Not coping well with the terrible twos

[Sunshine567]

My dd is 26months and has started the terrible twos. I'm really struggling to the point where I don't want to go anywhere. Everywhere we go turns into a nightmare. We can have a nice day at the park or swimming or soft play and as soon as we start to leave she starts the screaming and lying down and won't move. I don't even have the strength to lift her sometimes coz she hits out and it's hard to hold while dodging the blows. This can last for about 45mins at times. We can't even go to a supermarket because as soon as she sees a trolley she starts screaming. So I either have to leave her with my partner or need to make sure someone's with me. She only has about 6 words which I think also doesn't help as she gets really frustrated when we don't understand her and can take to biting herself. She seems to listen to my partner more than me. I always seem to the bad guy. I've tried ignoring her, being nice, shouting and nothing works. Bathtime the other night was awful. She refused to go in. She stood screaming and hitting me while I got upset and sat and cried. I feel like a total failure.

[Sunshine567]

Yeah I think I need to do the same by keep trying. We can go to a soft play or park and she's an angel when we're there. She loves playing with other kids. I sometimes worry that she's too gentle and let's the other kids shove her about (not that I want her to start a fight!) But that's why I always get shocked when we leave because she totally turns and becomes so angry. I'm going to try the park or soft play this weekend and see what happens! I'll dread it but I'll do it and hope for the best

[NessaWH123]

I find parks and soft play great as my little one has so much more freedom id def keep at it ...good luck for this week it will get better that'swhat i tell myself

[Sunshine567]

Thank you! Good luck at baby gym! It has to get better! Don't think it's possible to get worse!

[NessaWH123]

I'll drink to that. ;) thanks. Let us know how you get on

[qumquat]

You sound like you desperately need a break. A late night trip round tesco doesn't count! Dp and I aim for one night out/afternoon off each week. It's not fair that he goes out twice a week and at the weekend and you can't. No wonder he can cope fine with the tantrums he's barely there. Can you plan a day out for yourself? It doesn't have to be meeting friends, alone time can be wonderful.

[Wishful80sMontage]

I've been going through the same with my dd for months, I posted recently about an epic tantrum where we were stuck outside tescos and I was trying to get her into her car seat for over half and hour :(
I've been trying to improve things desperately as I'm pregnant and want to be able to calm the tantrums before I'm massive or new baby here.
Our tantrums are nearly always caused by her not wanting to leave an activity or place/or shopping. I've just had to nip it in the bud before it starts she has to go in shopping trolly now (I can't control her and carry a basket doesn't work), she helps me with shopping I pass stuff to her to drop into trolly, and if desperate ill pick a stickers magazine or something for her to look through as we go round.
If I've got to get her out of somewhere I've been doing countdowns beforehand 'we're going in 5 mins' '2 mins' etc, then get everything gathered up ready to just leave I think I faffed a bit much before, and Offer snack or other distraction as your leaving. Its been better we still have tantrums but not as bad or as long as before and I am managing to get my shopping actually done now.

[Bikegirl77]

Have you had a good day Sunshine?

[Sunshine567]

I had a good night last night! Just me and dd and we were tantrum free. Could feel one come on and managed to distract her with jigsaws and Mr tumble! Not sure if it'll work every time though.
I've tried the sitting in the shopping trolley on the seat. Nooo! Tried sitting in the actual shopping trolley itself. Nooo!!! Tried walking with her and carrying basket but no she wants to carry the basket so that becomes an issue. I've tried getting her to help put things in but only works for so long. And magazines don't work. So I'm going to settle for late night shopping or online shopping.
On the nights I could go out I feel bad about leaving my partner because it's not fair to leave someone alone with her tantrums but guess I can't have it both ways.
I need to think of something to do. Don't even know what I did in my spare time before dd

[NessaWH123]

Don't blame you save the hassle and stress and go late night or online shopping for now I say...that's what I do and hopefully in time that can change ...whatever gets u through I reckon.:) if I ever get a spare few hours (not many!!) I try to meet for a civilised meal with a friend! Or treat myself to my nails done, bit of retail therapy or even a quiet drink in z coffee shop watching on as mother's battle with their own children feeling blessed its not me for a change;)) !

