Happy as an only child?

[Blundermum]

Hi, I have DD nearly three and am also on the 'will I won't I' camp.
I don't really feel broody...Its more the constant guilt and worry that the only child stigma may have some truth in it.
Have any of you made the decision to have one child based on the fact that you also had no siblings and were happy?
I would really like to know, from the horses mouth if you like!

[thisisyesterday]

i have three children, BUT dp is an only child.

when we were discussing number 2 we did talk a lot about only children and how he felt being an only child

he says it never bothered him at all. he had friends to play with, his parents, a very close relationship with his nan. It never struck him as odd, and he never felt as though he missed out on anything becuase he never knew anything different iyswim?

he IS quite weird. but he might have been like that even if he had siblings

[sheilatakeabow]

I'm an only child, and am also at the will-we-won't-we time. I hate being an only child, particularly as I've got older, while DH is from biiig family and would quite happily stick at one. However, DS was such a nightmare baby that we really can't face going through it again, even balanced against the experience I've had of being an only.
Would love to hear about other perople's experiences/dilemmas

[thisisyesterday]

on a slight tangent Sheila, i've had one nightmare baby and 2 really lovely ones! so you might get lucky

[sheilatakeabow]

I think DH more than me is too scared to take that risk!

[IsItMeOr]

I'm one of four, DH one of two, but for specific reasons, was sometimes more like an only.

DS is a nightmare baby, having slept through the night only once for each of his 15 months.

Cannot imagine us being able to face going through it again, not least as we are getting a bit past it now. But like OP I have the worry that there might be something to the only child stigma.

What to do?!

[Blundermum]

I know 'tis a difficult one...
I can't say DD was a difficult baby, more I was a difficult mother! I had postnatal depression and still struggle at times, def. not one of the maternal types at all!
Don't get me wrong, I love DD more than life itself but I am a naturally stressy person and an OCD grade neat freak, so I spend time I should be enjoying LO worrying about stupid things like finger smears on the windows etc.
Wish with all my heart I could change, when people tell me that in the great scheme of things a few crumbs on the floor dont matter I want to scream DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT!!?? Being like this isnt a choice, its a compulsion.
Sorry, went off on one there
Anyhow, feel I'm not woman enough for the job if you know what I mean.

[BarbieLovesKen]

Hello, I was an only child (still am, I suppose?). It wasnt terrible but, if Im honest, because of my being an only child vowed never, ever to leave dd as an only. Very lonely at times. Not particulary nice.

I was in will I wont I camp too - in the respect that I wasnt broody but because of my own childhood, almost felt a responsibility to "go again". DS is fabulous and am so glad. Definately not finished and if I could afford it, would adore a big family.

DH is one of 5 and also would never have wanted dd to be an only child.

Best of luck in your decision.

[BendyBob]

I am an only and have 3 dc. I definately wanted more than one child if I was to have any at all.

I didn't give it much thought at the time because being an only was all I knew, but looking back I do very much wish things were different. It's hit me more now in my 40's in retrospect.

I think my parents got it wrong in lots of ways, but that's my parents. Many people on here now with one dc would be totally different so I'm probably not typical.

[CuppaTeaJanice]

I think it hits you when you're an adult, and you realise that your ageing parents are your sole responsibility. Also at Christmas at DPs parents, it's buzzing with his sister and her husband and kids, whereas at my parents it's just them, Dp and me, and DS.

While you're growing up it's great. No bossy older sisters, or annoying little brothers, and no need to share toys or fight. No sibling rivalry.

[CMOTdibbler]

I have friends who are both onlies, and chose to be a one child family. Neither of them fit the only child stereotype

FWIW, I have a sibling who I only see very rarely, and who is certainly no help with my parents as they age. So having a sibling does not mean a child will have that support as they age

[castille]

My Dad was an only child. He hated it.

But that was probably more to do with the way he was treated by his parents (mother who was in no way maternal, very critical father).

[catsdontscreetch]

I'm an only child and loved it, and I chose to only have one. We have a great relationship (and no we're not best friends, I'm her mum)
She does know that she is the most important person in my life.

I have to admit I did get a bit broody when she was 3, but I think that was because she was growing up and I missed the baby side of her. Now she's older I wouldn't want to go through it again.

