Only child fam, no family, mental breaking point

[lifeparadox333]

I'm sorry this is a lot but I'm at breaking point mentally, I just wish I'd seen it all coming but I don't know how I didn't except I just wanted a normal family so much but I didn't see the issues having no decent family would cause! This is a lot but I'm in such an unusual situation, an awful situation that would be most people's nightmare! We had our daughter at 33, due to her terrible sleep and behaviour we haven't managed to have another as we'd hoped that's the first issue I'm dealing with as never planned an only child! The other issue is my mum died shortly after she was born with a sudden late stage cancer diagnosis. My dad (step dad) fallen apart since & I'm dealing with seeing him hugely struggle, my real dad is truly the most awful & strange person I've ever met!!! I can't undertand just how he is my father at all, he's so self centred and odd, we're NC until I was 21 but it's not worked since he's so strange it's like unbelievable how we are even related! His Nan app told my mum before she died that she also never bonded with him (she was app more like myself) my partners mother walked on them all when they were little they have no contact, we were not traumatized by our childhoods, my mum was there but not there she had her own tragic childhood losing her mother at 11 to cancer with a father she didn't get on with, it's honestly all so awful! All we wanted was to have a normal family! We have worked our asses off to provide a decent home and live in a nice place but we feel so out of place here and are so lonely and I am wracked with such guilt that we have such little family for her and wracked with guilt for not considering how this would impact our child!!! I'll never forgive myself for us just thinking that she'd be ok with just us! It's crippling the guilt and I'm struggling now with major depressive moods, how is this someone's reality,all our reality! How do I move forward to keep my head to be here for her! I feel so bad about it that I wish I could take us all away from this awful situation, I feel like we're surrounded by so many normal families and everyone must think we're such bad people for making this decision and not also providing another sibling but it's not been easy it's been gruelling! To add to this my bond with my child is also difficult as she has so many traits like my dad who I didn't get on with which is another blow to an already hard situation! I just wish I'd seen it all coming and I desperately need some advice on how to keep moving forward because I feel like giving up because it all seems so hopeless

I make an effort to see as many friends as we can but this is hard with being so busy but I make as much effort as I can and despite my daughter again being so different to eachother I'm trying to make much effort as I can but it is hard as it's obv just like with my dad we're so different.

I feel like there can't possibly be many people in this world that have a life that's turned out like mine and I feel sorry for anyone that has; if there is anyone that can relate to my situation or can advise me as I'm at rock bottom, I don't know how much longer I can cope 😓

[lifeparadox333]

We WERE traumatized by our childhoods (didn't mean to put not).

[wasanneofcleves]

I think you need to pay for some private counselling. There is an awful lot to unpick here. Lots of people don't have a big family network. It's absolutely fine and not something to be ashamed or depressed about to this extent. You also shouldn't be projecting your dads characteristics on a child, it's hugely damaging and unhealthy. Your child won't be damaged by not having a big extended family but they are likely to be damaged by having a parent with depression and who allows their own family issues to damage their relationship with their child. I would find someone who specialises in family trauma and get some help asap. MN is not going to be able to help with this.

[Eekmystro]

Oh op it really sounds like you are beating yourself up here. The guilt you feel for your Dd is really miss placed.

Listen- no one has a perfect family or a perfect childhood. All we can do is provide the best we possibly can for our children. Ok she doesn’t have a sibling or extended family members but she has 2 parents who love her. That’s not a minor thing and, in my opinion, is way more important than most other things. For what it’s worth I think it’s lovely you made a sensible decision to keep at 1 child. So many have more because they feel they should despite not being able to manage. You prioritised your families stability.

In terms of other people. They won’t be thinking anything about you. Most People are all very self involved and don’t spend ages thinking about the set up of other peoples families.

Have you or partner sought support for the trauma from your childhoods?

You say you make effort to see friends. That’s fab. Keep doing that. Make your own extended “family”.

I am from a very large family. 14 aunts and uncles and a ridiculous amount of cousins. Several of them are abusive, several alcohol and with the exception of 2 cousins I don’t see any of them. So extended families aren’t the be all and end all.

[Lalalanding]

@lifeparadox333 have you considered your child (and father) might have ASD. The not sleeping. The unusual behaviour etc.

