how to make life more fun?

[ocelot41]

OK so this may just be PMT talking, but I am currently feeling worn out with the treadmill of work, cooking, tidying and finding constant entertainment for DS (4). He is a very high energy little boy who needs a LOT of physical exercise every day, never really plays alone and is currently going through a bit of a boundary-pushing stage. All of which I know is totally normal for his age.

But I keep thinking that this level of grind is ridiculous because we only have one child, he is fit and healthy and I am not a lone parent. I have absolutely NO reason to complain and know so many people who have to cope with much, much more.

Yet I am just knackered and feel like life is... not that much fun really tbh. I have fairly average to low standards re household cleanliness but I do work ft andand have a long commute. So I get up at 5 ish so I can manage to get enough done to pick DS up by 4.30 so he doesn't have a long day in childcare. I can't remember the last time I did something fun for me and I really, really miss quality time with DH because by the time DS is asleep we are too tired to do more than turn the telly on.

Have any of you experienced this? If so, what did you do to reintroduce some fun? All work and no play makes ocelots fed up cats!

[ocelot41]

sparky Oh how I wish... DH won't ( subject of another thread). Best I may be able to do is find a nice commutable town but still within the orbit of the Big Headache.

Thanks bit. Cleaner does DH's shirts and I do the rest whilst DS is having his Sat am cartoons. It isn't too much bother. What's considerably more bother is wife work, always being the one to buy cards/wrapping paper/presents, arrange play dates, answer party invites etc. So that's next on the list for ahem 'discussion'. I flatly refuse to do DH's side of the family any more and he is now in charge of keeping kids gift cupboard stocked.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh ocelot that sounds like great news! Well done.

Can you afford to send ironing out as well?

[sparkysparkysparky]

Great news about WFH and headhunting possibility. Only other suggestion I would make is controversial: Get. Out. Of. London.

[ocelot41]

By the way artandco I am that you are up until 11 and then working again by 5! I need a good eight and preferably eight and a half hours kip or am shouty out of perspective crap-mum. But then am deafie and lipread a lot of the time so that may have something to do with it!

[ocelot41]

OK the good news is folks a. I have been given permission to work from home 2 days a week (which means I could do a more civilised start at 8 and still be able to get DS at 4.30 - DH does school drop offs). I am also being headhunted to apply for another role. So let's see... I would like to either live closer to work ( not poss at mo as that's in a ££££ bit of London) or live out of London somewhere cheaper that would allow me to have the option to cut down my hours. So the light may be at the end of the tunnel.In the mean time, it is harsh so yes have cleaner etc. It is (hopefully) the last big push before a move for the better for all of us...

[Artandco]

I also start work 5am, but then that means I can take children to school and nursery, and collect half the week, some days even finish by 3pm. You shouldn't be starting at 5am, but then still catching up emails at 9pm.

Can you move closer to work? Sounds like you have a long commute. If you can reduce by 15mins each way that would save a fair bit over the week

Get a cleaner

No tv in week. Ours are 3 and 4 years, both go to bed at 9pm. Then 9-11pm dh chill/ catch up/ glass of wine/ invite friends over/ read etc. we actually have no tv so it's easy not to, but you could watch yours at weekend if time

No work at weekend. Find something you and dh like but DS will enjoy also.

[TwoLittleTerrors]

I don't have to do emails out of hours but DH has to. So I won't judge if it's crucial to your work

[TwoLittleTerrors]

You sound like me before I took maternity for DD2. I left home at 7am so I could be at my desk at 8am. I leave work at 4.30 to pick DD1 up. It's exhausting.

What I found help is 1) get a cleaner. I'm not sure you have one. We don't do housework except laundry. 2) take days off during the week when you have childcare. We go to movies and eat out at nice places. Take the opportunity with lunch dates before school age! I mean you have already paid for nursery so why not use it.

I'm hoping DD2 will be able to play with DD1 soon. So it's not so hands on. I have heard from many that they don't play on their own until much later. That's when a sibling helps.

[ocelot41]

Thanks for all your support folks. It really means a lot to me. And no, not Head of National Security!

[CateBlanket]

Your son isn't the problem, OP; your workload is - I'm knackered just reading if!

Set the alarm for an hour later and get some bleeding sleep. Don't tackle emails outside of the office; honestly nothing is that important - unless you're Head of Homeland Security and your "special projects" are averting terrorist attacks on -me-- the UK.

[BertieBotts]

I felt like this when my DS was 4. It does get better - DS is 6 now and several things:

• Better company. I can actually think of several things I enjoy doing with him.
  
• Less manic. Less annoying. Less pointlessly stubborn over EVERYTHING. Slightly more open to reason and/or threats!
  
• More independent so we can give him responsibility for stuff, and feel less bad if he doesn't do certain things.
  
• Can leave him to read in bed on his own if he can't sleep.
  
• Can let him get up at the weekends while we have a bit of a lie in.
  
• More able to be left e.g. at playdates, parties, after school clubs etc.
  

I think that the ages of 3-5 are particularly intense with an only child because they are independent enough not to be very portable or biddable, but dependent enough to need a lot of input. It's hard and wearing. If we have another child and DS is older than eight, I'm having two, I'm not going through that stage again.

