Things the Parenting Books will NEVER tell you!

[Cooki3Monst3r]

I thought it would be fun to start a thread on those secret, unspoken little woes of parenthood that no book will ever tell you about!!

If you could, what would you tell your pre-baby self?

I would tell myself that those little foibles my babies developed at 10 weeks that seemed so cute at the time - DD playing with my hair, DS stroking my eyelashes - are abso-fucking-lutely NOT cute 2 years down the line when you've got a bald patch and bleeding eyeballs!

(is it just me that gets mauled by their kids?)

[Greenstone]

Ooh yes the ice cream van/cold caller wake - ups. The rage.

My revelation is that small children, even perfectly nice small children, have cold dead hearts when it comes to their mothers ' wellbeing. They really do not care if you're having the day from hell or are sick or exhausted or up to your armpits in their screaming infant sibling's shit. They'll just go right on ahead with that tantrum, thank you.

[Cooki3Monst3r]

Redhair I now have a small handbag!!! Well, smallish. DC2 is now nearly 3 and sometimes I can go out with just purse, phone, keys, one nappy!!!

[harrowgreen]

squizita - I said BF was harder than FF. Not that it should be done under any circumstances, no matter what. Please read properly before jumping onto a soapbox.

[roundtable]

That's lovely Tantrums

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

Mine are older now. 17, 16 and 11

I wish someone told me when I had 2 under 2 that you won't really remember all this stuff- all the tantrums in Tesco and the screaming at 3am and the house that looked like a pig sty and the greasy hair because you don't have time to wash it.

What you will remember, when they are growing up and starting to make their own way in the world and learning to drive and thinking about going to uni hundreds of miles away are the days that really mattered. The first time they really laughed at something. Their face when they first tasted ice cream. The year they "got" Christmas. The day you spent making snowmen.

If I look back at when mine were toddlers I think I put so much pressure on my self to try and be the "perfect" parent and I don't think the perfect parent exists.

I think if you can look at them as they grow up and they are nice people, you can laugh with them and cry with them, if you can see they have half a clue about what life is about , they are caring and compassionate then you have done a bloody good job.

[Redhairmum]

This thread has really made me giggle....almost woke dd (16 weeks) who will only nap whilst being held..
Would tell myself to focus on discovering who the wonderful little person ds was/is from day 1, NOT to stress about why he wasn't following the book.
Would also set up home supermarket delivery whilst pg, make a baby rota with dh (ie who does what), although more of an issue now dc2 here. buy shares in huggies wipes, accept that I will always have a HUGE handbag, filled with everyone else's stuff, oh, and that I will use every phrase that I hated my mum using on me....that every instruction needs to be said 10 times to a 3 year old to be heard.

[roundtable]

That there are some really competitive and judgemental parents who will judge you on how well your baby/toddler/child sleeps/eats/tantrums/dresses/speaks and so on and on and on...

[vladthedisorganised]

Sounds weird, but it took me a while to realise that the small bundle had a personality that would - probably - fit in with mine. So it was perfectly OK to use long words instead of the 'absolutely essential' baby talk that was met with a blank stare, accept with much reluctance that she just didn't need a lot of sleep instead of spending two hours of hell and screaming murder because she HAD to be in bed on the dot of 7, play my own music in the car rather than 'Baby Loves Nursery Rhymes', and so on. Whatever anyone else says, your child will not spontaneously combust because you haven't enrolled them in Tiny Tumblers or Mini Netball or the Junior Triangle Orchestra by their second birthday.

She's mad as a box of frogs, but otherwise fairly well adjusted...

[ocelot41]

I think I cried furiously at them IYKWIM....I had a poorly, teary, refluxy baby so them's were very long, hard days and then very long, hard nights. That little window between off to zzz around 7/7.30 and first wake around 9.30/10 was the only peaceful time in the day. Really, hell had no fury....

[Cooki3Monst3r]

I wonder if Icimoi from the Farage thread could tell us if waking a sleeping baby is good enough defence for man slaughter? Especially if it's a) bed time, and b) a bloody note on the door!! I hope you gave said salesperson a suitable rollicking ocelot?