[Janeymoo50]

Would this help maybe when you are out shopping? I know it means taking it with you but you never know.

[qumquat]

Why do you feel guilty about leaving your dp alone with your dd? Is he not her father? Even if he's her step dad he's presumably taken on some kind of parental responsibility for her? Sorry I know nothing about tantrums as dd not at that stage yet but what's screaming out at me from your posts is that you are trying to cope with this all alone. Does your dp know how much you are struggling?

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

I'm not sure if someone has already said this, apologies if they have, but when our eldest went through this, we started giving her two choices eg 'Do you want to get in the bath by yourself, or do you want Mummy to put you in?', 'Do you want to wear this outfit, or this outfit?', 'Do you want to try to put on your shoes by yourself, or would you like Mummy to help?' etc. The idea is that they accept that the thing is going to happen but they feel they have some control over how it happens. It doesn't work for everyone, it doesn't suit everyone, some people find it a bit of a faff, but it worked for us. DD was much less awkward if we did that. She's 10 now and still a bit stroppy. It still works with our 4 year old when necessary.

[TiredOfPeople]

My DS is 25 months and has been having the "terrible twos" since he was 14 months old. It's been HELL....depressing, awful, hell. The worst bit is the judging from other mother's who have perfect little children (pre-terrible twos) who are nasty/smug/judgemental when they see someone elses toddler having a tantrum/being a normal toddler. I've coped with it by not going to any soft play or toddler groups, making sure he's always fed/have snacks and drinks in my bag, and since he's started to refuse his daytime nap I won't go out in the afternoon as he just won't be managable out and about (I have a 9 month old DD too to have to think about). He's become SOmuch better though recently since he's started to be able to communicate with us more, though he still can't talk much.

[withaspongeandarustyspanner]

Don't pay any attention to the the mothers. Their turn will come. Believe me. I have 4 DCs, I've had my children complained about at toddler groups by mothers of one younger child and I have sat back and watched their DCs do exactly the same thing.

[NessaWH123]

I second the above advise ...hope things get better soon and in the mean time sod what the judgemental other mothers say...I often feel like this with my little one but I have to get out of the house still or I would go insane!! I work full time so same as you get the rough end of the day and just weekends so it feels extra tough but I'm finding with my little one as tiredofpeople says give choices that still mean they are doing what u have asked

[TiredOfPeople]

He's currently having a massive meltdown because I don't understand what he wants. I'm sitting here crying. I love him, but I hate this toddler stage so fucking much.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

What would you do if it was an adult having a tantrum? Seriously you would just laugh at them being daft. You dont have to solve the tantrum. It maybe because they wanted a treat, bit when in that zone, they totally forget what they wanted, and any suggestion will be met with stubborn NO. So let them get on with it, as long as they are safe, and say ,, when you`ve finished you are getting in the bath/carseat. That way they know the tantrum isnt going to affect the outcome. Carseats ... put your arm across their chest, grab belts and do quick. Quicker the better. No talking no messing.

[NessaWH123]

I know what u mean tired of people it's bloody hard. Just remember you are a good mum and trying the best you can sometimes nothing you can do is good enough for the little buggers

[Sunshine567]

Yeah qumquat he is the dad. I'd feel guilty about leaving her with anyone if she was having a tantrum. I hate it so wouldn't want anyone else to have to go through it. I'd hope he feels slightly bad about going out and leaving me too if she was having a bad day. Not that I'd expect him to not go or vice versa if it was me going out.

Tiredofpeople I understand you completely! I then feel bad about crying infront of her coz I don't want her to get upset. It's a vicious circle. I'm hoping when she's able to speak more or if I'm able to understand more it will get better. She's started doing makaton which will hopefully help a bit.
I have plans for tomorrow evening so I'm looking forward to that and I must say it's made me feel a lot better and like I can cope a bit better. I hope I haven't jinxed bedtime tonight though!

