Will I ever get over my miscarriage?

[Francescarae]

I found out at my 12 week scan in the 27th of December that I’d had a missed miscarriage, I had an ERPC on the 19th of January and had a complication in surgery which was stressful as I ended up in ICU . it was our first pregnancy after 8 years of trying and it was IVF so it was stressful to even get pregnant, we were so so happy, it was so longed for and wished for and prayed for, I’m still struggling to get over it, it’s all I think about and I want to try again but I’m scared of something going wrong again, I would of been in my 7th month of pregnancy now and I can’t stop thinking about it, I cry most days, I really feel like no one understands, this has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through x

I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s an awful thing and you are allowed to grieve. I hope you have supportive people around you

@DearSilverGirl thank you, I had a lot of support to start with but I now feel like people think I should be over it by now and it’s really hard, I found out when I came out of hospital that my friend was pregnant and is only 5 weeks behind where I would of been and I honestly think it’s damaged our friendship forever, it’s so hard to listen to and be around x

I had 7 years of fertility treatment including several rounds of iui, 2 fresh rounds of IVF (icsi) and 5 or 6 frozen cycles. I can relate.

On 2 occasions I was pregnant with twins. I saw 2 heartbeats. Then 1 heartbeat and then none. My heart broke both times. I was so close to having a breakdown. It was horrific.

The thing is the IVF is traumatic itself. I had fertility counselling and they likened it to a bereavement for every failed cycle.

I went on to have a DC. My last frozen embryo. We agreed no more treatment after that transfer. The pregnancy was terrible. I though I'd lose DC because of pregnancy complications. I was stressed throughout. The labour as also complicated and traumatic.

I then went in to have my 2nd by accident. My whoops a baby. I was shocked but funnily just knew DC would be born.

Anyhow, even with both kids I still feel the loses and the trauma of the IVF has stayed with me. Honestly, I haven't gotten over it. I still grieve both sets of twins. I remember them on their due dates. Overtime it's less painful but it's still there.

I am so very sorry for your loss

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks and another at 7 weeks before I had my DS, about 15 years ago now.

The pain did fade, but I still think about my lost babies. I think it isn't actually something you "get over" but you will learn to live with the loss and it will become less painful to think about over time. No-one can tell you how much time (and don't let them!). You need to be kind to yourself. Sending you love and strength x

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s really hard under any circumstances, but especially given what you had been through.

I’ve lost three pregnancies (I now also have two boys that I am so grateful for). But, at one point during the losses, I felt like I’d been hollowed out inside. I was barely functioning and wasn’t able to process the grief. Therapy helped me enormously. It doesn’t take it all away, but it does help it feel manageable. I did both individual therapy and group sessions with the Miscarriage Association. Being in a room full of women who got it, and where I could be honest about some of my uglier feelings (and see others nod in recognition) was so healing.

I still think of those little almost-babies. I remember their due dates, they aren’t forgotten. But it doesn’t hurt like it once did.

Be gentle with yourself. Try again as and when you feel ready. And I really hope you get your rainbow 🌈

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been through three losses, one was a MMC the same as you and the next loss I delivered my little boy after 20 weeks as he was too poorly to have any quality of life. It was the darkest time of my life and I still think about it often and cry a lot of days but it does get easier. Please don’t give up hope, I know how hard it is to keep trying but if it’s what you want to do then keep going until you feel it’s time to stop, only you can know when that is.

@ChangeAgain2 so sorry to hear what you went through, you are so right IVF is traumatic and so stressfu, I’m happy that you have your two children.

its been hard to process all the feelings as the complication that I had in surgery was a major hemorrhage and I lost 3 litres of blood and I’m still going back to the hospital for more scans etc even now to make sure I’ve healed and now they can see something on my cervix that wasn’t there pre pregnancy so it’s added to the stress and I feel I still haven’t been able to draw a line under the miscarriage, i spent 8 weeks waiting to hear if I would ever be able to try again which they have now said we will be able to.

im dreading the due date x

@Amiable thank you, I feel like everyone just thinks I’m being down all the time, it’s just so hard not to think about, I went for a scan yesterday to check id healed from my surgery complication and the dr kept telling me how anxious I looked and said I must have PTSD which just made me feel so much worse, I’m just still not over it, it does make sense that you say maybe I won’t get over it but somehow learn to live with it x

@ReetPetity sorry you’ve been through it too, it’s so rubbish. I really do feel completely broken, I feel like a different person from pre miscarriage.
i will look into the miscarriage association that sounds like something that might be helpful, was it every week?
I’ve done 5 counselling sessions through our fertility clinic but I’m not sure how much good it’s done so far, I’m struggling to understand how talking to a counsellor helps but maybe being in a room with other women nodding would help me, it’s a lonely road x

@Francescarae I'm so sorry about all the complications.

I had fertility counselling and also bereavement counselling. Is that something you'd consider?

On your due date something special and meaningful to you. My husband and I went to the seaside. I love water and find it peaceful. We just sat by the water quietly and had fish and chips. It might not mean anything to anyone else but for me it was a quiet moment of reflection.

