Glossary of Mums- the essential guide to who you will meet at the school gates

[SpyMum]

A is for All Mums

If you are yet to become a school mum, rest assured that you need to know about all the MUMS that IU will list in alphabetical order because you are about to meet them. If you are already a school mum, well, you know them already. But the key question remains: which one are you?

[wordfactory]

L is for luxury mum - you won't see her often (full time nanny, though doesn't work) but when you do, she'll be in head to toe designer clothes and drivinmg a bentley. She's currently very busy doing a Mumsnet aga course.

M is for magical Mum - she believes childhood should be a dizzy merry go round of fairy wings, cup cakes and glitter. She hates homework and exams. Her Dc wear year round wellies and are the worst behaved in the class.

N is for nervous Mum - terrified of all risk to her PFB, she petitons for the banning of outdoor play in rain/wind/frost/sun. She worries that the readings cheme may be a paper cut hazard.

[Peterpan101]

Is 'F' for 'Fashion' or 'Forgetful' mum?? Hmm???

[PoppyWearer]

Can't think of an O one, will have to come back to that.

P is for PTA mums. See many previous threads for info. Usually to be found in the front row of nativity plays and the like, if rumours are true. . Or in a gaggle at the nearest coffee shop, planning great things for the school and having a gossip.

Q is for Queen mum. She is the Queen of the playground. You may curtsey.

Need to think about O...

[PoppyWearer]

M is also for Minor-Sleb mum. She's a minor sleb, last on TV in 2002, and always looks impossibly glamorous on the school run. Everyone else is vair excited to have her at that school. No one talks to her.

[Bonsoir]

M is for Model Mum. She is impossibly tall, impossibly slim and has impossibly beautiful children who waft around her in a puff of glamour. It is hard for other mothers to engage in conversation with her without being distracted by thoughts of the posters of her in underwear plastered all over the underground and bus shelters.

N is for Northern European Mum. She is tall and very pretty in a classic way, with long blond hair, and often does morning drop off in her work-out clothes. She is Dutch or Swedish and used to be an au pair before she found herself a rich financier husband to keep her in the style in which her former charges were being brought up. Her DC aren't as bright as her DH would like and they need a lot of tutoring to keep up. She doesn't worry about her daughters (they can follow in her footsteps) but she is very anxious about her sons, though her external composure does not reveal this to all and sundry.

[FrumpyPumpy]

N is for NEVER THERE MUM. That'll be me.

[Bonsoir]

O is for Ostentatious Mum. She is plastered in the most visible trappings of consumer society - you cannot possibly miss her (or them): hair extensions, fur coats, boob jobs, diamond jewellery, 4x4...

[MorrisZapp]

These are almost all just different ways of describing the same person. Ie, somebody better looking, richer and with a tidier house than me.

[Tee2072]

W is for Who Gives A Fuck Mum?

As in, what the fuck do I care what the rest of the mums are like? I drop my kid and get out.

Honestly, who thinks of these things? Perhaps they need a more engaging job to do.

[Bonsoir]

P is for Psychoanalyst Mum. She is very intense and scrutinises everyone, and they all (children, teachers, parents) come up short. Her children don't do very well in school, as she spends all her days delving into the origins of problems rather than looking for practical solutions for getting on with life. One day she and her children disappear.

[Miggsie]

E is for Exception Mum - all the rules apply to everyone except her and her child - a sub-genus is the U - Mum - which is the "undiscovered genius" mum, in that her child's poor social skills and obnoxious personality and utter inability to do homework is all down the them being an undiscovered genius.

Often cross-bred with the N-mum, as in "not my child" mum who always has a reason why some things are perfectly all right for everyone else - but not her child - this includes hard sums, sports, state schools, saying please and thank-you, the school bus etc etc. which would apparently cause her child immeasurable harm were they to be exposed to them.

She will often develop into S Mum - "sensitive child" mum where again the child cannot be exposed manners, sports, hard sums, etc due to being so "sensitive". Children in the same class as said child will cynically be able to note that the only thing this child is sensitive to is their own feelings, not those of anyone else.

[deXavia]

I'll go for W being Working Mum - she doesn't talk or engage at the school gates and its not that she thinks she is better than everyone else, its that her school run/route to work is timed to the nano second and if the bloody doors don't open this instant she will be late again, and her boss will give her more grief about "accommodating" her and has she considered her "priorities" ...

[Firsttimer7259]

E is for Eeyore Mum. Always indefinably gloomy and projects the feeling that something is about to go wrong or already has

[Bonsoir]

S is for Slavedriver Mum. She has four children. Her sons jump a class, speak 6 languages fluently, get full marks in every science exam and go to Oxbridge, while she pursues an earnest career as an academic in a worthy field (Management Accounting) which allows her to flagellate yet more unsuspecting youth.