I would like to add anyone who has more has my complete admiration, I just wouldn't have the energy.

[GenevieveHawkings]

It's interesting that so many of the people who "hated" the experience of being an only child were children a long time ago now.

I think that in so many ways the experience of childood was different many years ago.

Children nowadays have so many more opportunities to socialise and meet with other children.

I think the old fashioned idea of being an only child is very much a thing of the past. Only children were more of a rareity years ago than they are today so stood out more and were more socially stigmatised.

I don't think that the modern generation of only children will grow up to have the same views of their childhoods.

[MamaVoo]

I agree Genevieve. My son is only 2 1/2 but we go out and about and have so much fun together. I don't want any more children and am looking forward to the things we can do as DS gets older. When I was a child it was all about amusing yourself at home while mum got on with the housework. I was probably more bored with a sibling (who I had nothing in common with)than DS will be as an only.

[IsItMeOr]

I was wondering whether it might be that people who had an only in the past would nowadays be more comfortable with deciding not to have children at all. And if the problems onlies from earlier generations experienced might partly be that they were parented by people who didn't really want to be parents at all iyswim?

[guineagents]

Hi there, just wanted to say good luck with yr decision- im in a similar place and know its a hard one. I was an only child and always said id never have an only. I hated the experience I cant lie. I felt lonely, strange ( back in the 70s!) and the sole focus of attention-in a bad way. but.. am definately starting to agree with what others have said, that it was v different back then- i was the only "onlie" that i knew. My parents were older and tbh dont think my mother ever wanted kids anyway so that didnt help.

Things are v different now and dont hink id feel as guilty about only having my DS.I think its fine to be an only- more about ME wanting or not wanting another child thats the hard bit!

[GenevieveHawkings]

I think you have made a good and very valid point there IsItMeOr.

Also, another point to bear in mind is that years ago people who suffrered secondary infertility would have been far more open to the idea of adopting a baby to "complete" their family. Adopting was far more commonplace then and seen as an ideal solution, before the advent of IVF and other infertility treatment, and also there were far more babies available for adoption as the young girls who keep them nowadays very rarely did years ago.

Children did very little in the way of socialising outside of the home years ago too. Going to a friend's party, or occasionally being invited home to play and have tea after school, or to have a friend to your place, would have been the highspot. Playing out would have been far more common and if you didn't have much in the way of friends around locally to play with then you'd have been stuffed.

Life is far more child-centered and fun for kids these days than it ever was when I was a child.

Nowadays, children always seem to be out doing things - well mine does at least. My DS is either at school mixing with other kids, at various sports clubs and activities evenings and weekends mixing with other kids, or he's playing out with other kids or his cousins. When he's in he's interacting with friends on Facebook/MSN/Skype etc. I think he has more than enough interaction with other kids. We don't always holiday alone and sometimes go with friends and/or family and their kids or if we are on our own he finds new friends when we get there no problem at all. Occasions like Christmas and Easter are always filled with family and friends too.

I can't for the life of me see how my DS misses out on anything by not having a sibling, and nor can he.

Why is it such a big deal and what does make such a huge difference? After all, most people only have one sibling. Why does that one extra child seem to make such a difference to so many people? The answer is (IMHO anyway), that when you boil it down, it doesn't.

[mrsharrycunningham]

I'm an only child and have 1 DS who is 4. DH has a brother but he is 12 years older so often felt like he was an only child too. I struggled with post-natal depression after birth of my DS and we always said that we were happy with just him and we weren't having any more. I had a stroke last summer and have been advised not to have anymore children and it's funny, now someone has told me I can't have one I kind of think I want one!

I think its such a personal choice and doesn't really matter. The important thing is that the child/children have good, loving relationships with friends and family.

[Blundermum]

Thanks all for the replies, guineagents good luck with your decision too.
I swing from yes to no alarmingly frequently, if I dither for much longer I'll be menopausal and the decision will be taken out of my hands

[Orissiah]

Hello, I am an only child with an only child and she will remain an only child by choice. All experiences are different, obviously, but my own childhood as an only was wonderful and filled with friends, family and activities. I'm not lonely as an adult because I still have friends and family around me. Yes, my parents are aging and ailing. But my DH and friends and other family members will be there for me to help out with my parents and be there for me when they pass on from this world. For these reasons I have no worries about DD being an only child - so long as she is surrounded by love and friendship.