[MintJulia]

No-one is blaming you for only having one. If they are, they will also be blaming me and my little sis, and my best friend, and my neighbours. There is nothing unusual about it. About one in 5 children are onlies. How old is your dd now?

Children develop and change hugely over the years. You'll love her more as her little personality emerges . My ds has one of his df's annoying traits (ott fastidiousness) but there are so many other things I love about him, it doesn't matter.

We don't have any family nearby, parents dead etc, but my ds has acquired a 'pseudo-nan', our ex-next door neighbour whose own dgcs are in NZ. They get on wonderfully, have a dgc type relationship. Your dd (and you) will make friends through school, and through hobbies and activities. I have a close friend whose son is a similar age to mine, we met through the school.

'Family' can come in all sorts of ways. We've accumulated them as we've gone along, like a snowball 🙂

Try to stop feeling guilty, please stop worrying you've done anything wrong because you haven't. Maybe speak to your gp about how low you feel at the moment.

[Eurghkids]

It sounds like there is something ND about your dad and child. I think you should look into this more so you can better understand them both.

lots of people create their own family with little to no extended. Myself included. Family is nice but it’s also what you make it. DH has family but isn’t close to them, there is no guarantee. I’m sure in-laws thought having 4 kids would mean they’d all be good adult friends but they’re not. You can’t predict future relationships. Your dd will grow up to have a fulfilling life with meaningful relationships if she wants to. Friends are everything.

I think you need therapy.

[lifeparadox333]

I never felt a bond with either of my parents at all! I always call myself the reject gene, I should most likely have been my grandparents on my dads side, child, as we were app so similar, my nan and grandad found my dad so hard to bond with and they had a very hard time as a family as he was so different to them and vice versa. I don't have anyone I feel related too, even my step sister turned out so different to me, she's like my mother who could be awful at times, she found my quiet and hard working nature hard to live with, I likes to keep the house tidy as it was always such a disorganised mess due to her mental health issues, I was a child that likes to be cuddled and I never was by her, I have no memory of being hugged or read a book too or being coached with anything in life at all, at 18 she wanted me out! She clubbed together with my half sister who was argumentative and tbh lazy and hardly ever attended school, my step dad thankfully was the only person that ever showed me any love and i am so grateful for him! His own daughter never bonded with him but he never stood up for himself and let them get away with much more they shouldn't have done. My mumbled tmy step sister in a mess and only now 4 yrs in is she realising this. I feel like life has been so unfair and cruel to me, I've always tried to be so positive and good because I believed it was the right way to be, but this life has crapped all over me! I was so incredibly lucky I met my partner when I did who helped me out of such a vile situation and it was our tragic upbringings that we related on but has sadly made our lives even worse! He struggled with his temper at times due to seeing his dad raise 3 of them alone as his mother walked out on them all so young. He was raised with such a strong work ethic and despite him being affected so much himself by the loss of his mother he is so kind, he does have his own issues understandably and we have had our own issues at the start of our parenting journey when it dawned on us that we had got a child that was going to be difficult for us. Up to 3 months it was a dream and it was going so well despite an horrific and disastrous birth, shes woke us multiple times for the last 3.5 yrs it was terrible truely awful and it triggered a major autoimmune illness for my partner who now on top of it all has severe colitis. We have had to endure a lot of crying and battling constant defying everything we ask her to do, we are so gutted, we undertand children can be difficult and raising them but this is another league of hard!!! The tantrums we're off the scale and we aren't sure if this is just normal under 5 behaviour or possible ODD with maybe Asperger's/autism, we've been assured by pre school and now school she presents normally but at home we have a nightmare!!

Very explosive tantrums, refuses to eat, due to have bloods checked as she's so small, unagreeable nature, she is like out mothers and my difficult father, we have been unlucky and I am personally so fearful of how I will cope with raising a child like this if this continues. We are kind, hard working and good people who have had such hard and crap lives that only ever wanted to be loved and have a child we could show love to and finally have a family that was different to each of our own but it doesn't look like this will be our future at all!

