Not coping well with the terrible twos

[Sunshine567]

My dd is 26months and has started the terrible twos. I'm really struggling to the point where I don't want to go anywhere. Everywhere we go turns into a nightmare. We can have a nice day at the park or swimming or soft play and as soon as we start to leave she starts the screaming and lying down and won't move. I don't even have the strength to lift her sometimes coz she hits out and it's hard to hold while dodging the blows. This can last for about 45mins at times. We can't even go to a supermarket because as soon as she sees a trolley she starts screaming. So I either have to leave her with my partner or need to make sure someone's with me. She only has about 6 words which I think also doesn't help as she gets really frustrated when we don't understand her and can take to biting herself. She seems to listen to my partner more than me. I always seem to the bad guy. I've tried ignoring her, being nice, shouting and nothing works. Bathtime the other night was awful. She refused to go in. She stood screaming and hitting me while I got upset and sat and cried. I feel like a total failure.

That's so cute minitoot.

We used to have a chair - not a naughty corner, but a cosy corner with blankets, soft toys, books etc for them to snuggle in until they felt better if they had a tantrum brewing. It really worked and they'd do the same as your DS - come trotting in to say they felt better now. I let them be the judge of when they were calm again and ready to get down and rejoin the world.

I think my dd may be a different breed. Nothing is consistent with her. I've tried the choices, I've tried giving her hugs or ignoring or saying when you feel more calm I'll be here and nothing. My dd doesn't even have the words to say I feel better now. I've tried '5more mins' when we're out and then we need to go home. You can watch such and such or we can get a magazine or you can have a treat and nothing. It's always no no no. Things I know she normally loves and expect her to jump at she says no to and I think bugger that was my bargaining tool.
I had another bad bedtime but had a wave of calmess wash over me when she refused to get her pjs on and insisted on running about the room naked crying. After half an hour the calmess disappeared and it was a struggle dressing her. Then just as I'm putting her to bed she gives me a big hug and kiss without even asking and I think how can this be the same child??

I love that idea! I might try that. I tried 'naughty step' but he just goes out of it. Actually we have one of those IKEA egg children's chairs (you can close the hood completely so it makes a coccoon type thing) that might work really well for that.

I think I have one the same breed as yours sunshine ...no two days have the same thing working and with limited language like your little one its hard to bargain with them and get them to understand. My little one also has a tendency to hit out or push people who are using things he wants so I'm constantly removing him and apologising which is rather we embarrassing!! Saying that today we went t the park and I warned him we would be leaving in 5 mins and then again in two mins and then said ohhh let's go home and watch TV and get a drink , picked him up quick and straight in the buggy and said to say bye park and wave as we left saying see you again soon....and it worked and aswe went off quickly iI said that was nice and didn't we have a good time so we can come here again!!! Don't know what he understood but it worked..phew ( I'm sure tom will b a different story) oh and gave a snack as we left t distract! Hope that maybe helps:) but its tough x

Lol boooboop yes rice cakes night not cut it here either...now crisps on the other hand maybe at a push! I think we should start a regular thread to share terrible tantrum scenarios to help each other fight through this trauma;) it is certainly helping me by reading to know I'm not alone :)

And its nice t hear some honesty:) I also hate going places with my 2.5 year old in fear of what lies ahead!!!

I think the exact same boooboop - I dread going places with dd myself. I live for my weekends with her but then when my partner is out I think God I can't even face going anywhere public. We live in a flat so share a garden but going downstairs to hang out a washing is bad enough. Can be a screaming match trying to get her back upstairs.

And I totally agree nessawh123 about it being hard to bargain with their limited language. She understands what I'm saying to her but all she can really say is no, yes, mummy and daddy so no is word of choice.
I love how I'm seeing other ppl share the same experiences as I honestly thought it was just me. Friends with older kids have either blocked it out (and i don't blame them!) or the ones with younger kids have yet to experience it. Or there's ones who claim they don't get it at all

For getting out the park I found "The Grand Old Duke of York" was a winner. March along to it and they would follow me anywhere. I have twins so a lot of the time that means pandering ruling by consent.

And for buggy/car seat - tickle them. They still don't like it but it's very hard to plank when you're being tickled!

It also sounds like your DH is getting quite an easy ride. Arrange yourself some stuff to do, cinema or whatever if you don't have many friends around. Book the ticket. Loads of blokes (my DH included) just sort of squeak past by not taking more responsibility than they can avoid, but if you start claiming back your fair share of down time he can hardly complain.

Also mine used to yell the whole way down the road from nursery to the house. God it was embarassing.

Healthy snacks for feeding into them while they play so they don't get a low blood sugar tantrum brewing. Unhealthy snacks for bribes to get them to places they don't want to be. Mind you, my two were weird. They loved rice cakes. so do I

I feel your pain. Dd is 2 next week and the tantrums are starting. I think I find it hard as no previous child experience and I just get so embarrassed. And harassed when I am somewhere e.g. Supermarket that I just have to get done.
One thing a friend of mine suggested which works well for us is saying, "bye bye" and waving to the park/ TVs/soft play/ wherever they don't want leave. Sounds simple but even with limited language, they get the concept of saying goodbye. Don't know exactly why it works but seems to have prevented meltdowns here.
OP - I think you are doing really well, it's just a looooonnng painful phase, but you definitely need more help! And some downtime, or else you will start to feel down/guilty/tired and that's not fair on you.
And karma will come to bite the smug mummies in the arse....I hope.

Yes I'm finding saying bye t everything helps actually :) x

I've tried saying bye bye when we leave somewhere and it only worked for a few weeks. I thinks she gets wise to my strategies!
I must say I've felt better this week being able to moan about it on this post. I had an evening off tonight and she had been tantruming as soon as I got her out of the car after I picked her up from work (actually managed to get her in the car seat this time but was a struggle getting her out!) but I felt a lot calmer because I knew I was going out. Think this must be how my partner seems a lot calmer than me.