[Species8472]

I was an only, have 1 DC and planning to have it stay at 1. I had a happy childhood (apart from my mum's 2 divorces, but that's a different matter entirely....)and never yearned for a sibling.

To be accurate. I did have 3 half-siblings, the first of which appeared when I was 12, but they didn't live with me so it wasn't at all like having a standard set of siblings, plus they were so much younger than me and I only saw them the odd weekend. Now we're all adults I do consider them to be siblings, but we never treally had the full sibling relationship and we're not that close (nor are they very close to each other).

I think living as an only made me self-sufficient, independent and able to entertain myself. I really like my own company, but also like the company of others and have lots of great friends, lovely DH and beautiful DD . I was quite a shy child; I have no idea if I would have been more confident with a sibling or not, who can tell? I know almost nobody with 1 child, they all have 2 and everyone assumes we'll have another, but I doubt it. I'm 40 and can't imagine coping with another until DD's at least at school, by which time I'll be ancient . One's hard enough for me.

[stripeyknickersspottysocks]

My DD is 9 and an only, she's very unhappy about it and frequently sobs and begs me to have another. She tells me that she's lonely and that she would give anything for a brother or sister. I've left it too late, if I had another now by the time they were a toddler she'd be a grumpy pre-teen off with her friends and not interested in a sibling.

I do try telling her that if she had a brother or sister it wouldn't all be being best friends and playing ,etc. She'd be fed up of them pinching her toys, etc. I had a brother and we never used to play together.

[glastocat]

I'm an only who has an only son. I loved being an only child, and my son does too. I have asked him many times if he would like a sibling and he says no way! He's nine now and I'm pretty much past it, so it looks like he'll stay that way. I'm happy with that. I would have theoretically liked more, but had a very scarey birth experience and rotten PND, so I'll stick with one, and be glad I have him.

[minxofmancunia]

When i gor pg with dd (3.10) it was due to a contraceptive failure, I didn't even know if I wanted children. I cried everyday during the pg and despite loving her desperately when she was born had awful hideous pnd, suicidality, hallucinations, obsessive compulsive tendencies the works. Dh lost it a bit too and it nearly broke us as a couple. obviously after all that i thought never again, however when she was about 20m I couldn't get rid of this niggling feeling and just couldn't reconcile myself to my dd being alone one day when me and dh were gone. Morbid I know.

I also knew if I was going to do it I wanted to get it "out of the way" before my 35th birthday. I didn't want to be getting up in the night with a newborn in my 40s. So we went on to have my fantastic, gorgeous adorable ds who's 10m. Dd is so so much happier now, she's the kind of child who needed a sib IYKWIM. I Do find it hard, I'm not naturally maternal, I prefer toddlers to babies but it's still better this way for us. dd adores her baby brother, no jealousy, v helpful and nurturing and he is thrilled by her, he far prefers her to me or dh, she's more fun!

I also feel this huge sense of liberation knowing pg, childbirth and bf are behind me now and each "stage" that ds goes through is done. IE I'll never have to do the faff of weaning ever again. By the time I'm 40 they'll both be at school and after sacrificing my 30s to my dependent pre school children I'm going to have fun!!! Obviously they'll still need me and I'll still do lots for them but dd nearly 4 is SOOOOOO much easier now than she was even a year ago.

However I can totally understand why a horrible birth, a difficult baby, pnd, sleep probs and other scary stuff can totally put people off having another.

Interestingly at nursery dd is the only one with a younger sib, her peers are either the youngest themselves or onlies. The majority onlies and the parents aren't thinking of having anymore. Quite different from 30 years ago.

[grapeandlemon]

DD age 3 is my only, although she has much older siblings from DH previous marriage whom she sees from time to time.

She is polite, happy outgoing gregarious and literally passes toys to her pals when they come over to play. Financially we are v secure and can provide luxuries. I had an awful time with the birth, nearly died and terrible PND. She was also quite a poorly infant so now we are really starting to enjoy it all and loving every minute. I get broody for 5 mins sometimes but the reality of having a newborn in my arms now would fill me with panic.

Both DH and I come from large families and are not close or loving with our siblings. Yu just never know.