable distance from work.

I have recently 'done the maths' as far as me getting back to work goes and I've had the horrid realisation that I'm going to get home from work after my DS goes to bed, and my DH has to take him to nursery because I have to leave too early in the morning. We have no family nearby, no chance of working from home, and not enough money for me to work part-time... and the thought of not seeing his lovely little face all week hurts.

Men in similar fields to be, talk fondly of local Nursery's that their children go to, but when I ask what the pick up time is it's always too early, and who really wants their child to spend from 7 to 7 at a nursery every day?

How do you guys do it? Is there a trick I'm missing? Do I need to adorn a red cape and wear my underwear on top my sensible trouser suit and learn to fly as the speed of a train?

[PuntCuffin]

My DH was forces too. I had 1.45 each way commute and there were weeks when i didn't see DS Mon-Fri if i didn't work from home. Another posting, i weekly commuted with DS. When we eventually had a second child, by that point, i had 1.15 each way commute but more flexibility about WFH. DH did all the dropping off so i could leave early to collect them, or be home at the same time as DH if he did.
It was bloody hard work and i probably did miss a lot. But, on the other side, DH I knows how hard the juggling is, so appreciates everything i do (am now fully home based, he has left forces and is the commuter).
And by pushing through the pain, we are in a MUCH better place financially than many other friends who have left and are relying on one salary and didn't buy property before leaving, where we ploughed my salary into a BTL (evil LL scum that we are ) that has now been sold to fund a family house.

[LubiLooLoo]

Dailymaui, I've just moved into a 'do-er upper' too!

Well done for keeping it all together!

[tappitytaptap]

I've dropped to 4 days (Weds off which I love as I get a whole day with him in the middle of the week), only do my long commute 2 days a week and work locally the other two as my company has many different offices, share pick ups and drop offs for his 2 days of nursery and my parents have him the other 2 which makes the commuting days easier as there are no nursery times to work with! It is hard, and even though I found mat leave tough at times and really wanted to go back to work, some days I still feel guilty for working. I know I shouldn't as DS is happy at nursery and with my parents and I think ita great for him. I'm working on not focussing on the little niggly worries, I think you have to just see the big picture and as long as your DC are loved, small stuff doesn't matter.

[Littlecaf]

I went part time. If it wasn't an option then I'd farm everything out - cleaning, internet supermarket shop, DSs meals at nursery (inc breakfast). Then breakfast & after school club when they get to school. A few mum friends work full time and they all have survived and have lovely normal DCs.

[nong45]

I came to the conclusion a while ago it's just not possible to do it all and stay sane/healthy! My kids are now 11 and 13 and over the years DH and I have both worked but ended up alternating between being part-timers /stay at homers as job opportunities and redundancies have come and gone for both of us. DH was self-employed for a while when I worked long days so he could sort the kids out but after a couple of years, even with a cleaner I was stressed and burnt out. DH then found a half-decent job and I even left my profession for a while to do casual work and regain my sanity. We have been at times pretty hard-up, knackered, frustrated, endlessly juggling and both of our careers have suffered but that's just life with kids and i think looking back now we are glad we shared the load and each had plenty of time with them when they were small. We're still in our 40s and there's still lots of time ahead for work and careers particularly when the kids are older and can get themselves to school and back. I actually think my relationship with my husband is better now because we think we both made equal sacrifices and have no reason to resent the other for missing out on something. 13 years on we have we both recently found pretty much our ideal jobs and working patterns, life is finally calming down a bit and careers moving in the right direction again. It all generally is a bit mad though when the kids are small but the career isn't lost and gone forever if you do step off the ladder for a bit.

[Newmother8668]

I would go freelance too and cut down on a lot financially as well. Think of ways to do things differently. I was talking to a few women at my baby Sensory class and they looked at different ways of keeping a career. Mine is writing my book, as I've always been a writer. At the same time, I looked at the job market for a different job as well. Look at alternatives maybe? Try everything and don't give up!

[Ferlander]

OP I feel for you too. My DH works in the police and I have reduced but also compressed my hours into a 4 day week. That said, my one day off is spent on the phone to work or emailing work. I also tend to catch up evenings. Not great.

Much like others I could progress, but have realised with the children so young I need to be the one in the stable normal hours job. Due to DHs job in the police he is called upon at short notice, often works overtime at short notice and can't be relied on to take time off if kids are ill. It falls to me. By keeping my foot in the door of my career I hope to progress as the kids get older but for now need to stay put.

Nursery drop off is 7. 30, pick up 5.30. Long days and feels me with guilt. But I think once nursery fees reduce my wage will help considerably towards the nicer things in life.

