Found out yesterday we're having twins and I'm terrified

[UCH12]

Hi all,

My wife and I found out yesterday that through IVF we are having twins.

We already have a wonderful 3 and a half year old miracle and she is everything to me and us.

To be honest I'm going through mixed feelings of shock, upset, but mostly fear of not being able to look after my family well enough financially and not giving our wonderful daughter all the love she deserves. I'm terrified. House, car, buying 2 of everything.

My wife wanted to put 2 embryos because after failed treatments she couldn't face doing it again. I don't think she really considered twins as a realistic option.

It is what it is and we have to accept it.

I regret using 2 embryos. It sounds awful. I feel guilty writing it.

This isn't how I should feel when we're lucky enough to finally get pregnant but I'm upset and it may sound awful, but part of me wishes we weren't. I didn't want twins. At all.

The thought of duel crying screaming feeding etc etc and all that goes with it is terrifying me.

I can't be happy and both of us have different views.

I'm in a bit of a daze and scared that i won't be able to handle the responsibility or enjoy it. I feel guilty as I shouldn't feel like this.

Anyone feel the same regards to twins being a surprise? Especially when you already have a child?

I haven't told anyone yet as only at 7 weeks so very alone right now.

[LeaLeander]

I understand the qualms about the financial responsibility. It would be daunting. Perhaps even make you feel trapped. You would not be human if you didn't have those fears.

Is your wife willing to work and share the financial burden so it's not all on you?

[UCH12]

Absolutely. It's not the finances which scare me. Although it's limiting for 3 over 2.

I just never envisaged a family of 5. Never wanted it. The dynamics etc

I feel trapped by all of it and being in this position. Like I shouldn't be here, and due to it being IVF it's partly my fault.

[UCH12]

Thank you. Is it really bloody brilliant? The first year scares the hell out of me. Especially first 3 months.

I know I'll be fine and they'll be fine. I'm just not anywhere near ready. Can't even accept it yet!

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

"The first 3 months scare me"

You won't remember them due to sleep derivation - no long lasting damage

I had 3 under two - yes we cut corners yes we took help - and Yes to second hand stuff -

Things like they slept better as a two - less demanding as you can't pick them up if your feeding one - they learn to wait - you can't rock two to sleep so they self settle really early on - you can feed two at a time - bottle fed by sat crossed legged on the floor - feed two with one spoon and a shared bowl - one bath for all three -

It's a production line

they are now 11 and it's like a little party when we go out! And we miss one when they're aren't here

Not many people get th family they think they want - or indeed the children they think they'll have!

[neversleepagain]

My twins are 3.6 and while I love them dearly it is hard work.

You have the advantage of having had a baby already so you know about newborn nappies, how long a baby takes to feed, what sleepless nights are like. Now just double it. Being first time parents and it being twins was like being hit by a bus, then it constantly reversing and hitting us again and again!

Saying that, we've survived and you will too.

Look after your wife. She must be all over the place with pregnancy hormones. Growing two babies and two placentas is very though going. A consultant told us it has the same physical effect on the body as running a marathon.

Congratulations!

[UCH12]

I absolutely will take the help we are offered. Not too proud at all. HELL YES!

[Runandbecome]

I can totally emphathise with your feelings - so just wanted to say it's ok to feel like you do. I found out we were expecting triplets naturally at our 12 week scan and we have a toddler too. I was in shock, full of tears, worried, disappointed, feeling guilty that I should have been happy but wasn't. I couldn't tell most people for about a month as I was so unhappy about it but it did pass. The babies are now 7 months old and it's been hard work but rewarding as the cliche goes. Don't feel bad about not being happy about it - totally normal if it wasn't "part of the plan" - 4 kids was def not part of my plan. Join TAMBA and your local twins club when you're ready - they are both really helpful. If you can afford it get paid help. We had a maternity nurse who got them into an amazing routine. Hope that helps a little bit...

[UCH12]

Thank you. We will be getting a night nurse, definitely.

Your post helps. Worst thing is that I don't feel bad about my opinion. I feel trapped and I'm finding it hard to accept it. Despite the fact I have no choice. Just unhappy.

Glad you could empathise. Thing is my daughter has been easy and perfect and despite me dealing with it, I don't want to know it'll be hard even before it starts!

[whatevva]

Entirely normal.

I still clearly remember looking at the scan and trying to make what I saw into one baby. I then nearly drove under an ambulance getting out of the hospital. I did not take DH with me as I knew what I was doing having had one before (ha!!!!).

It was my idea of hell. DS had been a non-sleeping, non-eating type and I had got pregnant first try and really was not sure it was what I wanted to do at all.

Still, that was over 22 years ago, and it was the best thing that ever happened .

I knew I wasn't having any more, so took lots of photos of the nice bits so that I could remember them in the rush.

Also, we got a dishwasher when we recovered enough from the shock. It was cheaper from the electricity board shop because it was dented (but it was not dented when it arrived. Thank you kind sales ladyxxxxx).

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

At the scan we could clearly see two and the nurse said nothing I looked at DH and he'd gone pale with his mouth open!! I knew he could see two too - but I couldn't speak - mother could he - we had to walk past the waiting room full on pregnant ladies with tears streaming down my face - it was total shock -

It does ware off!

