Doesn't want more weekend but wants full custody?

[oneanddonee]

We've got a schedule in place for our 4 year old son. Exh sees him every other weekend. I keep Wednesday evenings open for him for the weekend he doesn't have him but he rarely takes this opportunity up due to his work commitments.

He recently got married and his new wife is very hands on with our son and that's good to hear however he has recently proposed our son lives with him and goes to primary school in their town and grows up there (40 mins away) I don't believe this is suitable as he's only turned 4 less than a week ago and has only known a life living with me. (We left when he was 2)

I offered meeting in the middle (imho) by offering more weekend time as he wants to see his dad more too but hading over full physical care to his dad feels like a change too big for a child this young. Even if our son loves time at his dad's.

Could I take this to mediation? Nursery have also told me our son would love more time with his dad and it's effecting his behaviour too. I'm not sure how to go about this. Please help.

[StringTheory1]

How to go about what? It’s not clear from your OP what you want. It’s a mighty big leap for your ex to be suggesting you give your son up!?! Don’t you have any outraged feelings about that? Your only comment was that you ‘don’t think that’s sustainable’. Seems a strange lack-of-reaction to me.

[WhamBamThankU]

Why on earth does he think he can make such a drastic change to your sons life?

[SunRainStorm]

So he cant organise himself to see his son on Wednesdays, but now he has a new woman in his life to do all the grunt work of parenting, he's suddenly decided to take a four year old from his mother and have him full time.

What a fucking idiot.

Tell him no. You're being very reasonable offering more weekends.

[Snowydaysfaraway]

Please apply for residency via court... Be careful he isn't applying for school places behind your back. Bet not paying cms is his motivation..

[Dalriadanland]

Why are you considering allowing another woman to do the majority of the childcare for your son?

What happens if the relationship breaks down or she gets pregnant and feelings change?

Surely you feel he needs to be with his mum rather than a dad who can't spare a week day for him?

[saveforthat]

Yes it will be so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance 100% Just say no.

[LucyInTheParkWithDragons]

The deadline for applying for primary places has passed. Presumably you’ve applied with your address, as he’s living with you, so his idea is a nonstarter? Unless he’s not bothered to think about practicalities….

[cansu]

Simply say no. If he wants more time or to have 50 50 then that is a discussion for the two of you.

[duckpancakes]

Why are the nursery getting involved?

[Eccentricthesnowman]

Is this a reverse?

[thatneverhappened]

Another one who doesn't quite get why you're not more upset by this tbh.

[Kalevala]

Do you mean you offered part of the other weekend too? Or extending the 'weekend'? He could potentially take a weekday or two tacked onto his weekend and do the school run to a school local to you.

[jf1992x]

I'm confused... so you're happy to realistically give up custody of your son? Surely not...

[Starlightstarbright2]

This would be a hard no from me .

Nursery should not be involving themselves in this . I suspect the behaviour is him gaslighting .

[oneanddonee]

@cansu @StringTheory1 @WhamBamThankU @saveforthat @LucyInTheParkWithDragons @duckpancakes

I appreciate the replies. I was ofc declining his offer for full custody, there's no way I could do that as my world would turn upside down. However, I have offered more weekend time for him if his reason is to spend more time with our son. To which he has declined, however our son would like more weekend time. The drop offs and picks ups are done by him, I split them in the summer holidays as we split holidays 50/50.

My question was could I take him to mediation as he's offered me what I consider a ridiculous offer but won't take up more weekends.

He says that he won't offer this again and that he will let our son know in the future that he "fought for him" I explained this switch around would be crazy as he's still so young so my answer is no & that we should extend weekend time or alternate months with 2 weekends and 3 weekends.

[MotherofChaosandDestruction]

Well he's not 'fought for him' has he? He's declined more time, made a ridiculous counter offer which you were bound to say no to and then offered nothing since. He either wants to have your son more or he doesn't - you could take him to mediation but he doesn't want anymore time he just wants to make it look like he does.

I'd give him your offer again, say you're happy for mediation and then the ball is on his court. You just concentrate on having a great life together and make sure you can evidence what you have offered.

[Hatty65]

I'd have raised an eyebrow and said, 'Crack on, pal. In the future, I will be letting our son know that you declined more weekend time and couldn't arsed with a Wednesday evening, but I suspect that by then you'll have dropped out of his life entirely'.

He sounds a dick.

[oneanddonee]

@Hatty65 exactly my point. How can he expect me to give our son over like that when he's declining the extra time I'm offering now and have offered for many months now too.

[oneanddonee]

@MotherofChaosandDestruction thank you for responding.

I agree with you, it isn't fighting for him, it's putting in place what is convenient for him in the name of having more time with our son. It would turn our son's whole world upside down and he's too young to speak for himself right now.

[baileybrosbuildingandloan]

@saveforthat

Yes it will be so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance 100% Just say no.

And he will then claim maintenance from the OP.

Time to wise up, OP.

[oneanddonee]

@baileybrosbuildingandloan I made it clear I will be on placement from October onwards so we won't be getting maintenance from me the way he's thinking he might with my current wage. His words did not change. However, I do believe maintenance is a problem for him for sure as he's asked me many times to lower it and also claimed how unfair it is to be deprived of seeing our son and having to PAY for it. It's a ridiculous mentality.

[DaffodilsAlready]

To answer your question, no, you don’t need to ask him to attend mediation. You don’t need to do anything unless your ex approaches you for mediation via a solicitor (and then you can still say no). You are the main parent and therefore it is up to your xH to take legal steps if he wants things to change.
He has asked for full residency and you have said no. Unless he does something else via a solicitor, I would leave it as it is and get on with being your DS’s mum!
There is additional time on the table if your xH wishes to take it up.
I would agree that the nursery should have nothing to do with contact arrangements.

[Pinkbonbon]

What are the bets he was an abusive partner too...

As pp said, he's likely doing this to avoid paying child support. He has a new partner now and intends to use her as free childcare.

Just - 'no'.
He hasn't a leg to stand on.

Also odd that the nursery is getting involved.
Are you sure he's not telling your son to tell everybody he 'misses daddy' ?To try make it seem like you're keeping the kid away from him.

[oneanddonee]

@DaffodilsAlready thank you

[oneanddonee]

@Pinkbonbon yes I'm actually really worried he's getting the little one to say that he misses daddy like this especially since he's been coming back the last 2 weekends. It seems all he does is "I'm sad today I really miss my daddy I want to stay with daddy forever"