Her daughters have nervous breakdowns.

[Piemother]

P for Perpetually Embarrassed by Ex Mum.

[Bonsoir]

T is for Terrible Mum. She hates being a mother and is not remotely interested in her own children, other people's children or the whole world of school and childhood. She occasionally shows up at school when her exH has twisted her arm about her neglecting their DCs and has to ask another mother, several months into the school year, just exactly which one is her child's class teacher so that she can say hello.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

Miggsie: U is the "undiscovered genius" mum, in that her child's poor social skills and obnoxious personality and utter inability to do homework is all down the them being an undiscovered genius.

Ah, this leads on from my M for Monopolising Mum. The lady I have in mind is convinced that her son is exceptionally bright despite his cunning disguise of being an average boy who isn't interested in schoolwork. She's convinced it's because he's so bright he must be bored which is the school's fault and wants the teacher to Sort This Out.

[Bonsoir]

U is for Unsuspecting Mum. She is sweet and naïve to begin with, reaching out to everyone and thinking that school will open up a lovely world of parks and playdates, cupcakes and dress-up days and she will re-enter the world of friendly benevolence she remembers from childhood (actually, from the literature and films of childhood).

A year or so into the politics of the playground and she is a frazzled mess on anti-depressants.

[SpyMum]

I is for Irritatingly Helpful Mum

If you have a problem of any description, IRRITATINGLY HELPFUL MUM is there to fix it. Can?t make pick up time today? No, problem. IRRITATINGLY HELPFUL MUM will pick up your kidlets and drop them off at home for you. Or if it is more helpful, she can take them home to her house and give them tea. And help them with their homework. And give them a bath. You just need to let her know. Can?t get to the uniform shop today to pick up a new swimming costume for Angela? No problem. IRRITATINGLY HELPFUL MUM is going to the shop anyway, so why doesn?t she pick it up for you? Is there anything she can get for you today when she is at the supermarket? In fact, can she completely take over your life because you are clearly incapable of running it yourself?

Whilst you know all these offers of help are meant with the best of intentions, each time she does something for you: a) you feel you have to return the favour and b) it makes you feel completely incompetent. So for your own sanity, next time IRRITATINGLY HELPFUL MUM offers to help you, SAY NO.

[JamesAndTheGiantBanana]

A could also be for Aloof Mum - these mums, occasionally but not always older ladies, stand neatly by themselves in immaculately clean and pressed coordinated clothes and accessories, looking askance at your snotty wailing toddler. They never talk or even say Hi when passing. One day you will see her in soft play hell trying to get their pfb down from the play frame without raising her voice or going in. Julian ignores and keeps up a steady chant of "bum poo willy bums" Eventually she will emit a brittle shriek or blatant bribe of the mcnugget variety and bundle him out redfaced. This will make you feel good even though it shouldn't as your child started the chant

[fraktion]

J is for Jealous Mum. Everyone else's life is better than hers and she can't help but sound envious whenever she open her mouth.

F is also for Foreign Mum. No-one talks to her because they assume she's incapable of holding a conversation. Half the time she doesn't care, the other half she feels a little lonely. Or she breaks every silly playground rule and somehow exists outside all the cliques.

[deXavia]

H is for hippy mum (she is one of my Very good friends but im not outing her as there is no way in hell she'll be on MN) - she wanders about in a dream world, but the kids love play dates at her house because "today we decided to paint rain" as you pick up your beaming child covered head to toe in blue paint! (but she then hands you a glass of wine and all is forgiven!)

[Bonsoir]

V is for Vicarious Mum. She found the adult world distasteful and frightening and is now reliving her youth vicariously through her children. She is an active participant in all forms of jollification organised by the school or PTA, especially when this involves dressing up, singing and face-painting (of herself, not her children). She clings together with other Vicarious Mums in order to protect herself from that other stalwart of PTAs, McKinsey Mum. McKinsey Mum was a management consultant before having children and school is the perfect target for the application of her underused, finely-honed skills of scrutinising organisations and identifying areas for improvement. Vicarious Mum is terribly scared of McKinsey Mum and wishes she would just go away.

[PoppyWearer]

fraktion am glad you posted Foreign Mum. We have one in DD's class and she's lovely, but very few of us make the effort to talk to her. The teachers have done a fabulous job of trying to incorporate information about her country into classes where relevant.

[Bonsoir]

W is for Workaholic Mum. The only time you see her is at 7.15 am drop offs/8.30 pm pick-ups for school trips, as this is the only time the school run coincides with her working hours. She has a stellar career in banking - in fact, you only recognise her face because it was plastered all over newsstands when she made a front cover for being a Business Woman of the Year. She is very polite and very distant, as she considers that she barely knows you. Little does she suspect that you know far more than she would wish you to about her home life, as her children and nannies regularly let the cat out of the bag on playdates and in the park.