Things the Parenting Books will NEVER tell you!

[Cooki3Monst3r]

I thought it would be fun to start a thread on those secret, unspoken little woes of parenthood that no book will ever tell you about!!

If you could, what would you tell your pre-baby self?

I would tell myself that those little foibles my babies developed at 10 weeks that seemed so cute at the time - DD playing with my hair, DS stroking my eyelashes - are abso-fucking-lutely NOT cute 2 years down the line when you've got a bald patch and bleeding eyeballs!

(is it just me that gets mauled by their kids?)

Ha yes, debbriana, I now have stupid tufts of hair sticking out where it is growing back.

They should come with a big warning - Your baby has not read this book!

For me it was that the baby doesn't care how much milk they are meant to need, and that screaming he does, non stop after 9oz is because he needs more food.

And don't compare to other people's babies/toddlers - ever. If yours is faster or slower to learn things is probably chance rather than your brillant parenting skills.

That winging it is actually ok, the vast majority of babies grow up to be perfectly healthy adults regardless of being stimulated in the appropriate way, if they watched TV at a young age or not etc etc.
I guess a book that said that wouldn't sell very well though.

Don't buy one!

That babies have personalities which affect their behaviour and preferences.

This is because they are actually people. Not lumps of plasticine to be moulded.

You have much less influence on them than the baby books make you think. But they'll never tell you that.

When you have DC2 you will realise in horror how needlessly stressed you were with PFB, worrying about the long term impact of every little thing you did, now you see that his/her personality was the main driver behind most of the behaviour.

That, all going well, you will sometimes feel in helpless awe of this absolutely beautiful creature that is running around being so completely and amazingly gorgeous without even realising it. And that that makes all the shit (literal and otherwise) worth it.

That the overwhelming love you feel for your child will carry you through the sleepless nights, the vomit and the explosive pants. Hopefully. The love is pretty awesome though.

I thought the parenting philosophy came first and the baby second. All those people who were co-sleeping, sling-wearing, never put the baby down, etc., were doing it because they bought into all that attachment parenting stuff.

Then DD came along and I discovered that some babies don't want to put down at all ever. Moses basket? Screaming. Pram? Screaming. Car seat? Screaming. So she spent her first 6 months being held and I learnt to love the bedside cot and the sling.

I bought a Baby Whisperer book before she was born, forgot about it when she arrived, picked it up again when she was a few months and just laughed at how much we were doing 'wrong'.

Don't let yourself get stressed out over this vs that and one way vs another way. The choices all achieve pretty much the same end result and once you get past the age of around 2yo no one gives much of a shit whether you did FF or BF, puree or BLW, coslept or used a cot, etc etc etc.

Pick one way. If it works for you, brilliant. If it doesn't, try another way.

debbriana & amummyatlast hormonal hair loss?! That's another previously unknown horror to me.

What has totally taken me by surprise is that my children don't do what I tell ask them to. Sometimes they even point blank ignore me. A complete shocker that one.

pterodactual oh that bloody baby whisperer woman!!!! The months I lost planning life around EASY

I think writing a parenting book should be illegal unless you have considerable qualifications in child health / development / psychology. And even then only if the 'advice' is backed up by solid scientific studies. I don't mean an NVQ

I didn't really read parenting books. I decided to go with the flow and have no expectations therefore I wouldn't be disappointed when I didn't get a full nights sleep for soooooo long. I wasn't...just very very tired ??

My DC's are the most wonderful loving children who I love with all my heart. I look forward every day to picking them up from school. They are also the most annoying frustrating little shits on the planet and I want to bash my head against the wall by the time we get home from school ?? being a mum is the best job ever.

You will never have enough time to do even half of what you need toin a day...

Things on your pre-baby to-do list will still be there when they're teenagers.

Babies aren't a great way to make new friends. You'll make lots of new acquaintances but will not
have time to develop real new friendships.

Toddlers walk slowly and are heavy to carry!

You'll forever be covered in stains - milk, food, poo, sick, dribble, snot, mud (from their shoes when they can walk but don't want to anymore)

It's normal for babies and toddlers to have totally different sleep patterns to adults. Normal but not convenient. Some babies are great sleepers but most aren't and that's normal, if exhausting.

Being a parent is emotionally, mentally and physically demanding.

But being a parent is really wonderful too and watching a new human unfold and develop before your eyes is incredible. You'll never have known love like it before.

Had my first baby at 20 years old and my second at 40 (Mind the gap!) At 20 I felt totally useless and thought everyone else was doing a far better job than me. Everyone else seemed to know all the answers. At 40, I realised that nobody knows all the answers - not even the doctors or the health visitors (or the MIL!!!). It's a bit of instinct, a bit of advice, a bit of reading, accepting/asking for help, learning from mistakes and a lot of 'seat of your pants' stuff!!

Oh, and, for me - having children at 40 was much, much more relaxed and much more fun. I didn't even know who I was at 20 - let alone trying to understand a brand new person. It's also easier to stick up for yourself in the face of unwanted advice when you are a little older. I enjoyed it so much second time around that I went on to have a third at 42 and fourth at 44!

