One child by choice - reasons why?

[darkchocolatecoffee]

I always envisaged having 2 children but I’m finding parenting hard and have no desire to go back to the start.

I see a lot of reasons for stopping at 1 child are usually fertility and finances.

but has anyone stopped just because they simply don’t want a second child for reasons like:
-less strain on relationship with your partner
-can afford 2 but want a better lifestyle for 1
-both parents working full time busy jobs and no family help so wish to put all energy and time into 1 child
-more feasible to retain some of ‘old’ life like hobbies, interests and socialising and have some personal down time

I often see it said on here ‘don’t have a second child just for sibling!!’ But then others will trot out the stereotypes about only children being lonely and selfish…

I also look around and can see some lovely sibling relationships but also some ranging from indifference to being estranged/no contact with a lot of trauma caused from childhood into adulthood…. So nothing can be guaranteed.

can anyone empathise or had similar reasons to above for sticking to 1 child?

I had some similar reasons but above all, I just don't/didn't want a second. I don't feel any guilt about that at all. I don't feel broody, think other people's babies are okay but am glad to hand them back and adore hanging out with my DS more than anything in the world. DS has a great life - as do we.

Yes I always saw myself with more than one growing up but had my son and I instantly said I was one and done. Everyone said I'd change my mind but as time goes by I'm still resolved to only having one. No other reason than I just don't want any more. Every passing year it gets easier and I grow more confident I've made the right choice.

I don't want another child. I'm an only child myself and have always been absolutely fine/quite happy about that, so I'm sure that affects my decision.

I don't want a noisy house full of bickering. I find parenting really, really hard and have no desire to start again with a baby. I don't want my life to entirely revolve around child-based things for the next 10 years. And I had a really tough pregnancy and don't want to do it again.

Conversely, I would like my child to have a sibling. He's a very different person to me and I think he'd like it. But... he's five, and ideally I'd have had another one three years ago. Now the age gap would be huge and they wouldn't be able to play together for years. And ultimately, I don't want another child. So... one it is.

I was happy with one. She was great, didn’t love the baby years and if I am honest found it all a bit dull. Enjoyed the toddler years and then on but had no desire to “go back” in hindsight it was right for us. She’s at uni now, we both have had decent jobs and pensions as we weren’t out of the game for long. DH takes retirement this year at 51 and we will be mortgage free etc and are living lovely lives with nice holidays 2/3 times a year, which if we had another we probably couldn’t have done until further down the line or at all?!? DD loves being an only child and we can give her so much more in terms of attention and financial help for example. I was one of 4 and hated just feeling like a number. DH was a late in life accident so his parents struggled with this in every way.

I would have liked two, but I had DS at 38, husband was 49. We both have depression, he also has anxiety. I thought, due to being older, plus our age gap, the chances of a having a child with a disability was higher and I just know mentally DH wouldn't have coped. He struggled a bit with the first few years as it is.

It's selfish, I suppose, but I think better not to have brought another child into it. DS is wonderful and we're so happy to have him. We got lucky and just have to count our blessings.

Thanks everyone
@Thethruththewholetruth I had thought the same about retirement, that sounds amazing!

I had quite bad anxiety and DH has AdHD and found parenting a
small child quite hard going.

I'm very senior at work and love it, I didn't want another year out. I also don't know if I could do my job with another child in play. DH also
loves his job and doesn't want to do more childcare (although we both adore DD)

My parents do a fair bit of childcare (they live nearby) and find it massively easier with one. They help my sisters out too (they are further away) and are exhausted with multiple children.

I find children arguing excruciating for some reason and would've found sibling dynamics very hard.

We have significantly more money and can have holidays plus a fund for DD university / house deposit to help her.

We have a smallish house in central London and don't want to move.

DDs friends are all 5 mins away due to minuscule school catchment so she has tons of playmates and play dates.

I love babies so in different circs I could have had another. But not in my circumstances.

@fiskalita i have similar situation to you with a senior job and a 3 bed flat in London and not wanting to have to move.

I think in London particularly it’s more common to go childfree or stop at one, so hopefully there is less stigma and more appetite for play dates.

i also I think it would be very tough with both parents in busy high pressure careers balancing 2 children and life and these careers. I have seen it done but it looks incredibly difficult. Neither of us wants to stay home.

Yes I share all of your reasons. Also had terrible pnd and I can't even be in the same room as a baby even now 10 years on so realistically another was never something I could bear to contemplate. Lots of her friends are also only children so she doesn't feel the odd one out; it's much more common now than it used to be.

We struggled both financially and with our relationship when our only was a baby. We survived, but I wasn’t prepared to risk it again. I was much happier once I was back working.

I know people who didn't want to go through pregnancy, childbirth and parenting a baby again and are happy with one. They are not only children themselves interestingly, I am am only child and didn't want to have just one. I didn't mind as a child but growing up I've sometimes wished for a sibling (an older one for some reason). Another friend of mine also is only child and also said she didn't want that for her kids. The reasons I was given by my mum were she wanted to give me all her attention and love. Both my parents had lots of siblings so I think they wanted the opposite, especially my mum who was the oldest of 10 and felt really burdened and possibly neglected. I get the impression single children are better behaved and easier to "control" but my kids have so kuch fun together although they gang up and can be quite a handful. It can be hard work with 2 but also a lot of the time just get on playing with each other and don't need so much adult attention so they can play for hours and I can get on with things whereas I guess an only child might need us more to play. You have to go with what you feel is right for you ultimately.

