I'm really shit at this parenting

[moogalicious]

I'm so fed up with being shouted at by my two older dcs but most days I deal with it. I try hard not to be a shouty mum.

Dc1 is 10 and is aggressive and can be quite nasty to her siblings. She can also kick off and have the most amazing tantrums if she doesn't get her own way, including throwing things down the stairs at me, shouting at me etc This evening it all kicked off. She squirted perfume in her younger sisters mouth and face. I went up to tell her off and she literally screamed in my face. I'm really ashamed to say I completely lost it and hit her on the arm. Not hard but I shouldn't have done it She then proceeded to hit me back and tried to throw a wooden laundry basket lid at me. I got her on the bed and said something really horrible to her. I'm too ashamed to say what, but I have apologised to her and said I said it in the heat of the moment, I love her so much. God, this sounds like something an abuser would say - all remorse after the event iyswim

I have tried so hard to be calm when she has her tantrums and I've fucked it all up. I was so angry. I'm sure she's going to grow up with issues and it's my fault.

Don't really know why I'm posting on here, just feeling really sad about the way I reacted and no one here to talk to.

She's sleeping in my bed tonight because I feel so guilty.

[Startailoforangeandgold]

10 is a difficult age, you want more freedom and responsibility, but you can't have it.

I was a very horrible 10 yo, DD2 had her moments (still does at 11, but can now see others side a bit too.)

If you can just send her to her room to rant do. If you totally loose your rag say sorry. I've had to. Even my Ddad has.

But don't make a great fuss.

Lots of attention when she's being nice, and look for ways she can begin to feel grown up. Look also for ways she can still be a little chid. Preteens need freedom, security and lots of cuddles

DD1 is 14 her best friend is 15, they are the nicest teens you could possibly meet. Why? because they can still be daft little girls. They can be very responsible and grown up too. Balance comes naturally to them. For most DCs it's far harder to achieve.

[MaryZed]

Hey Winny, you know it is really, really nice to see someone say "oops I over-reacted, I'm sorry".

It's a rare occurrence on here, so good for you

[PrincessSymbian]

I am feeling the love tonight < strokes fellow vipers, in a platonic way!>

[moogalicious]

Thanks. I think I have got stuck in a rut. We get in a situation where I know she is going to misbehave and I react.

Having slept on it, you're right I shouldn't give her the 'I expect you to behave yourself blah blah' talk. We have a new game to learn, I can take that if she wants to.

Jeez, when someone spells it out to you it sounds so obvious!

[moogalicious]

No worries winny

[moogalicious]

Alls well this morning by the way

[pointythings]

I wonder whether this technique might be useful to you? I know it seems counterintuitive, but it makes a lot of sense to me. Similar small-scale things have really worked with DD1 when she was 10 and getting quite teenagery and tantrummy.

[moogalicious]

Thanks pointy I've heard of that and I think it would do dc1 good. In the past she has reacted well to time together even if it's just me and her baking. And I think allowing her control would be ideal - most of her tantrums revolve around her not being in control.

I still feel crap about what happened last night, but more positive that I can turn things around.

[moogalicious]

I've tried to move on from what happened but dd's behaviour is no better. By that I mean she cannot control her temper. At all. When she gets angry she loses the plot completely.

We've had some lovely 1-1 time together. We learnt how to knit, started doing a zombie doll kit, dog walking, we're going shopping tomorrow and going to craft fair in a couple of week. She has been great company. I haven't told her I expect her to be on her best behaviour when we've been out. She's been great with her siblings.

But. Last Sunday she had a 2 hour tantrum. I think it was over her ds and she started thumping her brother. Ended up with her throwing cushions at me and shouting that she hated me. She lost her ds/computer time for a week.

We are nearing to the end of that week, her behaviour has been great and she's been looking forward to getting her ds/computer back. We were all making necklaces and hers broke which she blamed me for (even though it wasn't in my hands). She was getting more and more shouty and tetchy with everyone so I asked her to go to her room for 5 mins to chill out. And she exploded. Kicked me and worse of all, grabbed a chair and threatened to throw it at me. I have to say I was scared because she could have really done me some damage.

She has lost her ds/computer for another week. When I told her she kicked off again and tried to trash the dining room.

I don't know where to go from here. GP? CAHMS? Is that over reacting?

Reading that back, actually her beahviour has been better, generally. It's the lack of control when she's angry. It's frightening.

[Marmiteisyummy]

I feel for you, it sounds awful and you're right to tackle it now. How is she at school? Would some family counselling help, or ask her if she'd like to talk to someone herself?
Alternatively another outlet for physical aggression may help? Perhaps martial arts which are very big on respect and control?
Is she sorry once she's calmed down?
Could you give her some more responsibility round the house? Might help her feel more grown up?
Sorry if none of that is helpful. I grew up with an older sibling with violent outbursts, it was never tackled and it was horrible. Much respect for everything you're doing.

[moogalicious]

Thanks Marmite. I need to deal with this, it's bloody awful for everyone.

At school she is quiet and good although there was an incident last week where she fell out with her friend - her friend pushed her and she retaliated by pulling her hair. I told her she should have walked away but she said she wasn't able to do that. This is the only incident of this kind at school.

She said sorry tonight, although I think she was just paying me lip service. She wasn't sorry that she could have hurt me. I guess she's angry that she's lost her ds/computer and blames me - she can't see it was her own thought.

She already has jobs to do around the house. Martial arts is a good idea, although she's not sporty. I'll suggest it.

What worried me was the accusation that I'd broken her necklace - I hadn't touched it! I found that really strange.