[thebakerwithboobs]

OP I feel for you. I'm a headteacher and my husband is in the airforce. I always knew that I wanted to be a head but-and this might not be what you want to hear-I accepted that I would have to be the one to 'hold' my career and be able to juggle the children. Even if you do find a solution to everyday toing and froing from nursery, what will you do when your husband is deployed? If he's away and you're on a tight schedule and already stuck in traffic? Or your little one is poorly? The military does afford lots of benefits for families such as housing (I said that with a straight face! What do I win??) but it has no flexibility. We did end up having a nanny when we had three under five (twins arrived uninvited...) which was cheaper than child care and I made a life long friend-even for one it's more expensive but so much more flexible and supportive than nursery if you get a good one.

In your position OP, I would say have faith. You've said yourself you're great at what you do, so go freelance! Take the leap of faith, work from home, do a great job! One day you will be the employer letting your new parent staff work from home. Good luck.

[DailyMaui]

I feel your pain - I'm along the desk from you (prod/director) and this is not a good industry to be able to work flexibly or from home. I'm full time with a commute and I manage about a day a month from home - I really wish it was more.
I'd like to say it gets easier... both my children are finally at secondary school so that has meant no panicked journeys home hoping to get to the childminder on time. BUT I naively thought they would need me less as they got older and that is just not the case. Every single morning I get asked "will you be home after school Mummy?" Meaning I end up going in really, really early twice a week. Which just adds to the tiredness but at least I'm allowed to do it. Of course I have to fit those earlies around the shoot/edit days when things are very unsettled and I there's no real choice in hours. For example I found out today that I have a shoot on Monday that will finish late in the evening but I'm in an edit in the morning. No flexibility there!
I get the shopping delivered and I bought an instant pot. I now make every meal either really slowly all day or really quickly when I get home (risotto in six minutes - and it's fabulous).
Despite mine being older I would drop a day like a flash. I feel I'm permanently on catch up everywhere: sleep, cleaning, paperwork, life things (like booking holidays, outings etc). I rarely shop as a leisure pursuit and feel I've won the lottery if I have a full day at home without having to leave the house! But I'm not giving up a career I love and I'm also the higher earner so... I juggle, get knackered and despair at my house. We are just about to build a huge extension too... I could cry thinking at the extra shit that will bring.

[pinkcardi]

Ah yes, with that nursery cost it does work out to be much more expensive. Our nurseries were priced closer to £10/hr although obviously we'd save on food, heating, nanny travel costs etc.

It's mad, childcare is so expensive

[LubiLooLoo]

Hey pinkcardi!

When I looked about a less experienced nanny was around £10 an hour, the nursery is just over £4.

From what you said, nannys sound worth every penny! I'm not sure I have enough pennies though.

I welcome tips and suggestions. They are amazing food for thought!

[pinkcardi]

Could you get a nanny instead of nursery? Depending on where you live the cost might not be too different?

The advantage is that you cut all the getting ready to and nursery faff in the morning. If he baby is sick you don't need to take time off. You can also come home to a baby that's been calmed down for bed rather than a rush across town and hurried bedtime with a fractious child.

Our nanny will hang out washing, take in food deliveries, generally ease the running of the home.

I now work 4 days, doing around 36hrs a week, plus some at home if I need to. Work have responded well and promoted me whilst on my part time hours, so they're happy. I find that this is a decent balance, although it's never perfect.

[Newmother8668]

Me too.. My DH and I have had to really simplify our life a lot and there are no big luxuries, but I'll be going back to four days a week and then lower it again in just six months to three days a week for good. I want to be there for my son and my family. However, I'm not sure what my mindset would have been in my late 20s or 30s, as I would have had a lot more to do. I also retired in professional sports, so it's easier for me to feel I can kick back a bit. Watching my baby and hubby sleep now makes me happier than doing anything else!!

[waterrat]

I couldn't do a job with no control over my hours . I can only cope by knowing I will be able to leave st 5 and I work part time. That has impacted on my career but we only get one life and the kids are only small for a few years. I would find a new job rather than not see them all week.

[Gillian1980]

It's hard and something that affected our timing for starting a family - we waited until we were 35 and 39 but before that we weren't in a position to afford childcare or make changes in our work.

I went p/t after maternity leave. My days are 9-5 and I work from home a lot and book my meetings to fit in with finishing in good time. Nursery is on the route my husband walks to work, so he usually does the morning drop off. We usually try to meet at nursery after work to collect dd together.

Dh looked into reducing or compressing hours at work but it would have been a bit tricky and I really wanted to be the one at home so he agreed with that.

