Help! Extremely worried. I can't make DD understand about her rights over her body.

[BeCarefulWithThat]

DD is 6 almost 7. We have had very simple conversations in the past about saying no to anyone who tries to touch her where they shouldn't or to make her touch them. I thought she understood, but an incident this morning has left me very very worried.

DD wanted her toddler sister to give her a cuddle but toddler wasn't having any of it. DD got really angry with her sister and tried to punish her by removing her toy.

I took DD into another room and we had a big cuddle. I explained that if anyone didn't want a cuddle they can say no, including toddler sister and including DD. She said she would never say no to anyone who wanted to cuddle her. I said that it included any kind of touching of the body and that she can and should say no to anyone who wants to touch her in a way she doesn't want. I said that everyone has the right to not be touched if they don't want to be touched and that although DD deserved a cuddle, her sister's right to say she didn't want to cuddle was more important. DD said that "it's only touching bodies, it's not important" and told me I don't know everything (ie my opinion isn't the only one) and most worryingly, she said "I would always let anyone do anything they wanted because I like to be kind and make people happy."

The more I tried to make her understand how important this is the more she argued against me.

I need help! How do I explain this so she understands? Do I need to be more explicit? She is so young and innocent still (even for her age) and I don't know how to pitch it appropriately without scaring her witless. But clearly, what worked when she was 4 is no longer working.

I really need your advice.

[StrumpersPlunkett]

Ooh just random thing to add
We have told the kids that there is a big difference between a surprise and a secret. Secrets can Always be shared with mummy or daddy surprises are fun things that can be kept private for a short time. ie birthday gifts etc. suprise vs some one has been picking on me secret.

[bamboostalks]

You're reading way too much into a small incident and projecting from it. Perhaps understandably, given your background. I will just let it go and continue your message of safe touching at appropriate times.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

When you have serious chats with most people during or straight after a conflict situation however minor they tend to take a defensive stance.

It's usually pointless. If you have an important message to get across wait until another time and do not refer to the incident as an example

[Vatersay]

It sounds to me as if your DD was arguing solely because she wanted to cuddle her sister and was still making that argument even though of course you had moved on to something else.

You might want to wait for a while and then have the conversation again using examples: if x (boy who she dislikes) wants to cuddle you would you have to say yes? If stranger in the park wants to cuddle you do you have to say yes?
If someone wants to cuddle you in secret should you say yes.

I suspect she felt she was defending her actions with her sister. Have the conversation again after a space of time.

[Scarydinosaurs]

I completely understand where you're coming from.

I think the mistake is like pp said- picking the wrong time. She is pulling against what you're saying because she doesn't want to be wrong. I would bring it up in context of something you're reading or watching, and the detachment of it being about other people will really help her understand.

[BalloonSlayer]

Your DD may not have been able to grasp this concept at the moment as unwanted physical contact is not something she yet understands. However, henceforth, should anyone try to hug her, or anything else, when she doesn't want them to (this will probably just happen at school; someone trying to be affectionate when she is not interested), your words will come back to her and then the penny will drop. She will know that it is OK for her to tell them to leave her alone. You have done a good job with introducing the topic.

[seaoflove]

I was going to suggest the NSPCC Pants campaign as well, but that's more to do with educating children about privacy and inappropriate touch re. their genitals.

I think there are two issues here, OP:

1. Your DD just can't comprehend what you mean by unwanted touch or unwanted hugging. She also seems to be a people pleaser, and would never want to upset someone by rejecting their touch. I can see why you're worried about that, but that can be revisited another day.
   

1. Having a conversation about unwanted touch directly after that incident with her sister possibly made her feel a bit told off, and so she went off on a tangent (well I would never reject a hug!) out of annoyance with her sister, and annoyance with you, for "telling her off" for being, in her opinion, merely loving and kind?
   

Anyway, I'd leave it for a bit and maybe revisit it later.

[Toffeewhirl]

Strumpers - I'm so sorry . Your son sounds lovely.

[Garlick]

Oh, Strumpers Congrats on finding the right balance with your own child!