I'll never undertand this life and I do feel it is cruel and so unfair, I just need to let this out, and find some way to be able to accept her for being who she is even if this is like our parents and this sinking feeling I carry everyday of such hopelessness for the future as this is now our lives.

I almost feel like I have no control of my future anymore because she can't even abide with us or even a lot of times compromise with us, maybe we aren't being strict, maybe we have to find a way to accept her for how she is. It's like this for example, we have always loved walking, she hates it! She refuses to walk even short distances, my parents were like this, telly addicts spent all their days sat in front of the tv! We try to change this much as we can but it's a draining battle so we have mostly just accepted this being how it is. We love food and trying new things, she rarely ever will eat the same meal same time as us, point blank refuses and will then wake up all night asking for milk so we have to give her anything that she will eat which is mostly awful food which we feel terrible giving her as want her to be trying to eat healthier.

She doesn't like the cinema, doesn't like to go to parties, often clings to me which is so hard for the first hr when neerly every other child is just having fun! Never seemed int in being at the park when she was little, she just seems happy to be inside in the house and in front of a tv or screen!

Ive always tried to socialise her as much as she's comfortable with, I've never forced anything but do worry she's naturally inclined to not being sociable. We live in quite a nice area due to how hard we've worked and she does appear to me to be a bit different to her peers which is a worry only because I want her to be sociable and have friends. She is almost 5 so has so much other to develop yet but it's clear what her natural traits appear to be. And having not a lot of family input or someone to talk to except my step dad who I try not to burden too much as he's struggling with the loss of my mum and his own hard relationship with his daughter he doesn't need this on top.

I'm sorry for this length but this is more than anyone I know could ever cope with, i feel like my life is a disaster and life's been so unfair to us, I just need some wise words and if anyone can relate to this, prob unlikely but any positive advice as I'm drowning in all of this x

[PinkMimosa]

You've a lot going on there @lifeparadox333 and I'm not surprised that you're struggling now.

It must have been so hard losing your DM like that so soon after having your DD. Have you had any grief counselling? I found it really, reel it helpful when my own DF died very soon after a Cancer diagnosis.

And like others have said. Your little family of 3 is normal. It's especially normal for your DD who hasn't ever known any different.

You say that you have trouble bonding with her. Was the birth traumatic by any chance?

If her behaviour is like your "D"F's could they both be ND?

[lifeparadox333]

@Lalalanding YES! I have! This is something that has dawned on me just recently, they are so similar in their ways and they just get along like a father and a daughter. My dad is quite old now but is very rude, he has no manners at all, he doesn't care how he appears to anyone any his brother, my uncle who sadly died a few yrs ago also struggled with him and told me he thinks he might have Asperger's and I wonder if he is correct. He has no filter and has a highly irritating and rude issue of never letting anyone finish a sentence, he talks only of himself and never asks anyone how they are or anything about them. Our daughter had a terrible habit also of constantly taking over us both it's highly irritating and we have tried so many ways to combat this but it seems almost impossible to stop but we are still trying to work on this. I think I need a private counsellor, I don't know what I do to get her checked for possible ASD which I guess is Asperger's?

[lifeparadox333]

@Eekmystro thank you for this helpful reply, I think I do need to seem some professional counselling, I think I've always put this to the back of my mind as I largely left a lot of this behind until my daughter came along and the extent of it all and what I'm potentially dealing with has hit me full force! I need to get some help as this is a huge problem I need support with.

Thank you for replying xx

[Schneekugel]

This is the intrusive negative thoughts of your depression speaking. Ignore them, they're not real. Maybe exacerbated by lack of sleep if DC is keeping you up?

Your DC isn't suffering because of a lack of family. Not if she's cared for and loved.

Take things back to basics. Nutrition, opportunity to sleep, home a safe place, no emotional or physical abuse, clothing, bedding, a few personal possessions eg toys stuffed animals books etc., opportunity to play both alone and with other children and also sometimes withyou, time spent as a family, some kind of birthday and Christmas celebration. Treated with love, respect, discipline as appropriate, listened to, hugged, comforted when necessary, established routines to help them navigate life. That's about it. Stop fussing over minor details. Involve DC in hobbies/groups/social situations as appropriate, "family" doesn't have to mean blood relatives. DC will find their tribe and has you and DP too. It's enough.