[RummidgeGeneral]

Agree with everything that has been said. I was pretty horrified when I found out I was expecting twins after having a toddler. The first two years were hard but it has been worth it. You will have learnt a lot through the experience of having your first child (including that it gets easier as they get older). You can fit three car seats on the back of a normal car if you have different brands so there can be a bit of overlap if thwy are different heights. It will be fine. Concentrate on supporting your partner because after 28 weeks a twin pregnancy is like 'term' for a single pregnancy. She will need a lot of TLC.

[PersisFord]

I had 3 under 2 as well - my twins were 22 months when my little surprise arrived!!! Nice to see some others!!

Twins are awesome. They were our first, so we had no idea what we were doing, and they were not easy babies, and I had PND. Even so, I loved the cuddles and the closeness. And it is now totally the best thing in the world and I feel sorry for my singleton as he doesn't have a twin!

The girls first words were each other's names. They fight and bicker but they adore each other. Everywhere they go they have a little buddy. When they were tiny they would gurgle and coo to each other in their cots and in the bath.

Everyone is jealous of twin parents because twins are so special. I know lots of grown up twins too who all say how amazing it was having a twin. They do have to wait a bit for feeds and changes etc as babies....but that's worth it for the benefits they get long term. And you are giving your daughter 2 amazing siblings!!!

My twin pregnancy was also very straightforward. I was big and uncomfy but we were all healthy throughout. I breastfed exclusively with no problems (although I was lucky with that). My friends twins slept through from 8 weeks.

Massive congratulations. You've got a while to get used to the idea before they are born, it definitely helps finding out early!

[PersisFord]

Also, 3 kids is superb. It makes for a great family dynamic I think.

[UCH12]

I hope so!!! I've been in a could and daze for 2 days!

[UCH12]

Thank you. I LOVE that their first names were each other!!

I'm thinking about my daughter a lot too and I know she'll be a great big sister, I don't want her to be upset. She's my priority as wrong as that may sound.

I hope it's a good dynamic, it's going to have to be.

Thank you for your positive feedback, I can tell how happy you are.

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

We told our DD they were her babies - and that was how she introduced them to everyone as "mine"

She did ask when a friend had a baby "where the other one was?" Which was sweet!

I would always say - mommy has to feed baby / mommy has to change baby - so any anger was directed a me and not the babies because I had to do these things -

She was also very good at being quiet as they slept and we would have special time to play play doh or read - (I know you shouldn't but I needed the peace!)

She was also very helpful - fetch nappies cream milk - she could tell what each cry meant and act accordingly putting dummies in or a blanket on -

She kept me sane - her chatter and company was lovely on those wet rainy days!

[PersisFord]

My twins adore the baby and he adores them. So I'm sure it will be the same for your little girl. She will be so special, having twins as her siblings! And they will all be nice and close in age, which is excellent for holidays etc as they will all be into similar things.

Nothing beats the feeling of 2 newborns nuzzling into your neck for a cuddle......feeling broody eek!!

[thingamujig]

UCH12, have you thought about talking to a counsellor or someone? You mentioned how you'd been through awful stuff in the past - maybe that's having a bearing on how you feel now? I don't want to sound all psychobabble, but we've all sent lots of messages about the positives of twins - and I'm glad they've helped - but I guess it's really hard to believe it if you're slipping into a dark place and you haven't experienced them yet.

It might help, even just one session. Your wife really needs you right now, so it makes sense to look after yourself so you can be strong for her.

If not counselling, maybe a few beers with a mate and a good off load?! You'll all be fine though. Just hang on in there.

[PersisFord]

Ooooh also, don't buy 2 of everything!!! We had far too much stuff. And far too many clothes. I had this strange feeling before they were born that I needed 2 identical copies of everything to make it fair....I actually needed 2 bouncy chairs and a double buggy. And 2 car seats.

[UCH12]

Thank you for the advice and I don't see you as sanctimonious or condescending. The past made me amazing,y positive and the person I am. That's why this so hard as its out of character.

I've realised through all the messages - which are sooooo affirming - that's it's the shock which is getting me down. I'm out of my comfort zone. It'll take time to sink in.

[Gypsytears]

Totally normal to be shocked / worried / down. You never expect to be told you are having twins. Mine are 6 months, a major shock, but absolutely delightful. I was terrified about hard it would be, I thought it would be utter chaos, but it's nowhere as traumatic as I expected. I say that I'm the busiest I've ever been, and somethings have to give ( usually house work!) but the pay off of having two babies at the same, the incredible bond they have and ( contraversially only having to do the newborn stage once to get two children !!!) Just take it a day at a time, you will know what you are doing this time around ( my daughter was 3 when they were born) so will be more relaxed. Enjoy !

[UCH12]

Thank you. Shock is exactly what this is. It's crazy.

I've been away for a few days and thought I'd be able to get my head around things. Still haven't.

Just got to get to the 12 week scan. Really hope it sinks in, want to be there for my wife who's got morning sickness.

This is all mental. I just have to believe or try to that great times are ahead.

[GrimmauldPlace]

I'm one of 6 children. My parents had twins first, followed by me 11 months later! If it was awful I'm guessing I would never have been born.

It sounds to me like you're in shock. I'm also wondering whether the feelings you're having about your DD feeling left out would have happened anyway with a single pregnancy. They certainly did with me when DS was 3 and I was pregnant with DD. I was devastated at the thought of him not being my only child anymore. I hated the thought of giving my attention, my love to another child. But, of course, when DD came along I suddenly realised I can love them both. It was, honestly, a revelation. People had been telling me my feelings would change when she came along but I had to feel it for myself before I truly believed it.