• That it will become hard to have a bath or use the toilet alone again
• You cant keep toiletries or nice things in the bathroom
• That you will never be able to sit and watch a film in silence ever again,
• Can't have nice treats for yourself because if child sniffs it out its hers
• You will never sleep the same way again ( even when they sleep all night, I sleep like I'm waiting for sound and my eyes pop open at a pin drop)
• I cant have my bottom windows open in 30c weather
• I will never go shopping without having to take child to toilets
• My car wont ever be clean for another 5 years - ish
• Everytime you use the phone your child turns into the devil
• When I try to have adult conversations my child shouts 'mum, mum,mum,muuum speak to me'
• Night terrors, constipation, sleep problems, child who sleeps during day and awake at night, hand foot and mouth disease, cradle crap, chicken pox, projectile vomit, diarrheoa all over the sofa, cot and bed, in her car seat. Chocolate all over the walls and car windows, nothing will ever be white again, the dog will never be able to live peace, the list could go on. BUT I WOULDNT CHANGE IT FOR THE WORLD btw. :)

I think it probably is a good thing I can't tell my pre-baby self how hard looking after a baby can be. I probably would have scared myself off and never had any (in the end I had three though, and wouldn't change it for the world).

I would tell myself that there is no "getting back to normal" after the birth of your first baby. I envisaged that this would happen before having my firstborn. I would happily carry on with life as before whilst she slept peacefully in the corner or played happily and amused herself. Who was I kidding? I'm glad I never voiced those thoughts in front of other mums, or I'd have been laughed out of town.

I would also tell myself that it does get easier, and you adapt as time goes on.

Parenting books never tell how life is away from the ideal. They don't tell you how to cope with domestic violence. What to do if you find yourself homeless with a baby after fleeing domestic violence. How to struggle with poverty.

It's no wonder many women suffer depression when the don't feel they live up to the ideal set in many parenting books.

All parenting books and women focus on the baby and pre-school years. I'm sorry to say but I have not found it easier at all later on. In fact ,now my children are nearly 11, 9 and almost 8 ( I had 3 in 3 years) I think it is twice as hard as when they were young. The demands are just as much, just their needs change.

1.You have 10 times more washing- PE, uniform, ( scouts in my case and Girls Brigade)
2.endless h/w
3.taking them to activities, taxi, ferrying them around

1. social events with their friends leaving far less time at the weekend for you and partner ( or just you)
2. Little private time for you as a couple and conversations between you and your partner are overheard, the kids constantly ask questions.
3. Still can't go to the loo easily- the just make SOOO much noise!!
4. Constantly demanding attention for school work, chit chat, friendships, advise.

9.Cooking and clearing up for 5 every night and making packed lunches for 3 every day is a real stress and the kitchen is permanently being cleaned or tidied by me. 10. They make massive amounts of mess just everywhere- toys, books, food, homework projects, spellings, maths books, etc 11 Storage space for all their stuff- they bring home so much paper, work every day and it all accumulates into huge piles no matter how much I organise. School pics, all their work from last year, cards, just everything that you have to organise for them -seasonal clothes , school trips etc, 13. The school run which goes on for years and years and years 14. The recycling- tons of it!

I look back at the early years and think what a doddle it all was and I almost died with my son, had 1 emergency c-sections and 1 assisted delivery. No family help, done everything myself. I'm knackered all the time, and don't hardly see 'me' at all anymore. I get no space really.

OMG my children 'mum mum mum' me every 5 seconds! Rant over! I wish in heaven I had known what was ahead. I don't think though I would have had more than one I must admit.

That Relate research shows that 97 per cent of couples experience a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction during the first few years of child rearing. So you aren't having some sort of totally unexpected crisis you are actually quite boringly normal.

Other than all the obvious reasons why this might be the case, the biggest whammy will probably be the horrifying realisation that your DP is sexist. Really sexist.

Not that he is poking you in the eye and telling you to don't a frilly apron and get back to the kitchen. But the volume of work he is prepared to do will probably be way below the 50:50 you expected.

Sick kids, dirty floors, washing, present buying, play date booking... the Lion's share will keep falling in your lap (even if you work f/t) unless you push back HARD. And keep pushing. It is depressing to find chauvinism alive and well in your own marriage. Even when your DH studied feminism at uni FFS!

Oh, Ocelot, I'd forgotten the sexism thing! When out for the day, baby needs complete change of clothes due to explosive poo - DH "Did you remember to pack a spare vest?" Anything that was forgotten was my fault. This, btw, is at the weekend when nobody had the work excuse as a get out clause! Also, the getting up at all hours for crying/illness/hunger etc was all down to me - weekends, holidays, days when I was ill. The excuse - "Well, I go out to work every day." Yes, and your day starts at 7.30 and ends at 6. Mine is 24 hours a day! He even refused to bathe his first child as she "didn't like the water and cried." Hmmmmmmm. I wonder why I'm single.......?

We have worked through it and (I hope) are stronger for it, but when the menfolk aren't willing to do that it is often game over. I guess I was naive to expect gender socialisation not to go as deep as it does. I don't know why Relate don't have that kind of stuff on their info pamphlets?

It is so common in my conversations with my female friends, firstly just how unfair the whole thing is, secondly how permanently knackered they are and thirdly, the shock because they never expected their charming, considerate DH would be like this.

From my male friends there seems a (very handy) belief that actually there isn't that much work, women should just cut more corners. I personally recommend going away for work maybe 2 or 3 nights once or twice a year and leaving him to it. Make sure at least one of those involves a weekend.

Sounds a but brutal but he does, he gets. He doesn't do, he doesn't get...

That the sleep deprivation can go on and on.... And on... Not for months but years and years! My pre child self would have been shocked to know that. It's probably for the best she didn't!

And Yes to the sexism thing. Before the baby comes you think of course you're going to be equals in parenting.

But then suddenly you may find yourself living the life of a 50s housewife wondering what the hell happened to equality.

GypsyGirl you're making me hyperventilate with the impending doom of the The School Years here!!

I must remember to enjoy the next 9 months of 8am mornings and greeting the postman in PJs and daily crisis involving glue and glitter.

I will howl like an unfed baby when I realise these years are gone forever.