MNHQ here: have you found good ways to combat loneliness in children or young people?

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello

As part of our worth with Action for Children and the Jo Cox Commission on Loneliness, we're looking into the issue of loneliness and isolation among children and young people (up to 25).

We'd love to hear about any strategies you have for addressing loneliness in these age groups. You might have experience with your own children, or children and young people you know, look after or teach. These could be practical suggestions for finding companions and friends, mindfulness/wellbeing strategies, ways to boost self-esteem, particular groups or organisations who have helped - anything that you've tried and found to be effective. What advice would you give to another parent or carer looking for ways to help?

We'll use the results to inform the report that Action for Children is putting together for the Jo Cox Commission.

Thanks
MNHQ

[spiney]

Ruthieness - I love that. Thankyou. Worth remembering.

[NambiBambi]

My dc struggled a lot with loneliness at school. The school wasn't able to help so in the end we took dc out and are home educating for a few terms. It took the pressure off because they didn't have to deal with the issue every single school day and it stopped the loneliness getting in the way of learning and the enjoyment of learning.

It is an on going process. Giving dc the validation to be themselves without having to conform to what is fashionable or expected is important. Giving opportunities to meet other children for shorter periods outside of a school setting where you are with the same 34 children all the time is good. Inviting children round for smaller 'play dates' (I know...annoying phrase!).

We haven't fixed the issue yet but so far we have stopped it being so painful. Dc still feels different and lonely and wishes they had a friend.

[TheHoneyBadger]

As someone else said i do think social skills basics need to be taught and gently you have to help young people understand how their approach isn't working and what they could try instead.

Not everyone naturally picks up the 'skill' of small talk or how to move on from an initial playing with someone with a ball to 'what's your name, where do you come from, what do you like doing' etc particularly if they don't have lots of opportunities to observe adults socialising in new environments (eg. on holiday talking to other people round the pool or having a parent who takes their child on public transport and chats to old ladies on the bus about the weather - seemingly silly things like that that are actually big learning opportunities for children).

I actually wonder if maybe less time with parents out in the world being social themselves for children to model their social skills on might be more of an issue than young people having mobile phones and certainly impacts earlier.

I'm a bit of anti social hermit myself and really had to up my game as a mother so that my son wasn't effected by it

[Hadenoughtoday]

My daughter has no friends left due to having a chronic illness for last 3 years - lost all her 'school' friends and her others just stopped coming round or contacting her. Even the school (She is still on the register as they are providing alternative education.) have forgotten about her.

It's very hard finding support groups for her or me in our area and all the clubs require lots of her energy that she doesn't have to give!
Thankfully she has a few 'virtual' friends met through an online support group but she said the other day she doesn't know how to be a friend anymore and feels out of touch with the world.

Who knows what the answers are? Maybe some of the parents of her old friends could have encouraged their children not to give up on her.
Oh well

[ruthieness]

I really want this thread to take off because it is such an important issue.
For older people who are mobile I would recommend walking groups or walks with dogs (possibly available from cinnamon trust or borrow my doggy). somehow chat on a walk is much easier - silence is acceptable and it is easy to move on to another person without seeming rude.
An old person walking alone could appear strange - with a dog they do not -
even walking with a lead and no dog could lead to conversation!!!!

[AmateurSwami]

I hold lunch clubs in the school I work at. I found that play times can be really isolating for children on the outskirts of a group, or with sen. lego club and Pokemon club were big faves.

[PumbletonWakeshaft]

Until leaving to be a SAHM, I ran a unit for emotionally vulnerable young people, many of whom had had friendship problems for years and had dropped out of mainstream school, so were out of touch with their peers.

I used to get them a mentor from a local charity who could accompany them to trying out different activities, like local youth clubs, scouts/guides, sports or arts clubs. It was essential to get them that trusting relationship, so they could walk into somewhere and wouldn't feel alone.

As a professional, I found the Young Minds resources to be invaluable, particularly the Resilience Framework, which shows how every person in that young person's life can contribute to their wellbeing - you don't have to be a psychotherapist to make a difference!

[Spikeyball]

I know that there is often a push for inclusive activities (instead of specialist ones) but these do not work for some children with sn because they cannot be made inclusive enough. My son is nearly a teenager now and has nothing in common with NT children of the same age. He needs somewhere to go that offers what he needs.
What would be ideal would be his specialist school to provide holiday clubs but with social care budgets being slashed this does not happen.

[ruthieness]

I am struggling to say this with sensitivity so forgive me. I realise this issue is very important for parents of children with particular difficulties, but I would also like to hear of some more general suggestions and ideas. particularly for older people.

A friend of mine aged 75 was still driving - so volunteered to take people to hospital.

[SandysMam]

I think this thread is particularly aimed at young people Ruth...but I totally agree with you re the older people. Maybe you could start a thread about this?

[ruthieness]

SandysMam - gosh you are right - I totally misread the title!
sorry about that!

[thathappened]

Reading with interest but finding nothing for my own DS situation. Definitely school made things worse and now not helped by the internet. Really struggling and getting older.