We're waiting until dd is 3 before we try again as we simply cannot manage financially to do it again before then. Childcare would be too expensive and I can't afford (and don't want) to give up work.

[JellyWitch]

I do compressed hours to give me a day at home. The kids stay up until 8-8.30 so we all at least get bedtime together. We make the most of the weekends. And we cosleep so catch up snuggles at night.

It's really hard when they are little but IMO worth it for the long term career.

[Newmother8668]

To be fair, I'm choosing to want to work part time anyway with baby. I think I'm at a different stage than others as I already felt I achieved everything I wanted professionally before my baby and was happy to find a less demanding role and be a mother. My age has helped to, as I'm 40 now with my 4 1/2 month old and first child, so I'm just happy to relax after 25 years working so hard!

[LubiLooLoo]

I think it's an editor trait to be bad at typing!

Nope, definitely no working from home. My employer says creativity is a team effort, and doesn't feel working from home is a good way of being part of that team. Also a lot of the stuff we do is quite sensitive, and we have really locked down systems, so I would be hugely limited to what I could take home and everything would have to go through a compliance team and be signed off by the client!

Haha it sounds mad, but is all very sensible really.

Nice to find another editor! I am currently in house, and have wondering if freelance may give me more flexibility? My work are very pro flexi-time, but I think because the nature of post (and because they've only ever had men in the role) they aren't sure how to manage it with me. Understandabley, as you know, you're on the clients hours, and they are less understanding

It's just good to know I'm not alone in this challenge! I'm sure it'll get sorted as we go. But I like planning, and my plans don't sound all that fun at the moment!

[TheOldestCat]

Sorry for all the typos! I am a good editor when not typing on a crappy phone!

[TheOldestCat]

I'm an editor too - with a long commute. I have 2 DC now but what worked for me after DC1 was working at home (at one point I did two days in the office, three a top home). DC still at nursery or childminder (we had a combination) but I could Ben flexible with hours and saw them in the morning and evening when WFH. You say your employer won't allow it but is this a perception or reality? You could apply for flexible working and see if it works for all?

I find WFH ideal for editing.

Now my two DC are in school I work 4 days a week - 2 in the office and 2 at home. I do compressed hours so one of those home days is within school hours. When I do go to London I start late so I can drop kids off at breakfast club (does mean I work late so they are asleep when I get home but it's only twice a week).

I Ann lucky to have a manager that is very pro flexible working. But previous managers haven't been and my organisation isn't always so groovy. I just demonstrated it worked.

Are you at an agency? What about going in house?

[LubiLooLoo]

A nanny share maybe an idea once we know people here; I've only just moved. I guess we are in panic mode, and need to look at a 3-6 month solution now, not the long term.

The original (and slightly crazy) plan was DS was going to commute with me to a nursery by my work. But we've just moved, and the commute is longer, and by the time I'm home he should be in bed, so I don't think to continue with that plan would be fair.

We aren't sure how we are going to afford a nursery, so the idea of paying a nanny is scary. Hopefully we will find a similarly positioned family around here to share a nanny with... i will have to check that childcare app!

DH has been in the army since he was 16, he doesn't have any experience or skills in anything else. I think he is interested in doing a degree while working (which the military funds so its soldiers have prospects once the leave) but he hasn't settled on what to study yet. So he may extend with the military or not.

Phew! Mums are so busy!

[43percentburnt]

What about a nanny share?

My husband is at home with the children. I think often it is the woman who decides to change her career post children. When I returned after having twins I regularly was asked if I'm part time. It's just assumed I'd give up my (very established) career. However as a family it would have been crazy for me to reduce my hours or stay at home.

I know people who use a nursery near work, however think carefully about this as it makes you fully responsible for drop off and pick up, a habit you may not want to get into.

What's your longer term plan, will he leave the army when his 8 years are up?

[sanityisamyth]

I'm a single mum and work 5.5 days per week, 8- 4.30 3 days, 8-6 2 days and 8.30-12.30 on Saturday. I have a 3yo DS and no family support. Luckily I work term time and DS goes to the nursery connected to my work. It's seriously hard work but I cope by online shopping, making the most of Saturday afternoon and Sunday together and wine!

[LubiLooLoo]

We have to live in Hampshire, we both have to work full time to afford where we live, I have to work in London because there's not a lot of editing to do in Hampshire and it's the commute that will stop me seeing my DS during the week.

I wish my employer would let me work from home!

I feel your pain (minus one child) time travel. I hope you find a balence!

[LubiLooLoo]

I'm afraid the military doesn't really work like that. You are give work for a set number of years, I think my husbands next chance he can leave is 8 years or so away. You are assigned your job and your location of work. That's why there's military housing, because often you don't get a say where you live.