Help! Extremely worried. I can't make DD understand about her rights over her body.

[BeCarefulWithThat]

DD is 6 almost 7. We have had very simple conversations in the past about saying no to anyone who tries to touch her where they shouldn't or to make her touch them. I thought she understood, but an incident this morning has left me very very worried.

DD wanted her toddler sister to give her a cuddle but toddler wasn't having any of it. DD got really angry with her sister and tried to punish her by removing her toy.

I took DD into another room and we had a big cuddle. I explained that if anyone didn't want a cuddle they can say no, including toddler sister and including DD. She said she would never say no to anyone who wanted to cuddle her. I said that it included any kind of touching of the body and that she can and should say no to anyone who wants to touch her in a way she doesn't want. I said that everyone has the right to not be touched if they don't want to be touched and that although DD deserved a cuddle, her sister's right to say she didn't want to cuddle was more important. DD said that "it's only touching bodies, it's not important" and told me I don't know everything (ie my opinion isn't the only one) and most worryingly, she said "I would always let anyone do anything they wanted because I like to be kind and make people happy."

The more I tried to make her understand how important this is the more she argued against me.

I need help! How do I explain this so she understands? Do I need to be more explicit? She is so young and innocent still (even for her age) and I don't know how to pitch it appropriately without scaring her witless. But clearly, what worked when she was 4 is no longer working.

I really need your advice.

[Garlick]

Oh, Strumpers Congrats on finding the right balance with your own child!

[Toffeewhirl]

Strumpers - I'm so sorry . Your son sounds lovely.

[seaoflove]

I was going to suggest the NSPCC Pants campaign as well, but that's more to do with educating children about privacy and inappropriate touch re. their genitals.

I think there are two issues here, OP:

1. Your DD just can't comprehend what you mean by unwanted touch or unwanted hugging. She also seems to be a people pleaser, and would never want to upset someone by rejecting their touch. I can see why you're worried about that, but that can be revisited another day.
   

1. Having a conversation about unwanted touch directly after that incident with her sister possibly made her feel a bit told off, and so she went off on a tangent (well I would never reject a hug!) out of annoyance with her sister, and annoyance with you, for "telling her off" for being, in her opinion, merely loving and kind?
   

Anyway, I'd leave it for a bit and maybe revisit it later.

[BalloonSlayer]

Your DD may not have been able to grasp this concept at the moment as unwanted physical contact is not something she yet understands. However, henceforth, should anyone try to hug her, or anything else, when she doesn't want them to (this will probably just happen at school; someone trying to be affectionate when she is not interested), your words will come back to her and then the penny will drop. She will know that it is OK for her to tell them to leave her alone. You have done a good job with introducing the topic.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I completely understand where you're coming from.

I think the mistake is like pp said- picking the wrong time. She is pulling against what you're saying because she doesn't want to be wrong. I would bring it up in context of something you're reading or watching, and the detachment of it being about other people will really help her understand.

[Vatersay]

It sounds to me as if your DD was arguing solely because she wanted to cuddle her sister and was still making that argument even though of course you had moved on to something else.

You might want to wait for a while and then have the conversation again using examples: if x (boy who she dislikes) wants to cuddle you would you have to say yes? If stranger in the park wants to cuddle you do you have to say yes?
If someone wants to cuddle you in secret should you say yes.

I suspect she felt she was defending her actions with her sister. Have the conversation again after a space of time.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

When you have serious chats with most people during or straight after a conflict situation however minor they tend to take a defensive stance.

It's usually pointless. If you have an important message to get across wait until another time and do not refer to the incident as an example

[bamboostalks]

You're reading way too much into a small incident and projecting from it. Perhaps understandably, given your background. I will just let it go and continue your message of safe touching at appropriate times.

[StrumpersPlunkett]

Ooh just random thing to add
We have told the kids that there is a big difference between a surprise and a secret. Secrets can Always be shared with mummy or daddy surprises are fun things that can be kept private for a short time. ie birthday gifts etc. suprise vs some one has been picking on me secret.