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Nurseries

Find nursery advice from other Mumsnetters on our Nursery forum. For more guidance on early years development, sign up for Mumsnet Ages & Stages emails.

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Original poster

Feeling awful

63 replies

Humv · 01/02/2018 11:44

We had an introduction at nursery yesterday- I stayed with my DS who is nearly 9 months and he was fine, playing etc. Today I was supposed to take him and leave him for an hour and work up to a full day tomorrow. As soon as we got there, he was inconsolable, wailing, splotchy from crying so much and it took half an hour of me not bearing to leave him before they told me I had to go and give him chance to settle.

Please tell me it gets easier! Currently sat in the car counting down the minutes until 12 when I can go get him. Did anyone else find it this hard? Did it get easier? I’m so worried.

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Original poster

Humv · 01/02/2018 23:00

That’s probably where I went horribly wrong missjaysays- I didn’t know when to go so I just hovered and before I knew it nearly 40 minutes had gone!

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WTFIsThisVirus · 01/02/2018 23:08

DS has been going to nursery since 6 months, and we had very few issues with him settling in. He is an only child too.

I think the mistake was that you didn't leave straight away, and he could tell you were upset. When DS did his 2nd and 3rd settling days, I just said bye bye, and gave him a kiss, and then left. I think the transition went well for both of us because I didn't make a big deal out of it.

WTFIsThisVirus · 01/02/2018 23:10

I should really rtft. Sorry!

littlecabbage · 02/02/2018 07:03

I think you've made a good decision humv. Just because leaving a child at nursery with a minimum of fuss makes it a bit better/easier, it doesn't mean it's not very stressful still for a young child, especially a shy one. I definitely think a loving family member is preferable at this age, for those who have that as an option.

Original poster

Humv · 02/02/2018 08:18

Thank you littlecabbage, he is so very shy and whilst I think he needs to come out of his shell a little, there’s plenty of time for that yet. This thread has made me feel so much better, thank you all

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LovingLola · 02/02/2018 08:21

If his grandparents want to care for him then that is absolutely the choice I would make at this stage. There is no need to put him through the stress of separation if there is a viable alternative that suits everyone.

BashStreetKid · 02/02/2018 08:23

9 month olds really don't need to interact with other babies. You're right to leave the nursery till later.

Rhodes2015again · 02/02/2018 08:35

Oh shit. My DD starts nursery in April when she’s 9 months for half a day mon-fri. I’m already getting anxious.

help1978 · 02/02/2018 08:43

I'm going to the baddie here and say we started at 6 months....best thing we've done. He loves it and has changed so much since interacting with other kids......

I can't believe your parents will have for 3 full days! That's bloody amazing support for you .....I've not heard of anyone I know whose parents are swilling to do that!

Original poster

Humv · 02/02/2018 08:48

Rhodes2015again please don’t be anxious, all babies are different- my DS is shy and gets nervous when there’s lots of people around. My brothers DD however, roughly the same age, I can imagine would be fine at nursery as she loves being round people and is very outgoing.

help1978 we do have an amazing support system, of which I’m really grateful, both my parents and my DHs. My DH’s grandma did it for her mum so I think his mum just sees it as the normal thing to do and they love having him. Although my niece is also getting looked after 3 days per week from next month when my SIL goes back to work.. I do know we’re all very lucky though and don’t take it for granted.

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help1978 · 02/02/2018 09:10

If she's really shy and doesn't like being around lots of people then don't put it off too long as it's going to be even harder x

Original poster

Humv · 02/02/2018 09:11

I agree with not leaving it too late, but he just seems a little too vulnerable to me right now. Maybe when he’s walking and talking we’ll reconsider, for now I think his personality is too shy and it’ll do more harm than good right now

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MrsBears · 02/02/2018 23:06

My daughter went to nursary at 6 months, she is a shy and emotional child but really enjoyed going up until she left. My son who is very loud and outgoing had the same carers would cry when I would leave him but I was told 5 minutes later her would be fine. As he got older instead of the tantrums he would calmly say in the car before drop off i dont want to be there, i dont like it but he could never say what he didnt like about it (it was heartbreaking 😭) - happy to say both now love school, just shows every child is different 🤔x

fabulous01 · 02/02/2018 23:20

I would love to say it gets easier
... some days are good, some not so good

Mine went from 9 months and my advice is go in, say you love them, you will see them later, turn and go....