[ocelot41]

Yes to murdering those waking up sleeping babies Tiedup! Especially door to door salespeople who ring the bell after 7.30pm when it has taken yo over 45 mins of patting and shushing to get them off, you were just looking forward to your first bit of downtime of the day and a nice hot meal, and when there is a frigging notice on the door saying 'please don't ring, sleeping baby'. Disembowelment is too good for them.....

Oh and Ice cream vans that come at nap time...

[Cooki3Monst3r]

Lol tiedup

Never mind sitting in the car after baby has fallen asleep, I have been known to take the opportunity to have a nice long nap in Waitrose carpark on more than one occasion.

Insightful realisation today: No one told me I'd be sooo tired that sometimes I would cancel the day's plans because I wouldn't feel safe driving the car. And that's when the littlest one is nearly 3!!

I totally blame my mother. She never, EVER, told me any of this stuff.

[TiedUpWithString]

Whoop ah! Killed that thread

[TiedUpWithString]

Tut. Never done before.

[TiedUpWithString]

It's normal to want to murder someone who wakes your baby.

It's ok to leave them to cry for 10 minutes while you shower and dress. It really is. As long as you have them with you so you can see them.

Everyone sits in the car when their child has just fallen asleep 2 mins before arriving at home.

Every parent ruins a potential nap time by squeezing the baby when they are in that silent pre-sleep reverie and saying OOH YOU'RE SOOO CUTE! But never does it again.

Every day is a day you and your child have never down before.

[Redling]

It's not hell. The books tell you in bald terms the demands of a baby without being able to possibly convey that wiping up yellow cheesy smelling poo, having a wide awake baby at 3am cooing at you, and endlessly dangling an elephant toy above their heads saying 'can you reach for elephant?' may sound like shit but ultimately is nothing compared to how much you love them.

If you are cross with your small baby because they are not fitting into what you have planned for the day, perhaps think again and plan the day around their needs. That baby group, shopping trip, NCT mums coffee date etc isn't so important. You will get to the end of the day feeling much better and that the day hasn't gone 'wrong'. This is probably not the case with a second child who has to come with you, but you may as well be easy on yourself with the first!
Broken sleep is still sleep. Count the hours you've slept in total, or don't count at all. Dont obsess about the amount of wakeups.
focus on the good things every day. Has the day been about the 3 massive struggles for a nap and that random 15 minute cry, or is it about the giggling and smiling and learning to blow bubbles?

Don't be waiting for a time when your life is 'back to normal'. What is that?!

Don't plan what 'kind' of mum you'll be, because you can't know until you meet your baby, you'll be the kind of mum they need. Do what works day by day and be willing to change. There's a lot of talk on MN of the kind of mums people are, like BF mums, FF mums, routine mums and attachments mums are some kind of tribes and are all of a type of person. You'll be happier if you pick and choose what just gets you through the day all as happy as possible!

[Cooki3Monst3r]

GypsyGirl you're making me hyperventilate with the impending doom of the The School Years here!!

I must remember to enjoy the next 9 months of 8am mornings and greeting the postman in PJs and daily crisis involving glue and glitter.

I will howl like an unfed baby when I realise these years are gone forever.

[notasleep]

And Yes to the sexism thing. Before the baby comes you think of course you're going to be equals in parenting.

But then suddenly you may find yourself living the life of a 50s housewife wondering what the hell happened to equality.

[notasleep]

That the sleep deprivation can go on and on.... And on... Not for months but years and years! My pre child self would have been shocked to know that. It's probably for the best she didn't!

[ocelot41]

We have worked through it and (I hope) are stronger for it, but when the menfolk aren't willing to do that it is often game over. I guess I was naive to expect gender socialisation not to go as deep as it does. I don't know why Relate don't have that kind of stuff on their info pamphlets?

It is so common in my conversations with my female friends, firstly just how unfair the whole thing is, secondly how permanently knackered they are and thirdly, the shock because they never expected their charming, considerate DH would be like this.

From my male friends there seems a (very handy) belief that actually there isn't that much work, women should just cut more corners. I personally recommend going away for work maybe 2 or 3 nights once or twice a year and leaving him to it. Make sure at least one of those involves a weekend.