Other family members are an optional extra that isn't necessary for a child to grow into a well rounded adult without issues. Plenty of people have extended family and they're toxic, harmful people who result in difficult situations. Be thankful you're NC with your toxic ones.

[lifeparadox333]

@MintJulia thank you so much for your reply and your words of encouragement! I appreciate all these replies it's such a lonely place I feel like I'm in! I am so grateful for the kindness that people take the time to jjsy reply and offer some form of words of help xxx

[lifeparadox333]

@Eurghkids sorry ND what does this stand for? Xx

[AshleyBlue]

He has no filter and has a highly irritating and rude issue of never letting anyone finish a sentence,

Our daughter had a terrible habit also of constantly taking over us both it's highly irritating and we have tried so many ways to combat this but it seems almost impossible to stop

If they're talking, a person isn't having to listen to someone else talking. Not having to take in more information than they can cope with processing. Google the NAS video "too much information".

[lifeparadox333]

@PinkMimosa thank you for the reply, I haven't had grief counselling, I didn't have a good relationship with her, she could be awful to me but it was difficult still losing her at such a time in my life, my poor step dad was left to sort it all as our baby was born long long after but yes it was traumatic, it was a disaster but I just let that go and moved on, once she was out it was all fine, but it was just her non stop repeated wakings it made us so ill!

Sorry what does ND mean? Xx

[Lalalanding]

The way you are putting things here@lifeparadox333 comes across almost like you consider yourself a victim of the people around you including your daughter. You seem to have quite a fixed idea of how people should be that does not remotely line up with your reality of the people around you. You obviously had a very tough start in life but it doesn’t sound like the people in your life were doing things directly to hurt you but rather they did not have the capacity you needed from parents or siblings but you are an adult now, you are not a passenger in your life, you are in charge, you are in the driving seat and you need to take responsibility for you and your family’s happiness.

It really does sound like your DD is ND the more you write. If you had a better understanding of that it will help things going forward.

Creating your own day to day happiness in life is really important too.

I have two ND children, I am completely bonded with them because I accept them as they are and help them to develop as people. My father was also a tricky likely ND man. There were other very serious issues in my family growing up.

You can dwell on that stuff but it won’t make you happy but also you can take control and start to do things to make life more fun.

[AshleyBlue]

Neurodiverse (ASD etc) as opposed to neurotypical (ordinary people who don't have those medical issues)

[lifeparadox333]

@Schneekugel thank you for this advice, I am glad tbh my mother isn't here in many ways as she was very toxic and my dad is but we're very low contact now, we have to be as he just creates a very negative atmosphere but he won't be here for much longer as is so old now. But yes I hope she will be ok, we will try our very best for her to be the best she can I just worry we're not the normal here, esp where we live, we are surrounded by very supportive and much larger families which isn't helping, I find this time of year hard as we see the extent of that at Christmas, we are discussing possibly going away for half of the holidays to break up the time together as it's a long time just us 3, I find it very very overwhelming trying to fill so many days without much else to break it up so perhaps going away for 4-5 days this time of it will help me to mentally cope better with this. Xx

[PinkMimosa]

I cross-posted with you there

The reason I asked if the birth was traumatic is that this can affect your MH and how you bond with your LO long term.

I've already suggested grief counselling. You may want some specialist Birth Trauma Therapy.

And it really does sound as though your DD might have ASD (they don't get diagnosed as having Asperger's anymore) and possibly ADHD. Here's what I suggest:

Ask first an appointment with your HV.

Fill in the 5 year social & emotional ages & stages and the regular 5 year Ages & Stages and ask your HV to score them. Tell her that you think DD might have ASD.

It's normal for DC to have one or two areas in the grey, more than this and I'd ask the HV to refer DD for an ASD assessment.

Also, ask for a meeting with her Teacher and the school SENCO. Tell them that you're concerned about DD's behaviour at home and you think she's masking at school. Ask the SENCO to observe her, including her interactions with other pupils.

If the HV or School won't refer her, consider going through Caudwell Children.

Get the book The Explosive Child and see if the strategies in there help you to find some harmony in your little family.