Even if they are sobbing, screaming or running around happy

On the bad days I do have a nosey from the door or on security cameras and they are ok but it isn’t easy

But some do settle really well and never have those bad days.

Good luck. In my view it just gets different, never really easy as even on good day the guilt of having to work is also hard

fabulous01 · 02/02/2018 23:24

In terms of grand parents ... just think about what they will do with him. I have seen some where it worked well and others it hasn’t. Do they respect your views on up bringing

We didn’t have the option of grand parents as they live too far away but they also disageeed with me in too many things that it wouldn’t have been an option even if they were on the door step

Tinseltower · 03/02/2018 19:38

I used to work in a nursery and I think if you have grandparents on offer it is the best option. They can always do toddler groups etc to get him used to playing with other children. Also at that age, one day is not enough to settle properly. He will likely be anxious there for a long time. Our nursery had a minimum of 2 days for under 18 months, and even then they struggled more than the 4-5 day children.

ObiJuanKenobi · 03/02/2018 19:45

Aww we had this with the twins and the first 3/4 weeks I left them there I cried like a baby in the car for a good half hour.
It gets better I promise. We are 4 months in now and they run off as soon as they open the door to them and go straight for the toys and their little friends!

Original poster

Humv · 03/02/2018 20:34

mrsbears that makes me anxious too, that if anything were wrong he wouldn’t be able to tell me. It is funny how different kids are!

fabulous01 luckily my in laws will follow what we ask to the letter- if not, my DH will always have a little word with them. I agree with you that it wouldn’t always work though- my in laws last year have booked a few days away this year which coincide with when they’d have my DS so my parents are stepping in for those days and I have a feeling there will be a lot of disagreements in that respect. We have very different parenting methods and ideas of what to do. Luckily my in laws have been having my DS for a day or so a week for the last couple of months so he can get used to spending more time there and they’re very respectful of any rules we have for him.

tinseltower yes, they mentioned that it would take him a month or so to settle in if he’s only going one day a week, but I had my doubts and secretly thought it would take a fair bit longer. I don’t think I can justify the cost of more than one day a week if it came down to it, as we have grandparents support so it seems like an unnecessary use of money. If they weren’t available it would obviously be a different story.

obijuankenobi thank you for the reassurance. I think when he does go, I’ll feel better if he CAN run in and can show enthusiasm at wanting to go as opposed to now when he’s so young and I’m worrying that he doesn’t even want to be there. It’s lovely that your twins love it now and it must be nice that they have each other too

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Adviceplease360 · 05/02/2018 18:48

You definitely made the right choice, grandparents are a much better option than a nursery.
Send him closer to three, that is when nurseries have the most benefit.

help1978 · 05/02/2018 20:14

Adviceplease are you saying that kids that go to Nursery don't get any benefits?!

help1978 · 05/02/2018 20:21

*before 3

Original poster

Humv · 05/02/2018 21:47

help1978 I don’t think adviceplease said that, she said most benefit.. and I’m guessing she meant because babies don’t technically learn to play with other babies or anything until a certain age, so in that respect, if you have the choice, it’s not fundamental to a child’s development.

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help1978 · 06/02/2018 07:26

I think it's very fundamental in babies development and research and parents are testament to that!

Original poster

Humv · 06/02/2018 07:48

I think different research will show different things help1978 and we all just do the best we can. Some research will say being with parents for as long as possible is important, some will say interacting with other babies at a young age is important, but at the end of the day most people making that decision don’t have a choice so just do whatever they can. No one is saying one is better than the other, it’s what works for people individually.

OP posts:

hotcrossbuns765 · 06/02/2018 15:17

Today was the first time my son didn't cry when I passed him over. The relief was amazing. They do get here eventually x

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