Maintenance and being fair.

[Coffeshopgirl]

So, story is that DD temporarily lives with her father. Long story but basically she chose to live with him full time a year ago. I see her multiple times per week. I live with partner, we have made the decision that I will move out so I can spend time with DD, she does not get on with my partner although things are much better now.

Her father and I had always worked the money side between us. We had the Financial dispute hearing in court this week, and one of the conditions that ex asked for, although not legally binding, is that he will apply for maintenance through the CSA service.

I already pay more than my share, lunch money, dance lessons, most of her clothes, toiletries and make up, we have tea out once a week and I feed her probably another twice a week.
He obviously receives the child benefit.

I accept that he pays heating. We both give her pocket money.
I’ve suggested that I have a look what I should pay and pay that minus things like her lunch money and dance lessons as I am very much a part of he relive, and don’t want it to be that he has control of everything financially for DD.

I’ve been on the CSA calculator and it’s saying I should pay approx £60 a week. So minus £20 weekly for lunch and dance is obviously £40 per week. Does this sound reasonable please? It will be less when I buy clothes etc.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I guess you get to a point where you have to stop asking for your own sanity. It’s still rubbish though.

Thanks, I’ve spoken to DD’s father today and think it’s all sorted. We both want what is best for DD.

[laney15]

Exactly and son was onky 18m old. He sends messages with pics of clothes asking what size he is then says ill see when i have money. I just leave him to it now. At one point he asked me for tissues as our son had a cold 🙈, all i can suggest is you do whats best for your daughter. And your own peace of mind. X

[Coffeshopgirl]

Oh laney15 that’s awful. And it puts you in an awkward position as if you don’t send nappies and food can you guarantee that your son’s father has bought some.

And what use are 8 Easter eggs?! I’m not surprised you’re mad.

[laney15]

Forgot to say he has also asked me to pay for things when he has son for contact ie playcenter 😂😂 i told him no its your contact time i dont ask you to pay when i go. He wanted me to supply him with clothes nappies food when he had him again i said no you provide it to be told thats what i pay you for 🤬🤬

[laney15]

My ex pays 180 a month for our son and pays for nothing else i do it all, has bought him a coat as he broke his, 8 easter eggs and a pair of trainers in 12 months 😂😂😂 anything else he says take it out the child support as thats what its for 🙄🙄. I do it and it doesnt bother me. I will never ask him for more as he thinks its funny to control the money. Id say just pay what you get told and anythimg else think its your child and thats how it is 😊

[AnneLovesGilbert]

All this talk of “pay it if you can afford it” is a new one when discussing child support. It’s a percentage of the NRP’s income, should and does have no relation to the RP’s household income. If a woman in a multi millionaire it hasn’t ever been said that her ex if the NRP shouldn’t have to contribute the amount based on his salary because the RP doesn’t “need” it. If the parents were still together they’d both still be paying the costs for their shared child(ren).

OP, you’ve said you’ll pay the full amount, good. Then fund the extras you can afford in discussion with your ex and your daughter.

[OrchidInTheSun]

I’ve been on the CSA calculator and it’s saying I should pay approx £60 a week. So minus £20 weekly for lunch and dance is obviously £40 per week.

That's what you said in your OP. That is the very definition of the 'bare minimum'

[Coffeshopgirl]

That is my intention bobsyoursuntie. I have no intention, and never have had, of paying the bare minimum and nothing else.

[bobsyourauntie]

OP, if you look on the gov website about child maintenance where the CM calculator is, there is a handy list where you can record everything that needs paying for and decide who will pay what.

You could just pay the minimum CSA and nothing else , which is all the government demands of you as the NRP. My XH does that and pays just £30 a week and won't pay for anything else.

If you can afford it, then pay the minimum CSA which you say is £60 a week, plus anything else that you can afford, such as phone or dance lessons or whatever.