[sparkysparkysparky]

Ok forget "delegate". You suggested there was a union. Overloading less senior staff just to make oneself look good could be a union matter - as long as they don't railroad your concern into a wider agenda. I'd think about a career move or give yourself a target date ( re qualifications ) by which time you can start looking.

[ocelot41]

Would that I had someone to delegate to! They have all been cut...

[sparkysparkysparky]

Try and get people into the habit of useful summaries in email subject lines not just Re: Client name. Gives you a proper heads up as to whether it's worth reading it now or judging if it can wait. And Delegate delegate delegate as other posters have said.

[Cedar03]

Most urgent emails at work really aren't that urgent at the end of the day. My H will sometimes send them late in the evening - to which I say that no-one will be reading them until the morning anyway. It wouldn't make a difference if he waited to send it.

A lot of work is about expectations - if you always deliver no-one will really care how hard you work to get there. Delegate where you can. Turn off emails when you're working on something so you can concentrate on one thing at a time. Set up your auto reply so that people will know when they can expect a response. If something is really urgent people will phone or talk to you in the office instead. This can save time rather than having emails with half a dozen people copied in to them.

[ocelot41]

Thanks for the pursed lips...maybe I need it!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Ocelot I would have pursed lips about your last post if I were your mother!

It's not all your responsibility. Getting up at 5:30 occasionally is OK - I do it occasionally and I am still working now so I get what it's like. But getting up at 5:30 every day in addition to your hours is not tenable.

What would happen if you didn't answer till 9?

You need to proritise. You will burn out and be no use to your DS or your boss

[ocelot41]

And I bet you would make a lovely mum, Bitoutofpractice. Rest assured that I haven't been a martyr about this - my manager is WELL aware of what's going on, as is my trade union!

After a number of years of stressing that the daily workload of my team has doubled, in addition to the special projects we are now expected to do, the organisation has finally agreed to advertise for two new posts. They should come online in the autumn, but once her manager's manager got wind of this she then delegated another HUGE special project to our team on the grounds that 'you have got more people coming'. Unfortunately my immediate line manager chose not to fight this. So there will be some relief coming but the net benefit won't be as big as we had hoped.

Tbh, I think it would be better to just try and find a new job!

[BitOutOfPractice]

Ocelot. If youare having to get up at 5:30am to answer emails, your workload is not reasonable. Either take a step back yourself, or speak to your line manager to ask for help / support

I know you are rolling your eyes at me and saying "you don't understand. It's just not possible." But it is. Sort it. Prioritise. Delegate. You cannot carry on like this.

And yes, I am your mother

[ocelot41]

Hard to tell from the outside though isn't it? This wasn't meant to be a high pressure job!

[ocelot41]

I have just been getting by for a long time but have just completed my next level of professional qualification so hopefully can look for a new job soon with a more reasonable workload.

[BitOutOfPractice]

And what about your work OP? Your son is important but so are you!

[ocelot41]

All good plans women! A couple of other things that are helping

1. A good chat with MiL who said that DH was exactly the same as a kid - she had him assessed for what was then called hyperactivity and what we now call ADHD when he was around 8 . The diagnosis was negative but the doc told her that DH was a HIGHLY active child who struggled to settle to any particular kind of play, so understood her concerns. He recommended she try to get him as much exercise as possible to help him manage some sitting down periods at school and I do the same.
   

This has always been loads easier in summer as we deliberately moved near a park so we can go run off steam after school but winter is inevitably tougher. DS would actually LIVE in soft play given half a chance! So spring will probably bring an improvement.

1. How to talk so kids listen is a great book which is really helping diffuse some of the more confrontational behaviour as is making half an hour at either end of the day for a Mummy or Daddy playtime where HE gets to direct the play.
   

It is good to get along better as that makes so much of the hard work worthwhile...

[meisiemee]

I have been in a similar situation and I feel your concerns. Without this sounding about me, sorry I used to get up at 5 do emails etc take done to nursery about 8 and work for 8:30 then leave work at 4 to collect. Then I reduced my hours to 80%, however my workload didn't reduce! Thankfully this was recognised and they upped me to 100% but I worked 80 in the office and 20 at home answering emails etc...
Moving onto school this gave me the flexibility to drop DS off at school and 3 nights a week he goes to after school club. Again this works well as being an only child he had interaction playtime.
Now DS is 8 and everything changes, bigger friends circle, weekend play dates, games consoles etc... We have to cancel things just to get time with him! And I end up sometimes with time on my hands I don't know what to do with!
So in short, fix a routine that suits, give yourself a break, but most importantly don't worry to much, your 'time' with DH will soon come along and you will wonder where have the years gone!

[sparkysparkysparky]

One more thing, just occurred to me mid bedtime wrangle (DH on duty at mo) . Check out any country parks or stately homes near you, preferably with a fancy play ground for children - he gets to play and burn off energy, you and hubby get chance to chat. Or get dragged onto stuff yourself. Good reason to be knackered not dreary reason. Maybe even with an ice cream.