[OhPuddleducks]

Leaving places used to set my DD off. She had (still has!) the loudest tantrum voice I've ever heard (some "friends" have helpfully confirmed that she is deafeningly loud) and for that reason alone I used to dread her falling off the deep edge. I started saying "you can do five more things and then we're going to go and (insert something fun, even if it isn't eg if I needed to go to the shops I'd say we were going to choose lots of things in the supermarket and if she helped I would buy her a magazine or treat or something) and then remind her after each thing she chose to do. So if we were at the park and she went down the slide, I'd say, "that was one thing, four to go and then we'll do..." Tedious but it worked. She's nearly four now and I do it automatically.

She was tough from 2 until about 2.9. I really thought it was never going to end and that I'd colossally messed up, but she's lovely again now and matches up with the lovely little baby personality that I thought I'd ruined.

Oh and the smug friends' children have all gone through it now too, just later than we did. Not so smug now!

[minitoot]

Just to say I really sympathise. Mine is now 3 and is coming out the other side of tantrums (I think / hope). But he used to be exactly the same and I felt exactly the same. I have no patience either, which makes it worse. I'd spend 5 mins trying to get him in the car seat, then put him in there physically. Which works, but does involve physical force. I'm not recommending it - just sharing my experience. We also had the thing where he is totally fine at nursery and then tantrummy with us. I think it is because he feels safe with us, so can behave badly because he doesn't fear abandonment or something.

[minitoot]

Giving choices worked for us for a bit but I think it's not as effective now - I'll say 'do you want your red coat or your green coat' and he'll say 'I don't want to go out.' :)

[janetandroysdaughter]

OP (not read whole thread sorry)

My trick was never to get them to leave something they loved but to go on to something they also wanted.
So wait till there's a lull at soft play and then say 'Let me know when you want to go home to have cake/ watch favourite cartoon.' That way they have something to look forward to.

General survival tips were:
Do something outside the house every day.
Speak to adults every day - meet ups at the park/soft play/ in a café while they are napping in buggies etc all good.
Always have healthy snacks (rice cakes, chopped fruit, veg and cheese etc) with you as well as a spare change of clothes, nappies, baby wipes and mini first aid kit of antihistamine cream, Savlon, plasters, calpol sachet and arnica cream. That lot fitted easily into a small nappy bag and meant they were never in physical discomfort, (which ime was what caused a meltdown)
The TV (or computer) as a nanny for two hours a day is FINE. Put on a DVD and make a cup of tea at the dead time of day when you are knackered but tea/bath/bed/grown ups dinner/bath/laundry/chores still loom.

[janetandroysdaughter]

minitoot - there is another trick if the choices one stops working. It's agreeing with them. They don't expect it. They say 'I don't want to go out' and you say 'I know. Wouldn't it be lovely to stay and play with your toys all day?(or whatever it is they are doing.) Then ask a question about what they are doing that they want to keep doing and listen, then say 'OK. Well unfortunately first we have to go shopping/to see granny etc but as soon as we come home you can have an extra hour with Lego/DVD as long as we get out now, quickly.' Then offer a choice e.g. Do you want a snack/drink/book/blanket for the journey?

That worked for me when nothing else did. I used it for years.

[minitoot]

Good tip Janet&roysdaughter. I do find generally sympathising with him works really well - actually (I hope this doesn't sound really earth motherish as I am NOT :) ) what has worked best is, when he has a tantrum, saying 'Let's have a hug,' or similar - basically acknowledging that he feels miserable (which he does) and giving him sympathy (but not the toy/lethal object/whatever he's tantrumming about!). It works more or less instantly, I think because the truth is he's not tantrumming about the toy/leaving the playground/whatever - he's tantrumming because he feels unhappy and angry. So if you say, 'yeah, you feel sad and angry, I'm sorry you feel sad and angry, lets's hug,' then he feels better. And then asking him to calm down. If necessary, saying 'I'm not going to talk to you till you've calmed down.' Or 'I'm going in the next room till you've calmed down.' Nowadays, when he gets angry, he comes and announces, 'I've calmed down now,' once he has.