Tougening up my son

[peppajay]

I am being told left right and centre that my son needs toughening up. He is 6 and yes he is not a typical boy he hates football and any type of sport he refuses to ride a bike, if he falls over he makes such a fuss he is quite a mummys boy and he loves his nursey rhymes, performing and cbeebies. He has nothing to do with minecraft, dr who or football like the boys in his class. He is very popular and although the boys will play with them he always chooses to play with the girls. He doesn't have much of a relationship with his dad or grandparents and is very attached to me basically I think one reason because I have always been the main carer and he has always been clingy so no one else has ever bothered with him. GP's and hubby constantly call him a wuss and I am getting it in the neck that I need to toughen him up!!! He quite often crys like a baby if things go wrong and does act and play more like he is 3 than 6. However he has no problems standing up for himself if anyone gets in his way or does something he doesn't like he wont just cry like he does usually he will tell them straight - don't push or stop being mean and they usually listen he is scared of no one. In other ways he is really boyish he hates anything pink and just loves trains and anything to do with them. My brother is gay and I think deep down his wussy attitude is worrying my parents and hubby and they think if I toughen him up maybe he will become more boyish!! I have tried to get him more into boyish things by having boys his age to play but he has nothing in common he knows nothing about minecraft and hates kicking a football around. Playdates with girls are fantastic they dress up and make up songs and dance routines. In September he is starting at a drama group as he loves performing. The teachers adore him at school and love him as he is a little bit different to the other boys but my husband worries that he will be bullied, but what can I do to change him and should I - I love him the way he is and his little quirks but my hubby says I am being selfish just because I love him that way no one else will. But it is down to me to instill this change because he cries a lot if things go wrong and he loves being with me hubby won't really be involved with him until he is toughened up. So who is the right here- feel I am being outnumbered?? Should I let him be himself or work really really hard at changing him and his ways??

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

No you are right. You should let him be the boy he is. Attempts at "toughening" (FFS - he is a little boy!) - will be counterproductive and make him clingy / destroy his confidence.

He sounds tough and confident enough to me. It's those who need to fit in that lack confidence. He sounds lovely and trust me - he will never be short of friends.

[Flexibilityisquay]

I think you need to work on the attitude of the people telling you to toughen him up. He sounds absolutely fine. I think if you try to change him, he will very quickly get the message that he is not good enough. I can see that doing a lot of damage very quickly! I have no doubt life will toughen him up as he gets older. What he needs now is people who love him unconditionally, not only if he behaves as they think he should.

[Hobbes8]

Your post has made be a bit sad. Your son sounds lovely, just as he is, and obviously you think so too. I think your husband is the one with the problem that needs addressing. Nothing you can do will turn your son gay or straight, and it doesn't matter which one he is anyway.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

Try reading some books about this too, to give evidence to support you when talking to relatives. The Highly Sensitive Child is a good one.

In my experience the boys (and men) who really enjoyed being with girls and doing girly things were far more popular and had deeper friendships with both sexes - big generalisation I'm sure but my experience.

[Toohotforfishandchips]

Tell them to Leave the poor child alone to be who he is. He sounds lovely and my DD is very good friends with a boy like him. Why should boys be tough any more than girls be pink princesses. ?!?

[ROARmeow]

He sounds just like my 5 year old DS.

Rather than trying to toughen him up to suit the wishes of adults in his life, I think you'd be best to try to keep up his self-esteem and help him do things that he enjoys and develops his talents.

If he's popular with his peers and confident then what's the problem?

Also, some gay men are super tough - soldiers, boxers and the like.

[Tanaqui]

Apart from crying like a 3 year old that all sounds fine- but I would stamp on a babyish tantrum because that won't wash at school.

[HappyJustToBe]

However he has no problems standing up for himself if anyone gets in his way or does something he doesn't like he wont just cry like he does usually he will tell them straight - don't push or stop being mean and they usually listen he is scared of no one

He sounds tough enough to me. They don't want him to be tougher, in my opinion, they want him to be more a "boy".

Other than helping him deal with emotions I don't think you have to address anything.

[monsterowl]

Your son sounds like a wonderful, gentle, caring little boy. Ignore everyone else and teach him that he can be himself and doesn't have to fit horrible macho stereotypes! My son seems quite similar although he's much younger. Breaks my heart that kids can't be left alone to be themselves.

