Glossary of Mums- the essential guide to who you will meet at the school gates

[SpyMum]

A is for All Mums

If you are yet to become a school mum, rest assured that you need to know about all the MUMS that IU will list in alphabetical order because you are about to meet them. If you are already a school mum, well, you know them already. But the key question remains: which one are you?

[Bonsoir]

X is for Xanax Mum. You don't actually witness her pill-popping, though she usually has a surreptitious cigarette in her hand. Her neuroses seethe out of every pore and her life is an impossibly complicated mishmash of divorce, boarding school, blended families, expatriation, ex husbands, stepchildren, plurilingualism, freelancing, retraining - with a resulting inability to prioritise and commit to anything. Her children are underperforming geniuses who play the violin and annoy their classmates. Despite the disaster zone, there is something endearing about her - she is always friendly and kind - though conversations that go on for any length of time cause you to despair at her inability to structure any problem.

[Bonsoir]

Y is for Young Mum. She is less burdened by parenting than others as she had her children before she had time to reflect on her own childhood - indeed, she doesn't attach an awful lot of importance to any sort of childcare theory as she is far too busy getting on with her own life as a young adult. She and her daughters dress in identical fashions - she looks more like their elder sister than their mother - and her DC are very independent as Young Mum wants to regain her freedom ASAP. Young Mum glazes over when older mothers start talking about educational theory, moving schools or problems with teenagers.

[Peterpan101]

He he he

[Asamumnonsense]

G is for gossipy mum!! got one in my DD's school. She only talks about the kids in our children's class and it makes me uncomfortable. I try and avoid her. Do not understand how can a adult gossip about children.

O for overwehlmed mum, always running around, rushing. Hurrying the kids up to get into school. Giving you the 'it's one of those mornings' look everyday. Will not take a minute to stop and see me smile at her as I totally get her.

R for rude mum! Our children have been in the same class for 3 years and keeps asking me for my name as if I was meaningless. She says 'hello' when she wants to..

I love the mix in DD school. We get a bit of everything and everyone.

[PurplePidjin]

O is for Overloaded Mum

Each child has at least two afterschool activities per day in opposing directions. She's also studying for a Masters with the OU, caring for an elderly relative, volunteers, Chairperson of a couple of committees and a stalwart of the local Am Dram. Never rsvps or reciprocates play dates despite her best intentions

[fraktion]

U is for Unintended Mum. She may be any age, but she didn't really plan on having children until one turned up, or maybe she would have got round to it later but it certainly wasn't part of the 5 year plan, if indeed she had one. You can't help but feel she's slightly out of her depth.

R is for Researcher Mum. Every parenting choice has been carefully researched and evaluated before being taken. She's an expert in every conceivable theory relating to child and happy to expound the virtues and drawbacks of different choices. Can be fascinating, can be tiring.

[Startail]

N is for nice mum, the one who chats to you and isn't embarrassed to speak to you just because you don't fit any of the cliques.

W is for wish I understood her Mum, some times I think we could be friends, some times she has very odd ideas and always she stands just apart and doesn't engage with what's going on.

Unfortunately she has DSs so play date spying doesn't work.

[Startail]

H is for high heeled Mum, in patent stilettos and black business suit she looks very out of place when even Alpha mum lives in jeans.

[Startail]

Y is for you want something mum, the mum with the clipboard who only condescends to talk to me when she wants something.

[Bonsoir]

Z is for Zeitgeist Mum. She is Russian, or Chinese, and lives between three continents. Her children went to kindergarten in California, spent a few years in the US, a couple in Moscow or Shanghai and are now doing their IB before doing something scientific (boys) or creative (girls) in New York. Her DH is a film director; she used to be a magazine editor and has a multi-seasonal Marni wardrobe to die for.

[pickledsiblings]

Bonsoir, you are enjoying this far too much! Your school gate must be very colourful indeed .

[Bonsoir]

LOL. Every day is technicolour!

[SpyMum]

J is for Juggling Mum

JUGGLING MUM has at least 3 children and they are all at different schools. Her life is one huge juggling act and a logistical nightmare. She has to manage three different drop off and pick ups as well as ensuring that her precious ones go on play dates and attend after school activities. She doesn?t need to go to the gym. Her life of throwing children in and out of the car and carrying bags between schools is as good an exercise work out as anyone could ask for. Just looking at her exhausts you. She really should get a NANNY.

[Gigondas]

Bonsoir I know workaholic mum- I knew she was pregnant before she told me as her nanny told mine (never let on that I knew already).

[CaptainNancy]

J is for Journo Mum

Journo Mum is always there at drop-off/pick-up, though can usually be observed carefully listening-in on others' conversations rather than listening to her excited offspring's chatter... so that she can use selected vignettes in her fortnightly "Working Mum Juggles Successful Career and Domestic Goddesshood" column in a National Broadsheet. She's not checking her messages on that iphone, she's making brief notes to type up over a glass of Barolo later once Clemmie and Orson are in bed asleep.

[Willdoitinaminute]

I have become 'always pick up late mum'. Had enough of the school gate.

[Willdoitinaminute]

F - Flirty mum, applies to most of the mums when Desirable Dad is picking up.

[ToysRLuv]

Uh, I am Northern European, but the exact opposite of the Northern European mum. Maybe I'm foreign mum? Maybe I'm not foreign enough. I guess I will find out in a year.

[Rockchick1984]

Trying to figure out which of these I'll be / aspire to becoming once DS is at school...

[Bonsoir]

You'll just become one - you cannot tell in advance!

[Purplecatti]

C is for chav mum. Mum drops kids off in pjs, dressing gown and slippers and is about to go home and watch her cousin appearing on Jeremy Kyle. Her disruptive children's behaviour is for the school to sort not her and her highest ambition is for them to meet Simon Cowell.

A is for ambitious mum. Little Tarquin is starting tennis and french lessons as he's just SO bright. The reason he's pulling Tamsin' s hair right now is his highly intelligent nature isn't quite stimulated enough. He was talking complete sentences by 7 months after all.

[Dryjuice25]

N is for neurotic mum.She is always asking others what they think of the school, the latest Ofsted report, the teachers and the catchment area e.t.c

U is for unlucky mum. Her kids are always ill and she doesn't know what to do.

[cupcake78]

U is for unorganised mum. She tries her best but always looks flustered and forgetful. She is friendly and approachable. She just can't seem to keep up with the juggling of school demands, work and home life. She looks like shes dressed but hair is usually scrapped back or barley brushed, makeup has been applied but in a fast i must make an effort way. Footwear is whatever was close by and usually boots or Wellies

Unorganised mums partner is never seen unless at the odd parents evening and then he always looks shattered and obviously works very hard. He is there just to prove to himself and others that he does exist.

[Shagmundfreud]

H is for hijab mum. You can only see her eyes (they're very pretty) and when you smile at her you think she's smiling back, but you're not sure. She doesn't appear to speak English. She does however have a very fit young husband who you often see bringing the kids in. He wears cherry red gap jeans. Quite tight ones actually.

W is for 'weave mum'. She's got a terrible weave with a zip set into the parting. You are fascinated by her two inch long, tiger print false nails and wonder how she does the washing up wearing them. Then you realise she probably doesn't do much washing up because she stops off at Favourite Fried Chicken on the high street every day on the way back from school and gets the kids their tea there.

D is for 'depressing mum'. She is sometimes to be seen outside the betting shop with a skinny roll up in one hand and a can of Tennant in the other not long after drop off. She only appears to have one set of clothes: a stained black shell suit, which she wears every day. Her kids are adorable if slightly dazed looking.

You can tell my kids go to an inner city school can't you?