I'm really shit at this parenting

[moogalicious]

I'm so fed up with being shouted at by my two older dcs but most days I deal with it. I try hard not to be a shouty mum.

Dc1 is 10 and is aggressive and can be quite nasty to her siblings. She can also kick off and have the most amazing tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, including throwing things down the stairs at me, shouting at me etc This evening it all kicked off. She squirted perfume in her younger sisters mouth and face. I went up to tell her off and she literally screamed in my face. I'm really ashamed to say I completely lost it and hit her on the arm. Not hard but I shouldn't have done it She then proceeded to hit me back and tried to throw a wooden laundry basket lid at me. I got her on the bed and said something really horrible to her. I'm too ashamed to say what, but I have apologised to her and said I said it in the heat of the moment, I love her so much. God, this sounds like something an abuser would say - all remorse after the event iyswim

I have tried so hard to be calm when she has her tantrums and I've fucked it all up. I was so angry. I'm sure she's going to grow up with issues and it's my fault.

Don't really know why I'm posting on here, just feeling really sad about the way I reacted and no one here to talk to.

She's sleeping in my bed tonight because I feel so guilty.

[Taffraid]

Visualisation is just "close your eyes and imagine yourself somewhere really calm....." it could be in bed, in the bath, on a quiet sandy beach ( although most DC don't have experience of quiet beaches eh [hgrin] )

DS goes in the playroom or his bedroom, or in the garden if the weather is OK.

Recognising the triggers is a big step, when you see it coming, you can help her head it off with some of the techniques.

[moogalicious]

Thanks. Think we're a long way off from dd recognising that she's starting to get angry! I will carry on using 1-1 time, not nagging her about her behaviour (eg make sure you behave at x's house) and try some of the new techniques/books.

I think we're making progress albeit in small amounts. Her behaviour day-to-day is good now and it's only been a few weeks since my OP.

Thanks everyone for your advice - I'm really hoping I don't have to post on this thread again

[EscapeInTheCity]

What about a visual signal that you can both agree on (let's say an orange light and a red light) to point out when she is starting to get angry and then when she is angry (but perhaps not yet in full blow anger).
There would be no words which makes it easier (problems with tome of voice, words etc...that can be misinterpreted).

[moogalicious]

I was just thinking that escape although I was thinking maybe a funny word, something random like 'banana' to diffuse the situation and then I could get her to chill out.

Behaviour still good today, although earlier she started getting stressy with one of the others but I managed to distract her. Hooray!

[EscapeInTheCity]

Yes a word could be good. Perhaps you need to involve her in choose the way (word, sign, hand gesture...) so she feels comfortable and in control.

I think it would better than distraction because with the latest she has no way to start to learn to recognize the signs of her getting angry. That means she has no way to recognize the signs when she is on her own.

But quieter times means she doesn't get told off as much which will help with her behaviour anyway as I suspect some (a lot) of it comes from badly handled frustration.

[Marmiteisyummy]

Hi moogalicious, sorry to Not reply last night. As late answer to your question by elder sibling eventually got a reasonable handle on his temper, has a good job, married and kids. But neither me nor my other brother have much of any relationship with him.
The other thing I wondered about was yoga. Something you could do together and really teaches control and gives thinking time. Just a thought. Sounds le you're feeling more positive which is great.

[Marmiteisyummy]

Sorry for dreadful typos.....

[midseasonsale]

Do update - I do think things are going to get better.

[midseasonsale]

Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book [Paperback] by
Jerry Wilde (Author)

This book is for your DD to read by the way - although I think the adults gained something from it too. Great ratings if you read the Amazon reviews. It's helped many of the kids.

[baskingseals]

moog i also have a 10yo dd. she has shown me parts of myself that i didn't know i had - and not in a good way

just wanted to say that i have said and done awful awful things. i don't want you to think that everybody else is just swinging along smelling the roses and it's you and only you who can't do it.

i do most of what has been suggested on this thread. i try to remember that the most important thing is that i love the very bones of her, and she knows that.

if you would like to pm about anything please do. dd has two younger victims brothers, so i think there are probably a few similiarities

take care

[Misty9]

Hi again - sorry, have had pretty hellish day (I am sadly not very practiced at keeping my temper...).

In reply to your question, it seems you've already established she doesnt recognise the early warning signs of getting angry so one thing you could try (and explain to her what you're going to do first!) is to sit down and get her to remember a recent time she felt angry/unjustly treated/peed off with siblings - then as she remembers and describes as much as she can she will more than likely get angry. So together get her to label those physical feelings (write them down on a body outline is good) and even better, see if she can order them from calm to angry - I find a thermometer picture is useful and fun for this.

If this works, the next step is for her to figure out which signs are "too late" and she's gonna blow, and which ones are early enough she can do something about it. For the latter, see if she can come up with techniques to address them - you can coach a bit eg maybe suggest taking herself off to her room. For the "too late" ones try talking about what is reasonable for both of you to do in those situations - and unreasonable. In my experience, there is nothing more aggravating to someone who is getting angry than to hear "calm down"! But, if they say it to themselves, it can make a world of difference.

You could try taking her to choose a really relaxing scene on a postcard (or colours/abstract, whatever calms her) and have her carry it around. Also a calming basket of items in her room, for use when she needs it, can be a nice thing to create together (a boom about being calm, a special piece of material/cuddly, a stress ball, a snow globe - whatever you come up with).

Finally, sounds corny but maybe coming up with some family guidelines to address any unfairness she may perceive? I don't know your family, so that's just a suggestion :)

HTH and sounds like you do an amazing job and she's lucky to have you as a mummy. Oh, and I def agree about keeping the 1-1 times, they are very important :) and punishment should fit misdemeanour IMO anyway (I like the idea of repair rather than 'sorry' as this fits into this perspective).

My heads a bit fried tonight so I hope that all made sense! :)

[Misty9]

Book not boom.... :sigh:

[moogalicious]

Thanks again everyone. I'll have a look at that book today midseason

Marmite glad to hear your sibling is ok but sad you don't have a relationship with him. Mind you, that may have happened anyway - I'm not that close to my sibling.

Escape I'm gonna try the word. I guess we need to wait for another blow up before we can test things

Basking thanks it's good to know I'm not the only one. I'll carry on posting, so watch this space, although it might not be for a week or so. Saying that, it's half term this week so it could be sooner!

Misty thankyou so much. I've read through it but will keep coming back to that post She didn't seem that keen to talk yesterday so I need to pick the right time for a chat. The book midseason suggested might be a starting point.

DH back from footie so will post later