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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Parenting

Have you lost your identity?

34 replies

IdentityLess · 29/03/2006 20:39

Since I had my first child, DD, 18 months, I have no idea who I am anymore. Is this common? Admittedly, I ´ve given up work, moved house, am relatively socially isolated etc. but it seems more than that. Making the transition between being an independent woman and being a mother just seems like too big a step and I still don´t sit comfortably in my new role. Is this normal?

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morningpaper · 29/03/2006 20:40

YES what you are describing is QUITE NORMAL

I would recommend the book by Susam Maushart

UMMMMMMMMmmmmm brain fried by child-rearing

I know

"Why becoming a mother changes everything and why we pretend it doesn't"

Something like that

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jmum6 · 29/03/2006 20:41

I hope so. I feel like this to some degree too. I think it's the fact that We have a complete change of lifestyle whilst the men (generally) have an added element to their lives - but still have their old life too.

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morningpaper · 29/03/2006 20:42

The Mask of Motherhood: How Becoming a Mother Changes Everything and Why We Pretend It Doesn't
Susan Maushart

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WideWebWitch · 29/03/2006 20:43

lol mp at that book title! Yes, it's normal Identityless, it takes a bit of getting used to, being responsible for another person, imo. Social isolation is not good but hey, you've found mumsnet now so that's a start. Have you looked for toddler groups/NCT/parents in your area? You might think you're different to all those other mums but I did too and wish I'd done more socialising with parents when I had my first.

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WideWebWitch · 29/03/2006 20:44

oooh, you were pretty close there though mp.

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Pruni · 29/03/2006 20:45

It just takes ages to feel comfortable in your new skin, I think.

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AllieBongo · 29/03/2006 20:46

i get like this every month when i have pmt! then i go on a girlie night out with my single pals, which is fun, then I watch them trying to bag a man as we are all getting on a bit, and feel glad I don;t have to worry bout that, then I go home, kiss my lovely kids, and snuggle up to dh and think how lucky i am... same every month!!!! It can get you down, but when lo is a bit older you will start to get some of your old life back x

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PinkTulips · 29/03/2006 20:46

have this feeling too, had quite a wild lifestyle and personality pre baby and that person isn't the loving mom i am now, don't know who is though.

hoping that as time goes by and i become less concious of what people think i can find some happy medium between the crazy rock chick i was and the hippy, eco friendly person i seem to be becoming.

never helps that the dads don't have to deal with these things like we do!

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IdentityLess · 29/03/2006 20:46

So how long does it take to adjust? And how do you feel when you come to be the new you? 18 months seems like a lomg time..

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Spatz · 29/03/2006 20:49

I'd like to know when the new me kicks in, too. My dd is almost 5!

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monkeytrousers · 29/03/2006 20:50

Only to the extent that I have developed. Somethings have gone, like my social life but I don't miss it.

I did feel like this sometimes but I think that's just normal after having a baby - it's a huge transitory moment and I suppose we do wave goodbye to the last vestiges of our 'youth' and the irresponsibility that goes with it. I don't thin that's such a bad thing even though that's the illusion consumerism persists in feeding us.

I'm on the other side of it now and feel like I didn't 'loose' anything but gained everything.

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motherinferior · 29/03/2006 20:52

I have become very boring. Even more boring than I was before.

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AllieBongo · 29/03/2006 20:52

well said monkey trews

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monkeytrousers · 29/03/2006 20:53

Ds is 18 months now IL. I don' t think you wake up knowing you've changed. You're still who you always were, the partner, the friend, the daughter; you're just also a mother. I think you have to let it in - and don't mourn anything passing because nothings gone!

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morningpaper · 29/03/2006 20:54

Identityless: I find that part-time working helps me a great deal as does volunteering. Basically things where I can ACCOMPLISH something (other than a tasty pot roast!) gives me a big kick.

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monkeytrousers · 29/03/2006 20:55

and I can testify to the fact that MI is very boring

Ta AllieBongo - has that always been your name BTW?