Also, don't expect your partner to understand or to feel the same way. Everyone feels things differently and reacts differently.

@Hopingforbetterluck thats so sad what you went through. Is there anything that has helped you to heal?

I Will definitely try again I just need to get over the fear as I nearly died as I lost 3 litres of blood, they have said I can try again which is good news but the trauma from the missed miscarriage and being in ICU is tough but I am desperate to be pregnant again.

i was thinking that I need to feel heeled before trying again but maybe i won’t ever feel heeled x

@ChangeAgain2 ive done 5 sessions of fertility counselling but I’m not sure how much it’s helped tbh, and I think they are quite expensive. Maybe bereavement counselling would be better.

thank you for the due date tips that’s really helpful. My partner seems okay about everything and doesn’t ever talk about it which is hard, now that the consultant has said that we will be able to do another embryo transfer it’s like everyone now thinks I’m fine we can try again, I saw our babies heartbeat 3 times on 3 different scans so it’s hard to forget x

Healing was slow and ongoing to be honest. I had DS before all the losses and I became terrified of losing him and for some strange reason became petrified of him drowning. I paid for counselling in the end privately as my anxiety was impacting everyone around me. Take care of yourself and do what is best for yourself and your family right now in this moment.

Aw I'm so sorry you went through this OP. Iv had 3 miscarriages, but never a MMC which I think is crueler. And to have been trying for so long and it to happen, it's extremely unfair,
I was devastated after my losses but it does get easier. On the due dates I am sad but I'm in a better place now. Haven't been able to get pregnant since my last loss in may last year tho which does make it harder. I get really random short lived bouts of anger at what iv lost.

Please be kind to yourself 🩷

I haven't done IVF, but I had a miscarriage at 14 weeks. I remember thinking, it's meant to be ok after 12 weeks, and it's not fair.

That was about 25 years ago now. I still feel sad when I think about it.

My love and heart to you

@Hopingforbetterluck thats awful about your fears, that must of been hard.
since I’ve come out of ICU I’ve had so many fears about my health even though I’ve been told I’m fine so maybe I could do with counselling for that too x

@Daniki i still had pregnancy symptoms and genuinely believed everything was fine so it was such a shock, I saw the heartbeat 3 times on 3 different scans then the pregnancy symptoms continued for nearly a month until the surgery.

sorry you hear you had a miscarriage too, people that haven’t been through it don’t seem to understand the emotional pain.

i know everyone is different but how long did it take you to start to feel better? X

@Rhoticity thats so sad at 14 weeks that must of been so hard for you.

i was told that once there was a strong heartbeat the chances of miscarriage dropped and i say the heartbeat 3 times so it was such a shock when i went for the 12 week scan and then waiting to miscarry was so upsetting and my body just wouldn’t let go.

im wondering if I will ever feel emotionally healed but really do want to try again so also need to somehow try and get past the fears of it happening again or something going wrong. X

You will get better. It really is the most awful thing, I found the 9 months that I should have been pregnant the most difficult and then things got slowly easier after my due date.

It was 12 years ago now and I still think about that baby often, sending lots of love OP

@TokyoSushi thanks for your reply and sorry you went through it too. It doesn’t help that my friend found out she was pregnant when I had my ERPC to remove my baby and she’s only 5 weeks behind where I was which is so incredibly hard to deal with and I don’t know how I will cope when her baby is here, I can’t even handle seeing her or hearing about the pregnancy, it’s just so so painful for me and I feel it really has put my grief backwards, I can’t stop thinking about what my little one would have been x

One day it will be ok

It'll still hurt, but will be manageable

It was pre pandemic when I went, and it was monthly, but it’s changed a bit since:

https://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/how-we-help/support-groups/

Theres some face-to-face (depending on where you live) and some Zoom.

I also saw a therapist who specialised in bereavement.

It can feel so lonely. I was desperate for people around me to have understood, but never would have wished that understanding on them.

Other people’s pregnancies can be so tough to handle too. Especially when the dates align.

I had MMC at 12 weeks too - it felt that there was something especially cruel about making it all the way to that landmark 'safe' point.

Have you considered EMDR? It sounds like that could help you deal with the traumatic situations you've experienced.

Does your partner not talk about it even if you bring it up? Is he avoidant/uncomfortable with emotions?

It will be easier to live with eventually.

@ReetPetity thank you unfortunately there aren’t any face to face ones near me but will definitely try a zoom, hopefully it will help.

I’ve been able to be around my friends baby who is 9 months that’s been okay which was a surprise, I suppose it doesn’t remind me of my pregnancy like my friends pregnancy does that’s only 5 weeks behind where I was.

id like to somehow feel normal again but can see from what you have all said it’s going to take some time x

@TheyNotAllUseless ive just had a look at EMDR there is somewhere near me that does it so might give it a try, thanks it seems good for trauma.

no he literally changes the conversation and says I need to see a dr if I’m still struggling with it which makes me feel worse, he also says all his family have died so he’s had to get used to it.

this is a different emotional pain for me though. I lost my dad 6 years ago when I was 24 and although the grief was intense, the miscarriage has really hit me a lot harder and I’m not sure why it’s so much harder for me to deal with x