Maintenance and being fair.

[Coffeshopgirl]

So, story is that DD temporarily lives with her father. Long story but basically she chose to live with him full time a year ago. I see her multiple times per week. I live with partner, we have made the decision that I will move out so I can spend time with DD, she does not get on with my partner although things are much better now.

Her father and I had always worked the money side between us. We had the Financial dispute hearing in court this week, and one of the conditions that ex asked for, although not legally binding, is that he will apply for maintenance through the CSA service.

I already pay more than my share, lunch money, dance lessons, most of her clothes, toiletries and make up, we have tea out once a week and I feed her probably another twice a week.
He obviously receives the child benefit.

I accept that he pays heating. We both give her pocket money.
I’ve suggested that I have a look what I should pay and pay that minus things like her lunch money and dance lessons as I am very much a part of he relive, and don’t want it to be that he has control of everything financially for DD.

I’ve been on the CSA calculator and it’s saying I should pay approx £60 a week. So minus £20 weekly for lunch and dance is obviously £40 per week. Does this sound reasonable please? It will be less when I buy clothes etc.

[ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19]

You sound awful just because you're a woman makes it worse! Why are you with a man who cant stand you're dd that you had to give up shared care in the first place? Thats the bare minimum you should pay!

[LolaSmiles]

That's really uncalled for ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19.

It's not better or worse whether it's a man or woman.

Both parents have a responsibility and regardless of the resident parent's sex, they should step up and not quibble to get maintenance reduced.

[titchy]

Surely that counts as me having a right to equality in saying where money for her goes?

No. Absolutely not. You're not the resident parent. You don't get a say in how her maintenance is spent. That's for the resident parent to decide.

[Shouldbedoing]

I don't think people are seeing the situation for what it is. Sounds like the DD flounced off to Dad because she didn't get on with Mum's partner and Mum was perhaps slow to.make the correct choice - kids before new partner,.always. Meanwhile, Mum.has kept on the mothering load, the lifts, the clothes shopping, paying for school dinners and doing the amount of parenting that a NRP father would get a gold medal and a knighthood for. I would do the £60.CSM to keep.the moral high ground and look.at what payments fall most naturally to the NRP. If you're properly amicable you can keep.tally with the ex. I hope she comes around soon.

[LolaSmiles]

I agree should, but the fact if the matter is the OP is doing what is entirely reasonable and standard for a non resident parent, not anything above and beyond.

They should be paying the minimum and the extras because that's part and parcel of being a good parent (which they are!). Some non resident parents don't do anywhere near enough, but that doesn't mean we should be patting people ont he back for doing what's right.

[Coffeshopgirl]

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 he can “stand my daughter”. She was 13, being particularly stroppy last summer and voted with her feet.

[sue51]

I would go through cms as a minimum and then discuss anything extra.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I’m not looking for praise Lola, I know I do enough for my daughter. Mire than her father does as it goes. As I’ve said, where she lives is just geography.

Thank you Should, I haven’t been slow to alter the situation, the relationship between me and my daughter when she went was quite tentative for a while, so it wouldn’t have made a difference where I lived. Things are better now though, she and my partner get on much better, although it definitely is not a good idea for us to live together!

[LolaSmiles]

I didn't mean you were seeking praise OP. I was challenging the idea that people would be falling over themselves to knight a non resident father for doing what youre doing.

My point was that what you're doing is reasonable and the right thing to do, so nobody should be falling over themselves to congratulate any NRP for doing parenting, father or mother. What you're doing in terms of involvement is spot on and it's a sad state of affairs is we start believing anything less is somehow acceptable.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Sorry Lola, completely missed your point.

I know, some NRP are way short of the mark.

[LolaSmiles]

Not a problem. For all I disagree with you on finances, it's clear you're doing a damn good job being her mum.
It's a real shame if anyone starts setting the bar for NRP as low as we see on here sometimes.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Lola I have taken on board what you and others have said on here. I do appreciate the advice.

[LolaSmiles]

For what it's worth, it will probably work out for the best. In secondary schools we see loads of flounces like this from teens who decide the grass is greener at their other parent's house, their gran's house, aunt's house etc.
You're doing really well

[SciFiScream]

Even acknowledging that you pay for so many other things I think, if you can afford it, you pay more than £60.

£60 is the minimum and I'm sure we can all agree isn't really enough.

This isn't so much about being fair between the parents. It's about doing what is best for your daughter.

Put her first (which from your posts it's clear you do or try to). Pay more.

Take the moral high ground perhaps?

[Coffeshopgirl]

Thanks Lola there’s been time’s this last year when I’ve seriously doubted that.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Thanks Sci. Take the moral high ground? Her father will wonder what I’m up to, could be a winner!

[mummmy2017]

Will the dad get any universal credit towards upkeep of DD.
Also what sort of wages does he get?
Fair is you give him via bank transfer the amount CSA say, so he has no comeback on that .
He then uses this for her lunches.
I would still pay for dance lessons plus normal Extras
If he says anything remind him he said he wanted it this way .

[SciFiScream]

Coffeshopgirl it should reflect well on your relationship with your DD too. What would you rather she knew? You paid more than the minimum plus extras or that you "argued" over £20 per week?

[Coffeshopgirl]

He is pension age so receives state pension and also his local government pension that he paid into along with an annuity from an AVC, think that is correct?
He is on a decent income so what I pay does supplement his income. So having our daughter live there is not putting him in financial difficulty.

So no, no universal credit.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Absolutely Sci. And my relationship with her is my number one priority.

[Countrylifeornot]

I guess you need to imagine a scenario where dd comes back to live with you next year, her dad pays you maintenance but then says "ah well I bought her some shoes and a bag, so nothing for you this week" etc.
You'd be mightily fucked off I'm sure, especially if she doesn't really need those things but he is currying favour by getting her them. So think on maybe about how you'd manage if roles were reversed.

[TequilaPilates]

At court was the first time that maintenance was discussed

So what maintenance have you been paying for your dd all the time she's been living with her dad and not you? Nothing?

This reads like you want to be able to provide all the treats for your dd - all the fun things, going out, new clothes, mobile phone while her dad has to provide all the boring essentials like a house, gas, electric, food etc.

Do you want to buy your daughter's affection?

[mummmy2017]

Yes, do it legally, as next year the shoe will be on the other foot.

[readitandwept]

Take the moral high ground? Her father will wonder what I’m up to, could be a winner!

But your daughter is your priority. Riiiight.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I meant formal maintenance Tequila. He was talking about going through the maintenance service.
I have been paying £50 per week plus everything else that I have listed up to now.

I don’t view it in that way. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong in this thread. Because we both contribute as a whole them it isn’t black and white.
Clothes aren’t fun, they are a necessity. When I say clothes I include school uniform, sport kit, trainers.

Of course I’m not trying to buy my daughters affection, nor do I need to. What a horrid thing to say.