Also have a look at the SN Children Section on MN. It's usually very helpful and they can talk you through things like the assessment process and how to get an ECHP.

Read up on ARFID. My DD has it and it sounds as though your DD may too. She might need bloods doing to check for Anaemia and a referral to a Paediatric Dietician.

Do you think she may have PDA too? It sounds as though it's worth reading up on.

And lastly, what's your DP doing about his temper? Has he sought any help for himself? In lots of areas you can self refer for talking therapies.

Look after yourself OP. It sounds as though you've got a lot to do but by doing these things you may have a better outcome for your all of you

[lifeparadox333]

@Lalalanding I've never heard of the phrase ND, Ashley says it's neuro diverse, I will read up on this, but yes I need counselling to try and help me to find a way to not let the sheer weight of all of this past current trauma with my own family and what I am realising we have been potentially dealing with, with our daughter. This is what I need help but I just didn't know where to start, it's been exhaustingly overwhelming jjsy the coming to terms with this all, I have realised what I'm now dealing with, the extent and also that Its been putting me in a negative and destructive cycle I felt like I couldn't get out of and it's not helping us all to move forward, I just want to scream, what a mess this all is. I can only now find help with all of this to help us all move forward to give us all the best chance of survival because surviving is where I'm at atm, and I'm barely managing to do that. I need to speak to the GP and explain all of this and start to get some counselling for me and my partner and get my daughter assessed for this ND.

My dad is the strangest person I've ever met In my life, I've never understood him, I feel sorry for him as he doesn't seem to have any awareness of how he is but gives abs no shits either which doesn't help. He can be quite a cruel and manipulative character also, he asked how my husband was yest when he was asked not to by me as he doesn't want to talk about his health but when he asked he was sniggering!!!! I said what the hell is so funny about that question, we had to leave very soon after we got there as he was arguing with us for bringing him a as dinner he knew was coming as said he'd cooked it was so depressing and I can't do it anymore

[lifeparadox333]

@AshleyBlue thank you got explaining, I've never heard of this phrase but I will read up on it. X

[PinkMimosa]

@lifeparadox333

@PinkMimosa thank you for the reply, I haven't had grief counselling, I didn't have a good relationship with her, she could be awful to me but it was difficult still losing her at such a time in my life, my poor step dad was left to sort it all as our baby was born long long after but yes it was traumatic, it was a disaster but I just let that go and moved on, once she was out it was all fine, but it was just her non stop repeated wakings it made us so ill!

Sorry what does ND mean? Xx

My "D"M is fucking awful not the kind of mother you'd hope for. She never wanted or should have had DC but in the 60s there wasn't as much voice for Women as we have now.

I actually found the grief counselling after losing my DF helped my to come to terms with the relationship with my DM and helped me with my boundaries.

ND is Neuro Diverse which covers a lot of things like ADHD, Dyslexia, dyscalculia, ARFID, Dyspraxia and probably a few others but the one people are mainly referring to is ASD also known as Autism.

[RedHelenB]

@lifeparadox333

We WERE traumatized by our childhoods (didn't mean to put not).

In what way is your dad strange? Could it be SEN perhaps?

[lifeparadox333]

@PinkMimosa 🥹❤️❤️❤️ Thank you so much for this helpful advice!!!! I didn't know where to start at all it was so overhelming now I have somewhere to start to get this all checked out! Thank you! Sorry what is PDA?

Yes I've heard of Cardwell children this is a local place to us and I have downloaded the book the explosive child I just haven't had chance to read up on this so I need to do this also.

It's a lot all of this is though, I never expected to have so many issues in my life, but I have this helpful advice now to try and move things on so I will keep referring to this!

My husband has worked a lot on his issues and he is improving a lot, it's been a lot for him, I'm just so grateful to him for being here and working with me throhhh this crazy thing called life xxx

[Gumbo]

You honestly need to try to find a way to let go of all the guilt you have about the only child and lack of family situation, since there's nothing to feel guilty about.

I grew up with no extended family and it never occurred to me to be bothered by it. My DS is an only child, all his grandparents dead before he was born and we've never had any cousins etc...but it's truly not an issue, he's sociable with a wide circle of friends.

Not all families look the same, free yourself from that guilt 🙂