[StrumpersPlunkett]

We have this with ds2 who is nearly 9 he is a cuddle monster. He runs up and cuddles the football coach. Cubs leader headmaster teachers etc
I have talked to him about the fact that they are not allowed to hug him back so it is actually kinder for him to not hug them as then they don't feel uncomfortable
His dad is a scout leader so we have talked about the rules daddy has to observe
He lives cuddles and physical closeness with anyone. He has yet to grasp that others are not enjoying it as much as he is. Even though I have talked endlessly to him about it. (Bug bear if mine as u was raped as a child)

[Garlick]

which is actually body autonomy ... its consent.

Yes, the point at that moment was DD2's consent. Everybody's allowed not to want a cuddle. That's okay, we don't force people to be cuddled.

Then there will be some other moment when she doesn't want a cuddle/kiss, and that's where you get your reinforcement :)

[squizita]

It sounds like she is thinking purely in terms of sibling hugs ... ie she would stop playing to give a hug out of kindness. Not at all what you are worried about.
I don't think if someone nasty was asking her to do something she would do it out of kindness.
She was talking about the situation then and there ... ie that she would stop play to hug a relative (which is actually body autonomy ... its consent. You don't want to confuse her into thinking touch is bad either).

[applecore0317]

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/keeping-children-safe/underwear-rule/

[applecore0317]

The NSPCC talking pants campaign helps to explain, if you google it it will take you to the page on their website which helps to teach children that privates are private in a way they can understand without being explicit.

[BertrandRussell]

"Of course I know the parents - does quietlysuggests think I'm sending my DD to play with complete strangers?"

I think you should just regard quietlysuggests as an anomaly and read what everyone ip else is saying.

[Hellionandfriends]

She thinks all people are trusting and have nice motives. What you've said will stay with her and you will lead by example I'm sure. In the meantime maybe you could talk about speaking up with unhappy

[spanisharmada]

I think as others have said she just has no grasp of what you're trying to get at, as happily she hasn't had any negative experiences. I've had similar chats with DD about respecting personal space etc, neither of them really 'got' it, until a boy at school stuck his hand up DD1's skirt and touched her. They get it now.

[Mrsjayy]

I think you are getting wires crossed with her and saying two different things,
her sister didnt want a cuddle and got annoyed you should have said to her that sister didnt want cuddles and to upset sister was wrong and annoyed her but instead you went into other people touching dd
i think you are overloading her with information and confusing her and that is why she got frustrated with you you need to keep it simple ime

[BeCarefulWithThat]

Of course I know the parents - does quietlysuggests think I'm sending my DD to play with complete strangers?

[PerspicaciaTick]

The difficulty is that you are talking about uncomfortable touching and hugging, contact that makes the child feel uncomfortable and which they need to know it is OK to refuse. But your DD has no personal experience of this, she enjoys all cuddling at the moment and can't imagine what unwelcome touching is.
Could you talk through some age appropriate scenarios which she might recognise? What if she was busy doing some writing/drawing and her little sister kept trying to force her to stop for cuddles? What if mummy was wearing an itchy jumper that was nasty to cuddle? What if she was playing with a friend but another classmate kept trying to get her attention by grabbing her arm and interrupting the game?

[LIZS]

But surely at that age you know the parents at least in passing. Can you invite over first , perhaps with parent/carer? I do think you are reflecting on your own experience, you were a victim so caution is understandable. However using a dispute over a cuddle with her little sister to make a point about strangers is a big leap for a 6 year.

[BertrandRussell]

"Everyone's allowed to say" not "has the right to say" -sorry.

[BertrandRussell]

Of course she's going to say that when she wanted a cuddle from her sister, and her sister didn't want to! You probably should have said "Jane doesn't want a cuddle at the moment and that's fine. Everybody has the right to say whether they want a cuddle or not. Shall we do this jigsaw?"

Watch for an opportunity to say it the other way round- if little sister wants to hold her hand or sit on her lap or something and she doesn't.

I wouldn't worry about it- you had the conversation at the wrong time, that's all.

And of course she can go on play dates and have friends home.

[BeCarefulWithThat]

stop the play dates with people you don't know

Really? So should she not be going to her school friends' houses at all? Should I not invite them here either? How do you define people you don't know? Do other people not allow their 6/7 year olds to go on play dates with school friends?