Yep, we always play bunnies when we leave the park, because she loves being chased. (Doesn't always work, sometimes she falls - but when it does work it's great). We have to spend about 5 minutes saying goodbye to the sink every time we leave it. For big tantrums, reading a book to her is the best thing, (also works on 8 year old brother). Cat in the Hat stopped a major hissy fit the other day.

I let mine climb up into the car seat herself, she seems happier to get in that way. If she's acting up and refuses to get in I just hold her in with one hand and put the straps on with the other.

As for public tantrums, just try not to get flustered (easier said than done I know!).

I'm considering a toddler sling for my DD, she runs away if walking, or falls to the ground and refuses to walk and climbs out of her buggy, even when it's moving, but she's too heavy to carry for long. Does anyone have any recommendations - I'd want her on my front or side.

I've not tried reading a book angry princess! Why have I not thought of that?! I'm obviously not excited about the thought of her next tantrum but would be interesting to see if that works.
How old is your dd Theauthoress? I very rarely use her buggy now at all as she refuses to go in it (although she'll sit in fine for my mum when she has her). So it's walking and reins for us now although surprise surprise she can tantrum about the reins too because she wants to hold them and take herself for a walk!

Sunshine, I can't help with the tantrums as mine is younger but you really do need to go out without toddler and leave her with partner - you say that he might feel guilty about leaving her too, but he's still going out regardless isn't he?
I ended up in a situation when ours was younger where my husband was out two nights a week and had two long lie ins at the weekend and I had no time away at all and I felt very resentful. It feels more even now that I go out one night a week too and have one lie-in at the weekend.
Although I was dealing with different issues than you are at the moment (sleep deprivation/endless feeding/poo) a bit of time away really did make me feel a lot calmer and less stressed.

We are in this phase too and are mainly going with positive distraction so why don't you put your shoes nicley rather than stop throwing your shoes around, and if he carrys on tell him to stop, and then the ultimatum of stop or go to bed (we time out in his sisters cot).
Weirdly most of his tantrums are when he stops himself doing something, so he knows he can't leave the garden but really wants to so stands at the edge of the garden telling himself no and crying.

The only thing that helps (on my third one now) is to ride it out and remember that whatever you let them do at this age will not impact on their development into nice, normal people - conversely if you whack them or get really angry, that might have a negative impact.

Knowing it will end is the holy grail, I didn't know that with ds1. This time I know I can afford to be lackadaisical about it 'Oh dear ds, never mind, let's just mop up the yogurt/put the TV back on the table/try and get this pen off the sofa.'

rather than losing the plot or trying some Godforsaken punishment routine that will never, ever work.

Just let it go - containment of said child, calm reactions, distraction - always works - shall we go and find the chocolate buttons - shall we go and open that box and see what's in it - anything really. They can change mood in an instant.

Put everything fragile well out of reach, be firm but gentle with anything critical (car seats - though bribes usually do the trick, always have a stock of something nice) and just count down the days till they grow a sense of proportion

Shopping is the hardest thing imo - we get around 10 minutes in the supermarket if we are lucky before everyone is tired of running after him. Trolleys do not contain this child - we've given up on that.

He likes his reins though (miracle)
Good luck
don't panic

it does get better hun

Nessa I'm so glad you wrote about the pushing others away if they want to play on the same thing. My dd (2.5 years) does this while screaming no and crying very loudly. The playground is her particular trigger at the moment. It's so mortifying. I think we shall give up the playground for a while, which is a shame, but it just seems to set her off every time. It's good to hear others are having similar experiences, I sympathise deeply with everyone else dealing with two year olds.

When your dc's are tantruming and you're trying to reason with them or distract them can anyone's dc hear you? I think my dd may be the loudest screamer ever. My gran who is a bit deaf always gets a fright when dd has a tantrum in her company. My sis in law laughs and thinks it's the weirdest thing coz she's so placid and sweet one minute and she can't believe the noise can come out of her when she is in a tantrum. I can't talk when she's tantruming. I need to shout for her to hear but then I'm shouting.
I had plans this weekend which I was so looking forward to - an afternoon away and now it's been cancelled and I could cry.
I think you're right susanmichelson I think I need to just ride it out and hold on to the fact it can't last forever although sometimes it feels like it might!

I know it sounds impossible but try as hard as you can not to engage with the tantrums.

I had a similar experience with dd1. I then had dc2 (ds) who has literally never had a tantrum, no word of a lie.

My dd2 is similar in temperament to dd1. However she is the youngest of 3 and I have very little support now (basically none other than a dh who works long hours!) so she has to get on with life. If she is having a tantrum I literally don't have time to entertain her; I have to be in certain places at certain times such as school run. If we are in the supermarket we have to get a massive trolley full of food and be out within an hour, so dd2 is much easier managed!

Tbh I think she is better off for it. I was always a bit scared of the enormity of dd1s anger but dd2s just washes over me. I speak calmly and put her where she needs to be (ie in the trolley seat or in the car seat) and know that she will calm down in a matter of seconds, once she feels that I have contained her feelings.

Difficult to do with a first child but worth a try!

your not coping with the terrible twos, I have to children of my own, aged 5 and 18, and two step children aged 9 and 11, my 5yr old is a little s#@t, but I love him, 2yr olds aren't to bad, it's call terrible 2s for a reason, but you get even worse 3s, doesn't get any easier as they get older .

Thanks nov1377 I was holding on to the fact that it won't last forever. You've totally shattered my illusion. Gutted!
Guess I'll just need to accept the fact that's it's another 16 years of hell and I need better coping strategies