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morningpaper · 29/03/2006 20:56

monkeytrews: I definitely felt MORE than a moving on. I felt as though I had been emptied out and replaced with a mother-being. I kept thinking of that bibical expression "to die to oneself" which I felt I had done. It was very very difficult. I still feel like this sometimes but I find that working (and reading) helps a great deal.

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Marshmellow · 29/03/2006 20:57

Certainly a normal feeling. In my opinion you spend the first few years trying to seek an identity as a mother and then school starts looming and you're struggling to find an identity without children around all the time!! DD1 starts school this year and DD2 is at nursery, suddenly feel very out of sorts with not being a full time, hands on mum. When you have children i think you naturally give up so much of yourself to be totally committed to motherhood that when they do start to grow up and the weeks pass you can be left thinking "who am i?" I certainly don't know who i am apart from mother and wife...and i desperately still want to be doing the whole baby/hands on mummy thing.

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foxinsocks · 29/03/2006 20:57

yes, I'm sure this is very common. I also think all the changes in your life don't help. I got this when I moved country, moved house, gave up work and had my second child. I remember waking up one day, dragging the kids out of bed to school/pre-school, coming back home and looking at the pile of washing and wondering what the hell had happened to my life!

I think you have to have a sit down and think what you want from life. I realised that I had always defined my life by my work - it was stopping work that really made me feel like I had no identity. Once I realised that, I got over it quite quickly but it did take me a while to get to that realisation.

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Spatz · 29/03/2006 20:59

I still feel I've lost my identity and I can't get any 'job satisfaction' from keeping the house 'nice' and doing the laundry. I absolutely adore the children and would never turn the clock back - maybe the problem for me is being a SAHM, but I also feel that it is the right thing for me to do.

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AllieBongo · 29/03/2006 21:00

monkey trews.. i was alliep30, alliebaba some dodgy french name and now this!

I work p/t in the evenings, but am starting a monday 9-3 when there are actually some other people here! I've been doing shitty jobs to fit around my kids for 5 years, and now i've found one i like and that has really given me a boost.. and having my ugky face mole removed too!!!! i feel another name change coming on

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IdentityLess · 29/03/2006 21:01

Thanks everybody, I´m going to have a read of that book and also try and get out to work PT. Why does noone warn you of this identity issue, given it is a really fundamental thing. This is something I´ve been worrying about and mulling over for over a year now but not exactly something you can say when people ask how you´re finding motherhood...

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Donbean · 29/03/2006 21:01

I agree, i dont think that it is necissarily a negative thing. I do however think that to feel like this is definitely common and very normal.

Once you get settled (how long is a piece of string scenario!) it is another facet to you thats all.
For example, i am not the same person i was when i was in my teens, early 20's.late 20's and early thirties, im totally different and have evolved.
I think that it is the same as a mum, you evolve into it over time.
Its like starting a new job i suppose, it takes some getting used to, adjustment and refining in order to get the necissary skills and experience under your belt.

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monkeytrousers · 29/03/2006 21:06

I think going back to uni after my year off helped me enormously MP - I agree, if I hadn't gone back I would have found it difficult. It's definitely a good idea to do something, anything to get you out of your own head for a while, even if it's only a night class. It definitely can be hard but I think the expectation on women to remain as they were physically after birth really stressful, as though for that time after birth when your body goes to pot, you as a person begin to disappear as well - as though you can't exist if you don't emerge looking the same. Does that make sense?

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eefs · 29/03/2006 21:08

MI you are one of the most interesting posters, very eloquent - not boring at all (at least in type, maybe you used to hang off the chandeliers at partys BC).

I felt like I'd lost my identity for ages, esp with my friends, none of whom had children and I felt I couldn't relate to fellow parent friends in any sense beyond talking sleep pattens/colour of poos etc. Now I feel like either my sense of identity has readjusted or I've come back to my pre-pregnancy personaltity, but either way feel that I am much better off - I am myself with the added dimension of being a mother.

I think it's when I was able to hold a conversation on hybrid cars or the iraq war and knew I was making sense again when I felt comfortable with my new self.