[Kenlee]

I actually have a daughter in boarding school. She finds it very lonley as she is too Chinese to be Western but to Western to be Chinese. So she does not fit in any groups. You have to be aware that no matter what group she is in she will always be on the prehiphry of the groups. So for her it is better to read books and accept that this school is not for her. She will move to a new school next year.

[kateandme]

id love there to be more groups for av.age people.running groups walking groups.just coffee groups,activity meet ups etc.loneliness isn't a child or elderly thing it can be all ages.

[millifiori]

Pets. That may seem like a cop out, but DS2 who has ASD gets a lot of comfort and happiness from snuggling the family pet, who also adores him in return. They hang out together.

Also, when they show true interest in something, get them involved in some club that fosters the interest. DS2 has been attending the same group for several years now. he hasn't made a single proper friend there, no one he sees outside the clib, but he goes there, socialises, gets out of the house, develops his interest - like spiney's son did, and that is better than sitting at home on the Xbox.

Occasionally I nag him to initiate low-demand social activity - like ask several people from school if they want to see a film and go for a pizza. If there's a new film out and a big gang going, and he's initiated it, that results in a social occasion. He's introverted, so I have to accept he doesn't need as many as I do. Two social get-togethers a term are fine by him.

Also, it's only fair to admit that social media has a huge positive influence in combatting loneliness. It may not beat real life friendships but it's th ebest close second ever. DS has some friends online, and did acually meet up with one from abroad when he came over here on holiday. That worked out fine. A couple of my closest friends I first met online, and so when he's happily on forums with people, I think that's a great alternative to having no one to talk with.

[Skinidin]

My daughter struggled when she transferred to secondary. The thing that helped her enormously was joining the drama group which met twice a week and put on a production at Christmas. It gave her the chance to be with a mixed age group, (this is the Isle of Skye and the older kids are very friendly) and get to know some of her own year in a more 'diluted' way. She did well in the first production and this also gave her some kudos with the rest of the school. I realise this might not work with many kids but it could be an idea for some. Really agree about activities with animals too.

[Lucyandpoppy]

hadenoughtoday im sorry about your daughters health, how old is she? When I was first diagnosed with Crohn's disease at 13 I was too unwell to go to school until I was nearly 16 so I feel your pain! For me, online support was really great especially as I wouldn't have really been well enough to socialise even if I did have irl friends. Does she have any hobbies? I stayed in touch with the outside world by sharing a horse 3 days a week

[Serin]

I love the post about helping a child to find its tribe.

We have 3 DC.

For DD it was all about horses and music.

For DS1 I don't know how we would have kept him on the right path without the help of his Army cadet leaders, and his rugby and rowing coaches. Far too much energy and they have helped him channel it.

For DS2, we worry about him the most as he is the one inclined to spend all day in his room working out some maths or programming problem. The rest of us are all sociable so it took a while for us to understand that he is actually happy enough in his own little world. He has joined a choir though and has friends there ranging in age from 12 to 76! (He is 15!)

[Cath2907]

As a Beaver Scout Assistant Leader and ex girl guide I would say that both organisations have their merits in supporting and integrating lonely children. I would suggest organising time to speak to the leaders before signing your kids up, be open about their issues and additional needs. Myself and my fellow leaders would be more than happy to meet with you 1:1 to talk about your child and reassure you that we will do our best to take care of them. The Scouts and Guides and inclusive organisations and we do our best to support children with additional needs to enjoy the activities and be part of the group. We are generally also parents or grandparents or adults who really care about children's welfare.

[intense]

DS is 18 and autistic. He focuses on his own interests and doesn't need social interaction in the way many NTs do. He interacts a little when playing online games, and enjoys watching Youtube videos of gamers. He is not really interested in making friends and he doesn't feel lonely or isolated as he has enough social interaction through his family. It's important to remember that not everyone gets lonely or isolated, especially autistic people, and pushing them into friendships is not always appropriate.

[Changeschangechangeagain]

Lego therapy seemed to help and members of the group then began to socialise in the playground, music therapy also helped.

[SunshineHQ]

I would second the suggestion of Girl Guiding.

Brownies, Guides, etc is all a lot of fun, but in addition I have found the leaders are particularly supportive if they are aware of any vulnerable situation. My 8 yr old daughter was given loads of support by her Rainbows leader (we went through a DA divorce, made more complicated by her older brother' autism). She is now a Brownie, but feels 'extra special' as she occasionally goes back now to help with the little Rainbows, and is treated as a very valued member of the team on the days she helps, even though all she does is help the littlest ones with their colouring in, etc.

[NeverEverEver]

My DD is joining a local sports club tonight, and has enquired about joining local Girl Guides, both based entirely on this thread.

[RowanMumsnet]

Hello all

Loads of really interesting and thoughtful posts on here, thank you. Some sad stories too (as well as hopeful ones); thanks for sharing them with us.

Action for Children are hoping to put together a list of practical actions that carers and parents can take; we'll share that with you when it's ready.

@NeverEverEver

My DD is joining a local sports club tonight, and has enquired about joining local Girl Guides, both based entirely on this thread.

Yay!