[addictedtosugar]

If he's getting the option of Dr Who or CBeebies, and choosing the one he prefers, let him be. If you are restricting access to the other things that his friends like, perhaps he needs to be offered them.

My 5 yr old has just started getting into superheros - transformers and power rangers at the moment, but I don't think he really understands them.

It sounds like hes confident, and has a wide range of interests. Don't force him away from the things he enjoys - it will make him (and therefore you) miserable.

[Needadvice5]

You both sound lovely,tell them all to fuck off and you carry on as you are.

[insancerre]

How sad.
Please ignore them and just let him be who he is.
He sounds lovely to me.

[HermioneWeasley]

Have you tried thrashing him with a belt whenever he expresses emotion? That should do it.

[HermioneWeasley]

PS - my comment was a joke.

My brother still carries the impact of never have been a manly enough son for my Dad. My dad is a twat, my brother is lovely.

[dementedma]

Can sympathise. I have a 12 year old Ds who hates all sports and only learned to ride a bike last year...and hasn't since! He does like Minecraft and Halo, but also loves baking and adores watching The Great British Bake Off and Strictly.
He is who he is. Caring,compassionate and funny and I hate the pressure there is for him to fit into a "macho" mould which quite clearly is not who he is.

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Oh no, please don't try to change him. My little brother was exactly like this - he liked some "girls" toys, performing, playing in his own little world, making things etc. We have the most fabulous memories and photographs of the elaborate plays he put on (co-starring me) and his incredible drawings, models etc

He turned into a fantastic, not particularly camp man who is studying to be a counsellor. Yes, he was (and is) sensitive but it has made him the caring man he is today and it would break my heart if I looked back and thought that we'd made him unhappy trying to "toughen" him up or make him more "boyish".

The only thing I would say is that perhaps some of the behaviours (clinging, crying like a baby) might maybe be a sign that he is a little anxious? AFAIK that's quite common with sensitive children. Maybe it would be possible to read up on that and try to help him with that? (Sorry I don't have any resources to suggest)

[HSMMaCM]

There was a boy at DD's primary who preferred to play with the girls. He's nearly finished secondary now and he is popular and confident. Never a problem.

[Cinnamon73]

Ask everyone who tells you he needs toughening up why they want him to be someone who he isn't.

Tell them the most important thing is for him to be happy to be himself.

Basically, the them to FTFO, and that includes your dh who "won't have anything to do with him until he has toughened up".

Your ds will be absolutely fine, the world needs more people like him.

[Goldmandra]

Maybe other people distressing him while trying to toughen him up is the reason he feels safer around you.

Everyone needs to stop wishing he was someone different and just love him for who he is.

It must be awful for him to feel that he is not living up to their expectations. That alone will damage his confidence.

[HermioneWeasley]

I have seen grown men in very senior positions in companies break down and cry when they talk about how they were taught to reject traditionally feminine skills of listening, caring, etc. some were "taught" more brutally than others.

[callamia]

You are quite right. The drama class will be wonderful for him, and help him to develop confidence and words to avoid tantrums. He sounds just lovely.

For what it's worth, I have a husband who was fairly non-boyish as a child. He didn't like football or sports, did drama and dance, and has a lovely, loyal group of school friends that he still sees often. He was/is quirky, but that's never prevented him from being well liked.

[fuckupperymakeruppery]

the only people bullying him are his dad and his gp

tell them to fuck off!

Your son sounds brilliant!
you sound like a great mum.

[Bilberry]

What you need to work on is confidence and self esteem so he feels free to make his own choices. Having dh and GP calling him names is going to undermine this so you need to give firm words about them stopping this. Following the pack is not about friendship, liking someone for who they are is!

[HayDayQueen]

My ONLY concern here would be his potential isolation. I have found with DS1 who is 7 that the children have started having more single gender parties, and more 'it's only the boys/girls doing x' and he could find himself left out of both groups.

If he has some good 'girl' friends who have parents who value the friendship, it shouldn't be a problem, but he could be left out of play dates and future sleep overs.

The drama group is great, because he will make friends with like minded boys AND girls.