Remember that you are paying for your child, you are not giving your ex money.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Think what you like Teddy. No that isn’t right, that is your interpretation of that I have explained on here.

[Teddybear45]

Your child chose to live with their dad because she didn’t get on with your partner so for a little while you prioritised him over your own flesh and blood, is that right? To be honest paying the CMS minimum and all of her spending money is the least you can do

[Coffeshopgirl]

The issue, Tequila, is that I am an involved parent. Things aren’t always black and white. Why shouldn’t I still pay towards her outgoings?

[NorthernSpirit]

My OH pays £800 a month for 2 children (he’s the NRP). This is £200 over what the CMS calculator says he should plus he pays for all clothes at his (the mother won’t let them bring a stitch) plus 2 x phone contacts (circa £240).

Apparently according to the mother it’s a pathetic contribution.

No, you shouldn’t deduct any monies.

[TequilaPilates]

I don’t need her to see why I pay for

Then what's the issue? You give the rp the maintenance and he buys what she needs.

[OrchidInTheSun]

How about the fact that he can't do anything spontaneously? You can't put a price on that. And yet that's what you're trying to do.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I am wanting to do the right thing until then though. It may be a while until I find somewhere that we want to live.

[Coffeshopgirl]

Thank you kitk and Rachelover60.

When I move then DD will spend nights with me, return to shared care. We have all agreed that. So the amount I pay her father will naturally reduce.

The last thing I would ever be is controlling. That is why I walked away from her father.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I don’t need her to see why I pay for. It’s just the way we work things.
Her dad pays for nice things also, he takes on holiday as do I, he buys her some of her clothes.

When I referred to school uniform I was trying to say that it’s not just the nice clothes I buy.

The original list was not all encompassing. I’ve paid for her phone since she had one, it’s part of my monthly outgoings.

It’s not like we compete for her favour, she doesn’t actually care who pays for what. We are not materialistic in that sense.

[Rachelover60]

I don't think you sound at all controlling, op. You want to do what is right for your daughter and you are going to live apart from your partner for that reason but you have to have enough money to live yourself. Not everyone will slate you on here.

[kitk]

I understand why you're feeling sensitive. Presumably your living costs have massively spiralled now you have to live separately from your partner and your maintenance payments have also risen and you're likely feeling upset about living separately from DD albeit still enjoying a good relationship. But I'm afraid I do agree with the ladies above that you need to pay it without reductions

[TequilaPilates]

I have been paying £50 per week plus everything else that I have listed up to now.

So less than the CMS minimum then?

I'm a bit as to how you keep changing your story.

You said you buy her clothes - now it's school uniform and or kit.

You listed what you pay for then suddenly remembered her mobile phone.

You seem to want to be able to point out to your dd what you pay for, to have her know whereas her dad is just expected to provide the boring stuff.

I'm quite sure many mums who are the rp understand how annoying thus is - the Disney dad makes a big show of what he provides while they are left doing the grunt work and buying all of the unglamorous stuff like toothpaste and toilet roll.

If you aren't trying to curry favour with your dd why wouldn't you just give the money to exh and then let him pay for what she needs? Why do you need her to see what you pay for?

[Coffeshopgirl]

readitandweep, yes of course she is. That comment was light hearted.

[Coffeshopgirl]

I meant formal maintenance Tequila. He was talking about going through the maintenance service.
I have been paying £50 per week plus everything else that I have listed up to now.

I don’t view it in that way. Maybe that’s where I’m going wrong in this thread. Because we both contribute as a whole them it isn’t black and white.
Clothes aren’t fun, they are a necessity. When I say clothes I include school uniform, sport kit, trainers.

Of course I’m not trying to buy my daughters affection, nor do I need to. What a horrid thing to say.

[readitandwept]

Take the moral high ground? Her father will wonder what I’m up to, could be a winner!

But your daughter is your priority. Riiiight.

[mummmy2017]

Yes, do it legally, as next year the shoe will be on the other foot.