I am amazed at his large capacity for spite and general unkindness. He's 6.

[WinkyWinkola]

My ds1 has always been tricky. Since the age of 2, he's raged constantly. Defiant, contrary, violent. Generally unpleasant.

We've had him referred to a paediatrician via the g.p. who could find nothing wrong. I tried to get him referred to CAMBHS (I think it's called) but they said they wouldn't see a young child who hasn't been diagnosed with anything specific. Nobody can help. He's on a waiting list for some therapy now. Has been for 9 months.

At school he's an angel. Great reports - he's docile, obliging, diligent, intelligent.

But at home. My god. He's the meanest, most spiteful boy you can imagine. If there's is anything he can do to upset his sister and his little brother, he will do it. I often spy on them in the front to make sure that I'm not judging this wrongly and he is unbelievable. Taking toys away for no reason, refusing to share, give back toys that don't belong to him or are of no interest to him, pushing, taunting.

He'll constantly and deliberately do stuff we've asked him not to do like drumming on the table at meal times, saying rude words he's picked up. He does defiant stuff with a smile on his face.

When he's out on play dates (he has very few friends so this doesn't happen often), the atmosphere in the house is so different. It's like we all breathe a sigh of relief and just rub along nicely. As soon as he's back, we all walk on egg shells again. I guess that's becoming chicken and egg.

I'm afraid I find it galling when I read his reports and see him getting certificates for good work and behaviour when I know how vile he is at home. I feel hypocritical cheering him on in assemblies when that morning, I've had to take away one of his bionicles for being utterly vile to one of his siblings or for deliberately weeing in the corner of his room.

Right now he's on his bed indefinitely. I told him off in the car because he took his sister's best cuddly toy and threw it out of her reach, just to piss her off again and make her cry. She's 4. In response to my telling him off, he threw his water bottle out of the window, nearly hitting a woman walking along the pavement. Great.

I really don't like him. He's spiteful. Unkind. Ungenerous to a startling level. Massively attention seeking by doing and saying things that he knows are not allowed. In short, I think he's a total prat. And I really look forward to the day when he is 18 and I can send him off out to university and never have to ask him 5,000 times to get dressed again as he smirks and spreads his bottom cheeks in his sister's face in response.

I know I sound extreme - I've said it, I'm wishing time away being his parent - but I'm just so very tired of this child and the constant dramas and issues he brings every single day. It's like he thrives on conflict and seeks to create scenes and problems at every opportunity. I'm very worried he's teaching my other dcs how to behave and they too will think being mean, unkind and ungenerous is the way forward.

I feel helpless and worn down and feel like I cannot win and make this boy a better person by explaining, showing, rewarding or punishing. He is who he is and it's really not a good thing.

Dh feels exactly the same but because he's at work, he only sees it at the weekends really but come Monday, he is so glad to get out of the door.

[EverSoLagom]

What a nightmare for you, you really have my sympathy.

I am absolutely no expert in any of this but a friend of mine is a primary teacher and she told me about a technique where the child is given a little whiteboard with a face on it, and they draw on the mouth to make it happy or sad or angry etc.

So if the child starts to misbehave the teacher asks him to stop and draw how he's feeling, and if he's angry there's a particular place he can go and sit to calm down.

It helps to teach the child to self-regulate his moods. And in some cases the child might draw a face spontaneously and come and show it eg if they've done something they are proud of.

Might be worth a try? (Or perhaps a similar technique).

[allthefires]

Op- read most but not all. Even showed my dp as some of it struck true with my ds 4.

Thank you so much for your honesty. It's given me alot to think about.

[halcyondays]

What happened when he saw the paediatrician, OP? Did they do a multiple disciplinary assessment? Did they consider things like ASD?

My dd1 has Aspergers and she is always very good at school, but can be very challenging at home sometimes. She loves the routine and busyness of school. Sometimes she's lovely at home but at times she can be very difficult. Deliberately being annoying, not doing what's she's told etc. Generally it's worse if she's tired or bored. I think it's normal for siblings to behave badly with each other, up to a point.

Does getting out of the house improve his behaviour, e.g going to the park, going out on his bike, etc?

[MyBoysHaveDogsNames]

I haven't read all of your post but my DS1 can be like this sometimes. I find it works so much better if we just get up and out. Run him like you would a dog! Just get out of the house and get some exercise. If we try and relax at home it is fine at first and then just descends into taunts, meanness and screaming due to restlessness and opportunity.

If I take them both out, keep them haring about, then it becomes easier. Just had a nightmare day where we stayed in this morning as I had things to do then went out to do some shopping. Cue bad behaviour, shouting, whinging, rudeness and teasing his brother mercilessly, even with me watching. Completely exasperating. I feel your pain.

The other thing that I have done for the last couple of years is spend a day along with DS1 every now and then. We go on a date - to the theatre, cinema, McDonalds, whatever! Just him and me and he is absolutely lovely company. It is so much easier to give him my full attention when not surrounded by washing, chores and my other son.

Good luck