I just don't feel like looking after 2.

I am one and done by choice. I will copy and paste my response from an earlier thread on this topic:

”I am a mum of one and often post on these threads when they come up. My reasons for sticking with one are:

1. I haven’t felt even slightly broody since DD (now 8) was born. We have a lovely life and it doesn’t feel like there is anyone ‘missing’ from our family.
2. I have a chronic illness which means I am tired a lot of the time. I think I would struggle to cope physically with more than one child.
3. I am extremely introverted and dislike too much noise and mess.
4. We would struggle financially.
5. I have a sibling with severe disabilities and know for a fact that I wouldn’t cope with that myself. Having a second seems like an unnecessary roll of the dice.

I do sometimes feel guilty at not ‘providing’ a sibling, but I also believe strongly that every child should be as wanted as my DD was, and not just provided as a service to an existing child.”

I have one. A few reasons… I was from a large family and it was a negative experience, none of us get on. Also DD wasn’t an easy birth ( traumatic) and a high maintenance baby although I adore her. I didn’t want to go through it again. She’s a teen now. Popular, confident.. I’ve no regrets.

I only ever imagined myself with one. One is fulfilling and lovely enough.
I find babies and small children incredibly boring and had no desire to do it again. I was also the eldest of 3 and my siblings haven’t added much to my life to be honest, so providing siblings has never been a factor in my decision.

I'm ttc for my first, and if I'm successful, will be my only.

I already know I just want one child. I think our lives will be enriched by one but destroyed by two. Our house, finances, patience and age (37) is better suited to just one child

It's pointless giving it too much thought as there are too many variables.

My adult kids have all met up for a siblings get together this weekend so that makes me happy I had four kids. On the other hand, I don't even speak to one of my three siblings (tbf he doesn't speak with anyone 😢).

You should just do what you think is what is right for you and your partner and then not bother thinking about it. I've known loads of single kids over the years but and there are definitely pros and cons but I would have happily had a single kid if that's had suited us when we were younger.

I also believe strongly that every child should be as wanted as my DD was, and not just provided as a service to an existing child.

@bookworm14 yes I agree with this. I also would worry if doing it purely for the sibling reason, if could lead to resentment if they don’t ultimately get on.

@ABitBright I agree, there are so many variables and there are many adult onlies who loved their childhood and others who wished for a sibling, but you can’t pick that sibling unfortunately.

We have one DS. We wanted more and we could have progressed to IVF but there were no reasons why I wouldn't lose those babies like I did the others I conceived naturally so we accepted our one child family.

He's 11 now and I'm ok with it. Occasionally I get a pang, but I would genuinely freak out if I got a positive test in the morning. Mainly because I'm 49 and feel too old to have the toddler stages in my early 50s!

Sometimes DS says he would like a sibling. That's when I invite my sisters kids over for a long weekend . He sees that while it's great to have a sibling or two, there are downsides and squabbles and stuff like that. I think he quite likes that there's no sibling taking his stuff or ratting him out or him having to take turns on a console. He's got other cousins a couple of doors down from him that treat him like a brother - though he's pre-teen and they are teen so they are at different stages for a couple of years. I go out of my comfort zone as an introvert to network and offer lots of play dates and sleepovers so he's got a big social life and a good circle of solid friends.

Thanks @Turfwars im also an introvert so would also expect to go out of my comfort zone to ensure a good social network for my daughter

I thought we would have 2 but I struggled to have 1 and it nearly broke me and I just wanted to enjoy every moment with her. 12 years in and no big regrets. I love the peace, the closeness and the freedom we have with 1. Plus she talks enough for 3 people 😂

We have an only DS. I didn't have a number of children I wanted in my head but as soon as he was born I just knew our family was complete. I had a terrible pregnancy with HG and was hospitalised for a large chunk of it so would not like to go through that again.

He is 7 now and he is so happy and has never asked for a sibling, not to say that he never will, but I am a firm believer in not having children as a gift for an already existing child. I am the eldest of 3 and my siblings were not a gift to me, in fact one of them has actively made my life harder in a lot of ways with having a lot of issues and taking up a lot of my parents time and resources.

We are a very happy family of 3 and very happy we made this decision. It has to be a decision that is best for you and your family.

I've always wanted one but now mine is 7, I want a sibling for her.

I've just left a well paid job to start a consultancy so I've said I'll see what the bank looks like in 12 months (and if we're not all starving then I'll have another. If not, sorry DD you're an only child!).

From a different point of view. I am an only adult child. I never wanted a sibling and a idilic childhood. As an adult I have never struggled making friends. I am sociable and I hope kind and considerate to other people
I was not spoiled at all but very loved

Quite simply, my partner was adamant he only ever wanted one and was upfront about it at the start of our relationship. Like you, I envisioned having 2 prior to this, but I made a choice when I committed to my partner and decided 1 would be enough for me.

Despite this, actually only having one child has been great. I've never longed for a second child ,and my friends have all gone on to have multiple chilldren. My son has lots of friends, hobbies, nice holidays, no arguments . Just the three of us, is perfect for us.