should grandchild be a "treat" on grandmother's birthday?

[MamaLaMoo]

I have thought long and hard about posting this and how to explain it. I am not sure if I am being a touch sensitive as relations with MIL are always civil but painfully (for me anyway) lacking in real emotional connection. I find her very hard going, sadly DH frequently does to. Anyway...

I am uncomfortable with my MIL stated suggestion for what she wants to do on her birthday. She wants to take DD aged 2 off for the afternoon possibly with SIL and presumably go into town, have lunch, eat ice cream, the details of this are missing. She and SIL have discussed this together and this was presented a fortnight ago as the thing they would do on the birthday day (a Saturday) which my husband is unable to attend as he is going to a wedding, children not invited. I am not going to the wedding as I had assumed I would look after DD and will be a couple of weeks off giving birth to DD2. I was not asked at any stage what I would be doing or think of any of this. I was not actually spoken to about it either, it was spoken to my husband with me present, most conversation with MIL happens like this. The ideas was mooted as a way of "helping me out" when DH was at wedding.

This is categorically not about helping me out, the birthday is in 8 weeks time and I am crippled with PGP right now. If she wanted to help she could visit this week and do a bit of shopping and vacuum the house. That is a sugar coating on what is a request for DD to be with her for the day as her birthday treat. MIL has suggested nothing else, no dinner in a nice restaurant, no trip out nothing else to do on her birthday or the day after when we can all attend. It is also clear from request that I am not invited to this afternoon out.

I feel instinctively that there is something wrong about having a little child be the sole treat for a grown up's birthday. What if she is feeling poorly or is a bit confused by grandma taking her off for the day/afternoon without mummy and gets ratty and upset? There is great deal of expectation being placed on her little head here to basically perform and give grandma a nice time. I feel she is not being seen as a little person in her own right, more as an emotional fix for MIL. And why am I not included?

Does this seem normal or am I seeing a demon MIL where none exists?

[Octaviapink]

There's a difference between wanting to spend time with someone and using them as a crutch.

[MamaLaMoo]

Right then, a plan of action.

I think I need to separate the way the request for time with DD was put from the request itself. It is reasonable for a grandmother to offer to take a grandchild out for an afternoon even if she is only 2. Provided I know where they go, when they're back and what they are doing.

The way it was put, this persistent tendency to talk around me in my presence and the other issues regarding rudeness from MIL will be addressed in a firm but polite way in future. I will not have her be rude to me in front of my DD, nor do I want her to start similar dysfunctional ways of relating to her. Fear of nameless terror that will befall if MIL is ever confronted is DH problem, he has the fear and should address it himself. I would like him to discuss it with someone trained in family relationships but I doubt we have the time or money with a new baby due soon. This is a longer term issue I suspect.

However Octaviapink"s comments are pertinent, MIL has only two people she talks to or socialises with, DH and SIL. DH has expressed concern in the past that MIL may become obsessive regarding DD. MIL has a tendency to adopting a project to fill her life, sadly usually destructive court cases, endless complaints to companies etc etc, and he has been watching out to make sure DD doesn't become one (for example we mentioned in passing that she liked jigsaws, MIL presented us with 13 that she had spent a month tracking down in charity shops). I don't think it is normal for a 65 year old to have nothing at all that they can suggest for an activity on their birthday other than seeing grandchild without her mother, she didn't ask to see DH and SIL you understand, just DD. It's not as if we restrict access to DD anyway, MIL can see her whenever she wants.

Nor do I think it is normal to have the extended family fretting 3 months in advance about how they can best accommodate her wishes. In contrast my parents have birthday discussions which take place a week or two in advance and are simple "what you doing on your birthday?" "going out to dinner with X" "OK see you the day after?" "lovely, see you then". Done. It is not just birthdays, Christmas negotiations start from August, every family get together is coordinated to suite her needs to avoid FIL (her ex), to avoid my family so she gets exclusive time with DD, to provide her with suitable food, to be on a convenient day etc. This is controlling, prima-donna behaviour. I just don't want to cooperate with this demanding, emotionally immature person. She can't dictate terms for when and how she sees my beautiful daughter, she can sod off.

Rant over.

[needanewname]

Good for you.

I like how you have presented it in a calm manner, if you do show this to your DH he will see that you are both serious and rational and that it is his mother (and the wider family) who are being totally unrational and unreasonable.

Good luck and let us knwo how it goes.

[ChippingIn]

Good for you - you needed to get constructively angry!

[HansieMom]

I don't think you should allow MIL to be in charge of DD because the lady sounds deranged.

[Gonzo33]

I think you are doing the right thing letting her have your DD for the morning/afternoon/day. I understand your difficulties. I have a MIL who is very similar, in fact I could almost have written this myself. It is a very difficult situation to work around without her and your husband having some kind of counselling.

All I can offer is a (((HUG))).