[moogalicious]

fault not thought

[moogalicious]

How is your older sibling now marmite?

[moogalicious]

Anyone? Could really do with some advice

[midseasonsale]

Have you looked at some kind of anger management - for her and you!

[midseasonsale]

Hot Stuff to Help Kids Chill Out: The Anger Management Book [Paperback] by
Jerry Wilde (Author)

[midseasonsale]

from amazon

[EscapeInTheCity]

The blame thing: my dcs have been known to know that just because it is easier to be able to find someone/something to blame than to accept that it was accident or they might have broken it. I am guessing it was probably an activity she was enjoying and she quite liked the necklace?

TBH, I don't think she can see/realize the extend of what she is doing Remembers comments from her own parents that didn't make any sense until I became a mother myself. It doesn't mean it's acceptable but I would be inclined to take that approach rather than saying she is doing it on purpose knowing how bad it is iyswim.

What abut contacting your GP/CAMHS and ask for support? There is some support available for children re anxiety and stress management.
Otherwise, I would go along the lines of what has already been said, 'Love bombing', 1-1 time etc... (Have you read How to talk, also exists in the teen version)

[Misty9]

Sorry this is brief, but check out the Incredible Years book - cant remember the age range off the top of my head but is basis for a parenting programme and also a good read. Definitely talk to someone or seek support - tier one or two CAMHS should have links with school (depending on area) so maybe start there?
Paul stallard has done some Internet based stuff for kids on anger/stress, not sure how you get hold of it but could try googling?

Some basic stuff you could try discussing with her (when not angry!) is whether she recognises the early warning signs of her anger (focus on bodily things like feeling hot, clenched fists, breathless etc) and maybe develop a traffic light system for her to use? Requires her cooperation...but I'm guessing if her lack of anger control is scary for you then it is for her too.

Will dig through my stuff tomorrow (psychologist when baby brain hasn't melted it all...) and see if I can think of any other ideas.
Hope some of that helps :)

[KateShmate]

Hi OP, I don't have a 10YO but hope I can give some advice anyway :)

Please don't take this the wrong way OP, by the sounds of her behaviour you are doing a bloody good job! But, it just sounds like every time she has a tantrum and is abusive to the rest of the family, and then you've rightly punished her, you then feel guilty and reward her with sleeping in your bed/ doing fun things together / go to a craft fair etc etc.
I know that you need to get the balance right between having some good 1-1 time with her, but you also need to make her realise that you simply cannot do these nice things when her behaviour has been so bad.

I know it is going against a lot of other posts, but personally I think you need to sit down with her and have a serious word about how unacceptable this kind of behaviour is at 10 years old. You need to make it clear that you will not tolerate this from now on.
I think you said that you don't think she realises how bad her behaviour is when she goes into a tantrum like this - I've heard people before recording their DC's tantrum on a video to shock them into realising how awful it is. Would you try something like that?

I was going to suggest something like a reward chart, but I also think that it runs the risk of giving her attention for her behaviour when your other DC's behave but don't get anything, IYSWIM? But on the other hand, you know your DC's best and so might think it would be a good idea to try.

Second-ing what another poster said - I think anger management would be a good thing for her. She needs to be able to control this temper before the tantrum has even started. Maybe some professional advice will teach her how to breathe to calm herself down, and other similar techniques?

HTH OP, well done for persevering :)

[moogalicious]

Thanks for all your advice. I will have a look at the books

I think what I'm after is some anger management advice (for both of us!) and for her to recognise the signs. Over the last couple of weeks I have learnt to recognise when she is about to kick off and I need to find a consistent way of managing that.

Re anger management for me, I know it doesn't seem it from my first post but I am usually calm it takes ALOT for me to lose it. To my credit, since that awful first post I have not lost my temper and I hope you understand that to have a 10 yo kick me, scream at me and threaten to throw a chair at me means I was pushed to the limit!

Kate I have to carry on with the 1-1 time. I know that sleeping in my bed was wrong, but an hour of my time here and there is not something I can take from her. I have had issues with her behaviour from a young age and I think it stems from jealousy so it's important we have bonding time. She has been punished for her behaviour - the ds/computer is important to her so it does have an effect. I intend to talk to her today - she is off school (inset) so it's the perfect time!

Misty is there anything we can do when the warning signs start. Sending her to her room to calm down is obviously not working! Guessing she feels she is being punished?

I feel better knowing it's an anger management thing rather than a consistent bad behaviour thing, if that makes sense. We've had a lovely morning together, just hanging out going to the shops, I'm working now (well, supposed to be) and she's watching TV.

[moogalicious]

btw that wasn't directed at you midseason but at my assertion that I'm calm!

[Taffraid]

My DS has lots of anger. When he is hungry and tired mainly, but the key thing that pushes his anger button is when he feels things are unjust or he's been wronged/the goalposts shifted.

We practice adult anger management techniques ( he's 9 next week ) eg counting to 10, visualisation, deep breathing. Most of all for him its about distancing himself from the situation that is upsetting him temporarily, and giving him time to calm down.

He is a hotbed of emotions and he has to learn how to cope with them, which is where we come in as parents. Alongside discipline and rules of course about violence not being tolerated.

[moogalicious]

What do you mean by visualisation? Where does your ds go to calm down

Yes, guessing tiredness isn't helping (end of term) but also when things don't go her way generally.

[moogalicious]

ok, just had a chat with her and she doesn't recognise when she's getting angry. She's knows afterwards that she's been angry but not before. I think it comes over her so quickly she just can't control it. However, I can see it a mile off now.