Sounds a but brutal but he does, he gets. He doesn't do, he doesn't get...

[EiePie]

Oh, Ocelot, I'd forgotten the sexism thing! When out for the day, baby needs complete change of clothes due to explosive poo - DH "Did you remember to pack a spare vest?" Anything that was forgotten was my fault. This, btw, is at the weekend when nobody had the work excuse as a get out clause! Also, the getting up at all hours for crying/illness/hunger etc was all down to me - weekends, holidays, days when I was ill. The excuse - "Well, I go out to work every day." Yes, and your day starts at 7.30 and ends at 6. Mine is 24 hours a day! He even refused to bathe his first child as she "didn't like the water and cried." Hmmmmmmm. I wonder why I'm single.......?

[ocelot41]

That Relate research shows that 97 per cent of couples experience a sharp drop in relationship satisfaction during the first few years of child rearing. So you aren't having some sort of totally unexpected crisis you are actually quite boringly normal.

Other than all the obvious reasons why this might be the case, the biggest whammy will probably be the horrifying realisation that your DP is sexist. Really sexist.

Not that he is poking you in the eye and telling you to don't a frilly apron and get back to the kitchen. But the volume of work he is prepared to do will probably be way below the 50:50 you expected.

Sick kids, dirty floors, washing, present buying, play date booking... the Lion's share will keep falling in your lap (even if you work f/t) unless you push back HARD. And keep pushing. It is depressing to find chauvinism alive and well in your own marriage. Even when your DH studied feminism at uni FFS!

[gypsygirlfromlondon]

All parenting books and women focus on the baby and pre-school years. I'm sorry to say but I have not found it easier at all later on. In fact ,now my children are nearly 11, 9 and almost 8 ( I had 3 in 3 years) I think it is twice as hard as when they were young. The demands are just as much, just their needs change.

1.You have 10 times more washing- PE, uniform, ( scouts in my case and Girls Brigade)
2.endless h/w
3.taking them to activities, taxi, ferrying them around

1. social events with their friends leaving far less time at the weekend for you and partner ( or just you)
   
2. Little private time for you as a couple and conversations between you and your partner are overheard, the kids constantly ask questions.
   
3. Still can't go to the loo easily- the just make SOOO much noise!!
   
4. Constantly demanding attention for school work, chit chat, friendships, advise.
   

9.Cooking and clearing up for 5 every night and making packed lunches for 3 every day is a real stress and the kitchen is permanently being cleaned or tidied by me.
10. They make massive amounts of mess just everywhere- toys, books, food, homework projects, spellings, maths books, etc
11 Storage space for all their stuff- they bring home so much paper, work every day and it all accumulates into huge piles no matter how much I organise. School pics, all their work from last year, cards, just everything that you have to organise for them -seasonal clothes , school trips etc,
13. The school run which goes on for years and years and years
14. The recycling- tons of it!

I look back at the early years and think what a doddle it all was and I almost died with my son, had 1 emergency c-sections and 1 assisted delivery. No family help, done everything myself. I'm knackered all the time, and don't hardly see 'me' at all anymore. I get no space really.

OMG my children 'mum mum mum' me every 5 seconds! Rant over! I wish in heaven I had known what was ahead. I don't think though I would have had more than one I must admit.

[JaneAHersey]

Parenting books never tell how life is away from the ideal. They don't tell you how to cope with domestic violence. What to do if you find yourself homeless with a baby after fleeing domestic violence. How to struggle with poverty.

It's no wonder many women suffer depression when the don't feel they live up to the ideal set in many parenting books.

[Topseyt]

I think it probably is a good thing I can't tell my pre-baby self how hard looking after a baby can be. I probably would have scared myself off and never had any (in the end I had three though, and wouldn't change it for the world).

I would tell myself that there is no "getting back to normal" after the birth of your first baby. I envisaged that this would happen before having my firstborn. I would happily carry on with life as before whilst she slept peacefully in the corner or played happily and amused herself. Who was I kidding? I'm glad I never voiced those thoughts in front of other mums, or I'd have been laughed out of town.

I would also tell myself that it does get easier, and you adapt as time goes on.